Recently, Dustin “Give It Up, You’ll Always Be Screech To Us” Diamond has announced the release of a “tell-all” book about Saved By the Bell called Behind The Bell. This book was in lieu of participating in the much-desired Saved By the Bell reunion Jimmy Fallon has been trying to orchestrate. Upon reading excerpts from the book and responses from the rest of the cast, it has become pretty apparent that the book is in fact just the hyperbolic ramblings of someone who simply does not know what he’s talking about. This is most likely due to Dusty not being that close with the cast then or now, which would lead to him writing a bitter, spiteful book about what he thinks went on behind doors he wasn’t behind.
Not to be out done, Andrea Barber, the actress who played Kimmy Gibbler on Full House, is coming out with her own “tell-all” book, Foul House: Hugs, Drugs,and Scandal On The Set Of Full House. After an emotionally-scarring yet extremely forgettable night with Barber, I got my hands on a so-far-unreleased copy. I now share with you some selected excerpts:
************
My first day on set was pretty great, because I got to meet Candace Cameron. I was also introduced to the other girls, the tall guy, the funny voices uncle, the music uncle and the music uncle’s fake wife. We didn’t have a whole lot of interaction that day, but I had a feeling Candace and I would be fast friends. I think we were, but not in a lezzy sort of way, at least on her end.
Don’t mention that to Candace.
*************
The cast would always do this thing called “Game Night” and it was always during the weeks when I wasn’t in the episode. I can only imagine the kind of drugging, fucking and sucking that went on at those Game Nights. Why else would they not invite me? Candace knew me really well and she KNEW I abhorred drugging, fucking and sucking. I always appreciated how she would make sure they didn’t invite me to “Game Night.”
***************
And there was so much fucking! SO much fucking! That Aladdin guy would always have scenes with Candace (my friend), but I remember many occasions when the Aladdin guy would eat lunch with the middle blonde girl instead. They would always eat together and go to craft services and order a “Full House” (which was three steaks and two more steaks). Scandal? Definitely.
The voice of Aladdin, the dong of the genie from that Shaq movie.
I swear, sometimes I wouldn’t even see either of them for short and long periods of time. What else could that mean? There’s probably some kind of genie/bottle metaphor where the genie is the Aladdin guy’s junk and the bottle is the middle blonde girl’s junk and then you put them together and they were totally fucking on set, alright?! I’m telling you! Seriously. That dude and that chick were fucking. Now, this seems like as good a segue as any to get into the whole amateur porn thing, which I won’t get into, but you should know that the uncle that did the voices has always done and will always do amateur porn.
“Is that vagina made of… wood?”
*************
I don’t want to tattle or anything, but the tall guy spent way too much time hanging out with the dog character.
*************
During the first few months, I noticed that Candace and I hadn’t actually talked yet. She would have told me we’d hang some other time, but she was really busy, so she couldn’t tell me anything. She and the other girl and the music uncle went to the zoo instead of telling me why we hadn’t actually talked yet. I was surprised the tall guy didn’t go with them to the zoo, since he hung out with the dog character so often.
*************
Sometimes the funny voices uncle would show up high on meth and offer some to the newly pubertied middle blonde girl. He would call it “ice cream” or “let’s go over our lines,” but you could tell he was totally fucking her while they were on the meth they were on. One time I smelled smoke coming from under his dressing room door, and 10 minutes later the fire department came and put out a fire caused by the misuse of a hot plate. The funny voices uncle almost died. Serves him right for smoking meth near a hot plate or whatever. I suppose that’s the life you sign up for when you have always done and will always do amateur porn, though.
“Admittedly, I photoshopped this. She wasn’t wearing those jeans.”
**********
One time Candace was talking to the tall guy, and she didn’t frown at me as I walked past. Whether or not she noticed me is inconsequential. She did not frown at me, that’s the important thing. I think that was actually the same day the tall guy started calling me “Cummy Gobbler” but I didn’t mind because I felt it was a great improvement on “Gummy Dribbler,” which made light of my abnormally viscous spit and how it leaks out of my mouth on occasion. The Cummy Gobbbler thing caught on pretty quick. Not with Candace, though. She just called me “Cum,” because we were so tight. Also, I think the tall guy sold drugs or did drugs or mentioned drugs or something.
*************
Several months into the first season, the music uncle suggested I “take off my pants” and “prove I’m a girl.” I wanted to seem like a team player, so I obliged. He seemed surprised, and said it was just a “figure of speech.” Next, I experienced a good 20 minutes of my relatively new coworkers pointing and laughing at my oddly-colored and uncommonly-shaped genitals. It would have been over much quicker, but pulling women’s pants over my misshapen privates can be a tall order, even when I’m not weeping hysterically.
**************
You know those two little troll babies? I bet you didn’t know they were actually just one person. I swear to God, they are. The tall guy told me! He also told me that the other two babies the music uncle and the music uncle’s fake wife had on the show were the troll baby’s babies in real life. Scandal times two! Then the tall guy gave me a noogie with his ball sac and told me to go “cunt off to Hell.” This, of course, spawned an entire lost episode of the show that’s just like the normal show only someone would every once in a while tell my character to go cunt off to Hell. They went with a flashback episode instead.
***************
They superimposed me into the Disney World episode. I did not get to go to Disney World.
