Let’s play a game. I’m going to name three, ridiculous, products or projects. Two of them will be fake, one will be real, all will be retarded. It’s your job to pick out the real one and, subsequently weep at how absurd our culture’s become. Ready? No Googling now. Aaaaand GO!
A) In the Pursuit of Change: Poetry Inspired by President Barack Obama, by Mark McGrath.
Description: “Mark McGrath. Rocker. Reality TV Star. Television Host. Author? You heard right! Frontman and lead singer for the popular, beloved 90s band SUGAR RAY, is hanging up his microphone and picking up a pen for his new book of poetry inspired by President Barack Obama. The former ‘RHYME STEALER’ says his book will be a mix of free-association, stream-of-consciousness poetry, as well as more ‘traditional’ poetry.”
“McGrath hopes that the messages of hope infused in his poetry will inspire his readers, as he too was inspired by the messages of President Obama.”
Mark McGrath Says: “I’ve always considered myself more a poet than a songwriter, but I’m the last guy in the world you’d expect to be involved in politics, I just had a very micro-outlook on life. But, when I saw President Obama campaigning, and giving speeches, and at the debates, his messages, his integrity and his passion really moved me in a way that I haven’t been moved in a long time, and the poems just started pouring out. I’m 41-years old, and this past election was the first time I registered to vote. If my words can inspire just one more person to make a difference, then I’ll consider this a success.”
This Product is For:
-Fan(s) of Sugar Ray.
-Ironic hipsters who enjoy having their coffee tables littered with books that make me hate them.
-A small percentage of Mark McGrath’s relatives and personal acquaintances.
B) Karaoke With Your Favorite Principal Dennis Haskins A.K.A. Mr. Belding!
Description: “Dennis Haskins, A.K.A. ‘Mr. Belding’ from the popular television series Saved By The Bell>, is set to release a one-of-a-kind, first ever celebrity CD/DVD karaoke package on September 1, 2009 titled ‘Karaoke With Your Favorite Principal Dennis Haskins A.K.A. ‘Mr. Belding.”
This CD/DVD combo package contains an audio CD with seven karaoke songs. The purchaser can choose to sing along with Dennis, or sing solo to the additional instrumental tracks. The CD can be placed into a CD-G karaoke machine and lyrics will appear on the screen. ”
Dennis Haskins Says: “I love to sing and have been doing karaoke for the past six years. Karaoke is about having fun and I hope everyone will have fun singing along with me or on their own with our karaoke CD/DVD!”
This Product is For:
-The elusive People-Who-Are-Physically-Incapable-of-Singing-Without-Dennis-Haskins’s-Accompaniment demographic.
-People who love everything about karaoke except the part where you have to sing alone.
-People who can confidently say that they will only ever need seven karaoke songs for the rest of their life.
C) Somebody That I Used to Know: Hilary Duff Pays Tribute to Elliott Smith
Description: “Actress, singer and teen icon Hilary Duff (of the hit Disney Channel series Lizzie McGuire), is paying tribute to one of her favorite artists in ‘Somebody That I Used to Know,’ her album of Elliott Smith covers. This has been a passionate project of Hilary’s for some time, and she’s thrilled to both reintroduce Elliott Smith to the music scene and spice things up a notch by adding her own patented Hilary Duff flavor!”
Hilary Duff Says: “Mr. Smith was a huge influence on me, musically speaking and, in my little way, this album is my attempt to say ‘thank you’ for all the inspiration his music has given me over the years. This music is a little bit more mature than my previous albums, but I’m growing up, and I’m excited about bringing Mr. Smith’s music to a younger generation of fans who might not have had a reason to listen otherwise.”
This Product is For:
-People who are fans of Hilary Duff.
-People who are fans of Elliott Smith despite never hearing his music or caring about what happens to his legacy.
-A very specific kind of pervert.
Did you guess B, Dennis Haskins’s Karaoke CD? If so, that’s really weird but, also, you’re correct! Dennis Haskins has a Karaoke CD and that, in my opinion, is the most ridiculous of the bunch, there are just so many layers of retarded I might have a stroke. Do you know why celebrities don’t endorse karaoke CDs? Because karaoke is about singing without someone else’s voice, otherwise every CD ever released is technically a karaoke CD endorsed by whatever band happens to be releasing it. Karaoke in Japanese literally means “voiceless” (there’s no way I didn’t make that up) so the idea that Dennis Haskins would try sell this CD based on his celebrity status is laughable. Also, to accommodate for the seven tracks that feature Dennis Haskins, the CD only has seven karaoke songs, which A) makes it infinitely less useful than other more comprehensive karaoke CDs and B) means that Haskins was trying to push this CD, not on quality or usability, but solely on the merits of his status as a celebrity. Finally, and most importantly, Dennis Haskins is just barely a celebrity.
Looking at the rest of the Saved By the Bell cast, sure, Mario Lopez has to grin like a moron for Entertainment Tonight, Elizabeth Berkley did Showgirls, and Screech did an unwatchable piece of amateur porn and, but Haskins’s karaoke CD still manages to come off as the most pathetic and unsettling post-SBTB career move.
A) Stretch Armstrong: The Movie (2011, Universal)
Description: “Academy Award-winning producer Brian Grazer (A Beautiful Mind, American Gangster) has come on board to produce the project. The action-adventure film will be the first released under Universal and Hasbro’s six-year partnership. It is slated to hit theaters April 15, 2011.
Stretch Armstrong is an iconic toy that kids around the world enjoyed stretching up to four-feet before returning to his original shape. Through the years, the product line stretched into a wide range of toys and supporting characters that built upon the Stretch Armstrong legacy by allowing kids to ’stretch their imaginations’ with play experiences unique to the inventive Stretch Armstrong brand. When Hasbro signed the multiyear strategic partnership with Universal, it was one more powerful example of our commitment to re-imagine, re-invent and re-ignite our incredible brands beyond traditional toys and games.”
Brian Grazer Says: “Stretch Armstrong is a character I have wanted to see on screen for a long time. He’s an unconventional kind of superhero with a power that no one would want. It’s a story about a guy stretching, if you will, the limits of what is possible to become all that he can be.”
This Movie is For:
-Children who love Stretch Armstrong and A Beautiful Mind equally. (???)
-Fans of Brian Grazer who are thinking about turning on him.
-Hasbro’s marketing team.
B) The Matrix: The Musical!
Description: Inspired by the success of Tony Award-Winning Legally Blonde: The Musical! and Tony Award-nominee Shrek, the Musical, blockbuster, groundbreaking film The Matrix will finally be coming to Broadway! The show will be written and directed by Tony-Winner Stephen Daldry (Billy Elliot) with Drama Desk Award-nominated lyricist David Yazbek (Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, The Full Monty, Houdini), teaming up with Broadway newcomer Jonny Greenwood (Radiohead) on the music and lyrics! Yazbek, one of Broadway’s most prolific lyricists of the last decade has said that Greenwood was a natural choice for a collaborator, as he adds a “sleek, modern touch” to the music that fits perfectly with the futuristic, sci-fi world of The Matrix.
