Tires came to a screeching halt as the van in question came to a screeching halt.
“What’s that van doing?” asked the eerily ghostlike neighbor, Yeardley Ghostlike Grayburn.
“Coming to a screeching halt,” answered Yeardley’s neighbor, who was unnamed and preferred it that way.
“Must be important,” said Yeardley.
“Must be in a rush.”
“Must be delivering something important.”
“Looks to be a delivery van, yes.”
“I suppose it’s the cargo that’s important.”
“Not the van.”
“No, I doubt that van’s important.”
“Could be.”
“Could be.”
**************
The doorbell rang in the manner most doorbells ring, with a “bing bong” or a “ding dong.” One of those. The man ringing the doorbell had no idea what he was delivering, although he did very much know he was delivering something. He was basing this knowledge on his job, which was that of a delivery man.
The delivery man was not wearing a name tag of any kind, but you should know his name was Ted just to make things easier for all of us. Ted rang the doorbell again, not because the package was too heavy (it was lighter than most of that day’s delivered packages), but because he had many other packages to delivery before he could get home to his wife, Medusa. That’s not a dig at his wife, she just happens to be Medusa.
The door finally opened to reveal a well-dressed man in his early 30’s. I say “well-dressed” because he had successfully dressed himself. His clothes, on the other hand, were ripped and stained from head to toe.
“What?” asked the man that was well-dressed in filthy clothes. He had clearly just awoken and was not prepared for any sort of social interaction.
Ted (the delivery man) held up the very light box for the door-answering man to see.
“Package for you,” Ted said.
“I didn’t order a package,” replied the door-answering man.
“Probably not,” Ted replied. “But perhaps you ordered the thing that is in the package?”
“Well, what is it?”
“It’s light.”
“I have enough lights,” said the door-answering man as he prepared to become a door-slamming man.
“No,” Ted explained, “I mean the weight of the package is low.”
“Where’d it come from?”
Ted glanced at the return address. “It says it’s from Aunt Warlock.”
“Do I have to sign for it?”
“Yes.”
The door-answering man slammed the door. Ted shrugged, walked back to his delivery truck, tossed the package in the back, and drove off.
**********
“It couldn’t have been that important,” Yeardley pointed out. “The man didn’t even seem to want it.”
“Obviously,” chided the unnamed neighbor. “Otherwise he would have taken it.”
“Yes, and then perhaps we might know what was in the package.”
“Certainly not something important.”
“Certainly not.”
***********
Ted returned home just in time for supper. With him, he carried the undelivered package from earlier. He placed it behind the refrigerator before his wife could see him with it. His wife, contrary to what I said earlier, was not Medusa. She was simply a normal every day woman who happened to be horrible. That “Medusa” remark was a dig. I was digging at her.
Medusa, as you probably won’t find out later, lived down the street.
Ted finished covering the undelivered package with their state-of-the-art refrigerator. He glanced at the table, which was set for two.
“Package hidden,” beeped the refrigerator.
Ted let out a sigh of relief as he sat down in the chair labeled “husband.” He called to his wife who was not Medusa and told her that he was home. He waited as footsteps thumped down the stairs and his wife appeared.
“Where do I think you’ve been?” shrieked Ted’s wife, Succubus.
“At work, dear?” Ted asked, softly.
“You were not at work!” Succubus shrieked again. “At least I don’t think so….”
His wife paused.
Thunder rumbled.
“Where have you been?” Succubus asked.
“At work, dear,” Ted spoke softly.
Succubus sat down in a huff.
“Good,” she said. “That’s where you were supposed to be.”
“That’s why I went there, dear,” he replied, not quite sure why he was taking a tone with her, on today of all days.
“Don’t you take that tone with me!” she shouted, suddenly standing again. “Why would you do that, on today of all days?”
“I’m sorry, dear,” He told her. “I don’t know why.” He took a sip of tepid water, cleared his throat, and began to speak again.
“Happy-”
“Package still hidden,” beeped the refrigerator.
The room would have fallen completely silent were it not for the beeping hum of the refrigerator. Succubus looked at Ted. Ted looked at Succubus.
