Individual stupidity is usually measured on a sliding scale based on the number of crocodiles your head is inside, but this isn’t a list of individual stupid people. It’s a list of types of people who are very likely to be individually stupid.
#7. Kids on Children Shows
Any actor on a kid’s show that isn’t dressed as an alien or a bear is a complete idiot. They run into streets, they drink bleach, and if a stranger says he has a cookie in his pants, they’ll sprain their wrists grabbing for it. And all of these horrible things remind nearby creatures of songs. Do you realize that there’s an entire generation of children whose first interaction with education is watching traffic accidents and handjobs get interrupted by rapping dinosaurs? Good luck, Future.
Why They’re So Stupid:
Besides basic safety procedures, most puppets only know songs about the alphabet. If you’re over the age of three, hearing that all day is just going to make you dumber.
#6. Airport Security Guards
When you apply for a job as an airport screener, you are shown a jar containing three jelly beans and asked to guess how many are inside. If you guess correctly, you are placed in a holding cell and tortured until you give up the bomb’s location (nice try, Muhammad). If you guess incorrectly, you are given a coupon for a free hug. If you throw the jar of jelly beans into a wall safe and scream for everyone to clear the airport, you are immediately hired.
You’re only allowed to bring three ounces of liquid on a plane. Kind of. You might have a four-ounce bottle of toothpaste that’s almost empty, but airport security guards are so stupid they’re not allowed to do that kind of math. This is a problem, but I have an idea. Since we don’t have enough money to hire dentists to inspect everyone’s toothpaste, we should put a chimpanzee at each checkpoint. Then, every passenger gets to select two items from their bags to carry into battle against the chimp. This will not only quickly identify each commuter’s two best weapons, but if they choose toothpaste, hold on, there’s something up with this guy’s toothpaste.
Why They’re So Stupid:
The idea is to make them so dumb that they’re impossible to trick. But man they’re going to look like geniuses when the first old lady tries to drive a jetliner into the Statue of Liberty and her plan falls apart because her mouthwash wasn’t in her carry-on.
#5. Cops in Sci-Fi Movies
As a rule, people in movies haven’t ever seen a movie. They’re not equipped to deal with anything strange. Now, if you or I saw a naked man drop through a hole in reality and walk through 50 bullets to put his fist through our stomach, we’d die knowing that we’ve made a robot from the future very happy. A guy in a movie, though, he has no idea what happened. He’ll use his dying words to argue how robots don’t exist, and even if they did, they wouldn’t be able to smile!
As slow as people are to accept that they’re dealing with the supernatural, cops are always the last ones to catch on. They can watch the Blob dissolve through a kindergarten and suggest out loud that they must have drank too much this morning. No matter what, a cop in a science fiction movie uses drugs as the explanation for everything. Did a dead body get up and eat the coroner? “PCP.” Did a viking frost giant knock down a skyscraper? “Stack of PCP abusers.” Did Star Man bring a dead deer back to life? “That’s just what gay sex looks like when you see it for the first time.”
We know that werewolves are impossible, officer. But after you see one doing a handstand on a moving van and leading their team to the state finals, it gets to a point where “werewolves” are a less ridiculous explanation than “Armenian drug users learning to talk and play basketball.”
Why They’re So Stupid:
If police were allowed to believe in the supernatural, they would be shooting people all day long. Meth addicts would be shot as goblins. People lined up for Twilight would be gunned down as vampires. And like I mentioned before, gay prostitutes performing deer necromancy would be… actually, I think they already shoot you for that.
#4. Fat People Near Trapdoors
The seventh law of thermodynamics is that every time a fat person gets near a trapdoor, they fall in. It’s the closest thing we have to scientific proof of God.
Why They’re So Stupid:
According to my research, rumors of underground pizza trees started in 1982 made not falling into trapdoors completely obsolete in the fat person community. If that’s a coincidence, I’ve completely wasted this encyclopedia set.
#3. Healthcare Practitioners
To avoid any subjectiveness on this author’s part, I wanted one of these to be fully scientific. So I went on FutureProofYourCareer.com and took an extensive online quiz that tested my aptitude and personality traits to decide the perfect career for me. This was a quiz I was determined to fail.
I gave myself the lowest possible scores in all aspects of human ability. Then I answered all the personality questions like a schizophrenic. If I was able to contradict myself at any time, I did. As far as this quiz knows, I can’t do math or stack objects, I’ve killed several drifters and I did great in math class while working as an object stacker. I’d like to think that by the time I finished, a computer somewhere was screaming and shooting itself in the mouth. Unrelated to this article, that image is also what I was thinking about every time I slept with you, ex-girlfriends.
So now that this computer brain knows I can’t do anything right, and the property damage from me trying would be unacceptable, it suggested my primary field of study: healthcare practitioner. This seemed strange. Maybe because giving myself the lowest possible scores in everything proved I was honest enough to tell someone they have cancer without fucking with them, yet incompetent enough to have that turn out to be wrong. That’s win/win for everybody.
Why They’re So Stupid:
Don’t ask me. It’s simple science.
#2. Pro Wrestling Referees
These people have made a career out of looking at the wrong thing. If the Love Buddies are in a tag match against the Murder Cheaters, you can be sure that the ref will spend the whole time screaming at the Love Buddy outside the ring while all manner of inhumanity is being done to the one behind him. I looked up logic in my encyclopedia. Even by 1982 standards, that doesn’t make any sense! If you hired a pro wrestling referee to babysit, he would warn the house plant in the corner not to cheat while your two cats killed your baby behind him.
Why They’re So Stupid:
No matter how obvious the crime scene, the ref can’t ever piece together the story after he turns back around. If he sees two burping cats and half an infant, all he knows is that these cats win! Shrug! As soon as you get home, he’ll present you with the new tag team champions and go home thinking it was a job well done.
#1. Best Buy Employees
Have you ever had a Best Buy employee interrupt your conversation with the question, “Are you guys finding everything OK?” It happens to me five times a visit. And maybe it’s just me but when I’m shopping for DVDs in a row of alphabetized DVDs, asking me if I’m finding everything OK is a lot like asking me if I’m currently shitting into a diaper.
I’ve never found an answer that makes them go away, either. If I say “Yes,” they usually read off the titles of whatever DVDs I’m holding until they’re satisfied that we’re best video buddies. If I say, “Thank God you’re here! Can you tell me what letter Hitch begins with?” they look at me like I asked them if they’re currently shitting into a diaper. Which is often my follow up.
Why They’re So Stupid:
I imagine some of them start with healthy and active minds. Then they try to explain HD to an elderly customer while the 300 screens near them start playing Bolt again from the beginning. The human brain has one of several choices at a time like that, and they’re all suicide.