The show will be choreographed by Twyla Tharp and promises to feature elaborately choreographed fight and dance sequences that will be just as groundbreaking and original as those of the film. While the crucial role of Neo has yet to be cast, Tony winners Michael Cerveris and Idina Menzel have been confirmed for the roles of Agent Smith and Trinity, respectively.
Stephen Daldry Says: “The transition [from film to stage] was fairly easy, because there’s something inherently theatrical about The Matrix, isn’t there? Almost operatic. Even watching it for the first time, I thought to myself, This is like an experimental, modern dance, the stylized costumes, the brilliant choreography, the sheer epic nature of the whole experience, really. And, when you think about it, the story of Neo really echoes the stories of the earliest days of theater, those epic, Greek hero’s journey stories. It is admittedly risky bringing science fiction to the Broadway audience, but I’m confident that the team we have assembled is capable of pulling it off.”
This Show is For:
-Longtime Broadway fans who love explosion-heavy, sci-fi movies. (A nonexistent demographic.)
-Longtime Sci-Fi fans who appreciate the emotional expressiveness of Twyla Tharp’s choreography. (A nonexistent demographic.)
-People who accidentally wandered into the theater while looking for Mamma Mia. (75 percent of all Broadway audiences.)
C) Guilty Conscience: The Story of Eminem (2011, Fox Searchlight)
Description: “Ray Charles. Johnny Cash. Notorious B.I.G. And now, Marshall Mathers a.k.a. Eminem will be getting the big screen treatment in Guilty Conscience. 2002’s 8 Mile briefly touched on the best selling rapper’s troubled life, but that story was fiction, just INSPIRED by the truth. Finally, we’ll have the real, untold story that describes how a poor, misunderstood kid from Detroit rose from the streets to break down racial barriers and emerge as the music industry’s most popular hip-hop star. Shia LaBeouf (an avid hip hop fan) stars in this biopic that deals intimately with every aspect of Mathers’s life; from his career, to his drug addiction, to his very public marital troubles and everything in between.
The famously candid rapper supervised the screenplay and assures us that this is the most honest representation of his life and work he’s ever seen, and that people will discover a ‘new side, a side they never thought possible’ from the artist.”
Shia LaBeouf Says: “I honestly thought everything there was to say about Em was said in 8 Mile, but this guy’s got seriously such a fascinating story it’s unbelievable. The amount of shit he’s gone through to get to where he is today is insane, and I’m happy to represent that story as authentically as I can.”
This Movie is For:
-Fans of Shia LaBeouf (except the ones that like him for his impish, playful demeanor and his Disney-character-esque appearance and mannerisms, aka, all of Shia LaBeouf’s fans).
-Fans of Eminem (except the ones that hate Shia LaBeouf for his impish, playful demeanor and his Disney-character-esque appearance and mannerisms, aka, all of Eminem’s fans).
-Eminem, because he just can’t seem to get enough of himself.
Give up? It’s Brian Grazer’s Stretch, the Stretch Armstrong movie. This movie answers the question “What would happen if we took the Fantastic Four movie and removed the hot chick, rock monster and entertaining comic relief?”
It’s bad enough that Candyland, Monopoly and Battleship will all be getting big screen treatments, but now Stretch Armstrong? Don’t get me wrong, I had a Stretch Armstrong as a kid (and, while we’re on the subject, I also had Fetch Armstrong, his stretchy dog) and I even played with it once in a while but, to be honest, even as an eight-year-old, after a few minutes of exhausting every possibility inherent to a stretchy, blond doofus (reaching up to high places to retrieve things; tying limbs in knots; super boners) I’d generally put him away, thinking, There’s probably a better way I can spend my time. At eight freaking years old. The only redeemable thing about the Stretch toys is that, when you got bored, you could cut the toy open and drink the sweet, sweet corn syrup that made the toys so stretchy in the first place, and I honestly don’t think that experience is going to translate to film.
A) Scared Straight with Tom Sizemore (2010, AMC)
Description: “The troubled actor who starred in such films as Steven Spielberg’s Saving Private Ryan, Natural Born Killers and Heat will be touring rehab and correctional facilities all across America giving a series of captivating lectures describing his personal battle with both drugs and violence. Digging into his well of painful and emotional issues, Mr. Sizemore will hopefully steer troubled youths clear of the path that he took.
The show was created by Dr. Adam Silver, who met Tom Sizemore in the Hazelden Alcohol and Drug Rehabilitation facility in 2007 (where Silver is the facility’s chief administrator). Dr. Silver hopes that Mr. Sizemore’s celebrity status as well as his personal record (he has been arrested four times since 2003 on various narcotic, theft and abuse charges and has served a total of 22 months behind bars) will add weight and resonance to his message, in a way that tells his young subjects that drug addiction ‘can happen to anyone.’”
Tom Sizemore Says: “I’ve made some mistakes, too many mistakes, I’ve made them, and there’s no excuse. It’s inexcusable. And now it’s time for me to get the word out, to tell my story, to teach the lessons no one taught me, so some of these kids out there don’t end up where I [ended up].”
[Editor's Note: The tour and lectures also happen to be in accordance with a court-mandated period of community service, assigned after his latest arrest for domestic violence (August 5, 2009).]
This Show is For:
-Troubled youths who frequently watch AMC (an admittedly slim demographic).
-Heidi Fleiss.
-Tom Sizemore’s parole officer.
B) School’s In Session with Professor Arnold (2010, VH1)
Description: “Outrageously outspoken actor-comedian and co-host for The Best Damn Sports Show Period Tom Arnold is going back to school as… a teacher? That’s right! Tom Arnold will be returning to Ottumwa High School (Iowa), his alma mater, but this time he’ll be behind the desk as the school’s Drama/English Lit teacher. The reality show focuses on Arnold’s attempts to help the troubled students at Ottumwa, as well as the events in his personal life and his quest to find Mrs. Right. Will he find love in the teacher’s lounge? Find out!”
Tom Arnold Says: “I learned from a former English teacher of mine that OHS was going through some pretty rough budget cuts, a lot centered around the theater department, and I thought ‘Hey, if I can bring a little attention to Ottumwa, maybe some money will follow and we’ll be able to save the program.’ I know I can’t imagine my high school days without the drama department and I’d be heartbroken if kids today never got the same opportunity. Who knows, maybe I’ll be able to turn some of those kids around, too. Like a Dangerous Minds, my own personal Dangerous Minds.
This Show is For:
-People on whom the embarrassing lives of washed-up celebrities has a sort of insanely watchable Car Accident Effect, from which they cannot look away (i.e. the typical VH1 audience).
-Roseanne Barr, as this show is just another step in their ongoing feud to out-crazy each other post-divorce.
-Concerned parents of Ottumwa students who are looking for a reason to transfer their children to private school.
C) Steven Seagal: Lawman (2009, A&E)
Description: “Steven Seagal is once again out for justice… this time as a real-life cop in Louisiana.
A reality series that follows action star Steven Seagal’s adventures as a fully-commissioned deputy with the Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office in Louisiana.”