***************
There were signs the funny voices uncle was losing his mind throughout most of the series. He would walk around the set doing his Bullwinkle impression for no one. Once, I went up to him and asked if he could do a different voice for a bit and he asked, “What voice?” I said, “Popeye” just as the tall guy tackled me from behind. “Go cunt off to Hell,” said the funny voices uncle in his Popeye voice. I would have thanked him for doing what I asked, but the tall guy sat on me until I passed out and by the time I woke up it was time for my scene.
“Go cunt off to Hell, Kimmy.”
******************
I was on set during the filming of one of the Beach Guy Singers episodes (it doesn’t matter which one). The weirdest of the Beach Guy Singers sat at the piano and made up a song about me called “Uncommonly-Shaped and Oddly-Colored Genitals.” I cried because it was so beautiful and also because it made fun of my horrible genitalia problem. Attention all eligible bachelors: I have since gotten half of my genitalia problem fixed, so start lining up. I won’t tell you which half, because guessing is part of the fun! The other part, of course, is pointing and laughing at my currently normal-colored and oddly-shaped genitalia.
****************
Seriously, Candace was awesome. We were going to have lunch the other day but her phone was off or not working or she changed her number. I can tell she misses me, though.
“This was the last time we ever touched.”
***************
During a different Beach Guy Singers episode, the music uncle got on drums and they played “Little Old Lady From Pasadena” except the tall guy sang and changed the lyrics to “Little Gross Lady With Bird-Like Features.” I’m pretty sure he did it because he was on drugs at the time or selling drugs or mentioning drugs or something. Candace would know. I’ll ask her when we have lunch.
*************
The music uncle’s fake wife punched me once, right in the tit. The tall guy laughed so hard he crapped. Seriously. He laughed really hard, reached into his pants, pulled out a turd and threw it at me. I, of course, was screaming from the pain at the time so, yes, America, I accidentally swallowed a turd. Happy?
It was around that time everyone started calling me “Cummy Gobbler: Turd Swallower.” Except Candace, of course. She just called me “Cum Turd.”
**************
It wasn’t all eating turds, though. Once, I got to make out with that Yankee Doodle Boy actor. I had a crush on him for years and it didn’t ruin it at all when he made me call him “Kimmy.” I thought it was cute.
He called me “Comet.”
****************
The funny voices uncle had pretty much lost it towards the end of the series. He would start to carry around Mr. Woodchuck (who was a pretty well-renowned pornstar by that point) and make me touch all the stains. Seriously, that puppet was covered in stains, and the funny voices uncle would just shove it in my face and make me kiss it. “Cummy Gobbler: Turd Swallower is Frenching a puppet!” everyone would shout, and then go have “Game Night.”
**************
During the filming of the last episode, I was glad the madness was coming to a close. I had built up a following and a future for my career with Full House, but at what cost? Being left out of what I’m sure was a fun time? Being just on the periphery of what I assume was a lot of drugging, fucking and sucking? Absolutely. I wouldn’t change a minute of it, especially the few minutes I shared with Candace, who I hope reads this and maybe gives me a call sometime. We have a lot of catching up to do. For one, I’d like to hear what Disney World is like.
*************
Look… just… please buy my sex tape, OK? I need cash. If you bought this book, you might like my sex tape. It stars me, a goose and I’d like to say the kid who played Urkel, but, no.
It’s just me and the goose.
**************
Every copy of Foul House also comes with a free audio CD. It contains a wide variety of material, like the banned-from-the-radio “Go Cunt Off To Hell (She Swallowed A Turd)” by DJ DJ Tanner featuring Uncle Stavros (Sample Lyrics: I’m a ripper, I’m Greek, I’m from the ER metropolis, and I’m fucking Mystique because I’m Jesse Katsopolis).
Here is a selected track for your supposed enjoyment. According to Andrea Barber, it is “from when the funny voices uncle had one of his fits and recorded a full length album of Mr. Woodchuck singing songs that were written by the music uncle.” The idea sounds horrible and the song also sounds horrible. They also got some literally retarded person to turn it into a video so you’d have pretty moving pictures to look at while you listen.
Mr. Woodchuck sings Michelle’s Smiling
This entry was posted on Saturday, October 17th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Music, Uncategorized, Video Games. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 21st, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Lilian@ Shit-pickle instead? find us at http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=shit+pickle
你是狗屎咸菜。
November 21st, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Lilian@ Japanese is lucky.
フルハウス全然メイドです！最低の！ジェフフランクリンたわごとピクルスです！
November 21st, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Lilian@ Dutch is clever, but not?
Full House is nog steeds vervelend en slecht. En ik haat de Olsens. Het schroeven.
November 21st, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Here:
F
U
L
L
H
O
U
S
E
I
S
E
V
I
L <- If were as the Anti-Full House Fan, copy and pase in your profile
J
E
F
F
F
R
A
N
K
L
I
N
S
U
C
K
E
G
G
S <- Jeff Franklin is sucking for eggs, copy and paste in your profile
P.S: My papa got a new laptop and my modem is replaced. My fav is Destroy Bulid Destroy. ^_^
November 21st, 2009 at 2:58 pm
IT SUCKS FULL HOUSE, Don Van “Atta” <— Atta is the FUCKING Japanese surname.