This entry was posted on Thursday, October 29th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 21st, 2009 at 6:12 am
wow I loved how you pointed out how retarded “medical practitioners” are and from reading the comments i can tell that everyone agrees
November 20th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
@ Micheal Wow. You sure have this whole “humour” thing figured out. “You know those stupid people that pay too much for TV wall mounts? That’s you! ZING!”
November 16th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
i thiught he was defending best buy employees in this article. he makes a good point that they deal with soo many stupid people that they just dumbed it down themselves. At least thats how I read the article.
November 16th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Besy Buy makes their money on add-ons they push on people that don’t know any better. Yeah they might have a good price on an HDTV, but then they fuck you with a $80 HDMI cable, gold plated audio cables and tons of other crap you can get online for 1/10 of the price. Then they will be happy to charge you $300 to hang it on the wall for you, and thats after they sell you the $129 wall mount you can get online for $20. And let’s not forget geek squad or whatever the fuck they call the rip-off tech support they have. Add on the extended warranty…and the average person that doesn’t know any better takes it up the ass.
You know, like Seanbaby
November 15th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Best Buy employees are only doing their job. If you don’t like being asked for help, you should go to a flea market, because their job is to help you find what you need and then sell it to you. Yes, it’s awful when an employee tries to rip them off, especially if the person has a genuine problem with their electronics. You should give them honest advice.
I went to a Best Buy once to get a camera. The price of the camera was fine, but the guy then sold me a memory card that didn’t even hold 1GB for about $50. What a rip off. I know the employees don’t set the prices, but they do try to convince you to buy the most expensive item.
It’s corporate, not them.
November 15th, 2009 at 9:12 am
Hah! I worked at Best Buy for two weeks before I couldn’t take it anymore. Here are two examples of why:
I was supposed to be ’shadowing’ a salesman for my first two weeks. I was in the printers department. An old man came up to him with a problem. This was their exchange:
Old man: “My printer is having trouble communicating with my computer.”
Salesman: “Well, is it on a surge protector?”
Old man: “Emm…no I don’t think so….”
Salesman: “That’s probably why. Probably got hit by lightning. You need one of these.”
(Proceeds to hand the old man a gold-plated, 60 dollar surge protector)
After the man left he turned to me and said, “See?! Guy’s got a problem with his printer, I don’t know what’s wrong with it. Sell him a surge protector!” (Snaps fingers) Thankfully I was able to catch the guy before he got to the register, and told him that this would not fix his problem, and that he needed a computer tech, preferably not from Best Buy, to fix it. He thanked me for my honesty.
Example #2
A family comes in looking for a computer. They look like they probably can’t afford one but are willing to make this big sacrifice for their children. They begin at the low end computers, but keep being directed to the pricier ones by the salesman from example #1. They finally pick out a computer. At this point, the salesman tells them to meet him at the registers up front and that he will go to the back and get their computer, which he does, but on his way to the front, starts pushing their cart through the accessory aisles. I am still ’shadowing’ him.
He says, “Now, if they’re not around, you might just pick some stuff out you know they’re gonna want. Paper for the printer. A dust cover. Canned air. Printer cable (the most expensive one). Extra ink cartridges (at 20 bucks apiece). Mousepad. Speakers. Blank CDs…”
And I was like “WTF are you doing, these people can barely afford the computer you sold them, and now you’re literally putting shit into their cart without their knowledge? This is fucked, I’m out.”
Best Buy employees are the worst.
November 15th, 2009 at 3:52 am
I think I lost IQ points from reading these comments…
November 14th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
Best Buy employees do that to prevent loss. Electronics are expensive, have a high resale value, and a relatively low profit margin for retailers. This makes Best Buy a great target for professional shoplifters and it means that when the thieves are successful Best Buy will see noticeable losses. They make constant annoying bombardment with questions part of their “customer service” in order to scare away potential shoplifters.
If a shop lifter is constantly being bombarded with questions and he knows he won’t be left alone for longer than 2 minutes he is less likely to attempt to shoplift. You will get accosted more in music, video game, and DVD sections because they are easier to steal from than say, the home theater department.
November 9th, 2009 at 1:12 am
Its a great experience reading this post…….The fact of certain kind of jobs explained in this post are very very funny and hilarious, my stomach started aching reading these facts.
November 8th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Deadjaws says:
“Then again, he’s probably 16. I bet he digs High School Musical and Hannah Montana too.”
.
Well, I’m close to forty and I dig Hannah Montana…or I would if she were legal.. ummm…yeah…anyway.
November 8th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
I work at best buy to pay my nursing school bills, here are some of my favorite questions:
1. I’m standing next to a register, under a sign that says checkout, yet people still feel compelled to ask; “can I pay here?”
2. People walking in through the front door, which is directly in front of our digital camera department, literally, they’re right there and ask “where are your digital cameras?”
3. We have signs over each department, detailing what is in the department. For example, there is a sign that says MP3 players and accessories and people still ask where the ipods are.
Mostly, I just try to keep my mouth shut and do my homework in between cerebral infarcts caused by the general intelligence level of my customers and managers. I will not talk to anyone unless they make eye contact or call me over, we are trained to be up your ass, but I realized from working in retail that I only like people when they’re sick.
As an aside, I thoroughly enjoyed the dialogue between everyone else and “Dr.” Stanford. Working with people in healthcare is incredibly rewarding, demanding, and it is definitely not for everyone. However, taking that much offense to an internet article that clearly was meant as a joke, and taken out of context and starting to talk down to everyone like you’re God is not cool. Makes for funny reading though. Keep up the entertainment!
November 8th, 2009 at 7:03 am
That’s right, I do have a lot of free time, so sometimes I waste it in the comments section of a forum. That doesn’t mean I don’t have a job, I just work every other day. But Michael, he sure does have much more free time than all the other ER HCP in existence.
I really don’t see what’s Michael’s point. He’s not going to convince anyone here that he:
a) Is a certified ER working doctor (I think he just cleans bodily fluids stains there, that would put anyone in an insulting mood)
b) Is not an idiot.
Read his comments from the first to the last. Notice how they become progressively more stupid. Notice also how no one is intimidated and/or convinced by his constant whining.
Then again, he’s probably 16. I bet he digs High School Musical and Hannah Montana too.
November 7th, 2009 at 7:07 am
I just think it is funny that a person such as Michael has nothing better to do with his time than come to a forum such as this and try to belittle people because they do not agree with his point.
Some people just have to argue about absolutely anything to feel important.
November 6th, 2009 at 4:40 am
@Michael
“My point was (for like the 10th time) that the article listed health care practitioner but he said nothing FUNNY about BEING a health care practitioner. Jesus on a stick how can you douche bags not get this…seriously.”
My point is that you don’t pay attention at what you read. Of course he didn’t said anything funny about being a health care practitioner! He didnt’ want to and he didn’t have to.
He didn’t want to because there isn’t anything funny to say about them (again, he was making fun of the WEBPAGE), and he didn’t have to because HE KNEW that at least one of them (read: YOU) was bound to show up and PROVE himself stupid.