Steven Seagal Says: “I’ve been working as an officer in Jefferson Parish for two decades under most people’s radar… I’ve decided to work with A&E on this series now because I believe it’s important to show the nation all the positive work being accomplished here in Louisiana; to see the passion and commitment that comes from the Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office in this post-Katrina environment.” [Note: there is an unconfirmed yet highly likely rumor that Seagal's explanation was punctuated by the sound of an eagle cawing majestically in the distance.]
This Show is For:
-Me.
-Me.
-Me.
Give up? It’s Steven Seagal: Lawman and I couldn’t be more excited to be a living human being with functioning eyes. Steven Seagal has been fighting actual crime in Louisiana as an actual police officer (”under most people’s radar”) and now someone is going to point a camera at him and let him spew hot chunks of action madness all over my television screen. He’s above-the-law, and out for justice on deadly ground. He’s a hard-to-kill, pistol-whipping, executive-decision-making mercenary for urban justice, a one man attack force, and there’s a fire down below… in my pants! I can’t fucking wait for this show.1
1[Also, not only is this show irrefutable evidence that America is the greatest country on Earth, A&E, in an effort to build hype for the show, will soon be releasing a Biography celebrating Steven Seagal's illustrious, game-changing career, a TV Special that features commentary from such notable Pop Culture icons as Charlie Murphy and Cracked.com writers Steve Clark and Daniel "Me" O'Brien. Be on the lookout for A&E's Biography of Steven Seagal, check your local listings!]
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November 11th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Are you kidding? The Belding karaoke CD is the BEST thing on this list!
November 4th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
They made and evil dead musical in vancouver. I wanted to go see it just to see how bad it is. But then realised seeing something like that brought so far down might make lose faith in humanity ( well more than I already have).
October 28th, 2009 at 7:07 am
I am a long-time sci-fi fan who appreciates twyla tharp’s choreography(really). I still wouldn’t go to see the matrix musical.
October 25th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
I correct my mistake. Army of Darkness wasn’t turned into a musical or at least been yet, Evil Dead was.
In my disgust I made a slight error.
And for that I apologize.
But still, an Evil Dead musical is just as bad.
And we all know and Army of Darkness musical can’t be far behind.
I mean they made a freakin’ SHREK broadway musical.
Is nothing sacred?
October 25th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
If I hadn’t already lost all faith in humanity, this article would have made lose
all faith in humanity.
With mere SECONDS to recover from the news they’re making a (presumably) live action STRETCH-FREAKIN-ARMSTRONG movie, I discover a musical adaptation of The Matrix and a biopic of Eminem starring Shia LaBeouf…
The fact that my laptop is still not coated in a thick layer of my gray matter and skull fragments is downright astonishing.
The Matrix is one of my ALL TIME favorite movies. Actually it and Army of Darkness (another film-turned musical abortion) are tied as my two favorite movies.
And it’s headed for Broadway.
‘Nuff said.
And and Eminem biopic sounds like a great idea. He’s not only my favorite rapper, his is about the only modern rap I’ll listen to. Sure, I thought biopics were traditionally made after the subject decides to bugger off this mortal coil, but hey.
But Shia La-I can’t even come up with a expletive to properly express my frustration-Beouf?! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always loved his acting. But (like the article says) everything that makes him like able is everything that makes him WRONG ON EVERY LEVEL for this role!
ON THE OTHER HAND: If he does, by some MIRACLE manage to pull this off in a manner that doesn’t make me want to shoot him in the face, he’ll have proven himself to have far more acting prowess than I’d ever thought.
However, on this particular plain of existence that seems entirely dedicated to bastardizing and/or anally raping everything I love, I don’t really see that happening.
October 25th, 2009 at 8:25 am
I can imagine a torture scene in the Strech Armstrong movie.
October 18th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
Yay! Washed up celebrities FTW!!!
Stretch Armstrong? WTF? No. It can’t be true. I refuse to believe it. IT JUST CAN’T!
Hillary Duff covering Elliot Smith songs made me puke. Even if it was made up it still scared the shit out of me. Then again, after hearing that the Jonas Brothers are going to cover, or already have covered, The Beatles I had already lost any and all hope for Western Civilization.
Wally McWallyton Says:
August 21st, 2009 at 9:23 pm
As a general rule; if you’re watching television, you are slowly becoming retarded. Try not watching it for a year or two; you will notice a significant improvement in your…. uh…. non-retardedness.
Hmmm… that sounds logical. I shall try this. If the outcome is as you say it is, then I may owe you; if not for giving me a way of becoming less “retarded,” then at least helping me save a little moola for something worth-while, and not brain decaying.
October 16th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
I live in Calcasieu Parish in Louisiana. The cops are scary enough for god’s sake! Steven Seagal?! Why? A&E made me new nightmares!
October 13th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Hahaha!!! The Matrix musical poster is awesome!! I was disappointed when that one wasn’t it (not that I would’ve gone to see it. Just knowing it was real would’ve been hilarious!)
October 5th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
dude, it’s freakin’ steven seagal. the worst action star to ever grace the neon lighted stage, but ont the other hand, he isn’t all that different from keanu Reeves.
September 28th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
Now let’s not be too hasty here, just what will Mr. Armstrong be strechin’ if you get my drift.
September 27th, 2009 at 10:53 am
Karaoke is actually Japanese for “Empty Orchestra,” not voiceless.
Also, great article, I can’t believe what IS real.
September 26th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
“Stretch Armstrong is a character I have wanted to see on screen for a long time.”
Suuure Brian, sure…
September 22nd, 2009 at 9:26 pm
Saw previews for Lawman, looks sweet. I wonder if any other head-smashing 90’s action-movie icons will follow suit? Van-Damm as a customs agent? Lee-Jones as an Air Marshall? Does it seem like I am using lots of hyphens?
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:14 am
Under “This Show Is For” for the Matrix Musical, I disagree that some of those are non-existent demographics. I’ll admit that it’s kind of sad that a “longtime Broadway who love explosion-heavy, sci-fi movies” really exists, but I do in fact
September 20th, 2009 at 7:49 am
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September 19th, 2009 at 11:01 am
I think the Matrix musical was a dream I had where my girlfriend was all excited because she got a part in the chorus and I just went WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT FOR REAL.
I can totally see Michael Cerveris as Agent Smith, lmao.
September 19th, 2009 at 9:16 am
Having been subjected to the crap that is actually being made(Transformers–a commercial for a toy, made into a commercial for GM, posing as a film. just as one example.) I could believe all of these things were being pondered. If someone in these “industries” actually had an original idea their heads would explode.
September 14th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
“The Matrix: The Musical!”. Ahhh, I’m SO disappointed that it’s not real. They should make it happen. The poster alone is epic.
September 14th, 2009 at 7:00 am
Can you believe that Steven Seagal acually is a sworn law officer in New Orleans and has been for years???
September 10th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Matrix the Musical. I am p!ssing myself. Sitting here literally peeing on my clothes. F’ing insane.
September 9th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
SO FUCKING EXCITED FOR LAWMAN.
September 8th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
“First one I picked the obama poetry. You americans worship that darkie something fierce. Idiots.”
I didn’t know conservative, racist assholes could spell!