SCREW
The Olsens
Vanessa Hudgens
Hannah Montana
Zack Efron
Jonas Brothers
AH YES!! SCREW THE 5, I love new cartoons and anime :3
FULL HOUSE IS THE WROST!!!! ASSHOLE 1987′S SHOW!!! SCREW JEFF FRANKLIN, YOU ASSHOLE!!!
FULL HOUSE IS MADE WITH BALLS,ASSHOLES AND ANNOYING VOICES. FUCK FULL HOUSE AND CANCEL ON NICKELODEON!!
I love cartoons from Nickelodeon.
So, my english is bad, i’m a french!
November 21st, 2009 at 2:45 pm
SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH FULL HOUSE!
October 28th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
this was so funny!
October 27th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
C’mon! Uncle Jesse wasn’t married to Becki yet when Kimmy Gibler was first on the set. der
October 25th, 2009 at 7:02 am
Don’t sweat the haters. Keep up the awesome!
October 24th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
I love you Cody.
October 24th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
Ugh, you will never be buscholz, or dob or swaim sorry cody but get some funny original style or at least fail less.
October 22nd, 2009 at 10:59 pm
‘Cummy Gobbler’ haha!
October 22nd, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Dude. Effin hilarious. I loved it. Keep it up. You just keep getting better.
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Can’t get over the negative comments.
I was howling with laughter… howling… throughout the whole thing…
October 21st, 2009 at 7:41 pm
wow, here i am enjoying the hell out of this site, and then i come to this. this was just really fucking stupid. i really hope someone was stoned or plastered when they thought this was a good idea.
October 21st, 2009 at 4:00 pm
@Tabetha
You know, I tried that, and all that happened was I caught fire and heard someone laughing.
So maybe your god isn’t such a nice dude, dude.
October 21st, 2009 at 11:08 am
2001 words here, and “Cunt off to hell” are the only ones even remotely not devoid of humor.
Ed:
You’re just fucking with us, at this point. Cody has not been funny since the second Game Helpin’ Squad. I’m from the internet, and my opinion is not subject to…opinion. This is science, damnit, and you’re laughing in it’s face.
October 20th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
truly amazed at the negative feedback. laughed the whole way through. one of my favorites
October 20th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
I found this boring and not funny. However I’ve been looking back at Cody’s previous stuff and it’s just sad. I know he can do some pretty funny stuff. Not like this piece of shit.
October 20th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
@dushanbe4: Seanbaby and this guy are in 2 totally different categories.
October 20th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Cody seems to have a habit of dragging things on way too long. He takes a simple one-liner (which usually isn’t that funny to begin with) and attempts to stretch the motherfucker out to John Holmes proportions. What makes you think anyone wants a “Behind the Music” version of Full fucking House?
The worst part is if VH1 ever did make that a reality, it would probably be 50 times as funny as Cody’s version.
October 20th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
“Cunt off to hell”. good stuff, good stuff. I remember when Seanbaby became a regular, everybody was hating on him too. Just keep writing, man, ‘I’ believe in you.
October 20th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Plus a lot of comments on here are being edited out. So censorship on top of a shitty author… cunt stand the heat Cody? Fuck you Nazi, book-burner, fucker!
October 20th, 2009 at 9:37 am
wow that sucked
October 20th, 2009 at 7:32 am
The woodchuck vid at the tend totally makes this video.
October 20th, 2009 at 2:54 am
While reading this, my reaction would be more of a “hm, interesting”, then to actually laugh.
October 20th, 2009 at 12:47 am
I liked it! Keep it up.
October 19th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
I read two thirds of this and just got too damned bored. Next time you’re gonna write an article, try to come up with a lot of jokes instead of just telling one joke a lot of times.
October 19th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
If you need help with drugs please ask God for healing just say out loud now Jesus I believe and I accept you in my heart please heal me and free my mind and turn me into your helper.
I know this will help you.
Tabetha
October 19th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
[...] Full House had SERIOUS issues. (Cracked.com) [...]
October 19th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
I’ve made shits come out of my ass more aesthetically pleasing than 99% of the garbage that you write…
October 19th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Did Cody Johnston win a competition or something? This article is like the sort of thing another Cracked contributor would write, but which would never ever get published on the site. I think Cody Johnston has been given this sort-of-columnist job to keep him quiet about all the Islamic fundamentalism and baby rape that secretly happens in the Cracked offices.
October 19th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
>.< Cody, your jokes are shitty and your context is outdated even by Cracked’s standerds. I can’t believe that any self respecting editor actually read this and thought it was publishable.
October 19th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
I couldn’t handle that fucking video.
October 19th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
My friends recommended me a very interesting place __ AgelessFriends.com __ It’s a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.
October 19th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
…
October 19th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
[...] House: Hugs, Drugs and Scandal Tell-All October 19, 2009 - 4:26 pm By COED Staff • Full House: Hugs, Drugs and [...]
October 19th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Foul House: Hugs, Drugs And Scandal On The Set Of Full House | Cracked.com…
Recently, Dustin “Give It Up, You’ll Always Be Screech To Us” Diamond has announced the release of a “tell-all” book about Saved By the Bell called Behind The Bell. This book was in lieu of participating in the much-desired Saved By the Bell …
October 19th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
This is clearly just a thinly veiled metaphor for Cody, he has deformed genitals, made a sex tape with a goose, nobody at cracked talks to him, and he swallowed a turd. Also he did not go to disney world.