Seriously, do you really think you are the only smart people and everyone is an idiot? You obiously do, based on your comments, but hear this: Every single comment you post does nothing but prove the EXACT OPPOSITE, that is, you are the stupidest one of all.
If you don’t get a joke, just admit it, instead of calling a guy and the rest of his readers unfunny and stupid. It’s like if I didn’t know the name of Argentina’s capitol city and started screaming to everyon that Argentina doesn’t have a capitol city and that you are all idiots for thinking it has (It has, by the way, and is “Buenos Aires”).
“You and I both know I would OWN any one of you. You can keep whining, but you KNOW it’s true.”
I live in Uruguay, the State’s name is Canelones, the City: La Paz, My name is Pablo Rodríguez, I live in the corner of Italia and José Enrique Rodó. Come looking for me. You are a doctor, right?, you have money. I’ll take any of both: a physical or intellectual fight. See if you would really OWN me as you say. Pussy.
November 5th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
as a long time reader of Seanbaby’s stuff, I found the bit about the computer shooting itself to be the funniest part of the whole article. Of course, on the other hand, I’m not a doctor.
Or, possibly more accurately, I’m not an emergency room receptionist.
Honestly Michael, you’ve used the phrase “ER” so much its stopped looking like a real word. And you’re job CAN’T be that hard if you think Scrubs compares to it (which, by the way, barely has anything to do at all with the ER.) At the band-aid station my town calls a hospital, all those neanderthals-in-floral-print do is make you not die before the helicopter comes to take you to a REAL hospital. I wouldn’t trust them with the life of my daughter’s Betsy Wetsy.
November 5th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
michael= a shittalker behind a computer complaining about others who talk shit back too him
but its ok we all kno your a special kid with his little helmet stay safe on the shortbus pal
November 5th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
@Danimoth2 I have worked retail and then technical support and now I do high level networking and I have no faith in humanity. From customers to coworkers I have realized that people are idiots. Look around, most of those people you see are of average intelligence with many more of them below average (Michael we are looking at you!).
I mean, someone who goes stark raving mad on a comedy website is pretty stupid, regardless of the book smarts. I work with people who have almost fried themselves on a giant UPS because they felt like tightening some bolts on it while it was on and for no reason.
I think working for Best Buy was the worst. We had a woman come in angry as hell and drop a monitor, keyboard and mouse on the counter screaming that she could not hook her computer up. So I asked where the computer was and she said “Are you a fing idiot?” and then she said she did not know where to plug the keyboard and mouse in on the monitor that she believed was a computer.
Other people came in with products that were “broken” that they did not know how to turn on. Not elderly people but people my age, in their 30’s.
November 5th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Hey Michael! Why don’t you come and work my shift on Black Friday at Best Buy. You think you see trauma, you ain’t seen nothing bub!
Stupid as far as the eye can see, we have to constantly remind the customers not to crap themselves and to keep breathing when they close their slack jaws.
You have no idea man, hiding behind that computer in your Doctors On Duty telling us how rough it is, you have no idea man.
November 4th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
i work at best buy and i have to say THANK YOU!! we are required to say all that fucking stupid shit because some of our customers are that dumb. i’m going to print this out and take it to our morning meeting tomorrow.
November 4th, 2009 at 10:14 am
holy crap these comments are funny
bravo good sirs, bravo!!
brett, youre adorable. not in a patronising way… well maybe in a patronising way. but you remind me of me when I was your age, which is… a.. not good thing. and i’m a girl. but that aside, all you michael-bashers are doing a superb job and michael (and michael L - duh) you are a king among trolls and I salute you!
November 4th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Mikey, you do realize you’re doing the same thing, right? You don’t really own anyone, you pathetic little boy. You’re talking shit on a computer to people you know nothing about. You’re no better than the masses; you’re not above us, you’re one of us. ONE OF US! ONE OF US!
Actually, you’re even worse, because I’m not making threats and “talking shit I don’t have the balls to back up.” That’s you, with all your “DO MY JOB BITCHES IT’S SO HAAAARD A BLOO BLOO BLOO” bullshit. I simply called you on your whining, which isn’t exactly hard. Drop your hypocrisy and try not being a sad sack for just one day.
How are we even supposed to do your shift, assuming we were bored enough to do so? I doubt you live anywhere near me and I’m certainly not blowing money on a plane ticket so I can come prove yet another whiny-ass bitchboy who talks shit on the Internet wrong.
Even if you were going to buy the ticket, honestly, how many lawsuits are you opening up your place of employment to, trying to get untrained people to work there in your stead? Does your ER know you’re doing this? I don’t think they’d appreciate your reckless desire to get them sued for malpractice in your desperate desire to be RIGHT ON THE INTERNETS.
I don’t doubt it’s a tough job; that doesn’t mean you can’t get the stick out of your ass and join in our reindeer games. Seriously, have a whiskey and Coke and shut the fuck up already. Damn.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:54 pm
o your were talking about that one retarded guy down there. disregard.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:53 pm
Guest_Name… is that… did you?…. what the fuck are you talking about?
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:55 pm
What’s with this guy and his “Do my job for a night, bitches!” schtick? Man, that’s the most retarded argument I’ve ever heard. Why don’t you try being an astronaut for a day, Michael!? Huh? Bitch! What, you can’t hack it? Fine, then why don’t you be an electrical engineer for a night, bitch! Why don’t you fly a 747 for a week or so, and see how you do! See how any person with a job that requires education/training can use this argument? You’re a tool and I hope you’re up to date on your malpractice insurance, because any “doctor” as retarded as you will be needing the protection. Cunt.
November 3rd, 2009 at 4:10 pm
I meant to say, “with no doctors”.
November 3rd, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Hey, guess what, Michael. People did fine with doctors back in the Middle Ages. Modern medicine->Chivalry is dead. Coincidence?
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:06 am
Michael:
People like you are just the problem with the world. If you help deliver babies, think of how much you’re contributing to overpopulation. It’s just sad. Don’t you understand that children are only there to replace us?
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:54 am
TalkingPoint=just another coward hiding behind a computer
So since you think you have all the answers, will you be covering my friday night shift in the ER?
No?
Then you can consider yourself outed as just another coward hiding behind a computer…talking shit but not having the balls to back it up.
Damm you people are really pathetic. You continue to talk shit when you know you are too much of a pussy to back it up. I walk the walk every day…that’s the difference between me and you. The more shit you talk the more of a coward you appear to be.
Sad.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:07 am
Michael: Whiny, hypocritcal, obvious troll is whiny, hypocritical, and obvious.
Michael L: Hi, Michael’s sockpuppet!