September 4th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
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September 4th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
heh
September 3rd, 2009 at 7:50 am
[...] just a link, but Cracked.com has posted a list of wonderful things that I feel are all worthy of listing as a Trashed Idea. It’s separated [...]
September 2nd, 2009 at 11:52 am
Fuck, I’m so glad that Hillary Duff album isn’t real. I almost cried.
August 31st, 2009 at 7:41 pm
I just basically shit myself at Hilary Duff recording Elliott Smith songs.
Teach me to skim, I guess
August 29th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
“Ray Haype Says:
August 23rd, 2009 at 8:16 pm
First one I picked the obama poetry. You americans worship that darkie something fierce. Idiots.”
LOL
Idiot here is you buddy.
August 27th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Danielle_O%27brian
August 27th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
“Longtime Broadway fans who love explosion-heavy, sci-fi movies. (A nonexistent demographic.)”
I am one of these people. Really. I want to see a Matrix Musical!!
Too bad that will never happen
August 27th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Oh my fucking shit! Lawman! Seagal doesnt just fuck around! No, sir!
August 27th, 2009 at 8:37 am
karaoke means “empty orchestra.”
now, off to slog to another class, and contemplate that my 4-year degree qualifies me solely to annoyingly correct mispronounciation of japanese terms. sigh.
August 26th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
“Longtime Broadway fans who love explosion-heavy, sci-fi movies. (A nonexistent demographic.)”
I am one of these people. Really. I want to see a Matrix Musical!!
August 26th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
and they fooled you alot by photoshopping most of the images, like the stretch armstrong thing being the wrestler and basic ms word fonts
August 26th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
alot of you in the comments don tunderstand that only karaoke, stretch armstrong, and steven segal show, were real things.
August 26th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
That Hilary Duff blasphemy - when i saw it my gasp of horror was so huge that i sucked in too much air and almost choked to death.
HILARY DUFF ALMOST KILLED ME.
Or DOB almost killed me, whatever.
August 26th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Holy shit.
Holy shit.
Steven Seagal is a fucking actual cop? Anyone who does not think this is awesome is automatically disqualified from the “Panel for deciding when something is awesome”.
August 26th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Someone need’s to stop Hilary Duff
August 26th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
My Tivo is already set. This is going to be epic!
August 26th, 2009 at 12:42 am
Is the Steven Seagal show really going to be called “Steven Seagal: Lawman”?
August 25th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Can it be any worse than Karaoke Xmas carrols with William Shatner?
My money is on the Matrix musical being unintensionally hillarious.
August 25th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Supposedly Matrix the Musical already exists as an off broadway play entitled “Neo: A Matrix Musical.” I have a friend who went to see it and almost pissed himself it was so funny. Apparently one the musical numbers is called the “Whoa song”
August 25th, 2009 at 1:05 am
This Steven Seagal show is really happening?! Someone told me about this in a bar once and I just laughed it off as bull…
I think my life just flashed before my eyes…
And honestly, I would watch that Tom Sizemore show, too. Where he talks to little kids like that scene in Saving Private Ryan where he’s telling Ed Burns to listen to Tom Hanks. Plus, I think he would just snap one day and look into the camera and say, “Listen, there’s 3 things I love in this world. Hookers. Meth. And fucking hookers while on meth.” Thus making a great YouTube video and meme…
August 24th, 2009 at 11:50 pm
Man I guessed all of them wrong….
A
C
B
Since Shia Lebouf has been in Cage’s music videos and is in a movie about Cage, I considered he might have actually accepted a role even after 8 Mile summed up everything.
August 24th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
The stretch poster was just an edited poster for “The Wrestler” that movie ruled, stretch will not.
I was so sure it was the Matrix Musical, hell, it might’ve made me actually watch the matrix and listen to Radiohead (everyone I know who enjoys them is a pretentious modern artsy douche…I wont try them out)
And that karaoke CD looks awesome, that guys face is hilarious. I’d own it just to put it on my table to piss Daniel O’ Brien off if he ever came over (he wont).
The fact that Seagel is a police officer fills me with shame, pride, fear, and ball size increasing testosterone. God Bless America.
Ride the walrus and stay juicy for me.
August 24th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
Dara my love, we have the same thoughts.
August 24th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
I picked the Mark McCrath poetry thing for the first one. It seems to fit McGraths personality and also the new levels of blackploitation that America has sunk to.
On the other two I guessed correctly, but feel like everyone looses.
August 24th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
“Longtime Broadway fans who love explosion-heavy, sci-fi movies. ” <—-ME!!
How dare you dangle that kinda of awesome in front of my eyes only to replace it with Streach Armstrong bull shit!
I am genuienly dissapointed that this isnt real
August 24th, 2009 at 10:16 am
-Longtime Broadway fans who love explosion-heavy, sci-fi movies. (A nonexistent demographic.)
I would tend to disagree! There are at least two sci-fi broadway fans! I bet we could find/coerce more. However, only if Twila Tharp’s not involved.
August 24th, 2009 at 3:17 am
Steven Seagal as a cop? The role will fit him like a glove. He can amble around, eating doughnuts and talking tough. But he’d better bring a younger cop as backup in case a perp decides to run.
August 23rd, 2009 at 8:16 pm
First one I picked the obama poetry. You americans worship that darkie something fierce. Idiots.
Second was eminem and I literally lurched back in disgust and shock at a stretch movie. That couldn’t possibly be real.
Only the last one, I won.
August 23rd, 2009 at 6:44 pm
You know, when I got to Round #2, and the first item I saw was Stretch, I said to myself, “Myself, DOB is not even trying. I mean, come on, myself, what idiot would make a movie about Stretch Armstrong?” Then I got to the answer, and myself smacked myself for asking myself such a stupid question, and now myself will not speak to myself. Oh, well, that is simply what myself gets for not realizing how low some people will stoop for movie ideas. Sorry, myself.
Wheelz, who wants to know what rapper they will get to voice the dog.
August 23rd, 2009 at 6:31 pm
this is v retarded
August 23rd, 2009 at 8:17 am
In my blinding fury, I skipped over the pivotal point of this Cracked article. I apologize profusely for missing that little fact that it’s not real.
But if Hilary Duff ever does decide to shit on the name of Elliott Smith, I’m going to collect the defecation of every port-o-john in America and dump it down her throat.
August 23rd, 2009 at 8:13 am
Seriously? Hilary Duff decided to use Figure 8 on her cover? What kind of pretentious little drip of cum thinks that her sub-par pop-teen music is worthy of being compared with anything related to Elliott Smith? Her music is comprised of the most generic and uninventive lyrics that were ever put on the radio, and she thinks that she has enough talent to be compared with the god who created the Roman Candles album?
Hilary Duff, please, most of people who have musical taste are able to tolerate your inability to be creative, but when you start growing an ego and place yourself on the same level as someone who is at least 40,000 leagues above, then we have a problem with it. Hilary Duff, you deserve to placed on a different planet in an entirely different galaxy, and you can take all of your 14 year old prepubescent fuck-muppet fans with you, you fucking rotting piece of dog shit.