October 19th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Please don’t tell me that some editor actually read this drivel, and then posted it as “comedy.”
October 19th, 2009 at 11:45 am
So here’s my theory: The editors at Cracked, like most good god-fearing Americans, enjoy their cocain. But when a recent “solid connect” fell through, they had to resort to an alternate means by which to secure nose candy. Namely, some trusted friend’s younger brother who so desperately wanted to be a subpar comedy writer that he was willing to trade an eightball of Columbian snow for every article he got printed. And that little brother’s name was Cody.
October 19th, 2009 at 11:29 am
seriously done reading anything by cody, this shit waS HORRENDOUS
October 19th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Wow I said it during the last cody article and I’ll say it again. Everyone putting down cody’s comedy by trying to crack jokes in their comments; your jokes are fucking lame. Until someone comes up with a side splitting comment, you can’t judge someone elses writing.
October 19th, 2009 at 11:11 am
Good job man, I finally laughed at one of your articles!
October 19th, 2009 at 10:27 am
Alright Cody, up until this point i really thought everyone’s endless bitching on the horridness of your articles was fairly unfounded, but to put it simply “this shit was fucking retarded.” I mean honestly Entourage did a better job of making Bob Saget into a badass than your lame ass excuse for an attempt did. All i’m saying is that if you get outdone by a show of that pathetic caliber you should probably rethink what the fuck you think your doing writing comedy if you want to be conservative about it and not just jump right ahead to fucking killing yourself.
October 19th, 2009 at 8:51 am
‘I’m still hoping that somehow Cody is just some April fools joke that has went on too long.
He’s like that drunk guy at a bar that always stands too close to you and shouts lame jokes in your ear just a little too loud while being the only one laughing at them.’ —- that was actually your Father, buying the drinks, stroking your cock, hoping to get some drunk, incest action from you in the men’s bathroom after you passed out leaned into the toilet whilst he uses your vomit for butt lube.
See you on Dr. Phil soon dad-fucking boy.
October 19th, 2009 at 8:48 am
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
October 19th, 2009 at 8:41 am
I remain intrigued by this writer. Not bowled over, but definitely intrigued.
October 19th, 2009 at 8:37 am
Fuck. That article was great!
October 19th, 2009 at 8:13 am
This site disgust you?
Now you know how we feel when your fat, ugly, slutty, whoring bitch of a mother pays us to fuck her. Just know you slid from that birth canal should be reason enough for you to want to Lohan your own wrists!
http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=25&sku=E-CD00265
pizzacat = LOSER!
October 19th, 2009 at 8:06 am
Ok, this article was the first of yours that actually made me laugh. well done, sir.
October 19th, 2009 at 7:39 am
Interesting shirt on the cover, wonder which vault she crawled out of. Also, it both saddens and amuses me greatly that I spent the first few paragraphs thinking this was actual excerpts from a book she’d written
October 19th, 2009 at 7:35 am
Fuck the haters cody. I’ve been following your stuff and you are one funny guy. I will now add “cunt off to hell” to my daily vocabulary.
October 19th, 2009 at 6:57 am
Admittedly, this is the first Cody article I’ve read, so maybe I just don’t get it, or I don’t quite get his humor, but I have the feeling he’s going for an Andy Kauffmann thing, trying to have it where no one knows if he’s serious or not. But bottom line… not too fucking funny. Not everyone can be DOB, but this was worse than sitting through 2 minutes of stand up from Paul Reiser.
October 19th, 2009 at 6:42 am
i see the pizzacat debates is becoming a regular thing now
October 19th, 2009 at 5:33 am
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October 19th, 2009 at 5:03 am
fuck full house
October 19th, 2009 at 4:57 am
I pondered the Beard Theory, but ended up rejecting it for something a tad more reasonable yet entirely mutually exclusive from what you have suggested.
I have personally come to the conclusion that the Cracked Editors are really just a bunch of shape-shifting reptilians that feed off of human emotions. They use Orbital Mind Control Lasers to manipulate individual reader perceptions as to whether an article is funny or not, leading to the sort of infighting we see here. They draw power from this negativity, power they can use to open a giant space portal so they can summon their massive starship armada and enslave this planet once and for all.
It makes perfect sense when you think about it.
October 19th, 2009 at 3:46 am
Everyone’s got all these theories on Cody, but what surprises me is that it’s been weeks and still no one realizes that Cody is actually Ross Wolinsky. I mean, c’mon people, note the beard? What are the odds of two people having a beard who write for the internet? In 2009?
October 19th, 2009 at 12:05 am
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October 18th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
My Bob Saget topic page:
http://www.cracked.com/funny-1829-bob-saget/
You know…for proof that NOTHING about Full House is funny, ever.
October 18th, 2009 at 11:24 pm
@pizzacat
Says the pizza cat, abomination of nature.
