The prosecutor addressed me, his back to a courtroom full of my peers, my friends, my family and Gladstone. The prosecutor spoke.
“Please state for the record your name.”
“Sure. D to the-”
“Into the microphone, please.” I leaned forward and tapped the small microphone a few times.
“Check. Check. Can you hear me in the back? One. Two.”
“Yes, that’s fine, now-”
“Three and to the four, Snoop D-O-B and Brockter Dre is at the door.”
“Just your name, please,” the prosecutor said.
“Ready to make an entrance, so back on up.”
“That’s plenty.” The prosecutor again. Brockway stood up from his seat at the
defense table.
“‘Cause you know we ’bout to rip shit up.”
“Order,” the judge shouted, banging his gavel. For real, judges still use gavels. It’ll always amaze me that, in 2009, where we have the Internet and indoor plumbing and spaceships, it’s still acceptable for a respected official to express his opinion by bashing a giant, wooden hammer over and over again. It’s not like I wave a giant sword around my head whenever I’m bored. I mean, I might now. I’m just saying if hammer-smashing is so socially acceptable, I should be able to swing a sword around or chuck some grenades when the mood strikes me.
“What do you have to say for yourself, Mr. O’Brien,” the prosecutor asked. I paused thoughtfully.
“Mr. Prosecutor, Dr. Judge, members of the jury: I’m just saying if hammer-smashing is so socially acceptable, I should be able to swing a sword around or chuck some grenades when the mood strikes me.” The courtroom was completely silent, except for Brockway who immediately chimed in with, “Seconded.”
“Mr. O’Brien,” the prosecutor began, “your time may be utterly worthless but, please keep in mind, the jury’s time is not. You and Mr. Brockway have a lot to answer for. So? Start talking.” I was at a loss. My entire strategy hinged on the fact that the prosecuting attorney would be a decent-to-attractive chick, so I could say, “More like proseCUTEST” as my opening and closing statements, with some very convincing push-ups thrown in between.
Since the prosecutor was, in fact, a man, my whole defense strategy was pretty much shot right to shit. I looked to Robert Brockway, the co-defendant in this case, and Michael Swaim, who was acting as our lawyer. They both looked very optimistic, so I got myself started.
“I guess I’ll begin with the truth,” I said.
“OBJECTION,” Swaim shouted. Brockway shook his head violently.
“No,” the judge said, “I’m… I’m going to allow the truth.”
“Thank you, your honor-I-barely-know-her. So, it’s like this. We’ve got this United States president elected, right? Tall guy. Hampton something-or-other. ”
“Barack Obama,” the prosecutor offered. I looked to Swaim and Brockway, who both shook their heads, agreeing with me that the prosecutor’s clearly made-up name was some kind of trap.
“No, I think you’re wrong about that. I’m pretty sure it’s Hampton something. Anyway, he’s elected president, and you know what that means.”
“Why don’t you elaborate, Mr. O’Brien.”
“If, as you so kindly pointed out, Mr. Prosecutor, the jury’s time is so important, I think I’d rather not waste it by saying what everyone’s thinking. We all know what an Obama presidency means. The first year is almost up, so… you know.” I lowered my head and raised my eyebrows, as if to say ‘So… you know.‘ The prosecutor was not impressed.
“So, Obama is president. Is that why you and Mr. Robert Brockway stockpiled 800 firearms and 65,000 rounds of ammunition in the Cracked headquarters?”
“Well… well, yeah,” I said. “But it’s not like I’m the only one. According to that article that I somehow linked to in this spoken conversation, sales of guns and bullets have gone up considerably ever since Obama took office. Americans purchased two billion more rounds of ammunition than we normally do and, currently, gun sellers can’t even produce enough ammo to meet the demand. We the people are literally buying bullets faster than bullets can be made.”
“Yes, I understand that,” the prosecutor said. “I clicked that link, same as everyone in this courtroom. I’m still a little confused.”
“How can you be? Look, Prosecutor Face, the times are changing. This new world requires fast moves and bold actions. And sometimes that involves buying all the bullets.”
“And what,” the prosecutor began, spinning on his heels and pointing at me, “are you going to do with these bullets?” He smiled, shark-like. Like a shark prosecutor who just cornered some other fish in Ocean Court, and like the shark was real proud of itself, because it was a lawyer. This seemed like a big moment for him, but, honestly, I hadn’t really thought of what I planned on doing with the bullets. I hope his case wasn’t built on me having an answer. I looked to Brockway, and it appeared that he too was considering this for the first time. After some thought, he shook his head. I looked to Swaim, who was taking this opportunity of introspective thoughtfulness to rob Brockway.
“I guess nothing, really,” I said, finally. The prosecutor froze, like an ice shark.
“What? You don’t have any plan?”
“Narp. But, you know, it’s good to be prepared. With a buncha bullets, that is. I mean, you see where the world is going. It’s a world that requires me to have bullets. Socialism. Health Care. Social Care. Gay-Sex-Marriage-But-Not-The-Good-Kind. The Economy. Uh… Hy… Hybrid cars, is that one of the things we’re mad at?” I looked to Swaim, who shook his head while holding up a hastily made sign that read ‘Immigrants.’ “Oh, right, that’s it. Hybrid Immigrants, we’re pissed at that, too. So, you know, we bought all those bullets.” My stance on immigrants that run on peanut oil is well-documented, so I didn’t think I needed to elaborate.
“You have no idea why you’re buying bullets, do you?”
“All the bullets,” I corrected.
“Objection,” Swaim yelled. “What if my client is buying bullets in anticipation of laws that would take away guns and bullets from America? If, for example, we were suddenly forbidden from buying bullets because of Soc… Socialist Health Gay Care,” he said with a wink, “then we’d be utterly defenseless against outside forces.”
“Overruled,” I said. “There haven’t been any bills or laws restricting gun ownership. In fact, the opposite is true. We’re legally permitted to carry guns in more places today than we have been in years. Nice try, asshole.” Swaim slammed his fist on the table. Brockway took some vicodin.
“So, as I understand it,” the prosecutor said, “no one is trying to take your guns or bullets away. You have no intention of using them any time soon, but you’re still buying them by the caseload and stockpiling them in your office. In fact, you’re wearing three bandoliers of bullets right now, at this second, while you’re on the witness stand.”
“Uh huh.”
“And you still maintain this has something to do with Obama?”
“More like Nobama,” I said, slyly.
“OBUMa,” Brockway added.
“OBOMBa,” Swaim said.
“Obam…GAY,” I concluded. Swaim and Brockway nodded their approval.
“Look,” I said, “I’m just a regular guy. I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like you, and I hate doing it, just like you. I don’t want the government to have my money. I don’t want death panels to murder my grandparents until they start smelling bad. I want to be able to say what I want, when I want to. I want to be able to make all the money in all the world, forever, all the time. And if I feel like any of these freedoms are even vaguely threatened, I want to, you know, buy a shitload of bullets.”
“But why?” the prosecutor whined. “What are you going to do with them? It’s just so confusing, Mr. O’Brien. You worry that taxes will raise the price of ammunition, but in obsessively buying it every time you get a paycheck, you, along with other people in similar mindsets, are effectively forcing the price up on your own, because you’re manufacturing a higher demand. And you understand that, when someone writes an article about kidnapping the president’s daughters and then starts hoarding thousands of rounds of ammunition, it’s enough to give us pause, right? Look! Look at you, you’re buying bullets off of co-defendant Robert Brockway, right now!”
“Can you blame me? Look, your screaming is just scaring the shit out of me, and this is what I do when I’m scared.”
“Ditto,” said Brockway, as he repurchased the bullets he’d just sold to me (at a substantial price increase).
Here, the judge interjected. “I’m starting to wonder why I called this trial in the first place, and further agreed to suspend the laws that typically govern court rooms in this country.”
The prosecutor started: “Your honor, this is not an isolated incident. There are people across America just like Mr. O’Brien…,” he paused here, probably because he was impressed with how many bullets I can fit in my mouth (so many),”…almost exactly like Mr. O’Brien. It’s not just this court room, it’s the nation, your honor!”
“Get to the point councilor!” the judge bellowed, his hammer poised.
“It’s just,” the prosecutor said, faltering. “It’s just all so retarded.“
This entry was posted on Friday, September 25th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Music, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
So You're Locked In a Room With Your Clone: Fight or F#@k?
Genius or Insane? 8 Rejected Cracked Photoshop Entries
Disney to Reboot Mickey Mouse, Internet to Make Fun of Them
My Brief Time as Encyclopedia Brown's Partner
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
November 19th, 2009 at 9:05 am
Hah, nice closing line DOB.
November 19th, 2009 at 9:00 am
“65,000 rounds for 800 firearms is not a lot at all”
EIGHT HUNDRED guns, dude. EIGHT HUNDRED. I wouldn’t be surprised if some LA hookers pack 65,000 condoms but i’ll be damned if they have 800 clients on a nightly basis.
November 18th, 2009 at 8:11 am
“The REASON it’s a good idea to buy bullets, it that when the right to bear arms is taken away, we’ll be able to protect ourselves from criminals who don’t give a shit whether or not owning a gun is illegal.”
Which is totally a major problem for every other country where you’re not allowed to have guns at all, right?
Moron.
November 18th, 2009 at 1:00 am
Reading all the comments by gun owners makes me sad for Americans. You guys all think you are soooo badass because you own a boom stick. Well I hate to tell you, but if America ever got invaded by a power strong enough to takeover the nation, and they used force to do it, your little attempts to play Last Action Hero are not going to save you. A bunch of bullets and some guns will not protect you in the long run.
You will need lasers.
November 17th, 2009 at 7:43 am
haha I’m a gun owner and this is hilarious.
by the way
STOP BUYING AMMO! I NEED SOME TOO!
November 13th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
really you people who think i should only own 10 rounds of ammo are retarded! 10 rounds is one standard clip for most simi auto pistols. 65,000 rounds for 800 firearms is not a lot at all. that 81 rounds per gun. when you go to the gunstore and buy a box of pistol ammo its usualy in boxs of 50 so thats less than 2 boxs of ammo per gun. when im at the range i can fire roughly 12 rounds a minnute with a revolver thanks to speed loaders and 30 rounds overy 3 minutes with a simi auto pistol. i only own 3 guns and i have nearly 10,000 rounds of ammo. its always better to have to much than not enough. and for you guys who say “10 ammos is enough to last a lifetime of self defence” first of all say 10 bulletts or 10 rounds because you sound like an idiot and us real gun owners know you dont have a clue what your talking about and you have probably never fired a gun in your life. alst its my goddamn right to have as much ammo as i please ad ill be damned if anyone will tell me otherwise. also bulletts do go bad after a while and become dangerous so 10 rounds wont last a life time.
as i walk through the vally of the shaddow of death i shall fear no evil. fore my guns art with me and they dont go “click”
November 13th, 2009 at 9:57 am
dude. this article made me laugh so much. afterwards though i considered the legitimate reasoning behind stockpiling ammo. obamas been in office for a year, americas going down the shitter. im PRETTY SURE theres going to be a war on american soil in our lifetime.
better to die squeezing the trigger of a semi-automatic!
November 13th, 2009 at 2:20 am
guys this article is fake, stop talking about if you think it a good idea for him to stockpile all this ammo, cause hes not, hes a not a psychopath, he works for cracked for Christ sake! no one will ever want to kill him EVER! so just enjoy the articles.
CAUSE CRACKED RULES!!!!!
November 12th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
Shooters are pussies.
November 10th, 2009 at 5:42 am
Obama can CHANGE deez nuts.
November 9th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
65000 rounds is nowhere near enough ammo for 800 guns. thats 81 rounds for each gun.
there is nothing wrong with having lots of ammo stocked up. i have at least 5,000 rounds. it is not because im crazy, its just because i like to shoot. if i want to go to the range and fire off a couple hundred rounds i can without having to spend hours riding around trying to find ammo.
November 8th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Binx, dude, read the message fully. 10 ammo. 10 ammo is justified for self-deffense over a whole lifetime worth of self-deffense.
November 6th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Being an avid gun owner and gun lover, I am glad somebody else is seeing what I see. The NRA is full of retards who are probably getting a lot of money under the table from a political party (I wonder which one) and some very immoral weapons manufacturers. I was going to buy an AR-15 to start doing competition shooting before prices went from 500-600 to well over 1200 dollars!
