Cracked Columnists

China Pulls Ahead in Race to Conquer World... Records

It's no secret that the People's Republic of China and the United States have been in a bit of a pissing contest for global domination since the fall of Gorbachevland---both sides have their pros and cons, and history will show whether America, with its freedom of press, religion, and erotic "Battlestar Galactica" fan-fiction, will triumph over our competitors to the east, with their cheap labor, catchy songs like "Generations Remember the Great Kindness of Chairman Mao," and unquestioned dumpling superiority.

However, the Chinese recently fired a major shot across our national bow by staging the meeting shown above, captured by Yahoo News:

He Pingping (R), a 2' 5" man, adjusts his suit as he shakes hands with Bao Xishun (L), a 7' 9" herdsman listed by the Guinness World Records as the tallest living man, in Baotou, north China's Inner Mongolia Autonomous Region...

Aside from the fact that He Pingping's parents should be ashamed of themselves for giving their son such a racist and derogatory name, the meaning of this photo-op is clear: the Chinese are pulling ahead in the most important race of all: Guinness World Records. Add these tallest and shortest men to what I assume are their existing distinctions for Greatest Wall, Leadiest Toys, and Most Wangs, and it's no wonder the U.S. is being left in the dust, records-wise.

So readers, I ask you: what great potential records are within our nation's grasp? Do we have a shot at:

  • "World's Pastiest Jiggly Fat Kids"?
  • "Most Meandering Plot in a TV Show About Castaways"?
  • "Slowest Postal Employees"?
  • "Most Starbucks Locations per Square Inch (Currently 7.8)"?
  • "Celebrity Most in Need of Panties"? or
  • "President Most Suited to a Guest Appearance on Hee-Haw"?

Leave your suggestions in the comments. The status of America as World's Most Totally Kickass F*%#ing Nation depends on it.

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