October 18th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
drugs are the devils way this site disgusts me
October 18th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
Wow, this article was stunningly identical to Bob Saget in his last Comedy Special….devoid of comedy. Any fucking idiot can take a random subject ad make up a whole fake joke around it…maybe if this contained some facts since this is a PARODY website and all it would be relevant but it’s long winded and boring with no real hook. I see alot of this on cracked w these writers col….they just use it to go off on tangents about something they decide is “retro-edgy funny” or whatever the fuck. Ugh, hated this article
October 18th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
[...] Excerpts from Foul House: The Kimmy Gibbler story [...]
October 18th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
Good premise cody, but it ran too long and you spread it a little too thin. The video was a nice addition
October 18th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Jesus Christ, I caught every reference that was in that thing. I forgot how much of a loser I used to be/am.
And, that Mr. Woodchuck crack made me “PAH HA” out loud in a coffeehouse. Thanks for that. Very cathartic.
October 18th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
I thought it was funny.
Mostly because I can completely see Bob Saget telling someone to “cunt off to Hell”
October 18th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
I enjoy Cody by starting with the assumption that he’s just too ironic to understand. For example, in this article, he takes the easiest and weakest jokes (”game nights,” no one likes Andrea, Andrea lusts for Candace, etc.) and repeating them more often than even a funny and original joke would merit, while subtly mangling them each time, until they lose all meaning by the end. What if he did that on purpose, as a parody of an idiot perfectly designed to enrage commenters?
October 18th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
I won’t lie, I think your articles are great. Don’t know what all these people are bitching about. Was that an actual song by goofy voice uncle, or did you write the song and make the vid yourself for the article? If it’s the latter, then you deserve major kudos. That’s fucking dedication. lol.
October 18th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
this was just boring; i didn’t even finish it. i agree with whoever said that you have a thing for taking a topic and stretching it really, really thin, and this is exactly what happened here. all the crammed-in drug and sex jokes/references just went to show how you were pushing waaay, waaay too hard for laughs. you were reminding me of this guy here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65ea873fF2Y
@Tromeo Que: haha, i agree.
October 18th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
Eh, it was good enough. Certainly better than his last article. I laughed once or twice.
October 18th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
@stop_writing_articles
stop_writing_comments, fag
October 18th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
this is for all the other commenters
im sorry, your comments are just not cutting it. i stop reading halfway through a lot of these comments. this is cracked.com. the big leagues. step up your commenting or get the fuck off the website.
October 18th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
still nothing cody, please stop trying…
October 18th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
What, no jokes about going down on Uncle Joey in a theater?
October 18th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
Archibald Heffenveissen, no one gives a fuck. Seriously.
Just needed to tell you that.
October 18th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
YES Legionofone!! Finally someone with some fucking common sense!
October 18th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
this is a comment regarding the comment by stop_writing_articles.
i found your comment to be dull and boring. it went on way too long and had too many words in it.
i think your problem is that you dont spend enough time on your comments. maybe if you only put out one or two comments a week like other commenters do, instead of 5 or 6, you would start getting some quality commenting.
October 18th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
The only reason this is funny to me is because I go to college with David Coulier’s son.
October 18th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
this article is the cracked equivalent of a dick joke.
but… i am not at a comedy club, there are no drunken idiots in the audience, and my table is completely devoid of mozarella stixx.
October 18th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
The meth part is true however.
October 18th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
I might of liked it if it was anywhere near believable, just spewing blatant lies about a TV show is unentertaining! I cant say i have read much of this guys other stuff, probably because i started to read and left before i noticed his name. These mile long editorials are annoying IMO. I loved cracked for hilarious list style countdowns with funny pictures and light reading, now i have to read 10 pages and they aren’t even entertaining. Just my thoughts to make the site funnier.
October 18th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
Here’s how I know that I watched that damn show way too much when I was kid, I actually knew who the Yankee Doodle Boy was without having to click on the link. Damn show. The article itself was funny if a little bit too crude. Good concept. I always felt the character of Kimmy Gibler was ripe with humor…real humor not Miller-Boyett humor. Just wish I hadn’t seen those pictures of middle blonde girl. Those were just sad.
October 18th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
I guess it should be a top ten list of “What the Full House cast members would do during a Zombie attack”, then everyone would love it.
October 18th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
This was completely awful. Kind of like everything else Cody has written. Come on Cracked, get it together. Jesus.
October 18th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
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October 18th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Was an entertaining and mean spirited read.
October 18th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Wow, cracked really needs to re-think that whole desperate talent search they did a few months back. It’s been getting real hit or miss lately.
Obviously this one was a big, steaming miss.
C’mon cracked, you’re paying this dude money to poop on your website’s reputation.
October 18th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
That was just plain not funny. I like some of Codys articles, but most of them are just bland and not funny, and this is it.
October 18th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
I own this book it is a good read
October 18th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Cody, you have a nack for taking a funny premise and stretching it thin until it snaps. I think the problem is that you spend too little time on your articles. Instead of uploading 3 or 4 crappy articles a week, stick to one or two a week like the other columnists, and maybe we’ll finally see some quality.
October 18th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
What is wrong with you naysayers? I find Cody funny.