Thank you cracked, thank you.
Why couldn’t this have been made into a video. WHY!?!?
November 5th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
Queequeg, read the last line that the prosecutor says. When you go to buy ammo, that’s your new chant. What you are doing “is all so retarded.”
For the record…
November 4th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
BRILLIANT AS ALWAYS!
Dude, you should just go ahead and make a movie. Seriously. It’ll put Kevin Smith to shame (or make him talk for more than 5 seconds in screen time).
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:16 am
queequeg, DOB is obviously only sterotyping gun owners because this is a comedic article, and in DOB’s article, nobody is exempt from lampooning. jesus, stop whining about it, I dont get as offended when people make fun of or insult muslims, and my mom is muslim.
obam… GAY. Pricless
November 1st, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Clever concept but poorly executed and a little lame. It appears that DOB is not a shooter and falls into the typical non-shooter “emotion” set that feels that gunowners are racist, homophobic, xenophobic, knuckle draggers that lack the vision to see the beauty and vision of those who would disarm them. The collumn suggests a target audience of college students with good weed.
Clearly, hoarding of ammunition as well as components for those who reload their ammuniton, (primers, bullets, powders and cases) have been bid up in price by increased demand since shortly before the election; as much due to the collapse of the economy as to the election of Barry the unqualified. One need only look at the bills proffered in the house as well as state capitals by cynical or deceptive legislators to ban or tax or limit types of weapons, ammunition, magazines, or their ownership due to proximity to schools, churches, glory holes, etc.
The assumption of absurdity on the part of those hoarding is actually good for the hoarders as it removes any doubt that the sarcastic and derisive mocking of their motivation only proves to them that there is no reasoning with those who choose not to own firearms or enjoy any of the shooting sports. You don’t see that, but it’s the shooters who are stupid?
Given the lack of oomph in the courtroom piece, I would think Dan is wondering how much farther he can take this whole humor business as frankly, I found it could have really been much funnier. It could have been damn funny: Something along the lines of how smart pople react to the overreach of stupid Gov’t policies or bureaucratic inertia. Instead it was thrown together, some name dropping, a little red meat for the think alike types and POOF- Magic! Sorry but we both know it was sloppy Dan.
For the record;
Obama has voted and campaigned, as a rabble rouser, state legislator and U.S. Senator, for gun confiscation by any means. Will you now believe his protestations to the contrary when the time is unsuitable for his long term objectives? If you’re idiotic or high, well apparently so…
Satire, parody, mockery, etc., are in fact the best weapons we have as, from my perspective, Obama is a humorless fuck, mad with a lust for power and enabled by so many cynics, liars and fools, that gallows humor is essential.
If you believe gun confiscation, by increments or wholesale, is not part of the left’s agenda, you’re too stupid to appreciate real wit!
Trust me folks, life can get a lot worse than not being able to get free abortions, marry your same sex partner or unplug Grandma just cause the Dutch do it!
Queequeg
October 30th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
Pissed Off,
I so get what you’re saying. Currently, there’s a serial killer in our hometown that has killed about ten women in the past five or so years. We still haven’t found him and we’re still finding bodies. Yes, I want the legal ability to wield arms while the Serial Dumper (Yeah, I know, THE most unoriginal name ever, but when you’re stuck in a town of rednecks and coonasses, this is what ya get).
Alexgsander, I think what he’s primarily getting at is that you never know when some psycho or criminal is going to get the best of you and they’ll always find a way to buy guns and ammunition. If the right to bare arms is taken away, what defense do we have against that chance? Better safe than sorry is a very good policy to keep nowadays.
October 30th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
That was the best ending line to that whole thing. XDDDDDDDD WOW is all I can really say to this.
October 28th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
wanna watch free adults movies or naked pics?? pls check out for
free__ClassyMingle.c o m__ . Wanna find your sexy partner easier and more
effective?? Check out for free: –ClassyMingle.c o m–where you can meet
the wealthy singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs. What are you
waiting for? Find your sexy partner and hot movies NOW ! You will love it!
October 28th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Pissed Off, you make it sound like there are hords of criminals assulting your house from 360. Unless you take as a declared invasion every living creature that lays foot on your lawn and proceed to turn it into swiss cheese, or you intend to reduce the casual thief that has a chance of maybe showing like once in your lifetime into a smoking pile of debris by shooting him until he must be cleaned from the floor with a brush, 10 amunitions will last you a lifetime worth of self-deffense purposes. If the two exceptions to the rule concern you, no gun should ever land in your hands, so that settles the issue.
Brilliant article, dob.
Alex
October 28th, 2009 at 4:28 am
Good stuff! Guys, pls check out_ WealthyCupid.org __where you can meet the wealthy singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs. Hook up sexy partner easier and more effective! What are you waiting for? Just Sign up and hook up the sexy beauties now!http://www.wealthycupid.org/
October 27th, 2009 at 11:44 pm
[ Kat Says:
October 13th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
“The weird thing is that they all state that every voice should be heard and we should help the less fortunate, yet live by the mantra “I believe you have every right to say what you want…unless I disagree with you” Dangerous.”
Notice how you got to say exactly what you want? Where is this censorship you speak of?
I love when people shriek and cry about censorship when their political opinion isn’t the majority.]
who said anything about censorship? who needs censorship when you can get most of a nation to believe any fuckin thing you make up about anyone?
October 23rd, 2009 at 3:05 pm
“More like Nobama,” I said, slyly.
“OBUMa,” Brockway added.
“OBOMBa,” Swaim said.
“Obam…GAY,” I concluded. Swaim and Brockway nodded their approval.
GENIUS
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:41 am
Ugh, this sucks.
The REASON it’s a good idea to buy bullets, it that when the right to bear arms is taken away, we’ll be able to protect ourselves from criminals who don’t give a shit whether or not owning a gun is illegal.
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:17 am
I’m out to buy bullets, shitloads of bullets. Though as I live in the U.K I wont be allowed to buy a gun so I guess ill have to throw them……
October 20th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
DOB, sir, I love you.
October 19th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
what the fuck am i reading
October 16th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
“oh yeah. Are commies still a problem?”
“Umm… are they the dudes in the ant farms?
“Caves in afgahnistan?”
“What? No, my temp is fine.”
October 16th, 2009 at 11:13 am
This was funnier than text than it would have been in a video, although a video of this would still kick ass. Get on it! : D
October 13th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
papajon Says:
“You know, politics and humor just totally bum me out. Yeah, I know its everywhere you lefties have made a career of ripping the shit out of conservatives and laughing the entire time you are doing it, but IMHO, Cracked would be way better without this kind of thing.”
Except this wasn’t a jab at Conservatives. It was satirizing folks who freaked the fluck out and needlessly stockpiled ammo when Obama got elected.
October 13th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
“The weird thing is that they all state that every voice should be heard and we should help the less fortunate, yet live by the mantra “I believe you have every right to say what you want…unless I disagree with you” Dangerous.”
Notice how you got to say exactly what you want? Where is this censorship you speak of?
I love when people shriek and cry about censorship when their political opinion isn’t the majority.
October 13th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
If I didn’t love sarcasm so much, you would just have caused me to declare satire to be the greatest form of humour. Or maybe it is. Excuse me while I have a mini personal crisis.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
You know, this article has convinced me, TO THE GUN STORE!
October 11th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Ummm, @AlltheGuns: contrary to your belief, 65,000 is a SHITLOAD of bullets for one person. Most assault rifles have a clip of about 30 rounds. 65,000 bullets is over 2,150 clips. What are doing with your guns that 65,000 bullets isn’t enough? Are you just constantly firing it in the air?
October 11th, 2009 at 10:25 am
“More like Nobama,” I said, slyly.
“OBUMa,” Brockway added.
“OBOMBa,” Swaim said.
“Obam…GAY,” I concluded. Swaim and Brockway nodded their approval.
That just killed me! So freaking funny!
October 7th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
You know, I’m probably that CRAAAAZY libertarian you no-doubt can’t stand, but I find this article incredibly hilarious.
*goes off to buy some guns and bullets*
October 3rd, 2009 at 10:10 pm
DOB, that was one mighty article. I’ve rarely if ever read such a good article.
October 2nd, 2009 at 8:12 pm
fantastic. love it when multiple columnists are in an article.
though it did take away from my bullet-buying time.
now ill have to stop sleeping while i go out to purchase more ammunition for my fight against hippies and/or zombies (or whatever large group of people that no one cares about anymore).
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:30 am
Amazing. Just amazing article. Top Notch.
October 1st, 2009 at 6:41 am
Brilliant, just brilliant…..Haha Love it. Well played sir, may I have another.
September 30th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Funny article.
Funny comments.
Wins all round.
September 30th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
i thought the article was hi-larious!
i don’t see why anyone [regardless of political views] would be offended enough to get all douche-tastic in the comments section.. and if you were.. well.. why the hell did you choose to come here and read it? furthermore.. after CHOOSING to not only find the article but read it.. you start hardheartedly insulting others over it.
you all know who you are.. and well.. maybe comedy just isn’t the best thing for you [seeing as how you obviously don't get it].. have you tried killing yourself or simply going into hiding?
September 30th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
I don’t get how people think other articles on Cracked are entertaining, but not DOB. You take serious issues and make a mockery of them!!
Also…you should write a book…not sure on what…but a book would be good.
September 30th, 2009 at 10:15 am
I guess it would have to be the Republicans getting a bit on edge regarding their precious, precious guns. It’s a shame that no-one has pointed out to them that the second amendment has been grossly misinterpreted. DOB is nigh on par with Bill Hicks as far as political satire goes, and both present their material in very different yet equally hilarious and enlightening ways.
September 29th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
From an aspiring slightly narcisisstic missppelled word smyth to an established genius: You, sir, should be in the Funny Shit Hall of Fame with James Thurber. I was seriously getting flashblacks from The Secret Life of Walter Mitty while trying not to choke on my club soda because i was cracking up, schizming my schizoid personality laughter disorder. Gratuitous sound effects: [grlgl grlgrl Ba-HAAA HAHAHAHAHA] Crazy, and not altogether true, but perhaps I was exaggerating for emph-ASS-is. I loved the Ditto from Brockway while actually buying the bullets back from you in the courtroom. Excellent point: the absurdity of American politics. Especially today. It is indeed all so retarded.
September 29th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
How’s that hope and change working out for you?
September 29th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
And the point of this fragmented bundle of words is…..?
Why did you bother putting this up on the net? Cracked has such interesting stuff, but this is just stupid.
September 29th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
DOB, you truly are a prince amongst men. Another fine article. You exceed even your own lofty standards.
September 29th, 2009 at 10:00 am
Articles like this are always like a 2-for-1 special, because the real fun doesn’t start until you begin reading the hilarious comments. Some of you guys deserve a hand for letting the rest of us think you’re an idiot for the sake of our amusement. Thank you, it’s truly selfless of you.
Even so, you still look like idiots.
September 29th, 2009 at 6:43 am
Got damn, DOB, why are you so awesome? And why is every comment in this comment section so fucktarded?
Regardless, very, very funny. Arguably better than your Taxes Chainsaw Massacre.
September 29th, 2009 at 5:37 am
@MournBlade
“have the words, “agent provacatuer,” crossed your minds?”
once, on the way to a dictionary, long ago, before it was spelled ‘provocateur’ and people didn’t boast hilariously unsuccessfully using big words in foreign languages.
September 29th, 2009 at 1:23 am
Wow, some people take Cracked articles WAY too seriously.
Good job, DOB.
PS. Shoulda framed Brockway somehow
September 28th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
Yeah… a lot like you.
September 28th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
Why… are you a Negro, and figure you’d be a shoe-in?
September 28th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
This would have been better if it ended with a break dance competition.
September 28th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
You know, for what is basically a random made up story about some dude and his friends, this was stupidly funny.
September 28th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
@ Ian:
You hit the nail on the head. It’s not so much about one particular group, so much as it is about the general reaction that Americans have to every little issue. I fit into most people’s definition of “gun nut” (apparently keeping an M870 Tactical Custom loaded with holowpoint slugs under the bed is rarely considered normal), but I didn’t begin stockpile ammo when Obama was elected for two reasons:
(A) between health care, the war in Afghanistan, Charlie Sheen’s delusions, the economy, and Somali pirates, Obama is going to be far too preoccupied to fulfill the NRA’s paranoid predictions.