August 23rd, 2009 at 12:15 am
Segal…as a cop…oh god… I think I’ll just go kill myself.
August 22nd, 2009 at 11:45 pm
‘Twas beautiful, DOB,
i laughed uncontrollably- at the downfall of western civilization-
i may have been drunk while reading
(an offense usually referred to as a ‘DWR’),
but it was, in fact, truly hilarious, as per usual… thank you <3
August 22nd, 2009 at 11:42 pm
Um…. retarded wasn’t originally an epithet. It describes the situation. To impede or obstruct something from happening is to retard it. if I put a baby calf in a box so it can’t move, I am retarding it’s growth. If you say/do something akin to or like something that would be done by someone who’s mental faculties have been impeded from growing to their full potential……… YOU ARE ACTING LIKE A RETARDED PERSON.
August 22nd, 2009 at 9:37 pm
um… longtime Broadway fans who love explosion-heavy, sci-fi movies is an existing demographic and it’s made up of me.
August 22nd, 2009 at 9:12 pm
I’m sure he meant to say midget…
“what’s with using the word retarded? It’s so seventh grade and doesn’t make you a bit cooler. It’s pathetic that adults use a word that demeans and mocks people with special needs. What gives?
I’m not trying to take away your right to use it. Just wondering why you would knowing the hurt you cause.”
August 22nd, 2009 at 8:10 pm
what’s with using the word retarded? It’s so seventh grade and doesn’t make you a bit cooler. It’s pathetic that adults use a word that demeans and mocks people with special needs. What gives?
I’m not trying to take away your right to use it. Just wondering why you would knowing the hurt you cause.
August 22nd, 2009 at 6:49 pm
“He’s above-the-law, and out for justice on deadly ground. He’s a hard-to-kill, pistol-whipping, executive-decision-making mercenary for urban justice, a one man attack force, and there’s a fire down below… in my pants! I can’t fucking wait for this show.”
ahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa…!!!
August 22nd, 2009 at 4:40 pm
“This Show is For:
-Me.
-Me.
-Me.”
Ahahahah!
..that does sound pretty cool, although, he’s so old he doesn’t do his own martial arts any more; it’s almost 100% camera tricks.
August 22nd, 2009 at 7:35 am
I’m a longtime Broadway fan who loves explosion-heavy, sci-fi movies. I feel like some sort of quirky, over-the-top indie movie character now.
Hmm. Jazz hands. Jazz Hands. SHRAPNEL.
That said, I’d have to kill myself if there were a Matrix musical.
August 22nd, 2009 at 7:14 am
Kibaks Says:
August 21st, 2009 at 1:11 pm
What’s with all these stupid movies based off 80s nostalgia?
When do us 90s kids get our childhood raped by mediocre-awful films?
Um, dude, Stretch Armstrong figures were made in the 70s and the 90s, you were totally off.
And BTW, I really thought it was the Matrix musicial. If they can make a musicial for the Wedding Singer, Billy Elliot and Big, they can and will do ANYTHING
August 22nd, 2009 at 6:30 am
Wow, I have to express relief at the Hillary Duff/Elliott Smith thing being false. I was worried for a second there.
August 22nd, 2009 at 4:38 am
I was actually listening to all of Elliott Smith’s songs on shuffle while reading this article and felt like throwing my computer out the window upon reading the Hilary/Elliott tribute. That was a miserable 30 seconds of reading until I read that it wasn’t true.
Great article though, and the Seagal show looks awesome.
August 22nd, 2009 at 4:13 am
I’d watch The Matrix: The Musical.
I’m a part of two of those demographics that you deem non existent! Namely:
-Longtime Broadway fans who love explosion-heavy, sci-fi movies. (A nonexistent demographic.)
-Longtime Sci-Fi fans who appreciate the emotional expressiveness of Twyla Tharp’s choreography. (A nonexistent demographic.)
Seriously though, enough of Idina Menzel, let’s see someone new! She’s very talented but we need some new faces!
August 22nd, 2009 at 3:38 am
Wow, makes pretty good sense to me dude!
RT
http://www.web-tools.us.tc
August 22nd, 2009 at 3:12 am
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August 22nd, 2009 at 2:29 am
to be honest as some one born and raised in new orleans all my life, I am definatly looking forward to the Steven Seagal: Lawman show. I knew he was friends with the old sherrife but never knew he was an actual reserve depputy. One of my friends was actualy on another a&e series called the rookies. His name was Joshua Norris and he was a good friend of mine. He was shot down in the line of duty, may you rest in peace my friend you are missed
August 22nd, 2009 at 2:23 am
Round #2: B):
You forgot about Jonny Greenwood/Radiohead hardcores, who wouldn’t miss that shit for the WORLD.
August 22nd, 2009 at 2:10 am
The thing about Mr. Belding made me want to cry, but Steven Seagal: Lawman, may in fact be humanity’s Crowning Moment of Awesome.
August 22nd, 2009 at 12:55 am
Well Tom Smith, it’s about time you woke up. Great article DOB, best you’ve done in a while - the game for the readers was a good idea. I hope more shall follow!
August 22nd, 2009 at 12:07 am
It’s sad that a few of these things I am now actually anticipcaintg
August 21st, 2009 at 11:48 pm
Man screw you DOB I HATE you so much. I feel so dirty and so stupid for reading this stuff and realizing just how stupid we really are as a culture. You tricked me into believing that the Obama poems and M&M story was true. You made me look stupid and I am unhappy. Maybe I will do better next time you release another one of these
PS, release more of these.
August 21st, 2009 at 10:39 pm
Okay, I immediately got the Stretch Armstrong one, because I intuited that you were making it look dumber than it really was. Then I followed your link, which says it’s directed by the awesome Steve Oedekerk (Thumb Wars, Ace Ventura 2 When Nature Calls, Kung Pow Enter The Fist, The Nutty Professor). Then I read a little further, about the board game movies. Did they forget that shitty Clue movie? And why no Risk movie? That would be awesome.
August 21st, 2009 at 10:00 pm
“It’s a credit to DOB’s comedic genius and the sad, sad state of western culture that I honestly bought every one of those EXCEPT for the Stretch Armstrong movie… Christ…”
I whiffed on Stretch and the Seagal show. Which also seems like an indictment of the culture. Even if I do partake in raspberry flavored canine excrement from time to time.
August 21st, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Who knew Tom Arnold and Radar O’Reilly were from the same town?
August 21st, 2009 at 9:23 pm
“People on whom the embarrassing lives of washed-up celebrities has a sort of insanely watchable Car Accident Effect, from which they cannot look away”
This is basically the definition of television viewers.
As a general rule; if you’re watching television, you are slowly becoming retarded. Try not watching it for a year or two; you will notice a significant improvement in your…. uh…. non-retardedness. If you don’t, then feel free to jerk-off to shows about Scott Baio dancing with celebrity ice-fisherman or whatever the fuck it is they’re feeding you.
Remember: no matter how delicious the raspberry flavored dogshit you’re eating is, it’s still FUCKING DOGSHIT.
August 21st, 2009 at 9:07 pm
Shia LaBeouf as Eminem? My D–K wants to laugh…
August 21st, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Is this even relevant?