October 18th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
@whitepeople
good point player.. however, in this comments sections, as well as many of cody’s other articles, u have a good deal of people praising his work and/or calling evry1 else dumbasses.. so he’s got a good support group if u will..
so as long as people continue 2 like his shit, & they inspire this kind of rampant confrontation in the comments (btw that usually means traffic).. then no way they delete his shit..
not saying ur point was bad, jus offering the rebuttal.. c’mon u can admit i have a point here
October 18th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Holy shit that was awesome. I always suspected dirty sexy shenanigans were happening behind the scenes.
October 18th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
well, it wasnt good, but it wasnt terrible either, there is improvement.
October 18th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
I like him. Don’t give him the axe.
October 18th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
@Famsquad:
Were you hear for white ninja? If so, enough said. If not, it was basically a retarded comic strip that used to be syndicated here, until SO many people verbalized their hatred for it in the comment section that cracked “gave it the axe”.
Didn’t mean to ruin your argument…i believe you left off at “fucking ‘tards”.
October 18th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
WHO ARE YOU CODY!?
October 18th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
umm.. u all realize the more u comment (regardless of how damning ur comments may be).. the more it proves that Cody’s articles are generating a response.. thus no chance in hell Cracked gives him the axe
so if u all wanna actually get Cody off the site (as opposed to showcasing how unfunny u r with a dumb anecdote about ur short attention span or a rather bland mocking of Cody) then u wood stop commenting
fucking ‘tards
p.s. tight article bro
October 18th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Cody, I’ve been a Cracked reader since the pre-Jay Pinkerton days and I can honestly tell you you’re fucking hilarious. Don’t listen to all these naysayers. Most of them couldn’t tell humor if it jumped up and bit them on the labia and the rest are College Humor fans.
October 18th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Not very good(like most of codys work). He was funny when he made those videos, and his occasional real article(like the epic movie one). But he did add a new catchphrase to my vocabulary. Go Cunt Off To Hell, Cody.
October 18th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
This was pretty good, better than alot of what Cody has written. Good work
October 18th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
This was really funny once I realized that Ashton Kutcher had just gotten a lot more creative with his Punk’ds…
October 18th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Cummy Gobbler was pretty good.
People who say this is a waste if their time are lying. If you are visiting Cracked.com, your time is worth nothing.
October 18th, 2009 at 11:59 am
Keep up the good work Cody.
October 18th, 2009 at 11:48 am
I think I have to agree. This was a pretty weak article. Perhaps it was the format. If they had presented it in the Cracked tried and true “Top 5 dirty things that happened behind the scenes on Full House” I probably would’ve enjoyed it more. Most likely being that I have the attention span of toddler who just ate a pound of sugar (in fact I can barely finish this comment). Of course they could’ve just thrown in a pic of Kimmy Cum Gobbler consuming her daily veg and I would’ve dug it more http://bit.ly/1UDby7 .
October 18th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Yeah, this was such a waste of my time to read.
I was really looking forward to something funny and/or insightful. This was obviously so far from either word, Cody’s name may have to go in the dictionary as the antonym for both funny and insightful.
Does Cracked actually review and approve these articles for publishing or do they just pass them through without care?
October 18th, 2009 at 11:19 am
@J Dizzle:
I liked Seanbaby just fine when he was on EGM, I actually used to just skip some parts of the mag to read his articles, but I dont know why everything he has written here just doesnt grab me at all. I honestly stop reading every single of his articles halfway, if I can make it that far, and have only briefly smiled a couple times. I think they may be too long for something I just read when i get home at night, when I only want quick stupid things to laugh at, or just not my kind of humour.
October 18th, 2009 at 11:09 am
When is Cracked going to ditch this clown (I don’t mean clown in the sense of “a funny person” btw)? When you get called up to the big leagues you have to deliver or get busted back down to whatever hole they found you in. So far Cody has hit foul ball after foul ball and nothing else. Time to send him back to whatever lame blogging site he came from and hire a guy who’s actually funny.
October 18th, 2009 at 11:08 am
Another swing and miss of an article. Still not showing me your any good Cody. It started off good, but died a slow boring death. Seriously, do you really have ANY decent material?
@ Moncho and BigBob:
there is no fucking way this is better than Seanbaby. HE is fuckng hilarious. There is probably only one article that I can recall Of his where I was not pissing my pants laughing.
It pains me how so few people appreciate good comedy while the masses dig this sub-par crap.
I don’t ever think I’ve appreciated and missed Ross Wolinsky more that I have now.
October 18th, 2009 at 11:07 am
You’ve definitely improved!
October 18th, 2009 at 10:47 am
go cunt off to hell was pretty funny
October 18th, 2009 at 10:37 am
Great article, Cody! It just kept getting funnier the further I got into it. Also, this was alot closer to what is usually seen on Cracked, and people are still bitching.
So, it’s now reasonably safe to assume that 90% of those who bitch haven’t even read the article, they just comment on whatever you post, just to bash you because your style of humor doesn’t match theirs.
October 18th, 2009 at 10:22 am
I liked it, Cody.
Ignore the other douchers.
October 18th, 2009 at 10:07 am
This was pretty clever though at times a bit repetative, it had a good tone and kept me reading. I like the different style here. good job Cody. Keep it up
October 18th, 2009 at 10:03 am
I am with BigBob, he is better than Seanbaby, At least I have been able to read all of Cody’s articles fully. Seanbaby bores the fuck out of me after like the 8th paragraph/Slide/frame and thats just because I am trying to give him a chance.