P.S. Anyone who claims to own anyone else on the Internet has lost the game, Mikey-boy. You have failed on the internets, like so many before you, and so many after. You are one of the lost and the damned, and mean nothing at all. How’d you oh-so-eloquently put it? “FAIL = YOU,” I believe. Yes, an appropriate summation of you and all you have ever done.
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:00 am
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November 2nd, 2009 at 3:30 pm
@everyone
arguing on the internet is like running in the special olympics, even if you win you’re still retarded.
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:48 pm
I used to work at Best Buy, and it was the most grueling experience of my life. The worst is when we are forced to tell everyone and their mother how as “non’Commissioned” salespeople, we would find you what you needed, instead of what would line our pockets. Total crap. I worked Commission after that, and you can bet your dimpled ass, working commission, my paycheck depending on people not being bilked, as to stave off returns. The training may be to ask people if they are okay, but common sense should dictate the difference between someone who knows where they are and an Alzheimer’s patient who wandered into the stereo aisle.
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:08 pm
How is it that the puds who spam dating service URLS in the Comments section DIDN’T make this list?
November 2nd, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Ummm….the Nine Network in Australia/Peter Hitchener is going to kick your arse. I have the legal documents to prove they do not have a sense of humour.
November 2nd, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Micheal said:
“You sit here online talking shit but when you show up in my ER you will begging for my help, praying to a God you never believed in or hyperventilating and crying like a little bitch as your loved one lies dying on the table. I now it and you know it. I see it all the time. Sorry if I am for real and your losers sit here and pretend. So let’s get real…come work a shift…let’s see how well you can take the heat? Come on…I am waiting?
Talk is cheap bitches.
dude. pretty angry for a nurse…..
November 2nd, 2009 at 10:23 am
Seanbaby is really NOT funny…it makes me want to cry.
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:51 am
god dammit seanbaby i read this during class and I couldn’t stop chuckling at the worst possible moments
November 2nd, 2009 at 7:07 am
The idiocy of Best Buy employees is dictated from the top down. Hiring employees with the basic interpersonal skills to actually help customers would cost too much so they hire people who can memorize the interrupt-everyone-with-a-pointless-question rule. My favorite is when one BB employee comes up immediately after you’ve just gotten rid of the first mouthbreather and asks if you’re finding everything okay. I was going to get a sign to wear around my neck saying “If I need help, I’ll ask you or at least make eye contact.” and then I realized I could just go to Ultimate Electronics instead.
November 2nd, 2009 at 6:34 am
I work at Best Buy. And we are required to ask people if they are “finding everything okay”. This is because there are too many stupid people that can’t find what they are looking for, even in an alphabetized system. So it isn’t our fault you are dumb.
November 1st, 2009 at 11:29 pm
Damn. I wrote “my definitely my favorites”. It’s really easy to misspeak on these things.
November 1st, 2009 at 11:27 pm
So I’ve been reading Seanbaby’s stuff for about seven years now and I’ve got to say, the articles he has on cracked.com are my definitely my favorites; not so much for the content of said articles, but for the forums that follow. I’ve never seen so much raw human drama exist in one place! What makes it even better is that none of these people have even met each other! They just lob mean, personal insults back and forth as fast as they can misspell words. Take “Michael”, “Brett”, and “Toothbeaver” for example: what the hell are these guys so angry about? Maybe it’s just because I’ve never been involved in a verbal fight via the internet, but damn…half the people on here really sound insane.
November 1st, 2009 at 10:31 pm
@ Michael:
“Talk is cheap….”
I agree wholeheart-
“You and I both know I would OWN any one of you. You can keep whining, but you KNOW it’s true.”
Gah! Holy inconsistent hypocrisies, Batman!
November 1st, 2009 at 9:27 pm
Well I give up. It appears that most of you are just morons. I can accept that. I tried to repeat my point over and over in hopes that you would get…much the way you try to teach a child something by repetition…but to no avail.
My point was (for like the 10th time) that the article listed health care practitioner but he said nothing FUNNY about BEING a health care practitioner. Jesus on a stick how can you douche bags not get this…seriously.
Idiots like you that think this crap is funny are the reason we still have movies like Scary Movie 5 or whatever the fuck number they are on.
So I give up, obviously you are too retarded to get it, so fuck it.
Seanbaby, you are just not funny. Just for the hell of it I looked over some of your past articles…and yeah they pretty much sucked too. Your graphics were kind of funny…but not all that. I see you used to write for a video game magazine…that SOOOO makes sense. You seem like a video game nerd with no real sense of humor, personality or style. The idea that each person rises to his own level of incompetence is proven in your case. And your pathetic readers…well they seem to have the reading comprehension ability of a 3rd grader on meth, despite explaining my point over and over, they just can’t get it…much like sex or a job that does not require them to wear a paper hat. By the way, once again there were a few people talking a bunch of shit, but no-one willing to take me up on my offer…to come do my job for one night. I mean any horribly stupid person can do it right? Sounds perfect for you.
Once again, and for the last time…
Talk is cheap….So just keep talking pussies.
You and I both know I would OWN any one of you. You can keep whining, but you KNOW it’s true.
Have a good evening and go fuck yourselves.
November 1st, 2009 at 4:54 pm
When I go to Best Buy, most employees ignore my existence, but every now and then one will ask if I need help finding anything, and when I say “no, just looking” they go away, never to be seen again.
November 1st, 2009 at 4:49 pm
@Michael: In responce to the comment by Dreadjaws.
It’s totally true about the site. I did what Seanbaby did. And I too received the outcome of Healthcare Practitioner. Eat dick, guy.
November 1st, 2009 at 10:58 am
Sorry, I meant “Even if he had”, not “Even he he had”. See? I can recognize my mistakes.
November 1st, 2009 at 10:56 am
@Michael: You are an idiot.
You probably didn’t even read the comment about Healthcare practitioners (note: NOT necessarily doctors, just Healthcare practitioners, if you really think they’re always the same, then I hope I never stumble into your ER). You just thought that the guy was insulting your profession and then started insulting him and everyone else here without actually paying attention to what Seanbaby wrote (yeah, you are probably the best guy to have around in an accident, geez). The problem is that he wasn’t insulting it. Even he he had mentioned doctors, the entire point of the section was to make fun, NOT of the job, but of the WEBPAGE.
Go there, see for yourself. Put the lowest scores, contradict yourself when you can, describe yourself as a selfish, useless person, and the webpage WILL TELL YOU that you’d be perfect for a Healthcare Practitioner (note: NOT Doctor).
You see, it wasn’t him who was insulting H.Ps., FutureProofYourCareer.com was the one doing it.
Then again, your comments do prove that you’re a selfish, useless person, so…
November 1st, 2009 at 9:18 am
Michael, I have to call bullshit on your little rant there. “Healthcare Practitioner” can refer from an M.D. all the way down to a CNA. If you are the hard-working, baby-saving ER doc you claim to be, then you are aware of how many CNAs are just downright idiotic.