“An undelivered package?” she asked, her voice icy hot, or fiery cold or whatever.
“It’s n-n-not my fault,” Ted muttered. “The guy didn’t want it.”
“I don’t care if the guy didn’t want it!” She countered. “We can not take in an undelivered package! We have enough trouble feeding the kids!”
“I know, I know, I just-”
“No! You are to take that package back tomorrow or so help me, I will make you open it!”
The rest of the meal was silent (except the humming beeps of the refrigerator) and there was assumed agreement that Ted would try delivering the package again the next day. No words needed to be said, because the couple had worked out a secret language of blinks and head nods for occasions when they were too furious to speak.
“I’m out of ice,” bweeped the refrigerator.
*****************
Yeardley’s unnamed neighbor was not outside at the moment being described. The unnamed neighbor was inside, preparing to go outside. Yeardley, however, was quite outside. He was currently in the middle of washing his car, which was evil (for more information about this alleged “evil” car, please read a Tale To Tell ‘Round Midnight not yet written).
The sun was shining as Yeardley threw another bucket of suds onto the car.
“Afternoon, Yeardley,” said Yeardley’s unnamed neighbor as he walked outside.
“About time,” Yeardley commented.
“Suppose so.”
The two stood for a moment. Suddenly a great SCREEEEEEECH was heard. The two smiled.
“About time,” said Yeardley’s unnamed neighbor. They both glanced up to see the delivery van from the day before.
“Suppose so,” said Yeardley.
“Must be real important if he’s coming back.”
“Most likely.”
“Could it be the wrong house?”
“Don’t reckon. You order something?”
“No.”
“I see.”
“You?”
“No.”
“Must be real important then.”
“Suppose so.”
***************
The doorbell was rung a third time, as we missed the first two listening to Yeardley and his unnamed neighbor. It gave a “bing-bong” or “ding-dong”-type sound.
Right in between the “bing” and the “bong” (or the “ding” and the “dong”) the door opened. The door-opening man was standing in the doorway and was dressed quite lavishly, in that he was wearing layers upon layers of filthy, filthy clothes.
“Package, sir,” Ted told the lavish filth-bag.
“I didn’t order anything,” the man responded, barely paying attention.
“Do you have an Aunt Warlock?”
“What do you care who my family is?” shouted the man, suddenly paying close attention. “You a spook?”
“I am not a government official of any kind, sir.”
“Yeah, but you a ghost?”
“I… no,” Ted replied, already quite fed up. “One of your neighbors looks a bit like a ghost, though.”
“What do you care who my neighbors are?” shouted the door-answering man. “You a spook?”
Ted sighed.
“Look,” he began. “I can see where this is going, so how about I just leave this package here and you can open it or destroy it or leave it here to rot? How about I just do that?”
The door-answering man narrowed his eyes. “I gotta sign for it?” he asked.
“Yes, ple-”
The door-answering man slammed the door in Ted’s face. Ted briefly contemplated leaving the package there, but he remembered the oath he took to “Do No Harm,” and even though he was fired from doctoring long ago, he still liked to apply that oath to packages.
He would do no harm to this package.
He would try again tomorrow.
*************
“Where’s dinner?” shrieked Ted’s wife, horrifyingly and also naggingly too, probably.
Ted had just gotten home and was not about to just magically know where dinner is, because she’s supposed to make the dinner, and Ted told her as much, except “Ted” would be “I,” there wouldn’t be a “had,” take out the “ten,” change the “was” to “am,” change the “s” in “she” to a “yo,” change the “h” in “she” to an “o,” get rid of the “e” in “she,” change the “s” after the apostrophe after “she” to an “r,” then add an “e” to the end of the newly formed “you’r.” Also change the comma to an exclamation mark. Like this:
“I just got home and am not about to just magically know where dinner is, because you’re supposed to make the dinner!” Ted shouted at his mean ‘ol wife.
That was more complicated than it should have been.
The narrator takes a nap.
*************
Okay, while the narrator’s asleep, I’m going to just tell you what happens, based on notes I stole from his satchel.