And Really? Am I the only one that wants to fuck Jodie Sweeting? Sure she looks more used up than a kitchen mop with a whole hotdog down the hallway thing going on but come on!
October 18th, 2009 at 10:01 am
This sucks.
October 18th, 2009 at 9:59 am
I feel like I would’ve enjoyed it if I had ever watched Full House, but there were still a few parts I liked, like the hot plate part.
October 18th, 2009 at 9:48 am
What I find so funny about all this, change the name from “Cody” to any of the more popular writers (specifically DOB or Chris, or turn it into a video starring Swaim or Gladstone) and keep every word exactly the same, and all the nay-sayers will suddenly have nothing but good things to say about it. Is that hair gel? Yes? Then why is it hanging from your chin?
October 18th, 2009 at 9:42 am
Honestly, people. Cody may not be Brockway or DOB, but dammit he makes me chuckle pretty good. I think Cracked is noble for allowing new, different talent to be a part of their writing team. I don’t see any of you guys, with your obviously superior writing skills, getting offered to write for Cracked, so ease off and give the dude a break. He will come into his own, eventually.
P.S.- If you don’t like his writing, then why do you read every article of his that gets posted on Cracked’s homepage? Unless you secretly like his articles, but just don’t have the balls to call out the other Cody bashers.
October 18th, 2009 at 9:40 am
Hey, at least its better than Seanbaby.
October 18th, 2009 at 9:32 am
Well…. um… better.
October 18th, 2009 at 9:30 am
I read half of the article and thought “What is this trash? It’s not funny.” Scrolled up to see who wrote it and I guess that answered the question.
I’m a Pittsburgh Pirates fan so I’m used to losers losing a lot. We have a lot of minor league players at the major league level. While reading this, it felt like watching the Pirates lose. It’s the only thing they know how to do well. As this author, too.
October 18th, 2009 at 9:27 am
This is the best yet Cody.
…
Wait, you didn’t think I liked it, did you? Oh, I’m sorry. No, Cody, I didn’t like it. This is just the least shit article you’ve produced so far. The others were all much, much worse. This was still shit though. It was really bad.
Just to clarify once more, this was shit.
October 18th, 2009 at 9:11 am
not funny.
potential to be funny. but still. not funny.
you get an F
October 18th, 2009 at 9:07 am
Rosicky nailed it. The intro was funny, so I thought, “oh good, Cody’s comin’ around. This is going to be good.” But after the first couple entries, I just got bored and realized it wasn’t going anywhere. Maybe it’s a humor I’m not familiar with, but everything he’s written has been flat. And just a piece of advice, as you’re trying to capture a new audience, “imitating” a bad writer (this article, the jurassic park article) isn’t really a great way to show that you aren’t in fact a bad writer. Just sayin’.
October 18th, 2009 at 9:03 am
Go cunt off to hell, tony. You at least could have used their names.
October 18th, 2009 at 8:52 am
I’m still hoping that somehow Cody is just some April fools joke that has went on too long.
He’s like that drunk guy at a bar that always stands too close to you and shouts lame jokes in your ear just a little too loud while being the only one laughing at them.
October 18th, 2009 at 7:49 am
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October 18th, 2009 at 7:33 am
I feel like every paragraph was leading into a hilarious joke that was somehow not made. This piece has potential, but could have used more editing. A LOT more editing.
October 18th, 2009 at 7:15 am
Much, much better. I laughed.
October 18th, 2009 at 7:15 am
I’m all for giving Cody a chance and all, but I’m just not seeing it, either in this article or the others I’ve read. I couldn’t even bring myself to read the whole thing, I just got a bit bored by it after the first couple of entries.
I wish I could give more constructive criticism, but I can’t really tell what exactly is wrong… it just isn’t funny to me at all. Only regular columnist so far who hasn’t even come close to making me laugh. Sorry Cody, I can see the effort, but I’m just not laughing. Keep trying, hopefully you’ll get there!
October 18th, 2009 at 7:14 am
WHAA. I thought that one of the other writers wrote this article, then I checked after I read it. But no! It’s Cody!
Congratulations, Cody (dr. mister), you’re officially in my official book as one of the official cracked columnists.
p.s I don’t really have a book.
October 18th, 2009 at 6:50 am
I really liked this article. Funny as hell. Keep up the good work!
October 18th, 2009 at 6:36 am
@jacklust: The best comment I’ve ever read on that site. You are a credit to whatever race you are.
October 18th, 2009 at 6:34 am
People bitch about how everything Cody does is crap, because thus far, everything Cody has done, has been crap. I guess we’ve just become accustomed to a higher standard of comedy and writing ability from the staff Cracked already had on hand. I figured it out though - Cody takes two to three fat dumps a week, and flings each one chimpanzee-style at Cracked’s front page. We’ve just seen his second turd this week. Out of curiosity, were there any others before him who elicited this level of animosity from the readers?
October 18th, 2009 at 6:32 am
I didn’t find it interesting enough to read it all.
Fun fact: Jodie Sweetin (the actress who played Stephanie) grew up to be a meth addict while being married to a cop.
October 18th, 2009 at 6:11 am
I have grown so very bored with all the folks on here whose sole enjoyment of this site seems to be bitching about how everything Cody does is crap. Yet you’re all still reading it.