(B) bullets cost money, and I’m a cheap bastard. And, as the article pointed out, this ammo craze is just making them cost more money. A LOT more money.
September 28th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
imapotato you should know
1) This is a comedy site, how dare you try to have a serious discussion, you guys are retards.
2) Conservatives are (insert attempt at witty sarcastic jab)
shit i forgot to change your comments. Oh well
Nice DOB
September 28th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Pretty funny, but not DOB’s best.
I really can’t see how this is a liberal or political article. Believe me, I’m liberal, and even I hate reading psuedo-witticisms and sarcastic, one-sided attacks. It’s retarded.
DOB isn’t mocking conservatives here. He’s mocking one of the many over-the-top knee jerk reactions. And yes, that reaction is retarded. So was thinking Obama would bring great sweeping change to America.
Bottom line: There are lots of legitimate reasons to disagree with Obama. That’s fine. Fear of gun control and death panels are not among those reasons, and it’s the responsibility of every individual with common sense (whether liberal or conservative) to point out how retarded they are.
September 28th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
All the Guns made a comment a few pages down, saying that 65,000 rounds of ammo isn’t enough? Enough for fuckin’ what? Seriously, you could take over Equador with 65,000 rounds of ammo, dude.
September 28th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Epic win D.O.B.
September 28th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Amy-
He, and I, want both (yes, I am a gun owner). The two aren’t mutually exclusive (see Fact#4 in my original post).
As for your statement that the article is “neither respectful or humorous” Humor is rarely, if ever, respectful. By it’s very nature humor is disrespectful because you are making fun of something or someone.
It’s good to hear that you follow your own logic but shouldn’t logic dictate that, since Obama himself has never made a statement indicating that he would do away with the second amendment, these statements are false at best or (more likely) pure propaganda at worst?
I apologize that my original post was so long but propaganda is propaganda and should be called out no matter which side it comes from (yes, even if it is just a comedy site).
September 28th, 2009 at 11:35 am
So, how often do you solicit oral sex from men?
September 28th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Hey DOB, can you give me a good price on .38’s?
September 28th, 2009 at 9:53 am
65,000 rounds of ammo isn’t nearly enough - it is hardly any really. I always find it amusing when the uninformed about firearms attempt to make fun of firearms owners and instead make a mockery of themselves and highlight their gross misinformation.
800 guns would be nice, though.
September 28th, 2009 at 9:23 am
hrhc13 -
so you’re saying that obama isn’t for gun control… but he’s not for gun freedom either? or is it that he wants both? or is it (enter bunch of wordy bullshit avoidance here)? oh no wait, it’s just he tells you what you want to hear without ever actually answering a question.
cough/politicianseekingpowerwithlies/cough
this article isn’t funny and has the intention of making ppl look like retards based on their pov. it’s neither respectful nor humorous. it’s just a liberal jackass making his opinion sound inarguably right by condescension in the form of sarcasm. no matter which side i’m on, i wouldn’t be caught up by shit like this or by shit spoken by obama or by shit propounded by the nra. all bullshit, all jackasses.
the only thing i trust anymore is my own logic and by my logic people should have freedom. if they abuse it, impose harsh punishment but let them have their freedom to do right and to be good people.
September 28th, 2009 at 8:52 am
So this guy is boning Aniston these days?! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ She’s a lucky, lucky girl!!!
September 28th, 2009 at 8:51 am
Suck my cock.
Your mother did (took her teeth out first too. That filthy, slutty whore!).
September 28th, 2009 at 7:55 am
Typical liberal response in the comments take on 2 obvious standards
1) This is a comedy site, how dare you try to have a serious discussion, you guys are retards.
2) Conservatives are (insert attempt at witty sarcastic jab)
The weird thing is that they all state that every voice should be heard and we should help the less fortunate, yet live by the mantra “I believe you have every right to say what you want…unless I disagree with you”
Dangerous..
September 28th, 2009 at 4:18 am
Wanna to meet tall singles, tall beautiful women and tall handsome men?????
Here is a very nice place ~~~~~~~~~ Tall flirts . c o m ~~~~~~~~~~~
It’s where Tall people look for someone to enjoy their lifestyle with.
September 27th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
“Oh, yeah? Well, your mother was…”
I love it. You know you can’t defend your opinions so you rely on ad hominem attacks. Pathetic.
By the way, If you would like me to, I can debunk the other 14 “facts” in that article. It’s really no trouble.
September 27th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
… and has to wear diapers to this day to hold his shit in. So now he spews it from his mouth!
September 27th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
Because his mom was a whore and she was busy walking the streets to pay the rent on their trailer.
September 27th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
… for thinking that anyone would read through his long post. Look, twat… if you want to post that long, and hope someone actually give a shit what you say, submit an article on Cracked for possible publication. Otherwise, don’t think of yourself as so self-important… you’re not. You’re boring. Go fuck your Mother (again)… I did!
September 27th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
That was entertaining, good work.
September 27th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
DOB I feel you are a genius we keep hidden on the internet, away from the mainstream media. This was an exceptionally well written article gushing sarcasm. I applaud you good sir.
September 27th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
Great article, as always, DOB. Just a few quick points concerning Ammo hoarder’s link.
Fact#1- This doesn’t have anything to do with Obama’s views on gun control. It simply states that he doesn’t agree with or would have appointed different SCJs.
Fact#2- The link for this “fact” simply shows that he voted for it. It doesn’t show that the bill was “poorly crafted” or that it would have “banned most semi-auto and single and double barrel shotguns”.
Fact#3- This link shows that he voted against ” A bill to prohibit civil liability actions from being brought or continued against manufacturers, distributors, dealers, or importers of firearms or ammunition for damages, injunctive or other relief resulting from the misuse of their products by others.” I see no problem here. (The operative word here is “misuse”. But, that is an entirely different debate.)
Fact#4- In this link he made, multiple times, statements to the effect of “We can have reasonable, thoughtful gun control measure that I think respect the Second Amendment and people’s traditions.” Again, I see no problem.
Fact#5- He voted “yea” on a bill “To expand the definition of armor piercing ammunition.” So sorry, but, you won’t be able to shoot through SWATs body armor anymore.
Fact#6- This link in broken. All subsequent searches for “The Volokh Conspiracy” resulted in broken links.
Fact#7- From the linked article: ‘“Sen. Obama didn’t fill out these state Senate questionnaires — a staffer did — and there are several answers that didn’t reflect his views then or now,” Tommy Vietor, a spokesman for Obama’s campaign, said in an e-mailed statement. “He may have jotted some notes on the front page of the questionnaire at the meeting, but that doesn’t change the fact that some answers didn’t reflect his views. His 11 years in public office do.”’ It’s kind of sad when the article that they linked to actually disproves their assertion.
Fact#8- He does not support “local gun bans”. He does support the right of individual states to enforce local gun laws. “But asked today about the DC handgun ban currently being reviewed by the US Supreme Court, Obama declined to take a position for or against its Constitutionality but did express broad support for the rights of local jurisdictions to make such decisions for themselves.”
Again, the link disproves the “fact”.
Fact#9- There is no actual link for this one. Could that be because the link would, once again, disprove the “fact”? Given that the rest of the “facts” are so easily debunked, I would say yes.
Fact#10- So you DON’T think that guns should be registered? You DON’T think that gun owners should be licensed? You have to be licensed to drive a car and that car has to be registered but to own a gun (designed solely for killing) you don’t believe in licensing or registering? Seriously?
I’m going to stop here. It is PAINFULLY obvious that the site you linked to is just gun lobbyist propaganda that is easily refutable. And, honestly, I think you should be ashamed that you would link to ANYTHING that the NRA would put out as a credible source.
September 27th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
WTF! Gotta gettem where you can, 9mm are the hardest to find, sure shot gun rounds everywhere and what not noone really needs abunch of hunting ammo, and Walmart-OUT OF EVERYTHING, I found some 9mm at Dicks Sporting goods, Im just sayin…for my pink S&W 7 shot 45 wheely gun.
September 27th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
“But stockpiling ammunition because of Obama doesn’t make sense. He’s not going to take away your gun ownership rights.”
http://www.nraila.org/OBAMA/
The NRA would care to differ Junior; he’s never met a Gun Control law he didn’t like. If you like guns and voted for this man you should be ashamed of yourself.
September 27th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
DOB, you are my favourite. Never change. Unless you somehow improve, which is technically a change. A change I can believe in.
September 27th, 2009 at 10:52 am
… for an excuse to stockpile ammo. http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=4&sku=ENGL-CD00381
September 27th, 2009 at 9:13 am
Love the article, I wish Republicans weren’t getting so butthurt about it.
Liberal here, I love guns. Currently too young to own one but I intend to buy a few rifles and a handgun or two at some point.
But stockpiling ammunition because of Obama doesn’t make sense. He’s not going to take away your gun ownership rights, he can’t take away your gun ownership rights, and if you try to fight the US government you’ll get your ass kicked, because it’s you against hundreds of the best soldiers on Earth, with tanks.
Do you own a tank?
September 27th, 2009 at 1:19 am
What the hell is Fark?
September 27th, 2009 at 1:15 am
What does all this have to do with Anna Nicole http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=19&sku=ENGL-CD00415 and her feminine protection?!
September 26th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
This article was absolutly fantastic. 5 stars!
September 26th, 2009 at 11:06 pm
lmfao, that was awesome.
September 26th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
I must say that Simon does have a point. It is more satisfying to bludgeon the shit out of an enemy. But criminals have never once thought twice about the legality of their weapons. Case in point: The Hollywood Bank Robbery. The AK’s and body armor they used were illegal.
September 26th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
We’re just getting that little bit closer to uninventing elecetricty, aren’t we?
September 26th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
I feel your pain Dan. I hate wearing pants too. Great article.
September 26th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
The utter retardation of conservatives in these comments is palpable, you can seriously palp it. But I guess if I was deluded enough to think the an autistic clown on Fox new knew anything about policy and the dumbest person from Alaska could be president, I’d probably write stupid shit in the comment section of a comedy site too. Se la vie.
September 26th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
HAHAHA DOB is so fucking funny
September 26th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
TLDR. Not enough hilariously appropriate pictures
September 26th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
Psst. Crazy gun owners, not all gun owners. Between the bears and venison, there isn’t one house on my street that doesn’t have a at least a hunting rifle. They keep ourselves and our pets alive, and most of us still think the scramble for ammo is retarded.
September 26th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
I’ve owned guns and used guns since I was a young boy. I think what most people seem to be confused about is exactly how hard it is to get the constitution amended. The second amendment isn’t going anywhere. Gun control advocates have been trying for decades to get rid of it and none of them have even been close to being successful. Sure states can limit our gun ownership rights, but seriously just move to Washington. Basically the only restrictions on owning a gun up here are 1) age, 18 for rifles 21 for handguns and 2) no fully-automatics.
If I read this article correctly they’re not saying gun ownership is retarded (cannedfury and a few others) They’re saying hoarding them is retarded because it’s completely unnecessary.
September 26th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
As a European, I am strongly opposed to gun ownership. The current rush on ammo in the US seems ridiculous. Just use a fucking club, people! We’ve been doing it for hundreds of years. Bashing somebodies head in with a nice, solid piece of wood or steel is so much cheaper and more satisfying than using a gun.
September 26th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Its funny that now when people say something negative about one side of the of the 2 parties, they now have to publish their race, to make it seem that they have not been brainwashed by the drones that usually are thrown under the category of that group/party. Quite interesting.
September 26th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Cracked’s political bias makes me sick. There is no reason comedy websites should go after people just because they act like comedy bait. Elephants are an endangered species, and you can’t take shots at them just because they’re in the room! Leave the crazy gun owners alone, they obviously can’t protect themselves.
September 26th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Wow! Yet another angry Negro… what are the odds?!
September 26th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
I personally am not that fond of Obama, but this bullet rush is a little ridiculous. Many of these people who are hoarding guns and ammo know nothing about either one, and will just wind up selling them after they realize that guns aren’t exactly the first priority on Obama’s agenda right now.
Meanwhile I have to check six different stores just to buy one box of 4-ought buck.
I just miss the days where I didn’t have to pre-order ammo a month before I went to the range. Of course, the massive amount of cheap AR-15’s on the market (once these ammo hoarders finally calm down and sell their stashes) might just make it worth it.