So basically, Ted keeps going back to the door-slamming man’s house to unsuccessfully deliver the package. The door-slamming man is probably “smartly-dressed” because he’s wearing a filthy lab coat and carrying a broken microscope. The two neighbors keep watching and commenting on every attempted delivery. Every time Ted comes home, his wife chews him out or something and he promises to deliver the package the next day. Eventually the door-slamming man agrees to sign for the package, but keels over just as he’s about to put pen on paper. The two neighbors make some mundane remark about how important the package may or may not be, or about how dead the man must seem or whatever. The man takes the package home and tells his screaming wife that now he really can’t deliver the package. His wife convinces him to open it himself. The narrator has the last few sentences written down in his notes. They are the following:
And inside the package was HIMSELF! OPENING THE PACKAGE!
AGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
The End
The End
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November 9th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
Reminds me of a mix between Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett.
“I say “well-dressed” because he had successfully dressed himself. His clothes, on the other hand, were ripped and stained from head to toe.” The greatest line. <3
You could write an amazing series if you wanted to.
November 9th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
I have not laughed this hard in weeks. Thank you
November 8th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Cody you’re fucking insane.
Great work using that insanity to make stuff like this.
November 8th, 2009 at 6:04 am
Brool story, co’.
November 7th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
This was hilarious and fuck you if you disagree.
November 7th, 2009 at 11:07 pm
We have found the reincarnation of Robert Benchley!
November 7th, 2009 at 7:39 am
You’re supposed to change the “h” into a “u” not an “o”
November 6th, 2009 at 8:23 am
ZipperHead, what obvious reasons? The word “Spook” in reference to a government agent is most certainly used in the US.
November 4th, 2009 at 10:31 am
Yet another fantastic piece of work.
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:14 pm
Cody be rollin’
Dey hatin’.
November 2nd, 2009 at 8:17 am
“Ted had just gotten home and was not about to just magically know where dinner is, because she’s supposed to make the dinner, and Ted told her as much, except “Ted” would be “I,” there wouldn’t be a “had,” take out the “ten,” change the “was” to “am,” change the “s” in “she” to a “yo,” change the “h” in “she” to an “o,” get rid of the “e” in “she,” change the “s” after the apostrophe after “she” to an “r,” then add an “e” to the end of the newly formed “you’r.” Also change the comma to an exclamation mark.”
Regardless of how you feel about Cody, that whole thing right there is FUCKING DEDICATION. This was one of your best, sir. Please continue to not take your medication.
November 1st, 2009 at 6:42 pm
@ Zipperhead:
I think he meant spook for ghost.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
Rofl. Wonderful.
October 27th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
I love Cody’s schizophrenic stories that seem to make no sense at all.
October 26th, 2009 at 10:45 am
“The door finally opened to reveal a well-dressed man in his early 30’s. I say “well-dressed” because he had successfully dressed himself. His clothes, on the other hand, were ripped and stained from head to toe.” Hi-larious.
October 25th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
I umm… I’m speechless… not the usual cracked style… but still… great… I have to admit, I thought your work was crap… Good job.
October 25th, 2009 at 3:42 am
Is Cody British?
His work reminds me of Douglas Adams’ for some reason.
He also used the word spook for spy, which is not used in the US for the obvious reasons.
In any case, Cody - darn funny, and you have many more hits than misses. Keep it up.
October 24th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
not that great
better than his others, and i think he is getting there. there were a few funny moments, but there was also a whole lot of nothing. it shouldnt be long until he fits in around here.
October 24th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
yes brilliant, fuck you Jorgenshpier
October 24th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
This was hilarious, and pretty damn smart too.
October 24th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
You know, Cody makes absolutly no fucking sense whatsoever. Because of that, he is my favorite writer on here, followed by Bucholz and DOB. Keep it up, Dr. Mister Cody.
October 24th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Not brilliant, fuck you missykittyQ.
October 24th, 2009 at 10:50 am
I think Cody’s style comes out making more sense to people in his videos and songs more than the actual written posts. With his particular humor, something gets lost in translation when its actually written down. That being said, I loved this. If he keeps doing things like this, I’m a fan.