Dude, it’s a comedy site. We all know that “cop in a sci-fi movie” is not a real profession. We live here in reality, and don’t feel the need to loudly proclaim that we figured out the author’s clever hoax. Congratulations on saving us all from his terrible lies. Now, put your diaper back on and go back to school, boy.
November 1st, 2009 at 8:20 am
Best thing I’ve read in a while…
November 1st, 2009 at 4:36 am
Michael sure can talk!!
Obviously Seanbaby should have added all of us as the 8th occupation…
November 1st, 2009 at 3:43 am
Please stop taking yourselves (and this website) so seriously. I know it’s funny because my sides hurt, but that may be because I’ve been at work for 11.5 hours - and still have a couple left to go. And yes, I realize the irony, but why would anyone spend so much of their time posting comments defending themselves, or a profession, or a belief on a freaking comedy website??? Do you not see the madness inherent in such activity? Special thanks to the guy in the 4th row for asking… Yes, I am mad.
October 31st, 2009 at 8:20 pm
Wow…I see some people on here actually have a brain…I love the guy that OWNED the idiot 14 year old on here who thought he was smarter than me because I made a couple typos. Get real it’s a forum not a thesis.
Anyway…most of you did totally miss my point.
I will try to use smaller words for you people…
IT WAS NOT THAT IT RIPPED ON DOCTORS…IT WAS THAT IS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH DOCTORS. It was simply LAZY writing and NOT FUNNY. The entire medical section of the article could have be cut and pasted to ANY OTHER PROFESSION on earth, because it had nothing to do with being a doctor.
I FEEL LIKE I AM TAKING CRAZY PILLS…!!!
Please, rip on doctors all you like, I am totally cool with it. We are the craziest bunch of fuckers you ever want to meet (ER doctors that is). A GOOD writer would have been able to come up with some great material. The TV show scrubs is the most accurate medical show in the history of television…well it was until ABC fucked it up.
And when did I use the word hero? Where the fuck did you get that? Again, it was not that he was making fun of doctors, it was that the article sucked. It just wasn’t funny. I also agree with several people that pointed out that a fat person falling through a trap door and a cop in a Sci-Fi movie are not professions. Really when you think about it…kid in a children’s TV show is not really a “profession” either…and wrestling referees? You know they are really ACTORS right? So that’s not really a profession either…not in the respect you are referring to. So basically out of the 7 professions your article claimed…4 are not really professions and of the 3 remaining, one of them (doctor) you said nothing funny about actually BEING a doctor. Wow. Great stuff there. You must have some secret gay teen website that I don’t know about that makes all these losers love you so much, cause your writing just plain sucks. This was just crap, face it. Hell even the two I will give you credit for: the airport security and the best buy sections were just OK, but considering how stupid these people really are, a GOOD writer should have been able to come up with something funnier than this just OK piece of humor.
Finally…please…if you think a stupid person can do my job…contact me and let’s see how you do taking my next shift. I guarantee you will wet yourself from the pressure and the critical decisions you will have to make that directly decide if another human being lives or dies. You sit here online talking shit but when you show up in my ER you will begging for my help, praying to a God you never believed in or hyperventilating and crying like a little bitch as your loved one lies dying on the table. I now it and you know it. I see it all the time. Sorry if I am for real and your losers sit here and pretend. So let’s get real…come work a shift…let’s see how well you can take the heat? Come on…I am waiting?
Talk is cheap bitches.
October 31st, 2009 at 6:14 am
fucking hell i went to that webstite and filled out the form like a complete madman, being inconsistent, completely useless, and overly enthusiastic to do anything and everything. i got this:
Fields of Work: Farming, fishing and forestry, Food preparation and serving and Healthcare practitioner and technical.
October 31st, 2009 at 1:20 am
SEANBABY ROCKS!!!!!!!
October 31st, 2009 at 12:51 am
Here in Holland i’ve noticed a change in childrens programming aswell.
From slightly retarded but with coherent themes and storylines to utter retarded blabbering LSD trip inspired bullshit.
I fear for the planet
October 30th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
oh sorry, last one for “interesting” your gay and failed…whatever paralell your attempting to draw missed horribly but im sure you and your teenaged boyfriend can work thru this time in your life where u are on here so much you “know” other comenters…that is just so fucking sad dude, seriously, go talk to someone….real
October 30th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
ilovemeat…I know your probably checking this out every hour to see if I have responded so I will indulge you. Yes im a fat cop and im causing problems in the forum that is really a comments section..i didnt address you or any of your cool seanbaby blowing friends so you can just sit and shut your hole ok pumpkin? Come to me when you grow a pair..this article was shit and ur asking for seconds? Good job though calling me the whatever 3 things i pointed out…no 10 year old could flip me something that devastating!
October 30th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
article rules as always ^.^
as a sort of general rule all people who work in customer service or technical support kind of lose their faith in humanity after a few months hehe. i’m in technical support and i feel i’ve already lost some IQ points after 3 months here. actually the other cracked articles about technical support and customer service are funny too (just read about them). so what happens is that you get to feel that people are stupider than they really are, which blows if you’re actually talking to a customer with an ounce of sense.
it’s sad, that we’re in the age of google and still not everyone can just type “how to change my background in the main screen” on google to learn how to change the wallpaper or something (but then again maybe these are the people who would prefer being spoonfed all data instead of learning it themselves).
October 30th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
Anon (the one that went on a tirade about stupid doctors,) you have to understand something about the internet. If you ever publicly denounce someone for being stupid, even if it is in an indirect manner as your post was, you are immediately inviting your own statements to be scrutinized.
You state that doctors can only do “one thing and do it well.” I invite you to present examples of how many car mechanics can perform an aortic valve replacement, how many landscapers can fly a plane, or how many pilots can write an entertaining article. Sorry to break this to you, but the cornerstone of civilized society is people who pick one or a few things they do well and then do them professionally. Practically speaking, it’s most important for them to be able to do that “one thing” (through which you somehow trivialize over a decade of schooling and the massive stress that comes along with it.)
If you are specifically discussing a doctor’s lifestyle “chaos” as you put it, keep in mind the role they play in each patient’s life. You see a body that got hit by a car and unless you work in a death-related field you are usually pretty absent-minded and aloof for a while afterward. Now consider someone who not only has to experience that for 8 hours (usually more) per day, but also has to fully grasp the concept that if they make an erroneous decision, someone will probably die. Now, consider that most doctors are moving from patient to patient at a relatively steady rate of speed and what type of toll that would take on you mentally doing that each day.
Yes, you do get used to it; no, the grueling education is not an excuse to throw caution to the wind. However, these are important considerations to make when you are judging an entire field of people. My point is, take some time to understand some of the pressures someone may be exposed to and weigh it carefully against their sacrifices before you dismiss them as “stupid” simply because they don’t have the same amount of time to devote to simple trivialities as you do. I’m on that road and I’d say there’s definitely a few stupid doctors; however, I would be extremely hesitant to say “many” of them are.