September 26th, 2009 at 9:57 am
I agree with Yoast. Buy guns and bullets for the inevitable xombie apocalypse, or maybe there might be a nucular fallout that sends the world into disarray. When the world becomes a nuclear wasteland or human hunting ground for the zombies, the people holding the guns will have all the power.
September 26th, 2009 at 9:56 am
I’m so sick of liberals. Hippocritical idiots, is what they truly are. The Founding Fathers gave us the second amendment to defend ourselves from criminals AND government. Did you know that? They designed our country so people have the power to overthrow any government we don’t see fit. Read a fucking book, you goddamn, worthless, mindless blind followers.
Also, fuck DOB and his smarmy Cracked fucktards.
September 26th, 2009 at 8:32 am
Fecking sweet. All of this was just so great.
September 26th, 2009 at 8:25 am
These comments are scaring me.
*buys more bullets*
September 26th, 2009 at 7:57 am
Loving it. LOVING it. This one’s a real hit DOB.
September 26th, 2009 at 7:35 am
Must find bullets, fake dog balls, and vicodin! Damn you DOB!
September 26th, 2009 at 6:14 am
i had to turn on ‘aint nuthin’ but a g thang’ as soon as i saw snoop d.o.b.
September 26th, 2009 at 5:20 am
Grade A satire as usual. Well done, DOB, well done.
September 26th, 2009 at 3:20 am
lol “It’s just all so retarded.“ kinda summs it up.
September 26th, 2009 at 1:57 am
“Brockway took some vicodin.”
Best advice I ever heard…pop….pop
September 25th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
its not my fault i’m gangsta.
September 25th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
ahaha
I get it
it’s funny because he’s making fun of the conservatives, ahahahah, and I agree with that! right?
September 25th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
I just bought a bunch of bullets in preparation for the zombie apocalypse
September 25th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
Glenn Beck is to politics what the Hummer is to cars. Loud, dickish and completely unnecessary.
September 25th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
tl;dr
DOB always has great article, but I’ll just wait until this is made into a video.
September 25th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
@yeah- That may be true, but that doesn’t stop Glen Beck from being batshit crazy.
September 25th, 2009 at 9:31 pm
Hey guys! Guys!
…guys?
Is anybody listening to me?
I have an important political/social/religious statement to make on a Comedy website, too!
Guys?
…guys?…
September 25th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
This article was amazing.
September 25th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
@yeah
Glenn Beck is not cool. Lol.
September 25th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
HECK YES conservatives! ^^
*high fives ‘…”*
September 25th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
Go guns, Go conservatives, and Go DOB!
September 25th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Just so you know anyone who says that they would do something simply out of principle or for no other reason than to prove some point they are usually ass or a politician (which coincidentally are called asses). Hence creating a vicious cycle of stupid.
The King Clown Goomba hath spoken…
September 25th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
@Jack Steward
These are very strange times, indeed. But, do not believe the media hype. The media as well as hollywood doesn’t know anything about majority of the American people. Obama wouldn’t have gotten elected if most of the American people were idiots; easily brain-washed by the powers to be. IMO.
Anyway, you have made excellent points. It’s only common sense. Where are the intelligent, good and caring people to combat most of the manipulative jargon being spread through the media?
Religion is a powerful tool that can be used by dangerous and oppressive motives. Please, don’t get me wrong. I’m not bashing anyone following and adhering to his/ or her religion of choice, which is scary if that choice is taken away. I’m just saying the power of religion can be used for good or evil. The most basic tactic, blindly believe or you’re going to suffer in hell, is inherently very powerful. The devil is most powerful in sheeps clothing, and the best cloth is distorted religion.
September 25th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Luv it!
Luciferians getting nervus, while hoarding the same!
September 25th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
Did someone call Glenn Beck a moron? Read his books, you’ll find out he’s neither Liberal or Conservative, nor Democrat or Republican, he is for pro capitalism and less government control, he’s actually thinking of creating his own political party. The problem is both parties are disconnected from the people. Glenn Beck supports whatever promotes less government and more capitalism.
Anyway, this article was pretty funny. I think it’d be funny if it were a video though.
September 25th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
Stupid of me to post a serious reply, but WTF. Today I bought a box of .380 ammo. First box I’ve seen in 6 months. 380 is called 9mm Short, it is strictly a self defense round; if your a bad guy you will just use 9mm, but this makes for smaller guns. All anybody needs for protection is a magazine of hollow points; with luck 1 mag will last a lifetime. What I haven’t had are any practice rounds, ball ammo. Now next time I go shooting I can practice with my smallest usable gun, so if I need to use it I am competent, and because it’s fun to shoot targets.
September 25th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
Hey DOB,
I gradated from a top law 10 school and am a lawyer for the federal government - I love the wink to how insanely wrong courtroom scenes are in popular culture. Also the fact that Gladstone isn’t your friend.
Further, I just left work and am about 8 beers deep in 30 minutes, so maybe that made this all funnier. Still, I love your stuff when I’m sober too.
Looking forward to a sequel to Bartender.
September 25th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
I think it was JasonVorhees who referenced the disarming of citizens during Hurricane Katrina.
I would shoot a police officer in the face without hesitation if he said he was at my house to take my firearms away from me.
Be it known that I voted for Obama, but the Bill of Rights is there for a reason. I might go to jail for it, yeah, but it’s a matter of principle at that point.
September 25th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
fan-goddamn-tastic. that last line fucking killed me.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
My God, I don’t come to Cracked to get political satire of the caliber of Samuel Clemens. It’s just as well, because I won’t find it here; nevertheless, that was brilliantly funny. Thank you.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
You fucktards are making political statements on a COMEDY website. Put down your placards for ten seconds, complement the man on his article and move on with your life. You aren’t going to convert anyone with your pithy commentary.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
John, that’s not why they’re buying all the bullets. You’re in VIRGINIA. That’s reason enough.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
In a way, the black kid is right. The new atheists always talk about how “enlightened” they are since they’re free from “religious dogma,” but there’s nothing noble about clinging to some code of morals developed from antiquated social behaviors that evolved to allow us to succeed in large family groups. In the big picture, if anyone thinks that’s any different than “running around with a baby hanging off their dick while stabbing old ladies in the neck,” they they either hold some hypocritical belief in a transcendent moral code, or they’re just stupid.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
As usual DOB just makes me laugh my ass off.
Kudos to you, my pshycho writer!!
September 25th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
I think judges should use the gavels that old Klingon fucker had in Star Trek VI.
September 25th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Somebody tell John he just had the most brilliant revelation that I think anyone in this age could ever have.
I’ll do him one better, though, and lump everyone arguing about religion in there.
If you are any of those people, you are a retard.
September 25th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Also, Max, Buddha wasn’t a god, he was a basically a philosopher. And Buddhism isn’t a religion per se, but a philosophy. It doesn’t say that ‘if you don’t do this you go to hell’, but offers up both sides of that.
Off topic, but had to clarify that. Great work DOB!
September 25th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
I work in a gun store in VA, and this entire article is TRUE. People are frightened, and they’re not sure why, and they come up to me and say “Do you have any .380 Ammo?” and I say “No, we’ve been out for 8 months” and they say “It’s okay, I have 3,000 rounds at home.” and I want to kick them square in the nuts. But I’m making a SHITLOAD of MONEY, so things aren’t that bad.
September 25th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
My friend recommended me a very interesting place
________ M i l l i o n A i r e c h a t s. C O M_________ .It is the best dating club for seeking the rich singles, beauties and even hot celebs..what’s the most important is:you dont have to be a millionaire.but you can meet one. I think everyone need to meet some miracle after all the terrible stuff in the news and the economy.______TTTTTTTT_____
September 25th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
From “But why?” I realised that you just might be a genius. A criminally insane genius, but a genius all the same.
September 25th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
1. Great article, DOB. Funny and intelligent. Grade-A comedy gold.
2. To every last one of you tardbuckets that continually comments about liberals, conservatives, who is right and wrong, and all that other bullshit: All of you (including me) know very little about exactly what is going on in Washington, because if you really knew how government worked, you’d all be running for mayor or city council so you can get your opinion and beliefs heard by people who actually give a fuck.
3. Lets face it, religion in modern society is the one thing holding back human potential. Not to mention it is completely absurd. Would you follow someone blindly if they said they were trustworthy because they believed that a talking snake made a girl eat an apple that doomed us forever?
September 25th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Agreed Pedgerow. The end came suddenly, which made it funnier.
September 25th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Recently,I found a very interesting place
______M i l l i o n A i r e c h a t s. C O M_____. It is the best dating club for seeking the rich singles, beauties and even hot celebs..what’s the most important is that you dont have to be a millionaire.but you can meet one. I think everyone need to meet some miracle after all the terrible stuff in the news and the economy .You should check it out!!!
September 25th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Well, l loved it. The last statement, the poor prosecutor, yes, that sums it up. lt sums it up.
September 25th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
I was terrified this would be an overlong self-indulgent postmodern-ironic peniscapade, but actually it was the right length. I want everyone, most of all Mr Dan O’Brien himself, to know that. In fact (dare I say it?) it could even have been a bit longer. But really, don’t worry about it. This length of article saves time.
September 25th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
To all the idiots who believe that the Army would be used to squash any ‘uprising’ succesfully:
A few problems with your theory.
1) Officer ranks would empty. It would be a military devoid of leadership. Officers are sworn to defend the CONSTITUTION, not to follow some fascist as he disarms the people. As such, the vast majority would be fighting against any unconstitutional order and whoever issued it.
2) Any special forces unit would be gone. They wouldn’t follow an unconstitutional order. And frankly, these are the kind of people who can take on whole battalions with only 12 men.
3) Many GIs would be gone. There’s not a lot of love for Obama in the military. Actually, there is VERY little.
4) Considering all the above, the vast majority of good soldiers would be fighting AGAINST the government. Further consider the millions of firearms owned by private citizens, and the fact that private citizens are pretty accustomed to the areas they live in. People said the IRA would never be able to take on the British, yet that’s what they did. People said the VC would never be able to take on our tanks, but they did, fucking them left and right while wearing Pajamas and Sandals and fighting with mostly guns abandoned from WWII.
As for Obama, he has a long history of being anti-2nd amendment, and he’s sure proving himself to be a poor leader pretty quick. He’s not a ‘good’ person by any stretch of the imagination.
September 25th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Max-
I think you are off base on the religion thing. Religion is only USED by corrupt rulers for a reason to go to war. Would you argue with any of the 10 commandments? Even the Muslim religion was a peaceful religion until a religious leader declared that you can still go to heaven if you kill yourself for your religion and country which led to suicide bombers (I don’t remember the names of parties involved i just don’t feel like looking it up its a Friday haha)…And your claims that Atheists dont go around killing and raping people is faulty to because every single oneof them was raised on judeo-christian values which are ingrained into our society.
And for the record I am not a religious person defending my faith im believe in a god but not in the traditional sense that many Christians would accept.
September 25th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Very funny my friend.
September 25th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
I demand a sequel.
September 25th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
I consider myself slightly conservative kinda like a McCain republican but my big thing is that I just hate how hypocritical both republican and democrats are. When Bush was president people were protesting him by calling him hitler and a and crap which I think is an insult to everyone was that was effected by WWII but and conservatives were quick to bitch about it which is the right thing to do. But now conservatives are depicting Obama as hitler which is EQUALLY as wrong as calling Bush hitler. and now those same liberals who called bush hitler are bitching about conservatives calling Obama hitler. BOTH SIDES ARE WRONG! I cant stand either side that is on the far ends of the spectrum and thats why I get my news by watching both extreme news sources and figuring the truth is in between the two views. (And Glenn Beck is the biggest moron I have ever seen its hard o watch his retarded show, Kieth Olberman is a close second)
September 25th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
To the critics of O’Brien who say his columns are long-winded, unfunny, ham-fisted and not fit even for Something Awful’s Frontpage:
You are largely correct.
September 25th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Max, I love you.
September 25th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Most judges do not have gavels or use the ones they have been given. Of course it still is a good symbol of the judiciary so you can sometimes get pencils in that shape from a court.
September 25th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
but why complain about bullet prices when you are the one driving them up? its simple supply and demand.
and no way you can use that much ammo hunting. hobby shooting yes, but hunting no. if you are a shooting hobbyist then accept the fact that the more you buy the more expensive it will be. buy what you need at the time and take care of problems as they arise. stockpiling does nothing beneficial for you.