October 24th, 2009 at 8:29 am
Better than the other articles by a long shot.
Some parts were really smart (albiet in a retarded way) and did make me laugh out loud. Other parts were mundane, but the ending was friggin’ hilarious. I’m still laughing right now. So stupid it’s brilliant in it’s Twilight-Zone-esque parody type manner.
October 23rd, 2009 at 1:17 am
Brilliant.
October 22nd, 2009 at 6:59 pm
Scuttlebutt,
Shame on you. I mean, never apologize, goddammit. I never apologized for the Cody’s Mom thing. You should never apologize for being Cody’s Dad. The point is that Cody NEEDS HIS PARENTAL SUPPORT or whatever it was that we were giving him there.
Hate and brutal criticism is what makes the world go round, after all!
October 22nd, 2009 at 12:42 pm
I really enjoyed this. I think you’ve been doing really well right from the start.
I too shall give you permission to continue writing even though that would mean nothing because you’re probably under contract and I’m just some idiot that sits on the internets all day.
Hooray for comedy!
October 22nd, 2009 at 10:46 am
this is seriously god damn brilliant. i don’t know what the fuck other people are thinking. what kind of comedy do you like? Git-r-done? read some books and go to college you idiots
October 22nd, 2009 at 9:42 am
Hi Cody! Let me say that I think it’s super terrific that Cracked has brought you on board. Really. Especially since Cracked has other columnists listed on the top of the page who haven’t submitted anything in months. But they’re still up there. Granted, Gladtone is still writing and his fans, of which I am one, are free to trapse after him looking for new material elsewhere on the web. But here at Cracked he and Swaim are now just video diva’s. Me, I actually like reading. So I miss them even though, technically, they haven’t left. Where was I…
…oh yeah. So anyway, here you are. A new writer. And you write a lot. A real lot. Lots ‘n lot. And a fair amount of people don’t seem to appreciate that. Some don’t appear to have any quams about letting you and everyone else know what they think of the quality of your work in the harshest way posssible. You know… ‘cuz they’re comedy experts and they’d totally write stuff that’s way funnier than you but they’re just too busy writing dickish comments all day long.
If I were tempted to contribute my own criticism(in a constructive way, of course), I would probably echo Opalfire’s sentiment that it needs more dick jokes(perhaps some boob jokes as well) if only to reduce the number of mean-spirited comments coming from Cracked.com’s more..um… “special” readers.
October 22nd, 2009 at 9:39 am
You must certainly have some Ionesco and Vian at home, wich is rare for an american.. and great!
October 22nd, 2009 at 8:03 am
Scuttlebutt licks your toes while you sleep.
You taste like…forbidden love.
October 22nd, 2009 at 4:40 am
The email was fake. Don’t bother.
October 22nd, 2009 at 4:39 am
Cody, I am someone who absolutely hates you, but I have a confession to make. I have felt the same way about every new columnist, you haven’t hit your stride yet. So I am here to apologize for the whole “Cody’s Dad” deal. I realized that I did the same thing for Seanbaby and Gladstone when they were new. I posted something hateful on every single article and video. Now I realize that they became good writers in time and I should give you time. I am sorry and will not harass you any longer, but I also will not read your articles for the next month to allow you to improve
Regards,
John
October 22nd, 2009 at 3:47 am
Three stars! (Had there been a few dick jokes, it would have been four stars. Remember that, Doctor Professor Cody.)
October 22nd, 2009 at 1:18 am
I can see why some people hate on Cody, but I personally adore his writing.
Carry on, good sir.
October 21st, 2009 at 11:32 pm
meh..
October 21st, 2009 at 9:55 pm
Honestly, I clicked this by accident going for Brockway’s article.
Then, against all odds, I read it.
Needless to say, I have destroyed that mouse.
October 21st, 2009 at 8:54 pm
Seriously, I love these. Really gripping reading and completely from left-field.