Anyway, Cody, I have been and remain a fan. This one was awesome.
October 18th, 2009 at 6:09 am
Oh hey, sweet, you did get front page. Good work.
October 18th, 2009 at 6:00 am
I read this entire article and feel terrible. This is supposed to be a humor website but for some reason this person called “Cody” gets content published here. The sort of articles any 13 year old who has seen full house or home alone might cram together. These jumbled masses words do nothing but to shame comedic potential.
It’s times like these human sacrifice for the unworthy should be embraced. In fact I cannot even truly describe my feelings without breaking some laws. After reading this atrocity the entire value of my life has been lessened.
The only explanation is that these articles are really a joke in themselves. That because they are so unfunny the cracked team has hilariously published them. In a sort of so bad it’s funny method. If you actually are serious, don’t listen to these people. No amount of practice or experience can save you. Just stop it! Stop degrading cracked.com. Thank you.
October 18th, 2009 at 5:31 am
Cody, are you making up accounts to publish comments to your own work?
October 18th, 2009 at 4:53 am
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October 18th, 2009 at 4:35 am
Dave Coulier deflowered Alanis Morissette on the set of “You Can’t Do That On Television” when she was 15.
October 18th, 2009 at 4:27 am
I sure hope this turns out to be true…
October 18th, 2009 at 4:19 am
I’d have to agree, this one was a definite improvement.
Good work Cody.
October 18th, 2009 at 4:13 am
I’m not trying to be one of those douches that’s knocking down everything Cody is writing just because he’s new, but this seems like it’s missing something, and also got fairly repetitive for me at points. I understood what he was trying to convey the first time he said it, and when he mentions the same thing 8 times it turns from “joke” to “I’m trying way too hard to make this angle funny.”
I will say I am looking forward to reading more from Cody in the future.
October 18th, 2009 at 1:33 am
The Olsen Twins were the perfect height during that show to fuck in the mouth every time one walked by.
Yummy!
October 18th, 2009 at 1:11 am
Fucking faggot!
October 18th, 2009 at 1:10 am
Thank you Cody for remembering us.
http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=10&sku=ENGL-CD00250
XOXO!
October 17th, 2009 at 11:02 pm
ha, i like this one. much better then your other articles, maybe its the length?
October 17th, 2009 at 10:21 pm
This was okay, but I like your other articles better. I feel like this could have been written by any other Cracked writer.
Hmm. For what it was, though, it’s not bad.
October 17th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Why does Cody keep using 90s pop-culture and references to make his articles?
He probably wrote this when he first obtained the internet in 1995 and decided to reuse it for Cracked…
I hope Cody gets sentenced to federal prison for something, just so that he’ll end up getting ass raped to death.
October 17th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
That was actually kinda funny. And man I wanna fuck Jodie Sweeting so bad, she looks like a freak in bed and has huge tits.
October 17th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Getting better. The irreverent-treatment-of-family-friendly-material has been done to death by DOB, though.
October 17th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Great article! I now pronounce Cody finally worthy of his initiation into the hallowed halls of Cracked. You may all resume the paddling.
October 17th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
This is a great article. I knew people would be shitting on it though. Thanks for the great article, Cody. I’ve enjoyed alot of your stuff so far, so try to ignore the stupid assholes that are way too involved with the site. I feel like ordering you a nice, cold beer (on Brockway, of course) for making me laugh.
October 17th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
@ tekdollarsign:
That was the lamest comment I ever read. Seriously. Ever. You sound like the kind of person that can make anything seem cooler just by disliking it. Please think for a while about what your doing with your life.
October 17th, 2009 at 11:15 am
Because of how unfunny this shit is, I have unsubscribed from the cracked blog.
Fuck you, Cody.
October 17th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Several things I forgot to add.
First, Kimmy really was an ugly little girl back in the day.
Second, I find it rather amusing that the funny voices guy character’s name was “Gladstone.” Hmm…
The actress that played middle kid in the series ended up addicted to coke and other crap by the time the show went off the air.
Just thought this article could use a few fun facts as a follow-up.
October 17th, 2009 at 10:14 am
This is definitely you’re funniest one yet; keep it up.
October 17th, 2009 at 10:14 am
Why does his garbage keep coming? Who the hell finds this shit funny?
October 17th, 2009 at 9:47 am
i was not amused
October 17th, 2009 at 8:57 am
Columnist/pedosexual Cody Johnston strikes out again. But the game he’s striking out in… not baseball! It’s comedy writing! Like his first column… that was like a pitch he was thrown… no, ok he… the opportunity was the pitch. Yeah, and the swing would be his column. And the bat would be..
Fuck it, I hate you!
Tip # 1 Cody…
When you write a comedy article, make sure to record an accompanying audio file of the text on the page. It just looks like a bunch of fucking squiggles to me.
Fuck off and die, etc.
.Dictaded but not read by
TekDollarSign
October 17th, 2009 at 8:30 am
Good job. I kind of hope they put this on the front page.
October 17th, 2009 at 7:51 am
This is probably your most Cracked-like offering yet.
Pretty damned funny, too (as always, IMO). Great job, Cody! You’re getting there.
October 17th, 2009 at 6:45 am
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October 17th, 2009 at 4:16 am
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