I have no idea why I’m even devoting so much time to this post, the best-written sentence in your entire comment was written by someone else. I shudder to think you “credentialed” anyone with your apparent knowledge and especially your vile attitude. Cheers!
October 30th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
I totally agree with #1, but it’s any retail work fries your brain.
October 30th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Hey! I have an IQ of 156, and am well on my way to becoming a doctor!
Then again, I AM insane, so…
October 30th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
“You don’t graduate from Stanford School of Medicine by being stupid.”
I hate to break it to you Mikey, but I credentialed your ilk. You know what that is right? and having dealt with you people on a daily basis I have to say many doctors are among the stupidest people I know.
They continually lock themselves out their offices, lose their stuff, leave their offices unlocked (and wonder why the janitorial staff steals their precious 3,000 dollar Ibooks) write in scrawl that makes a 3 year old’s handwriting look like calligraphy by comparison; forget to take required courses, forget to file paperwork on time, act so anti-socially that they get sued, (protip: this is the number one reason you get sued.) and on average are so sloppy and disorganized that at least one of them I know has a full time assistant following him around to clean up the sheer chaos he leaves in his wake.
To wit: A disturbing number of Doctors are a lot like Rainman, they do one thing and do it well. The rest of the time a lot of you guys might as well just be drooling and going “duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!” endlessly, unable to find your asses with both hands, a map and a flashlight.
October 30th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
Seanbaby, you are quickly climbing up my favorite Cracked columnists list. I couldn’t agree more with #1. I’d say all retail workers become dumber after a certain amount of time dealing with idiotic people. I worked at Victoria’s Secret for several years and I can honestly say the customers there made my IQ drop 100 points. Seriously, how the fuck can you not tell the difference between “bikini” panties and “thong” panties? One could see my intellectual demise begin after the first Semi-Annual Sale….
October 30th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Brett, don’t take it personally. Many of us were ALSO smarty-pants 14 year olds, once. Difference: we didn’t have computers, nor an Internet, and hence our readily apparent assholishness was only visible in person. You, however have been able to broadcast your peripubescent smugness all over the place.
Yes, Mr “How dare you insult doctors” is taking it a little too seriously. I spent all day—and last week, and the last 16 years–taking care of cancer patients. And I can laugh at doctor jokes, because my self image is pretty intact, thanks. You really want to make sure that you’re standing on higher ground than your target however when you decide to take an editorial piss on his head. And, trust me: at 14, nobody occupies the high ground over anyone. Now, go finish your algebra.
October 30th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
seanbaby is hilarious. try not to take internet humour too seriously people. just have a chuckle, and at least pretend to be modest enough to have a laugh at yourself. Getting mortally offended and aggressively defensive is not a reasonable response to something an internet commentator says about your profession.
October 30th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Alaska, I beg to differ. See Brett, I have some news for you: Nobody likes people like you. I am fourteen myself, however I try to restrain from being a smug son of a bitch. While you may think that you wrote a well-structured, expressive comment, truth is, your writing sucks. Apart from plenty of gaping grammar mistakes, your vocabulary is down the drain. And I’ll be the first to tell you, if you think you are better than Seanbaby, you are very much mistaken. You will never get ahead in life with an attitude like that. Therefore, I now cordially invite you to violently shove your head up your own ass and keep it there until you asphyxiate. Thank you for your time.
October 30th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Dear Brett,
You really need to give yourself less credit.
You claim to be more intelligent then Michael yet your grammar and spelling is seriously lacking. Now, I have not much of an opinion of this article so I’m not necessarily saying I agree with Michael. However, when you stated “Neither of those sentences make any sence.” Even a moron would be able to comprehend as to what he means by both statements. I’m kind of surprised you had to be “enlightened” as to why he doesn’t like the article, since I found it quite obvious he doesn’t like the article because he believes it ‘disses’ on his profession.
Regardless, stop trying to make yourself out to be a child genius–”Oh I’m 14 and I’m gonna totally prove this guy wrong and show the world how intelligent I am”– when I’m sure this guy (He said he graduated from Stanford School of Medicine, whether that’s true or not…) is doing more with his life then I’m sure you’ll ever do.
P.S. Resorting to personal insults and derogatory comments like you made doesn’t make you seem as intelligent as you’re trying to be, it just makes you look like a retard who’s grasping for straws.
October 30th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
I have to agree with #1 customers comment, i too have worked at best buy for the last few years i honestly could care less what you need help with but if i don’t go ask you whatever manager is working gets angry, and once again we are desensitized to dealing with stupid customers especially in DVDs some of my personal favorite questions are:
“Where is your Jackie Chan section?”
“Where can i find Wii for my Xbox 360?”
I have been walking around this store for 30 minutes and i can’t find the goddamn computer department!! (protip: it takes up about a third of the store)”
These are about 70% of the customers we get and so we mean no offence to you when we ask if you need help finding something
October 30th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
brett is awesome
October 30th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Dear Michael,
For someone who claims to be a genious and a hero, there are several flaws in your comment which a 14 year old (me) can spot from a mile away. First and foremost, he can make fun of whoever he wants, whenever he wants, including doctors, who in my experience, do nothing but perscribe drugs that make you feel better for a week or so, and then you have to come back for more. Second, he never said anything about sergions, as they DON’T treat people like dumb-fucks. Also, on a smaller note, here are a few phrases thet i couldn’t help but notice in your comment
first “it was written be a retard for retards” and second “you will see how much of an ass you just made yourself look like with someone like me saves their life.” Neither of those sentences make any sence, and enlightens me as to why you dont like this article. its obvious that you are just learning how to read and didnt get half of the joke because you have no clue what he’s saying. You also acuse him of not taking that test, when you have no clue if he did or not. Chico below me and myself have both taken the test, and i recognised the questions immediatly. I know for a fact that he took it as some of his examples came from the last pages of the test. I would hate me wasting time commenting on your stupidity for you to not see it, but i also noticed that you tend to check back every couple of hours or so to argue with those intellectualy superior to you (also myself). So, with that said, please get off your high horse and eat a large, veiny, pulsing penis you racist ass-hole.
October 30th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
There seems to be an influx of object/animal named posters that cause a bit of conflict in the comments. Pizzacat, now Toothbeaver… what next?
October 30th, 2009 at 11:29 am
I went to futureproofyourcareer.com I answered all questions with a neutral 5, put no enjoyment at all for those sets of question, but no qualifications, and that I was unemployed. My very first job?
and no i am not shitting you.
Well, I’ll just let you see for yourself.
FPYC Personal Profile for Chico
FPYC temperament type: IITU - Intellectual, rational, inquisitive, accurate, systems developer, critical, creative thinker, independent.