What about Farve and Mike Vick?
http://concretelyambiguous.com/relevant/
August 21st, 2009 at 7:05 pm
Oh god, I hope this isn’t real.
Also, “there’s a fire down below… in my pants!” Heh.
August 21st, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Actually no, I knew the Eminem one was bullshit…
The matrix musical actually sounded cool goddammit.
August 21st, 2009 at 7:00 pm
It’s a credit to DOB’s comedic genius and the sad, sad state of western culture that I honestly bought every one of those EXCEPT for the Stretch Armstrong movie… Christ…
August 21st, 2009 at 6:49 pm
[...] Pop Culture’s Retarded Future: Stuff They’re Actually Making | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/blog/spot-the-real-retarded-product – view page – cached Let’s play a game. I’m going to name three, ridiculous, products or projects. Two of them will be fake, one will be real, all will be retarded. It’s your job to pick out the real one and, — From the page [...]
August 21st, 2009 at 6:36 pm
[...] think the media is putting out some ridiculous crap now. Just wait. (Cracked) Share this [...]
August 21st, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Of everything on this list, the one that struck me as the absolute most unfathomable, (stretch armstrong the movie) is true…
…
…
…
*sigh*
August 21st, 2009 at 6:03 pm
I was scrolling the page and I saw Hillary Duff in front of the Figure 8 wall. I feel like crying and bashing my head into something. Really… Smith inspired Duff… Bull fucking shit.
August 21st, 2009 at 5:40 pm
“Longtime Broadway fans who love explosion-heavy, sci-fi movies.”
Actually, that’s me. And I wish to whatever deity gives a damn that Matrix: The Musical was real.
August 21st, 2009 at 5:30 pm
A stretch armstrong movie, for real???
August 21st, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Just informing you that Karaoke actually is combined from the Japanese words for empty and orchestra. So empty orchestra. Great article btw
August 21st, 2009 at 5:08 pm
dude, you know whats sad? for a small small portion of time, one barely even amounting to a secound, i almost hoped that the emenim with shia movie was real. but then i came back to my senses and realized how fucking retarded that’d be….although, we all know that transformers was a government conspiracy to arrange shia to kill megan fox, and because he failed he was puinished with transformers 2…so it’s entirely plausible he could be made to do such a shitty movie. even tho its kind of the governments fault, cus they shud have sent in harrison ford to kill megan- she is most likely in league with the nazis anyways, so who better than indiana jones?? (:
August 21st, 2009 at 5:04 pm
But the Steven Seagal’s videogame on the SNES was fucking horrible!!!
August 21st, 2009 at 5:04 pm
lol steven seagal reality tv?!?!?!?!? wtf
August 21st, 2009 at 4:41 pm
KILL ME NOW!!!!!!
August 21st, 2009 at 3:49 pm
For a brief moment, I actually considered burning my Elliott Smith CD’s if his music was going to be associated with that no-talent teen tart.
Whew! That was a close one…….
August 21st, 2009 at 3:11 pm
DOB, I tried my best, but I couldn’t even read through this. You used to be my favorite Cracked columnist, dude, but the quality of your work started sliding after your quest to get free Watchmen tickets.
August 21st, 2009 at 2:37 pm
I would be in sooo much shit if Steven Segal pulled me over. I mean, who would believe for more than 10 seconds that this wasn’t some “Candid Camera” bullshit?
August 21st, 2009 at 2:36 pm
It’s funny how the most ridiculous options are real.
August 21st, 2009 at 2:17 pm
“…there are just so many layers of retarded I might have a stroke.”
that made me spit up a little.
August 21st, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Yeah the fact that Cracked.com ripped off a segment of an NPR show is probably the biggest punchline of this whole article.
The other great thing about Stretch Armstrong is the you could swing them around and pop your little brothers in the head until they got their Stretch Armstrong toy and swung it around popped you in the head and then you would go and cut open their toy and let all that red shit out, rendering them useless, and then you got your doll and beat the shit out of them, thus winning the Stretch Armstrong arms race.
August 21st, 2009 at 1:50 pm
DOB This one sucked…SMOKE SOME MORE WEED, EAT A COUPLE MORE OXYCOTINS, AND DO BETTER WORK GOD DAMMIT!
August 21st, 2009 at 1:21 pm
lol Beppo indeed I too would like Carl Kassels voice on my home answering machine but alas I did not win this weeks edition of cracked.com wait.. wait don’t tell me. I guess I had too much faith in humanity. For real Hollywood? Stretch Fucking Armstrong!? Wait does 2 out of three count? It would if this was npr!
August 21st, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Stretch Armstrong?
What’s with all these stupid movies based off 80s nostalgia?
When do us 90s kids get our childhood raped by mediocre-awful films?
August 21st, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Well now I desperately want to see a musical based on The Matrix. It wouldn’t even be that hard.
Agent Smith’s interrogating Morpheus when he breaks into his big song, “Revelation.”
“You humans are a virus, and we are the cure.
Soon you’ll tire. Us? We’ll access Zion for sure!”
That took 15 seconds! It writes itself, people.
August 21st, 2009 at 12:47 pm
@Beppo–you do realize that 9 out of 10 Cracked readers did not get your joke…
August 21st, 2009 at 12:45 pm
yay DOB you made me happy and /facepalm all at once
August 21st, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Please allow me to preface the question below with the following statement: I’m sooooo out of the loop in most any given social situation.
After clicking on the IMDB link below, I have to ask…
Is this next-to-nobody, Canadian D-lister(Neil Fifer) the new Rick Astley/ Rick-roll ?
Is this just popping up on Cracked or is somebody sadly trying to push along some Canadian Meme ?
Neil is that you?
August 21st, 2009 at 12:31 pm
I’m glad the first one isn’t true, but there’s something worse - a reporter is compiling stories of sex dreams and other dreams people have about Barack Obama (actual dream dreams) into a book. Just like they did with Clinton. I don’t know about you but I do NOT want to picture Barry O’s O-face, or any other politician’s for that matter. I wish that book was just the bizarre drug-fueled imagining of a comedy writer for Cracked.
August 21st, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Actually Tony Danza will be a teacher in an upcoming reality series, so unfortunately that idea is not that absurd.
http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/tv/2009/08/20/2009-08-20_tony_danza_.html
August 21st, 2009 at 12:16 pm
starring in most of this shit?! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ LOL! Pop Culture indeed!
August 21st, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Hey, I got ‘em all right. When do I get Carl Kasell’s voice on my home answering machine?
August 21st, 2009 at 11:57 am
I don’t know if I should be happy or frightened… I got all 3 correct. : |
August 21st, 2009 at 11:55 am
Sugar Ray is the single biggest sellout band of all time. Those fuckers started out sounding like the Beastie Boys, and ended up crooning to god damn tweens. Seriously, check out songs from their first album, like Big Black Woman and see if you don’t vomit every time you see McGrath’s douchy face. I hope they all fucking die.
August 21st, 2009 at 11:46 am
At one point, Danny DeVito was attached to start in “Stretch Armstrong”. I’m not kidding.