*NOTE* this is really good for the economy and people making bullets. if people waste all their money buying bullets then hey, at least those people making the bullets are profiting!
September 25th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
This was completely and utterly hilarious.
“Also to prove a point, I’ll say there is no God, just for a minute.”
The world has dramatically improved in this minute.
Like we have 700-year lifespans and flying cars and shit.
“No Christian God, no Allah, no Buddha, nobody. Where do everyone’s morals go? Down the toilet. Religion gives people something to work for, a reason to be a good person.”
I know someone else already said it, but you’re supremely retarded.
Morals don’t come from your gods - as proven by the fact that, you know, not every atheist or agnostic runs around with a baby hanging off their dick while stabbing old ladies in the neck.
Incidentally, The Crusades.
Yeah, you guys sure are all about the sanctity of life.
Right up until one of you gets the idea that those brown people over there aren’t worshiping the right god, and that they need to die now.
September 25th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Christ, will people just give it up. Nobody can predict the future. Nobody can read Obama better than the next man over. Right now all that we have is Obama’s word and the word of people who are just really scared of what Obama might do if we’ve misjudged him. They’re both equally good standpoints, as we shouldn’t be too trusting, but we also shouldn’t be completely retarded pretending like we’re mystics looking straight into the future seeing what he’s going to do.
All of you are thinking, none of you KNOW. You need to stop pretending like you KNOW because you all sound like douches. None of you are convincing eachother of ANYTHING, you’re just releasing steam and feeling good that you told the other person off. What is the point? You’re the only one who thinks that you told the other person off! They think you’ve made an ass of yourself! This isn’t progress, this is a cycle of retardation.
Gah, I don’t even know why I check the comments anymore.
September 25th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Some people easily shoot thousands and thousands of rounds a year. Target shooting is a hobby. I don’t shoot often, but I easily go through 2000-3000rds/year.
Hunting is a way of life for some people, and a hobby for others. Keep your mind open. Buying ammunition doesn’t automatically mean you are preparing for a revolution.
September 25th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Good Lord some of you are retarded. When I’m shooting regularly I’ll easily go through a few hundred rounds a DAY (especially if I’m plinking with a .22).
Make no mistake, Obama is the absolute most anti-gun President we’ve ever had. However, until he passes his current agenda, he’ll stay away from gun control to prevent having too many hot-button issues on the plate at once. If he tried to push through gun legislation right now, his approval rating would drop even farther.
Just wait and see.
September 25th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Actually I wasn’t even commenting on his grammar at all. It should have read:
@HP Says
“blah blah blah conservatives is *clinically* retarded” Hayuck.
Good argument. You waddling twat bag of syphillitic fagcock.
I was actually commenting on how he has absolutely nothing to bring to the table and only serves to polarize the two sides even more. Saying shit like this is just like that crazy conservative he’s thinking about screaming about how Obama wants to kill old people and take away gun rights. He still has poor grammar though.
September 25th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
“No Christian God, no Allah, no Buddha, nobody. Where do everyone’s morals go? Down the toilet. Religion gives people something to work for, a reason to be a good person.”
Are you fucking kidding me dude? You actually need the wrath of an imaginary person in your life in order to keep you from going out and killing people? You sir, need psychiatric help. I for one learned from my own observation in life that killing people, robbing, and lighting babies on fire can cause grief in other people’s lives, and simply choose not to do those activities (not to mention a little thing called, uh, jail).
But hey, since you are obviously nuts I guess I am kind of glad that you have Jesus in your life to tell you not to stab the children that live next door to you.
Also, great article, as always.
September 25th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
After Hybrid Immigrants, I couldn’t stop laughing.
You know what I find interesting? Before, the Bush Administration was the cannon fodder for comedians. People thought when Obama was inaugurated that there wouldn’t be as much in our socio-political sphere to make fun of. The rhetoric of some people these days is so much more ridiculous than anything Bush or Palin could have said.
It’s a scary thing for me to say, but the persona of DOB is actually less mind-boggling than the mentality that he is lampooning in this article.
September 25th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Politics aside: If no anti-gun laws have been passed, then why buy bullets and then complain the prices of bullets are going up? It’s like everyone with a gun says “a democrat oh noes!” Didn’t Obama just sign a bill allowing people to carry guns in national parks?
I’m just confused why people would think they need to buy them anyways. There is no way a person can possibly use 15k bullets in his lifetime unless we were in a domestic war, in which case wouldnt the government be arming us anyways?
September 25th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Oh, and by “you people” I was referring to conservatives.
September 25th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Hey, Black Man–
I guess Fox “News” doesn’t tell you about all the Democrats who are disapointed in Obama’s performance so far. From clinging to Bush policies, to failing to investigate torture, to his failure to be as open and transparent as he promised, he’s left a lot of us wanting Obama the candidate back.
As for me, I think all theistic religions are stupid. It’s just that we have to deal with stupid Christians a lot more than stupid Muslims.
Also, I like the way you brainlessly regurgitate right-wing propaganda to prove you’re not a brainless follower. But then, irony was always lost on you people.
Oh, well. 14 isn’t terminal. With any luck you’ll grow out of the ignorant opinions you no doubt gleaned from your inbred parents.
September 25th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Hm? What the Hell is going on, here…
September 25th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
I think that this article was well crafted, and that DOB is clearly a very talented writer. The political does not help or hinder his writing ability, but rather augments his repertoire. This article is very funny, poignant, along the lines of his style. Just because you may disagree with the politics doesn’t mean the article is not funny. And if you read the article from a right wing point of view, you should have gone into reading it knowing what it was going to be, rather than attacking the author when you finished reading.
September 25th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
I love how liberals are so ready to call us conservatives brainless followers, yet they so blindly follow Obama and everything he says.
Less than 16% of citizens in the US do not have health insurance. Most of them CHOOSE not to buy it. This insanely retarded health care reform would ruin the best system in the world, take away more of the average American’s freedom, and hurt more people than it would help.
Also, about all of this Christian bashing, I believe I speak for all of us (Christians, although I am Catholic) when I say IT NEEDS TO STOP. It’s funny how they will change anything to make people of other religions feel comfortable, yet when someone calls Christians idiots, everyone laughs. Also to prove a point, I’ll say there is no God, just for a minute. No Christian God, no Allah, no Buddha, nobody. Where do everyone’s morals go? Down the toilet. Religion gives people something to work for, a reason to be a good person.
The “Stimulus Package” released earlier this year was really for the most part a chance for Obama to pass a bunch of liberal bills and grants on their agenda while disguising it as a boost to the economy.
The Founding Fathers of our great nation had in mind how shitty government can get sometimes, and that is one of the main reasons for the Second Amendment. If we think stuff is getting out of hand, we’ll march up to the White House with all of our guns and we’ll tell Barack what the fuck needs to happen. A FUCKING REVOLUTION.
By the way, I’m 14. I’m also one of the smartest kids in my school of around 800.
September 25th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
@Jason: Nah, they’re all pretty retarded.
September 25th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
I agree with Trimegistus. Every DOB article used to be gold until it just became politics a couple weeks ago. I honestly don’t even know why he’s fighting for the Obama cause, the vast majority of the country has already drank the Kool Aid.
September 25th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
While I’m on your side on the issue, I do agree that the political statement was rather thinly veiled, and the actual comedy minimal. These stories about several members of the Cracked staff getting together for an adventure are all starting to sound pretty much the same. Also, the abrupt ending was quite disappointing. It felt like the article never really hit its stride, and then all of a sudden it ended.
@ BIGMIKE: You, sir, are the winner.
September 25th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
So is it hard to write when you’ve got your whole head up a President’s rectum? I guess if you can touch-type it’s no big deal.
September 25th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
I’m not sure which was funnier.
The article or the wingnuts crawling out of the wood works and in to the comment section.
September 25th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
“I guess I’ll begin with the truth,” I said.
“OBJECTION,” Swaim shouted. Brockway shook his head violently.
“No,” the judge said, “I’m… I’m going to allow the truth.”
Haha, gold. DOB, Swaim and Brockway rolled into one giant, pulsating , phallus-shaped blob of funny.
September 25th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Yes, these ammo hoarding retards are retards.
September 25th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
I was really enjoying the read until it just ended. I’m disappointed but everything else was great.
September 25th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Yeah! damn price hikes in bullets.
Not all of us can afford these exorbitant prices for out ammunition!
How am I supposed to defend myself from the bio-hybrid zombie immigrant socialist gaybamas, with only 500 rounds for my howitzer? I cant even afford to arm my M2! what if an armored column shows up?
September 25th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
I’m buying all the bullets to make a bullet fortress to protect myself from people who have less bullets than me.
September 25th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
EXCUSE ME, BuT if I wannA Preetect my right to piss away Mah Food Stamps on ammo THEN ITS MY SECOND AMMENDMENT RIGHT GAWD DAMNIT!
Who Cares if that BITCH thinks I shoudl Spend it on feeding the damn 12 kids, FUCK’M.
THOSE DAMN LIBRALS! They ThiNK they so CLEEVER wit there fancy Egucation, they dont even REELISE NOBAMA IS BLACK!!!
September 25th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
@pyrojack889
Sorry, I’m just really anal-retentive about English. Hashmir is right. “A significant portion” is the subject of the sentence, not “conservatives.” Therefore, since “portion” is singular the verb of the sentence really would be “is.”
Ok, back to all your polite political discussions, everyone.
“@ Hashmir
“Buckshot Jones says:
“@ HP Says
“Conservatives is *clinically* retarded.” Hayuck.
Good argument. You waddling twat bag of syphillitic fagcock.”
I believe he said “a significant portion of conservatives is *clinically* retarded.” Don’t start accusing people of having poor grammar until you learn the rules, please.”
Dude, it’s still incorrect grammar. it should be “ARE clinically retarded”. take your own advice, please.”
September 25th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
I thought that was hilarious. My only problem is, what are that on trial for?
September 25th, 2009 at 11:56 am
I love how when someone calls another person a bible-thumper it’s fine, but if you make fun of any other religion that’s discrimination.
September 25th, 2009 at 11:49 am
I’m glad you don’t decide to “stay the fuck out of politics” as some people are demanded. Very funny article, and unfortunately, dead on. I’m sick of hearing the same brain-dead, hypocritical whining from my few conservative friends. Cant even laugh at it anymore, the ignorance is so profound.
September 25th, 2009 at 11:47 am
im going to agree with dushanbe, shut the fuck up people. don’t know if you study american history but here’s an old sayings for you:
“United we stand divided we fall”
and here is the oldest effective military strategy:
“Divide and conquer” ;D
September 25th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Oh. My. God.
Those fools, they brought up politics on The Internet…and these comments aren’t moderated!
It’ll be like the Wild West in here….only substantially more retarded.
September 25th, 2009 at 11:45 am
“If, for example, we were suddenly forbidden from buying bullets because of Soc… Socialist Health Gay Care”
hahaha, interesting perspective there…
September 25th, 2009 at 11:43 am
@ Hashmir
“Buckshot Jones says:
“@ HP Says
“Conservatives is *clinically* retarded.” Hayuck.
Good argument. You waddling twat bag of syphillitic fagcock.”
I believe he said “a significant portion of conservatives is *clinically* retarded.” Don’t start accusing people of having poor grammar until you learn the rules, please.”
Dude, it’s still incorrect grammar. it should be “ARE clinically retarded”. take your own advice, please.
September 25th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Every time theres a political article, all the political nuts (right-wing AND left-wing) start going nuts in the comments. Seriously guys, STFU.
Article was great though.
September 25th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Swaim could defend me anytime, or next time. I would also like to buy some ammo off you guys. I can’t seem to find any.
September 25th, 2009 at 10:57 am
“and I know a lot of you are liberals, fine, seeing as most liberals barely have jobs and don’t tale responsibility for a damn thing they do they have time to try to make funny shit up.”
Just like most conservatives are ignorant, bible-thumping, science-haters, (well the list can go on, but you get my point) right?
September 25th, 2009 at 10:53 am
i’m slow clapping while i dictate this comment to my co-worker to type.
September 25th, 2009 at 10:51 am
“I guess I’ll begin with the truth,” I said.
“OBJECTION,” Swaim shouted.