Dominant intelligences: Logical Mathematical, Linguistic, Intrapersonal, Interpersonal and Naturalist.
Dominant abilities: Proactivity, Mathematical, Written Language, Verbal Language, Commercial and Self Discipline.
Fields of Work: Healthcare practitioner and technical, Media and Computer and mathematical science.
Knowledge worker status: Industrial Worker - Knowledge User.
Knowledge age skills: Communication - Reasonable
Adaptability - Strong
Business - Reasonable
Team Work - Reasonable
Computer - Room for improvement
Learning - Reasonable
October 30th, 2009 at 11:26 am
i think toothbeaver must be a fat cop who loves wrestling. this was clearly funny. and how can you compare someone making fun of fat people falling into trap doors with black people stealing shit? fat people falling into trap doors isn’t a stereotype. douchebag.
October 30th, 2009 at 10:58 am
The Elusive Robert Denby: Yes. Thank you, I was a little afraid to say it but it must be said. And yes, I’m sure there will be backlash. I should make a point of saying that I’m just fine with Asians, I just can’t stand Asian CUSTOMERS. And if you don’t believe me, stand in the laptop section of your local electronics store and watch the sales people pass them by, over and over.
October 30th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Hubcap: Cops in sci-fi movies are also scripted. Apart from the fact that you’re the most thuddingly literal-minded jagoff on Earth, what’s your fucking point?
October 30th, 2009 at 10:20 am
Sadistic Gnome: I didn’t want to say it, but holy shit yes: I couldn’t stand having to deal with Asian customers; it was like a Ms. Swan sketch terrifyingly brought to life. I don’t mean customers who happen to be Asian, I mean the kind who would come in and have no idea what the fuck they were even looking for, ask the same two questions over and over while ignoring your answer, continually try to use a coupon for a different store, and finally pay with loose change. I had to take turns with other guys there to keep any of us from simply ducking under the counter when one walked in.
And I know you’re going to try and show off your tolerance cred by insulting me, pussies, but try dealing with this particular customer sometime and see how tolerant you become.
October 30th, 2009 at 10:05 am
It seems as if you don’t know Pro Wrsetling Referees are SUPPOSED to miss obvious rules infractions, especially when distracted. This may shatter you, but pro wrestling is scripted. The referee is following the script. Kind of funny when the writer sounds as stupid as the stupid people he’s writing about.
October 30th, 2009 at 9:29 am
LOL this reminds me of that movie Idiocracy. Seanbaby is oh so funny
October 30th, 2009 at 8:42 am
Loved the scientific proof of God.
Fat people! If you can’t see your feet, how do you know there’s NOT a trapdoor? (Better stay at home, I reckon)
October 30th, 2009 at 8:30 am
The Best Buy one is almost exactly like what I have been saying for 20 years about Mall Music stores, like FYE. I used to have long hair and look like a criminal so the employee would follow me around and ask me if I needed help. I would answer, “No thank you. I know the alphabet and what music I like, so I think I am good here. No! Wait! How do you spell AC/DC?”
October 30th, 2009 at 8:20 am
Being fat near a trapdoor is an occupation? Cop IN A sci Fi movie also..not any cop? also wrestling is fake and the ref’s mental retardation not only expected but going on since the early 80’s. IDK if this was supposed to be funny or tragic or ironic or what. it def. wasn’t funny. maybe the trapdoor one where u really show how you feel towards fat people by ridiculing them in an article that is about something else…can be replaced w/ “Cracked.com “writer”. How about putting in there “black person stealing bait car” oh cuz then youd get your ass handed to you but fat people, still ok to make fun of. Try it again but put PR person next to the Border Fence….thats funny too right? Put in some witty profanity laced word balloons and u have another instant classic like this gem lol, fuckin dickhole
October 30th, 2009 at 7:00 am
“Airport screeners get fired if they make an exception for any reason. That’s why they follow the rules exactly no matter what.”
Anyone who believes this has clearly never tried to travel with their knitting. I think the argument goes something like, “what if there is a terrorist on the plane whose entire nefarious plan hinges on there being a crafty person on board?”
October 30th, 2009 at 2:50 am
here is one for stupidity, when I worked as a chef I was asked these two questions
1, how do you put the meat on the ribs?
2, does fillet steak contain any dairy products?
October 30th, 2009 at 2:42 am
I have worked at best buy for the past 3 years as of Nov 4, and not only is #1 hilarious but it could not be more accurate. We are trained (forced) to ask you 100 times if you need help, and literally no answer you give will suffice other than “please go away”. As for our intolerable stupidity, it’s a natural coping mechanism that switches on once you put on the blue shirt so that you aren’t permanently scarred by questions like these (I’ve personally heard these):
“How do I refill my plasma?” …..the the valve on the back, be careful, contents under pressure.
“What’s better, plasma or High Density?”
“How many Jigga watts does this computer have?”
and the favorite at my store, please spare yourself from this one
“Do you work in the electronics department?” I’m sorry, it’s evil, but that last one forces me to direct you to an empty department where I know I’ll never see you again.
These are just the very small sample I could think of at 6am, everyday is a mental obstacle course in retail. Remember a lot of your fellow voters actually dont know what letter Hitch starts with, that is what retail teaches you.
October 30th, 2009 at 2:11 am
GIG ‘EM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
October 30th, 2009 at 1:43 am
Airport screeners get fired if they make an exception for any reason. That’s why they follow the rules exactly no matter what.
Sure, you don’t know him and really don’t care if he gets fired. But that works the other way too. He doesn’t know you or care if you are inconvenienced, and he’d rather keep his job.
October 30th, 2009 at 12:54 am
Hahaha, the wwe ref one made me laugh. Its so true! But you got to love it.
October 30th, 2009 at 12:38 am
Surley when telling the elderly about HD it goes something like this.
“well Ma’am (or whatever) HD stands for High Definition, this means the picture is far sharper and colours are more vibrant. However you won’t be able to tell the difference because you cannot see more than a blur past your over grown warty nose. Also you won’t be offended because you think I am talking technobabble. This last part i will shout so you get it. IT IS NEW AND BETTER SO YOU NEED ONE. PART WITH YOUR PENSION AND I WILL SELL YOU SOME WORTHLESS INSURANCE TO PROTECT IT. YOU WILL DO THIS BECAUSE I AM A NICE YOUNG MAN.”
October 30th, 2009 at 12:14 am
SEANBABBBBYYYY
EGM RIP
The article was pretty amazing.
Although nothing tops your Sims 3 Experiments article (the reason I started reading cracked.)
October 29th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
its completely true about best buy
i worked there for seasonal and i wanted to murder everyone that walked through that fucking door, people are god awful stupid as soon as they walk in, you nailed it with that one
October 29th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
Oh man, this was decent right up to #1. At that point it became epic. I work at Fry’s Electronics and you got it. Only difference is, computer salesmen are on commission at Fry’s, so our job DEPENDS on asking “Are you finding everything OK?”