August 21st, 2009 at 11:46 am
I completely disagree with all the “where’s the humor?” comments. As per usual, DOB, you make me lol.
And quite frankly, I’m impressed that you know (or could Google) enough about theatre to make the REEEEEAAALLY convincing “The Matrix: The Musical!” description.
For anyone who enjoyed this article and wants another good laugh/shudder/cry, do a Google search for Twyla Tharp’s mercifully short-lived “The Times They Are A-Changing: The Bob Dylan Musical.”
August 21st, 2009 at 11:45 am
Wow. I honestly was unable to pick out the fakes in each case.
But the one that takes the cake is Stretch Armstrong: The Movie. Thats the ONLY one I immediately marked as fake. I mean, my brain literally refused to recognize that as real.
I have so horribly underestimated the stupidity, lack of creativity, and desperation of Hollywood.
American Cinema is dead. Long live American Cinema.
August 21st, 2009 at 11:44 am
i had to check the eminem thing, i was deeply upset by it hahaha
August 21st, 2009 at 11:40 am
Very good article about the kind of stupidity american media has achieved, but just a little complain.
If this was gonna be a guess game, you should have left at least 20 lines between the options and the actual answer, I couldn’t help but see the answer before having decided by myself.
Otherwise very good DOB
August 21st, 2009 at 10:46 am
Here in ex-communistan, there used to be a whole bunch of people who actually bought that type of poetry, glorifiying Mr.President-for-life.
August 21st, 2009 at 10:42 am
For something to qualify as part of pop culture, it’s not enough for it to simply exist; it also has to be popular. Are you saying you think “Mr. Belding:Principaly Karaoke” will become a sensation? And the author correctly recognizes that Steven Seagal: Lawman will be awesome.
But yeah, I agree Brian Grazer’s Stretch Armstrong movie is an unbelievably stupid idea. But then again, I’m eagerly awaiting for Sam Remi’s “Cabbage Patch: Coleslaghter”
August 21st, 2009 at 10:39 am
the only one I called bullshit on right away was Hillary Duff covering Elliott Smith. I mean I could actually see someone trying this considering tributes to dead artists is an easy way of saying “I have no creativity” but of someone who’s as obscure as Elliott Smith. The others I could all imagine actually happening, and as retarded as the matrix musical is, with the sudden surge in musicals popularity (DAMN YOU RENT!) I could see them doing something like that.
August 21st, 2009 at 10:37 am
I saw the picture of Hillary Duff superimposed over the mural from Elliott Smith’s “Figure 8″ cover and I literally couldn’t finish reading about Mr. Belding. I felt the blood drain from my face because I was convinced before finishing that it was the true product. I actually felt a little sick at the thought.
Congratulations DOB on being the first Cracked columnist to make me actually feel physically ill while reading a column. Not an easy task.
August 21st, 2009 at 10:34 am
Please, God, NO! Not another Steven Seagal movie. Oh gods!
August 21st, 2009 at 10:30 am
I’m in that “Longtime Broadway fans who love explosion-heavy, sci-fi movies” demographic, too.
Also, I’m from Jefferson Parish in Louisiana. This makes me think I should go back to my roots.
August 21st, 2009 at 10:23 am
Are you really gonna be on A&E?
August 21st, 2009 at 10:07 am
………….I fit in the “Longtime Broadway fans who love explosion-heavy, sci-fi movies” demographic.
August 21st, 2009 at 9:45 am
Guys, i think it might be time for all of us to curl up into the fetal position and weep for the future. Then track down the monsters who are making these. Except for the last one.
August 21st, 2009 at 9:41 am
The sad fact is, I honestly could see all of those products coming out.
August 21st, 2009 at 9:36 am
I’m just really relieved to hear that Sugar Ray book was fake.
August 21st, 2009 at 9:35 am
I LIVE IN JEFFERSON PARISH!?!?!
so if I commit a crime theres a change Steven Segal will show up!?!?!?
August 21st, 2009 at 9:20 am
lol’d at the “sweet, sweet corn syrup” bit.
can’t wait until next month so mr. belding and i can impress the ladies with a little california dreamin’. we’re gonna sound so good that mama cass will be spinning in her gigantic coffin.
August 21st, 2009 at 9:17 am
Holy crap!!! When will Steven Seagal be on my television box?? This is the best news I’ve heard in the past 5 minutes.
August 21st, 2009 at 9:02 am
the last paragraph was the shit! i too can’t wait to see steven seagull as a policeman.
August 21st, 2009 at 8:59 am
Stuff like this makes me believe the world will be like Idiocracy in a few years….
August 21st, 2009 at 8:50 am
so is that why steven seagal sais no to stallone about appearing in expendables (a movie featuring arnie, bruce willis, jet li, stallone himself, jason statham - basically the movie god intended when he first created humans with the ability to make films)
August 21st, 2009 at 8:46 am
This was a let down. Let’s go back to comedy next week.
August 21st, 2009 at 8:44 am
The picture of Shia LaBeouf in the bus with that hat made me laugh out loud.
August 21st, 2009 at 8:42 am
Hey, I’ve got a poem for Obama right here; it’s in haiku!
Dropping in the polls,
It certainly sucks to be
Accountable now.
August 21st, 2009 at 8:36 am
The sad part about all of this is that I guessed right in all three rounds. And, all three were a total guess on my part.
Really? A fucking “Stretch Armstrong” movie? The Mr. Belding album and Steven Seagal’s “Cops” knock-off I can sort of understand to a point. But, why “Stretch Armstrong”?
God damn, my brain hurts.
August 21st, 2009 at 8:21 am
It was a lot longer than it needed to be.
By the way, how DARE you destroy my hopes of Matrix, the Musical!
August 21st, 2009 at 7:59 am
Wow… that was a waste of time.. Where’s the humor? If you are gonna fake up something do it like the Onion… you know: with humor.
August 21st, 2009 at 7:58 am
Charles -
They aren’t making Matrix, the Musical, that was one of the fake ones. It seems to me you have completely missed the point of this article, and since it was thoroughly explained in the beginning, I can only assume you didn’t understand because you’re retarded. So way to read, buddy, you keep that helmet on and reach for the stars!
August 21st, 2009 at 7:57 am
“I like the Hilary idea, but it needs to be carried out to it’s logical conclusion. That is, she should stab herself twice in the chest.”
Yeah, I guess I didn’t think of that. Something good could come out of that project afterall.
August 21st, 2009 at 7:57 am
HOW CAN THEY NOT MAKE MATRIX THE MUSICAL?!?!
August 21st, 2009 at 7:54 am
@Dy: Wow, a movie about Cage would be amazing. Lots of drugs and raping dead grandmothers.
August 21st, 2009 at 7:51 am
Totally embarrassed to admit I got the instructions backward - ONE real entry and two bogus ones. (I tend to be a dumbass on Friday, and that’s before any alcohol or recreational narcotics get added to the mix) Sad thing is, even doing this ass-backwards I STILL nailed three for three.
Pop culture (or the executive view of it, anyway) is much sadder than I thought.
August 21st, 2009 at 7:26 am
So, the “Editor’s Note” for the Sizemore project was a fake??