-
Uh… Hy… Hybrid cars, is that one of the things we’re mad at?
PRICELESS.
September 25th, 2009 at 10:48 am
I’m sick of politics. It perpetuates false stereotypes.
But I still thoroughly enjoyed this article. Thanks DOB.
September 25th, 2009 at 10:48 am
My friends recommended me a very interesting place ~~~ AgelessFriends.com ~~~ It’s a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. You may wanna check it out or tell your friends.
September 25th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Buckshot Jones says:
“@ HP Says
“Conservatives is *clinically* retarded.” Hayuck.
Good argument. You waddling twat bag of syphillitic fagcock.”
I believe he said “a significant portion of conservatives is *clinically* retarded.” Don’t start accusing people of having poor grammar until you learn the rules, please.
September 25th, 2009 at 10:40 am
As usual, the far-right Obamaphobes are shitting their pants over a mostly-untrue story. Check out Snopes:
http://www.snopes.com/politics/guns/casings.asp
Note the part where it says the used-casing policy was started under BUSH and undone under OBAMA.
September 25th, 2009 at 10:36 am
This is such a great comment I just have to quote it:
“What’s hillarious to me about the ammo-stockpilers is the fact they think they could actually fight against the U.S. Never mind the fact that these people are also usually staunch supporters of the U.S. military (”we used to have a president that DEFENDED us!”) Never mind that the U.S. has only been engaging in OFFENSIVE tactics, save our paultry attempt to fight Al Quaida which was quickly abandonded, if people were to violently rebel then who do you think they would be rebelling against? Tree-hugging liberals? No, the U.S. would send in the National Guard as well as their newly created domestic-branch of the Army (http://www.salon.com/opinion/greenwald/2008/09/24/army/)
Yes, I realize that there are people who use guns only for hunting and that are legitametly stockpiling ammo as a reaction to the inflating prices, but if you spend 5 minutes on the internet, and a little more time in the “real” world chatting with people, you will realize there really is a considerable amount of people who insinuate rebelling against “Obama”.
Here’s a newsflash: “Obama” is not the U.S. Any sort of armed rebellion would be squashed in minutes, by any president.
However, it’s interesting that peope still believe in the American Dream now-a-days: this idea that you can work your ass off and climb up the free market and stake a claim for you, your family, and your sweet fenced-off backyard (complete with BBQ grill) and that any form of Socialism is meant to squash that dream when the reality is, that socialist movements created the regulation on many industries-run-amok at the beginning of the 20th century and that this eventually lead to this idea of the so-alled “American Dream” in the first place! This runs in parallel to the reality that there is no American Dream, that if you look at the opinion of most people from the 90’s through to the present, many are quick to say that Congress is full of fat-cat politicians that only want to serve special interests. That is the reality folks! Consider even more that “Socialism” comes from the philosophy of increasing and defending the quality of life for the common person and you really have a strange situation where the “everyman”, these people who just want to live their lives in peace, hunting and drinking beer with their family, end up defending the very system that tries to limit them to doing nothing more than just that!
It’s even more mind-boggling that people perceive the current economic collapse (and it IS collapsing, all of it, the entire system…but that’s a different topic) as the fault of the Obama administration’s “wasteful” spending philosophy. Think about it: they consider it “wasteful” to divert funds towards PUBLIC (for the people) projects but it is NOT wasteful to send billions of dollars over-seas to fight wars that have no visibile effect on the public here.
It’s crazy. It’s almost Orwellian! Somehow The Powers That Be have managed to take your average man and convince him that he really doesn’t want the government to spend money on him, but rather he wants the government to spend money on its own national expansion. Oil prices didn’t drop after the war in Iraq, we’re not safer, we’re STILL fighting in Afghanistan, Osama Bin Laden is STILL alive…what have we gained? And now that the idea of spending money on the populace is even suggested peopel flip out and want to rebel?
We trully are living in strange times and I think DOB summed it up quite well: it’s all just so RETARDED.”
September 25th, 2009 at 10:29 am
Stay the #uck away from politics!
I read this site daily - and I know a lot of you are liberals, fine, seeing as most liberals barely have jobs and don’t tale responsibility for a damn thing they do they have time to try to make funny s#it up.
Also do what you can to keep in mind that obama’s ratings are dropping and sropping fast. Even if you (for some reason probably linked to extra chromosomes) still believe obama is worth used toilet paper - a damn lot of people are realizing he is not. Only the truly self induced (by gouging their eyes out) blind followers are not figuring it out.
All and all, don’t post political crap on this site - unless you actuallt get good political satirists to write for the site.
September 25th, 2009 at 10:28 am
This was just on TMZ… I couldn’t believe it! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=18&sku=ENGL-CD00429 But then again…
September 25th, 2009 at 10:25 am
@ buckshot jones
touché
September 25th, 2009 at 10:25 am
As a staunch supporter of…blah…blah…blah…. left-gun nuts who make it their duty to uphold the constitution…squak squak …..socialist Obamunism and the lobbyists who support it to fill their fat pockets with… blah blah blah.. blah.. while all the Conservatives have no right to demand such…yadda yadda yadda.
In conclusion, what I’m proposing is that we educate ourselves and try to hold onto our diminishing sanity as we sit back and watch the fucking world burn.
Obama’s real job is to look busy and pretend give a fuck as we make the not-so-smooth transition into the inevitable totalitarian police state that’s been in the works for the last few decades.
All theses so-called “crazies” that are stock-piling ammunition are most likely concerned with the growing military presence in their local towns, who have been setting up “terrorist” checkpoints lately and kidnapping protesters outside of the G20 Summit meetings for expressing too much freedom.
Coupled with the fact that in the event that a few people die from a common cold this winter, the Powers-that-Be can declare another phony swine flu pandemic and use martial law to enforce vaccinations, setting up quarantines, shutting down entire towns and schools, and to make use of those fancy new FEMA detention centers spread out all over the country. Any dissenters will be fined up to $1,000 a day for refusing the shots and spend an indefinite amount of time locked up like a dirty-ass criminal.
A gun nut with 25,000 rounds of ammunition just might be the handiest guy to have around during such an event. Unless, you know, they get stripped of all their registered weapons just like all those Hurricane Katrina victims, as well as the residents who were in high and dry places and suffered no loss the entire time. Essentially making them easy pickings for any would be criminal who owns illegal firearms and is desperate for some cash and rape-pussy.
It’s better to go down blasting than dying slowly from untested poisons being pushed by the twisted pharmaceutical industries.
The world is not just retarded, it is a sick evil institution that aims to downsize the world population through a a new time-released bio-weapon disguised as the mandatory swine flu inoculation, while Baxter makes a killing from the profits, literally and figuratively.
Like that article said, terrible shit has to happen in order to provide enough basic necessities for the remainder of the slave population. In a world full of abundance where the top %1 have more wealth than the bottom 95% of the entire human race, it sounds like business as usual.
Whatever, I’m talking to a bunch of college kids who are more concerned with giving DOB a blowjob while he’s taking a shit, than protecting our basic human rights and the future of our children.
Great column, though. Thanks for the entertainment, Dan.
September 25th, 2009 at 10:19 am
This article makes me sad. DOB, I am upset that you did not include the word boner in the story, like you usually do.
September 25th, 2009 at 10:02 am
@ HP Says
“Conservatives is *clinically* retarded.” Hayuck.
Good argument. You waddling twat bag of syphillitic fagcock.
September 25th, 2009 at 10:00 am
Exile ,please go live in another palne of existance , seriusly please just go away…..
September 25th, 2009 at 9:46 am
DOB, you’re a master at the comment section manipulation you pull in your articles. Rabid liberals think they’re sharing some condescending joke with you about the other side’s stupidity, rabid conservatives wanna rip you apart for being one of them turrurrists and everyone else gets another laugh in addition to the comedy you’ve already given.
Keep it up, homie. You’re golden.
September 25th, 2009 at 9:43 am
“Obama’s health care plan is starting to look a little more like car insurance - you are required to pay for it. Same as how if you don’t have a car you don’t pay for car insurance…if you don’t have a job you don’t pay for health insurance”
Umm… if I don’t have a car, the State does not step in and force me to buy car insurance anyway, or give it to me for “free.” It also doesn’t destroy competition between private auto insurance companies by creating a “free” auto insurance that’s paid for by taxpayers and cannot go out of business by losing money. There is no point of comparison between Obamacare and auto insurance.
September 25th, 2009 at 9:42 am
I liked the ending.
September 25th, 2009 at 9:39 am
I wish I had enough weed to get through the douchetarded political rantings of the commenters today.
September 25th, 2009 at 9:37 am
One badass effect of making ammo too expensive to purchase: a rise in shuriken-related deaths.
Gun-toting pussies should be hunting and fighting with their bare hands or, at most, unwieldy pieces of sharpened metal, like MEN.
September 25th, 2009 at 9:33 am
That’s it!? That’s how you end the article!? “It’s just,” the prosecutor said, faltering. “It’s just all so retarded.“ And, that’s all!? COME ON!!!! Give me something better! Have the courtroom explode! Have you and Brockway go to jail! Have Gladstone start shooting up the courtroom, leading to an awesome gunfight between him and you and Brockway! Have you throw a smokebomb to escape, but instead of actually escaping, you end up having sex with a hot lady juror when the smoke clears! GIVE ME SOMETHING, DOB!!!!
September 25th, 2009 at 9:32 am
Every time DOB publishes an article, the comments are like proof that a significant portion of conservatives is *clinically* retarded.
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you people?
September 25th, 2009 at 9:31 am
“Making ammunition more expensive would probably be the most effective way to cut down on gun-based violence. Nobody’s going to shoot someone with a $1000 bullet unless they REALLY wanted them dead.”
Sure, because criminals would NEVER think of starting a black-market bullet trade. Why, that would be… against the law!
September 25th, 2009 at 9:30 am
Haha, I enjot satire like this, good job.
September 25th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Anyone else read this article, and immediately thought to themselves
“Maybe this article will be safe of bul#$#$3 comments. Maybe the people he’s making fun of actually don’t own computers”
Damn technology spreading
September 25th, 2009 at 9:20 am
What can I say that hasn’t been said before? I love it. I wish courts were governed by D.O’B.’s rules. The Minnesota Rules of Criminal Procedure are just lame by comparison.
September 25th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Based on a true story, no doubt.
September 25th, 2009 at 9:17 am
Why is it that when a liberal president has a large following, it’s because everybody’s “jumping on the bandwagon,” but when a conserative candidate has a large following, he’s simply the people’s candidate?
September 25th, 2009 at 9:16 am
Ended too aburptly. Looks like you just gave up.
Loved the hybrid immigrants though.
September 25th, 2009 at 9:12 am
PS. DOB, I want your babies.
September 25th, 2009 at 9:10 am
Best article since forever. LMFBO!
September 25th, 2009 at 9:07 am
THis needs to be made into a video.
September 25th, 2009 at 9:06 am
“Making ammunition more expensive would probably be the most effective way to cut down on gun-based violence.”
Dumbest thing i have read today. Ofcourse, everyone knows that gun violence stems from purchases at legit gun stores, which is where the ammo is expensive!!! Gun violence comes from criminal market sales.
People would vote for Ron Paul if he was worth a damn.
Politician = Politician (rep or dem) Good conservatives know this and were very disapointed that we had McCain anywhere near the white house. The guy, just like Bush, would have spent like a liberal.
Liberalism is unbelievebly anti-consitution. This country was created because of the abolition of absolutism - englands monarchy. Now, thanks to the liberal methodology driven into our government by both Democrats and republicans we are heading in the direction of absolutism.
“Heil Obama” Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot…..
September 25th, 2009 at 9:04 am
You nod your head yes, not shake it…
Also… too many people are drinking the kool-aid.
September 25th, 2009 at 9:03 am
What’s hillarious to me about the ammo-stockpilers is the fact they think they could actually fight against the U.S. Never mind the fact that these people are also usually staunch supporters of the U.S. military (”we used to have a president that DEFENDED us!”) Never mind that the U.S. has only been engaging in OFFENSIVE tactics, save our paultry attempt to fight Al Quaida which was quickly abandonded, if people were to violently rebel then who do you think they would be rebelling against? Tree-hugging liberals? No, the U.S. would send in the National Guard as well as their newly created domestic-branch of the Army (http://www.salon.com/opinion/greenwald/2008/09/24/army/)
Yes, I realize that there are people who use guns only for hunting and that are legitametly stockpiling ammo as a reaction to the inflating prices, but if you spend 5 minutes on the internet, and a little more time in the “real” world chatting with people, you will realize there really is a considerable amount of people who insinuate rebelling against “Obama”.