For those dissapointed by the endings, I guess that’s kinda the point. The emphasis is in the telling, not the story itself. I dunno whether to even say it’s intentionally bad…because this kinda abstract narrative takes some very much appreciated skill.
Either way Cody, you article spewing machine, you, keep up the good work!
October 21st, 2009 at 8:04 pm
YES YES YES YES
best one yet!
keep it up this one was great!!
October 21st, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Dear god, not only am I astounded by the quality of your pieces (I read this like 3 times and laugh at different things each time) but the frequency that you can write. Keep it up……please.
October 21st, 2009 at 7:33 pm
I was a little turned off by some of your earlier stuff, but the passage wherein the narrator naps was hilarious. Great work Doctor!
October 21st, 2009 at 6:55 pm
“The door-opening man was standing in the doorway and was dressed quite lavishly, in that he was wearing layers upon layers of filthy, filthy clothes.”
one of the greatest lines, ever.
October 21st, 2009 at 2:30 pm
At first I was like, wow, I hate this stupid writing style. Then I was like, wow, the writing style is part of the joke, and I like it. That was a couple articles ago though, and now I’m like, wow, I’m tired of this intentionally stilted writing.
October 21st, 2009 at 2:18 pm
DOB-
You’re one sick puppy.
It was pretty damn funny though. I’ve stated it before and I’ll state it again - I’m glad you guys brought this fellow on board.
October 21st, 2009 at 1:38 pm
“Tires came to a screeching halt as the van in question came to a screeching halt.
‘What’s that van doing?’ asked the eerily ghostlike neighbor, Yeardley Ghostlike Grayburn.
‘Coming to a screeching halt,’”
Oh, nothing tickles me like intentionally bad fiction.
October 21st, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Nice. Keep it up.
October 21st, 2009 at 1:17 pm
This was pretty funny, the other stuff you’ve done was appalling but this was good.
October 21st, 2009 at 12:16 pm
I can’t do this anymore.
October 21st, 2009 at 9:44 am
These, coupled with Brockway’s “Choose Your Own Adventure On Drugs” are some of my favorite things on Cracked.
Today was a good day.
October 21st, 2009 at 9:34 am
post as much shit as you can i love it
October 21st, 2009 at 9:33 am
Once again hilarious and very interestingly written (so much so, its reading might even require a brain. Take note, people who didn’t like it), but once again the ending was… I don’t know. Nothing, I guess. Every time! A great build up, then a lazy ending. Maybe the disappointing (but still mildly amusing) endings are your thing, I can’t say.
October 21st, 2009 at 9:30 am
Kind of like a cross between the Wayside School stories and an Ionesco play — I guess I can’t say that I don’t like it. I guess.
October 21st, 2009 at 8:26 am
When I first read a cody article, my IE messed up and skipped to the comments section, I read a bunch of “Cody sucks” comments and was weary of reading his articles. I must say, I LOVE the cody articles, there are so many and I love all of them
October 21st, 2009 at 8:21 am
what an awful waste of server space, web traffic, and HTML tags… tsktsktsk
October 21st, 2009 at 8:15 am
Dammit, Cody! You and your damn Shaggy Dog Stories!
I personally enjoy the build up but I can’t help but imagine that this stuff helps your reputation around here at all. Sure, it’s easy for you but it’s certainly not easy for all the poor saps that feel they have to pick up all the pieces and defend your presence here!
Personally, I find that your stories remind me of the sort told by Big Bunny.
October 21st, 2009 at 7:12 am
I click the link, read the article and have the following thoughts:
Are you fucking kidding me?
AGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
October 21st, 2009 at 6:11 am
Best Cody article so far. Awesome.
October 21st, 2009 at 6:10 am
I don’t know if Cody is the retarded kid who won’t go away, or the insane guy endlessly writing away in some dark basement.
At least he’s busy. He’s starting to make the other writers look lazy.
I smiled at the talking fridge.
October 21st, 2009 at 5:27 am
I’m still not fully convinced by Cody but damn he’s busy! Most days there’s something new from him and I have to admit I’m starting to like it.
October 21st, 2009 at 4:37 am
Published at 4 AM!?