August 21st, 2009 at 7:22 am
HOW THE FUCK CAN THEY MAKE MATRIX THE MUSICAL?!?
August 21st, 2009 at 7:13 am
Man, for some reason, I saw Tom Arnold’s picture and thought, “Isn’t he dead?” It was then that I realized that I had somehow confused Tom Arnold with Phil Hartman. O_o
August 21st, 2009 at 7:06 am
Dumb article. just….just dumb.
August 21st, 2009 at 7:02 am
You were almost right about “karaoke”, DOB. It actually means “Empty orchestra”. Still, brilliant article.
August 21st, 2009 at 6:55 am
Wendigo you gay? Segal?
Just where is your “Stretch Armstrong” now?
Pop: RIP
August 21st, 2009 at 6:53 am
Seagal! Yes! Best news of my life.
August 21st, 2009 at 6:53 am
Did you base all of the fake ones on actual projects? There’s the thing that Dy mentioned about Shia LaBeouf, and there’s also a show coming up on A&E where Tony Danza teaches an English class in Philadelphia.
August 21st, 2009 at 6:42 am
I like the Hilary idea, but it needs to be carried out to it’s logical conclusion. That is, she should stab herself twice in the chest.
August 21st, 2009 at 6:41 am
The Matrix musical would either be gay or FUCKING AWESOME!
Dongtacular.
August 21st, 2009 at 6:39 am
Oh thank God that Eminem movie is fake. I was starting to sweat with rage as I was reading it. Oh sweet Jesus…
August 21st, 2009 at 6:37 am
I honestly wouldn’t mind reading that Sugar Ray poetry, because I think it would be hysterical.
However, my blood ran cold when I saw the Hilary Duff/Elliott Smith thing, because I thought to myself, “Dear god, has my wish actually been GRANTED?!” I would love nothing more than to hear her sweet Lizzie McGuire voice belt out those sad, sorrowful tunes.
August 21st, 2009 at 6:32 am
Ooh my god! DOB on TV!
This is going to my TiVo.
August 21st, 2009 at 6:26 am
“Longtime Broadway fans who love explosion-heavy, sci-fi movies. (A nonexistent demographic.)”
are you implying I don’t exist DOB, caus i would totaly go see The Matrix in musical form, especially w/ Idina Menzel! Also didn’t Jonny Greenwood do the score for “There Will Be Blood”, or did I just make that fact up in my head?
August 21st, 2009 at 6:22 am
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August 21st, 2009 at 6:22 am
holy crap, Idina Menzel as Trinity?!
LMAO!!
did you make that up yourself??
KUDOS!!
August 21st, 2009 at 6:21 am
I have Sugar Ray stuck in head now… Thanks DOB.
August 21st, 2009 at 6:19 am
Damnit DOB, I’m so disappointed about the lack of a Matrix musical I’m about to go Wendigo on your ass!
August 21st, 2009 at 6:15 am
How about, putting video inside of a magazine?
http://whowhatwherewheny.wordpress.com/2009/08/20/video-in-a-magazine-im-listening/
August 21st, 2009 at 5:57 am
I was praying to God that the Hillary Duff tribute to Elliott Smith was not real. I mean, I like making fun of stupid pop-culture phenomena as much as the next cynic, but that would just be going too far. It wouldn’t even be entertaining in an ironic sort of way. And I wouldn’t even enjoy making fun of it because it’s way too easy. When I scrolled down and learned it was fake, it was like waking up from an awful nightmare being relieved to learn it was just a bad dream.
August 21st, 2009 at 5:48 am
I actually got 3 out of 3. The first one I just read through the titles and didn’t realize it was the principal from saved by the bell, I just assume it was some random elementary school principal, which seemed more plausible (yes I know this is somewhere between cheating and luck). I’ve heard about the stretch armstrong movie so theres number 2. The third one was fueled by my hopes and dreams.
I for one can’t wait to see steven segal’s martial arts be completely useless when he is easily outrun by a perp.
August 21st, 2009 at 5:44 am
I want to see Seagal arrest Van Damme for possession of cocaine.
August 21st, 2009 at 5:37 am
Great article! I didn’t get any of them right…the only one I absolutely didn’t believe was The Matrix as a musical, although I’ll bet that’s a total possibility.
August 21st, 2009 at 5:36 am
Damn. I really wanted to see The Matrix: The Musical!
August 21st, 2009 at 5:29 am
I got all but the last one right. I too am excited to see LAWMAN.
August 21st, 2009 at 5:23 am
Damn, I only got one out of three (the first one).
August 21st, 2009 at 5:14 am
Nice job on making the fakes just as unbelievable (without going over the top) as the real ones.
Although, I am telling myself that you are lying to me. None of these are real, and Battleship cannot be a fucking movie.
August 21st, 2009 at 5:06 am
These are nothing. Fox is currently developing a television series based on fan fiction from the internet. They will be taking submissions through their web site and allowing people to vote on possible future episodes. The pilot features Crispin Glover as himself in a Seussian setting where he battles ’shadow monsters’ with the help of a blind japanese schoolgirl math prodigy. It doesn’t make any sense to me, but I can’t wait to not watch it.
August 21st, 2009 at 5:02 am
Seriously, DOB.
You just took a couple astounding parts of pop culture and made up a few of your own. What the fuck? I was waiting for another drug/insanity-fueled action-adventure to shoot out of the screen and all over my face. Leave this pansy shit to Seanbaby, it’s below you.
August 21st, 2009 at 5:00 am
Funny enough, Shia LeBouf is rumored to star in a biopic about underground rapper Cage, who fueded with Eminem briefly before Em signed with Dre.
August 21st, 2009 at 4:58 am
Awesome DOB. You rock!
August 21st, 2009 at 4:53 am
Way to phone it in, DOB. Eat a dicksicle.
August 21st, 2009 at 4:45 am
Every single one of these seemed equally plausible and equally retarded. Amazing work, DOB.
August 21st, 2009 at 4:42 am
The Digg on this article is for “If Sarcasm Ruled the World.”
Also, great article, DOB.
August 21st, 2009 at 4:38 am
Yeah, the Steven Seagal show is gonna be well awesome. I don’t know why he wasn’t given a show until now.
August 21st, 2009 at 4:36 am
Oh man.
I loved how the last bit about Steven Seagal was a sentence of various titles of movies he was in.
Awesome.
August 21st, 2009 at 4:33 am
Jesus I really need to pay attention to what Im reading. At first I though that ALL of these were real. I was getting sooo sad.
August 21st, 2009 at 4:28 am
I have lost all faith in humanity. It seems that the least sensible thing in every category was the real one. My favourite Principal was the evil one who could hypnotise people in “The Demon Headmaster” (might have just been in England). I do not see how Stretch Armstrong can have a film made about him, as he has nothing going for him except the ability to stretch “Up To 4 Feet!!!” And as for that Lawman one, what will happen when there’s a night with no crimes, and people realise that it’s just Seagal sat in a car. God I’m depressed now, I think I’ll kill myself.
August 21st, 2009 at 4:23 am
I gave up after round one. It was just too hard.
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