Here’s a newsflash: “Obama” is not the U.S. Any sort of armed rebellion would be squashed in minutes, by any president.
However, it’s interesting that peope still believe in the American Dream now-a-days: this idea that you can work your ass off and climb up the free market and stake a claim for you, your family, and your sweet fenced-off backyard (complete with BBQ grill) and that any form of Socialism is meant to squash that dream when the reality is, that socialist movements created the regulation on many industries-run-amok at the beginning of the 20th century and that this eventually lead to this idea of the so-alled “American Dream” in the first place! This runs in parallel to the reality that there is no American Dream, that if you look at the opinion of most people from the 90’s through to the present, many are quick to say that Congress is full of fat-cat politicians that only want to serve special interests. That is the reality folks! Consider even more that “Socialism” comes from the philosophy of increasing and defending the quality of life for the common person and you really have a strange situation where the “everyman”, these people who just want to live their lives in peace, hunting and drinking beer with their family, end up defending the very system that tries to limit them to doing nothing more than just that!
It’s even more mind-boggling that people perceive the current economic collapse (and it IS collapsing, all of it, the entire system…but that’s a different topic) as the fault of the Obama administration’s “wasteful” spending philosophy. Think about it: they consider it “wasteful” to divert funds towards PUBLIC (for the people) projects but it is NOT wasteful to send billions of dollars over-seas to fight wars that have no visibile effect on the public here.
It’s crazy. It’s almost Orwellian! Somehow The Powers That Be have managed to take your average man and convince him that he really doesn’t want the government to spend money on him, but rather he wants the government to spend money on its own national expansion. Oil prices didn’t drop after the war in Iraq, we’re not safer, we’re STILL fighting in Afghanistan, Osama Bin Laden is STILL alive…what have we gained? And now that the idea of spending money on the populace is even suggested peopel flip out and want to rebel?
We trully are living in strange times and I think DOB summed it up quite well: it’s all just so RETARDED.
September 25th, 2009 at 8:58 am
Actually, people are buying guns and ammo due to the anti-gun stances of Obama and co. and their anti-gun history. This, coupled with fear over Obama’s policies (like wanting a paramilitary force that answers directly to the fed, which is unconstitutional) and his love of things like trying to force the military to melt their brass instead of reselling it for a profit, and many other underhanded tactics that have been seen before, are the reasons that people are buying ammo and guns as fast as they can.
September 25th, 2009 at 8:57 am
Politics are just a way to divide people. Remember the old saying, “United we stand, divided we fall!”? Am I the only one that thinks its sad the only way for people to really unite and work together is in the face of a major tragedy? Liberals and Conservatives both only have it half-right, and the things they have right are not what they focus on. Both sides have areas in which they seek to control human behavior. Both sides have areas they are willing to spend excessive amounts of money for absolutely no positive effect. Both sides are quick to pass judgment on others, be it religious groups, entire races, and/or political/social groups. The only things both sides have in common are that they accept money from corporate lobbyists to fund their political campaigns and agendas, and that they never do anything good for We The People. Then again, I’m still able to make ends meet, so they never do anything TOO bad for We The People either. Its just all the petty issues we complain about to an excessive extent. That’s why we make fun of them: they are stupid issues that just distract us from more important things.
September 25th, 2009 at 8:57 am
I was actually surprised that, not only did O’Brien not start sucking off Obama yet again, but he actually made a good point.
If you are one of those hoarders, here’s two (2) things you need to know:
1: Fuck you for making me pay $0.75 per round for .380 ammo. .380!
2: Obama obviously has no respect for your rights, but he couldn’t possibly be stupid enough to think he won’t get his ass voted out if he tries to make a move on them. It’d be career suicide for both him and the Democrat majority. They’re not going to try it, so RELAX and let someone else have a crack at the ordnance.
September 25th, 2009 at 8:50 am
I stock up on bullets to defend myself from those rabid anti-Obamites. While I’m not Obama’s #1 fan, I don’t like the extremist views held by his opposition. I believe that they are doing damage to our cause by alienating potential supporters with their stereotypical antics. We gun enthusiasts are defamed by the wackos.
September 25th, 2009 at 8:44 am
Comparing Obama to Bush is pointless. Recently out of curiosity, I took a peek at the American Conservative magazine and pretty much every conservative comment in there said, “Well, of course Bush sucks. We all think that. The question is will McCain be better. Even then, it was more about having office seats for conservatives rather than having McCain for president. Considering how mixed the seats are now, I guess it worked out for everyone in that article.
September 25th, 2009 at 8:41 am
Did any of you asshats who jumped right to “OMG TYPICAL ANTI-GUN LIBERAL FAG” read through the entire article?
Yeah, he’s making fun of people stockpiling ammo. It’s because they bitch that “taxes” are raising prices on it when it’s their own artificial inflation of demand that’s jacking prices up. I can testify to that fact; I just bought a P229 in 40 cal, and paid damn near 50 cents a round for fmj target rounds. It was about $1.50 a round for the jhp I have for defense.
The ONLY ISSUE AT PLAY IN THIS ARTICLE is dumbasses driving themselves to bankruptcy by buying up ammo left and right.
September 25th, 2009 at 8:38 am
Great article. I got a good laugh from this one.
Making ammunition more expensive would probably be the most effective way to cut down on gun-based violence. Nobody’s going to shoot someone with a $1000 bullet unless they REALLY wanted them dead. If someone holds a gun up and says “give me your wallet or I shoot” and you’ve only got $20 on you, they’re won’t shoot you cause it’ll be a loss.
Anyways…I took the article not as a political stance but more the idiocracy of America in that people are stockpiling ammunition because other people are stockpiling ammunition, not because they actually feel threatened; complaining about the rising cost of ammunition when the only reason it’s going up is that they’re buying so much of it. And how a lot of people call Obama a communist (really?) without doing a whole lot of research into what his policies entail.
Obama’s health care plan is starting to look a little more like car insurance - you are required to pay for it. Same as how if you don’t have a car you don’t pay for car insurance…if you don’t have a job you don’t pay for health insurance (i think it becomes part of unemployment benefits for a period of time that does not equal forever).
September 25th, 2009 at 8:37 am
Isn’t this article making fun of anti-obamites?
as a matter of fact the last sentence pretty much calls their actions retarded, if i can read correctly….
September 25th, 2009 at 8:32 am
I haven’t read cracked in a long time…
I’m glad this was the one to welcome me back.
funny as always.
September 25th, 2009 at 8:30 am
What a great article.
Leela, how can you be so maleable that you can read someone’s comments on SOMETHING YOU LIKED and then have it “ruined”?
It’s a good article. Accept it. In fact, retarded comments should reinforce what you think!
Now to the best part….THE COMMENTS! hahahha
September 25th, 2009 at 8:27 am
funny article. I was actually getting a bit tired of the “cracked writers ensamble” type of writing but this one reinivgorated me. Good shit.
September 25th, 2009 at 8:26 am
“Did you even vote?”
Conservatives HAD NO CANDIDATE. McCain is just as big a Lib as Obama. He would have done many of the same things, only slower.
September 25th, 2009 at 8:12 am
Reading the comments on your articles almost ruin them for me, Dan.
Which is sad.
I loved this.
It was brilliant.
September 25th, 2009 at 8:12 am
Considering the number of angry anti-obamites (is that a word? It is now!) that seem to come out of the woodwork on a COMEDY site it really begs to question:
With how pissed off you all are, where were you on election day? Where were you when the democrats took back the senate and the house a few years ago?
You seem perfectly content to get disproportionately mad about anything on a COMEDY website, but none of you want to take any steps to do anything about it.
Did you even vote?
But…you know what…stay here and make ill-thought threats and insults that speak to your level of upbringing and class and next time a major political decision falls on your plate, do the thinking world a favor; go play fucking x-box and cry about it when the world didn’t listen to your insightful comments on a COMEDY website.
September 25th, 2009 at 8:08 am
“Obama’s administration is doing its best to fix the problems the previous one had no interest in fixing ”
Yeah, that other guy didn’t suck up to nearly enough terrorists and dictators! And his apology quotient was almost nonexistent. Good thing we have an aplogiser-in-chief now, instead of someone who defended America in both words (when you could understand them) and deeds.
September 25th, 2009 at 8:06 am
“Kakkorot, I can’t find a single source that says anything about brass and metal recycling being banned. Could you maybe post something to show that this is actually true and not something you “actually made up?””
What actually happened is that the DOD determined that all fired brass is now “Demil code B,” which prevents it from being sold to private manufacturers for reloading and resale. All “fired munitions of all calibers, shapes and sizes” must now be destroyed and sold as scrap (usually to China) instead of sold for reloading. It’s not an actual ban on ALL ammo recycling, nor has it gone through Congress as a law. The result is that ammuntion prices have skyrocketed, when any can be found for sale at all anymore.
September 25th, 2009 at 8:06 am
wierdly, EXACTLY as I read “One-Two”, The Next Episode started playing on my MP3 Player
September 25th, 2009 at 8:04 am
I’m gay
September 25th, 2009 at 8:01 am
I didn’t enjoy this
September 25th, 2009 at 7:59 am
DOB, I’ve been in love with your since your Jenny McCarthy article. You lost me a little bit with the whole kidnapping the president’s daughters thing, but I think you’ve brought me back around with this gem. You’re like Jonathon Swift of social satire but with more swearing.
September 25th, 2009 at 7:55 am
I love how, while Obama’s administration is doing its best to fix the problems the previous one had no interest in fixing (yet I do agree that the healthcare overhaul shouldn’t be rushed, it’s a huge change to implement), the best that right-wing people have to offer are racist barbs. Classy. Not like the left was much better during the Bush years, but they had legitimate horrible things to rail against.
September 25th, 2009 at 7:55 am
Note to self: stop reading the comments section after any politically influenced Cracked article.
Hilarious as usual, DOB. I like it when you and Brockway team up. It’s a good fit.
September 25th, 2009 at 7:47 am
Don’t buy them all, leave some(ALOT) for me to buy also dude!
September 25th, 2009 at 7:46 am
Political shitstorm incoming.
September 25th, 2009 at 7:34 am
How does Obama’s junk taste in your mouth DOB?
September 25th, 2009 at 7:33 am
Okay, I like a good satire, and the idiocy in this was funny, but… if there is no threat from the government, then why are you being prosecuted?
September 25th, 2009 at 7:31 am
Cracked just needs to get off the politics already and go back to doing funny articles! Also, Obama is a Fascist pig who needs to be deported back to Kenya! FUCK OBAMA!!! And Exile, you are a fucking genius for your comment!! At least someone has the balls to not drink from the Obama kool aid tank unlike every single Democrat and Liberal out there!
September 25th, 2009 at 7:28 am
Who’s stockpiling? Who can afford it? I can’t even get ammo to practice with. I’m down to a box of reloaded 9mm my friend gave me.
The second article link is actually funnier than D.O.B’s article, though. “30 odd 6″ and “40 millimeter”, indeed. Ha!
September 25th, 2009 at 7:26 am
Wanna find a tall partner???
Here is a nice place ——–Tallfinder (com) ———It’s where Tall singles looking for someone to enjoy their lifestyle with.You are just seconds away from taking that first step towards the life you have been longing for…
September 25th, 2009 at 7:24 am
Of course Kakkorot is lying. its one of the stupidest things i have ever heard.
And thank you uncle joseph. you may have changed the world with that comment *rolls eyes*
September 25th, 2009 at 7:17 am
Alight DOB I’m really happy for you and Ima let you finish but…
Swaim had the best political article of all time yo!
September 25th, 2009 at 7:16 am
Kakkorot, I can’t find a single source that says anything about brass and metal recycling being banned. Could you maybe post something to show that this is actually true and not something you “actually made up?”
September 25th, 2009 at 7:07 am
We can fuck up a whole lot of zombies with 2 billion bullets.
September 25th, 2009 at 7:03 am
I’m glad everyone is stock piling these bullets. You all know that part of Obama’s health care plan is making Americans into zombies, right? And we all know how much zombies hate bullets.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:59 am
“Can you blame me? Look, you’re screaming is just scaring the shit out of me, and this is what I do when I’m scared.”
…Why is it I can go days without seeing a single “you’re” on the internet, then whenever I do see one it’s WRONG?
September 25th, 2009 at 6:57 am
DOB,
at least you guys realize that the whole world laughs hard on North-America these days.
USA should stop looking to their own belly, so they could hear us laughing.. and should read a book too.
Att
Uncle_Joseph
September 25th, 2009 at 6:57 am
Have I mentioned how much you rock DOB? You’re the king!
September 25th, 2009 at 6:56 am
Except that Congress is also passing laws to ban brass and metal recycling, encouraged by Obama.
While this is not an assault on GUN ownership, there’s the simple fact that a huge portion of the ammunition market is dependent on recycled metals.
So, the main effects of this law are to make it exhorbitantly expensive to buy ammunition.
So…”crazy rednecks buying all the ammo” are kind of “actually aware” of the “laws being passed” and their “logical results” while “internet satirists” spend their time “blaming it on side effects”.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:56 am
Great article. I loved it.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:49 am
I’m a Republican, and this still made me laugh. I think a bipartisan resolution should be passed stating that DOB is hilarious.
Also, where is Seanbaby? I’m beginning to think he is an upstanding citizen that refuses to participate in the Cracked shenanigans.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:45 am
papajon Says:
“You know, politics and humor just totally bum me out. Yeah, I know its everywhere you lefties have made a career of ripping the shit out of conservatives and laughing the entire time you are doing it, but IMHO, Cracked would be way better without this kind of thing.”
—
Amen to that.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:42 am
# BostonRocco Says:
September 25th, 2009 at 6:21 am
Great job man. F-ing hilarious. Truly captured the basic nonsensical mindset of these retards.
No matter what you religious zealots say, Obama’s the man.
++++
Did you read the lyrics of that “song of praise” those NJ school kids had to sing? Your “man” thinks he’s the leader of a band of religious zealots! So congrats, you are now a religious zealot.
You know, politics and humor just totally bum me out. Yeah, I know its everywhere you lefties have made a career of ripping the shit out of conservatives and laughing the entire time you are doing it, but IMHO, Cracked would be way better without this kind of thing.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:35 am
Obama was the best gun salesman in america.
I wont go on against the army of left-leaning cracked followers or the occasional right. I will say DOB politics are painfully obvious through his increasingly worse articles and I would not expect a better view or opinion from a writer for cracked.com. Meanwhile some of the best articles are now user submitted. DOB has turned to politics to try and save his sinking ship. Don’t worry DOB, like Brittney Spears and Obama you will always have your die hard fans, no matter how looney you become.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:33 am
I love you guy.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:32 am
Why does it seem like the Republican Party has gotten WORSE? You think they would have learned something.
I mean, come the fuck on. I REALLY don’t want to vote Democrat the rest of my life. Hell, I voted third party for the House of Representatives AND the Senate because the major candidates sucked!
Fuck this shit. Politics in this country has gone to hell. I’ve half a mind to move to Canada.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:30 am
I need some .308
WTB .308
Right here…. .308
….
Nothing?
BAH!
Hippies!!
September 25th, 2009 at 6:30 am
You people may laugh now, but you’ll be the ones banging on the door of my secret guns-ammo-and-preserved-food-stuffed bunker begging to be let in when the shit hits the fan. If you knew where my secret bunker was, that is.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:26 am
this is seriously funny
September 25th, 2009 at 6:23 am
Mr. Right’s an asshat.
So are the screaming liberals that I see so much in the comments.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:22 am
Exile wrote: “It’s a shame that I don’t believe in the divinity of Jesus Christ, becuase that Marxist sack of Pelosi has all the qualities to be the Antichrist.”
I’m with you 100% on that one. But this:
“But fuck that sob. President Palin will deport his smug ass back to his native Kenya, Michelle Obama will go back to her former job as Bigfoot, and their brats, Screwy and Louie Obama will join ACORN’s child prostitution racket.”
Although I *did* laugh at that comment, I think you’re completely off-base.
Oh, and for those of you commenting about Exile’s comments being representative of conservative thought, have the words, “agent provacatuer,” crossed your minds?
And for the record, I think Michelle Obama is hot!
September 25th, 2009 at 6:21 am
“The prosecutor froze, like an ice shark.” cracked me the fuck up.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:21 am
i never comment, i read the articles and laugh or dont laugh, not everyone agrees with everyone everydamn minute of the day. its a fucking article. seriously, rightwing, leftwing, it doesnt matter. its a joke, and if you people dont like jokes. then go to a different goddamned site. sarcasm and satire. deal with it or dont.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:21 am
If they really wanted to take DOB, Brockway and Swaim to trial. All they’d have to do is look at some of their previous articles. DOB’s article about dealing with Swine Flu would probably be enough by itself.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:21 am
Great job man. F-ing hilarious. Truly captured the basic nonsensical mindset of these retards.
No matter what you religious zealots say, Obama’s the man.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:17 am
Mr. Right is an asshat
September 25th, 2009 at 6:15 am
Hey DOB, you probably don’t need me to tell you to ignore Mr. Right and all his stupid, neo-con bullshit, but I thought I would, anyway.
Ignore Mr. Right and all his stupid, neo-con bullshit.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:15 am
Alright, so when is this line of columns going to get off of the politics and back to the funny?
September 25th, 2009 at 6:08 am
DOB,
Even if you don’t seem to think it’s smart, what’s wrong with people spending their discretionary income as they please? Some people are worried about in impact of proposed retarded gun laws (like the Assault Weapons Ban, which could make a firearm illegal simply because it was in a “scary color.”)
If you want to talk about the Second Amendment and talk about how a “well regulated militia” means the government gets to regulate gun ownership, that’s cool. But notice that the founding fathers didn’t say “retardedly regulated militias.” Therefore, STUPID laws restricting firearms ownership are a bad thing.
If you read the article that you linked (in spoken conversation) you’ll see that gun store owners attribute most of the run on ammunition to people who heard about people stockpiling ammunition, so they ran out and bought ammunition because they didn’t want to run out during deer season.
The reason you heard about this at all is because there’s morons out there who think that all these people who are stockpiling ammunition so they can shoot the President, and the media, who decides what gets covered, has a vested interest in Obama’s political opponents looking like they’re nuts.
I wrote this last week, but I’m trying again because I really like this site. DOB, no one gives a shit what you actually think. Your readers read you because you’re generally funny. If you stick to targets where more than 52.7% of the audience can laugh, you’ll be funnier than now, where almost half the audience read it and shook their heads.
Also, a hint because I like you. Cockway is an actual socialist. If he uses the ammo you sell him to try to overthrow the government, you’ll be in a world of shit. I recommend you apply some stricter ammunition control regulations to him.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:07 am
It really depresses me that people like Exile exist. That’s not your typical, salt-of-the-Earth, can-still-engage-in-rational-conversation Republican right there. That’s the kind of dangerous-if-he-wasn’t-so-pathetic nutjob who daydreams about blowing blowing Ann Coulter as he marches on Washington with a misspelled sign that reads “I’m not armmed… this time.”
September 25th, 2009 at 6:01 am
OMG no way dude that is tiotally KRAZY!
RT
http://www.privacy-web.pro.tc
September 25th, 2009 at 6:01 am
You JUST missed one, adhd. But if you pause for just a second and kinda tilt your head, you can still hear the crazy.
Seriously, Exile. There’s no way a fully-functional human mind truly believes Sarah Palin has any sort of future in politics, unless you count having Fox News on in the background while she’s vacuuming the living room.
September 25th, 2009 at 5:58 am
Let me preemptively say: Fucking librulz taking over Cracked rabble rabble.
September 25th, 2009 at 5:57 am
I lol’d a house.
September 25th, 2009 at 5:47 am
hehe im just waiting for all the fucktarded ppl to comment lol, comparing Obama to a fucking commie lmao, go read a book
September 25th, 2009 at 5:46 am
Maybe it has something to do with Adolf Obama being a National Socialist? It’s a shame that I don’t believe in the divinity of Jesus Christ, becuase that Marxist sack of Pelosi has all the qualities to be the Antichrist.
But fuck that sob. President Palin will deport his smug ass back to his native Kenya, Michelle Obama will go back to her former job as Bigfoot, and their brats, Screwy and Louie Obama will join ACORN’s child prostitution racket.
September 25th, 2009 at 5:44 am
It… wasn’t supposed to be veiled, Rev JSH. Did you pat yourself on the back when you figured out Stephen Colbert’s sarcasm too? *Spoiler Alert*
Also, “Your pedestal was pretty thinly veiled” is What She Said.
September 25th, 2009 at 5:44 am
Your characterization of inner-city youths is offensive.
September 25th, 2009 at 5:41 am
smokey mcpot,
Why is it that everytime people criticize capitalism, someone chimes in with “Why don’t you just move to Cuba then?!” As if turning in to Cuba is only possible outcome for a nation that develops socialized healthcare. Why immediately jump to such an extreme conclusion? Isn’t that a bit unreasonable?
And stockpiling ammunition? Really? Don’t you think that this kind of paranoia actually makes a societal breakdown MORE likely?
September 25th, 2009 at 5:38 am
the mental picture of swaim holding up a sign that says “immigrants” made my month.
DOB, you are one hilarious man.
September 25th, 2009 at 5:38 am
very nice stuff
September 25th, 2009 at 5:33 am
My God, the brillance in the ‘bullshitting’ of your fictious writing is nothing short of supreme litterary works, i demand nothing short of a nobel prize in biochemistry on the bases that you are the first person to divulge in the ability to make one shit their pants via fictious text
September 25th, 2009 at 5:32 am
It’s been a while since we’ve had one of the “partners in crime” articles with DOB and his co-bloggers. YAAAAAAY! It was worth the wait.
September 25th, 2009 at 5:32 am
“Like a shark prosecutor who just cornered some other fish in Ocean Court, and like the shark was real proud of itself, because it was a lawyer.”
“The Prosecutor froze, like an ice shark.”
Fucking awesome.
September 25th, 2009 at 5:26 am
Lol fantastic article! I loved the inclusion of Brockway and Swaim, I read a comment a while ago about you guys havin your own tv show, that would be an epic win!!!
September 25th, 2009 at 5:25 am
Very amusing DOB. Keep up the good work.
September 25th, 2009 at 5:21 am
I can honestly say this was the first DOB article that i wasn’t thrilled with. Still good, just … I’ve set such high standards for you, Sir.
Now i have to wait a whole week
September 25th, 2009 at 4:57 am
Your pedestal was pretty thinly veiled this time around, DOB, but still funny.
September 25th, 2009 at 4:49 am
My friend recommended me a very interesting place
________ M i l l i o n A i r e c h a t s. C O M_________ .It is the best dating club for seeking the rich singles, beauties and even hot celebs..what’s the most important is:you dont have to be a millionaire.but you can meet one. I think everyone need to meet some miracle after all the terrible stuff in the news and the economy.______TTTTTTTT_____
September 25th, 2009 at 4:48 am
The link to the kidnapping guide is wrong.
September 25th, 2009 at 4:46 am
Well done! I love the fact that you brought up the link in spoken conversation. Hilarious.
September 25th, 2009 at 4:40 am
i really did not want to be the first asstard to comment. funny as always. a little awkward trying to stifle laughs at work. i think i farted on my coworker. keep writing. i may keep reading.
September 25th, 2009 at 4:37 am
We in the rest of the world have long been expecting the inevitable flashpoint at which every American just starts shooting at every other American.
How will we survive in the aftermath?
Well… I suppose we’ll manage.
September 25th, 2009 at 4:37 am
Funny, but I don’t think I get the ending… kind of hastily done. Did you have to take a shit or something?
September 25th, 2009 at 4:34 am
nice work, this article and your last one are good.
September 25th, 2009 at 4:29 am
“he was impressed with how many bullets I can fit in my mouth (so many)”
…lungs…hurt from laughing….
September 25th, 2009 at 4:22 am
2/10 good topic poor amounts of humor
September 25th, 2009 at 4:19 am
“It’s just all so retarded.”
You know what’s really retarded? Broccoli. Fuck that plant.
September 25th, 2009 at 4:18 am
ALL the bullets