60% are no’s and the other 40% fall into four categories:
1. Idiot who wants to buy a “CPU” (See: computer/monitor setup) and how many “jiggabytes” they should have to play solitaire.
2. Old guy who wants to tell you ‘technical’ stories about the mainframe he used to clean in college and how awesome punch cards were.
3. The rare customer who actually has an intelligent question and wants to buy something. On sale. That doesn’t pay you commission.
4. Asians. Seriously, don’t get me started on Asians. Love your food, but stop hassling retail workers. We don’t know if this is the best deal on planet earth, only in the store. Buy it or don’t.
If you want someone’s attention at Best Buy, or any electronics store, start with the words “I’m buying…” This is universal for, “You don’t have to explain to ME that USB cables can only be inserted with a certain side up.”
October 29th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
Jeez… The rod up Michael’s butt may have a rod up its butt, but Mr. Entropy is the one that really made my brain want to kill itself.
Anyway, freaky coincidence here: I ended up getting DJ Hero for half price at Best Buy today because the cashier had apparently never used her cash register before. I might have been nicer and pointed out the error if she hadn’t already spent several minutes trying to get me to sign up for their “Reward Zone” plan or whatever the hell it is. Hell, I saved sixty bucks and I STILL walked away irritated.
So, to sum up: I totally agree with number one.
October 29th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
As a practicing medical specialist, I can only say:
Well done, sir; well done.
And hey, Mother Theresa of the ER: calm down. It’s comedy, not “Nightline”. It doesn’t have to be accurate, and if you practice anywhere on the outer surface of Earth, you know that there ARE a handful of physicians (more often administrators though, or nurses who hail from interesting places) that are dumb as a bag of hammers.
One of your best, guys.
October 29th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
I took that aptitude test and gave answers I’m pretty sure John Gacy would register as “sorta wacky”. They said I’d be great as an architect or as a fisherman. As someone who told the quiz that he hates computers and expects to work with them 24/7 till mayonnaise comes out of my ears, I’m quite surprised by their sympathetic answer.
October 29th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
Oh God, I literally could not stop laughing throughout the entire article. Then I started reading the comment section, and as usual, I only laughed even harder. Perhaps, Seanbaby, the only things funnier than you are the people who fill your comment sections. But wait, I suppose that includes me… huh.
October 29th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
Michael, if you’re not familiar with Seanbaby’s style, then maybe you shouldn’t read his articles and then spend 5 hours commenting on it. If you really are a physician, then I’d hate to be your patient. It’d be just lovely to have the doctor tell me to hold on, he’s gotta go post a smart ass reply about something making no sense when it is intended to be nonsensical. Shut up, quit checking back for responses to your keyboard diarrhea and get to work.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
customer - “The button says press… what do I do?”
rep - “Press?”
customer - “….. ooooohhhh! Thanks!”
October 29th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
Michael. Shut the FUCK up. This is a comedy website.
Also, no one here cares about what a hero you are and your insecurities and whatnot. You made absolutely no difference.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
Shadowcran…
You nailed it.
Most people working in hospitals have nothing to do with direct patient care. They don’t give a rats ass how many people die as long as the paperwork is filled out correctly.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
Perhaps he should have instead listed as #3, Hospital administrators and staff. You know? people who have zilch to do with you getting treated, yet feel that their paperwork is more important than getting the pipe out of your head?
“Mr. Shadow, our records indicate that you once had eye surgery. Could you list the dates and times?
Me: Drooling as I have a pipe in my head
“Mr. Shadow, don’t be difficult. The sooner we get this processed the sooner we can start the process that starts the process of getting someone to maybe see you in the next two days. Now, tell me your occupation and insurance.
Me: Drooling as I STILL have a pipe in my head.
THe result is them getting pissy and me passing out on the floor until a passing hobo removes the pipe out of pity. Of course, I’ll then be charged by the hospital for this “service”.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
Jim the Life Guru Says:
October 29th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
I stopped reading halfway through, as I was tired of having my time wasted.
Yet you took the time to type a meaningless explanation of your thought process and opinion? Isn’t that like doing a book report on ‘Moby Dick”, ending about halfway through when Ishmael is learning how to sail and meeting various characters and then writing, “The rest of the book had to suck as I have no idea who Moby Dick was. Was he the guy with the harpoon?”
October 29th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
Hey James b…
That’s really the best you have? Seriously? Wow that’s just sad. What a pathetic response, I can see why you liked the article so much…it was written be a retard for retards…
And hey, I hope this never happens, but if someone you love is ever in a serious accident, you will see how much of an ass you just made yourself look like with someone like me saves their life. Try to stay out of the way while they are working though, since they have a brain and you will be useless sobbing little bitch. Just stand there in the corner crying and praying to a God you always denied. I see it all the time.
Also, my point was that the writer didn’t even rip on healthcare providers, just some rambling bullshit about some online aptitude test he didn’t even take. If he would have actually said something FUNNY about doctors, then fine. It was LAZY and just NOT FUNNY. Well to anyone who is not a retard that is…so I am sure you loved it.
Keep talking retard…
October 29th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
You know #1 is true, I work at best buy, and the thing about bothering people is we have a “you can never over greet” policy, but I am fairly sure that having to hear dj hero’s heard it through the grapevine will make my brain go an hero very soon.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
Hi Michael.
I knew one guy who worked in an ER and told stories about having to shove his arm up a lumberjack’s butt to pull out cement hard turds that had been in there for a month. They my buddies mom told about a guy who came in the ER lisping, “he is in there, and he is clawing, and he wants to get out”. You know, the gerbil. Do you get to pull things out of guys butts? It sounds like a dream job that only someone of your obvious intellect could do.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
though the sci-fi cop one was dead on.
and one last thing. idiots buy their tech from stores. the tech-savy buy online. and thus most people who are in best buy really DO need the help. (either that or they need to physically inspect the product)
October 29th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
One of your best, Always liked your stuff even back when you were writing for EGM, but this was awesome. Great Job.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
article got a little bit unfair and rabid towards the end there (or maybe there was some attempt at pulling off some kind of edgy super-humor??)
I don’t see how wrestling refs are stupid, they’re just trying to facilitate a staged fight.
Also the best buy employees are trying to be helpful because it makes them seem dedicated/ like hard workers, plenty of people have faked being EXTRA hardworking at their jobs if they thought it looked good to the boss.
Also if I saw half a baby and a cat burping I would assume someone killed a baby then stopped to feed a cat.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
How many “internets”? Sounds like something my grandparents would ask. Love it!
October 29th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
As an emergency department physician…I am afraid I have to disagree with you about #3. I have saved countless lives including the 3 year old drowning victim that was delivered to me by ambulance in PEA (google it, I am not here to teach you medicine) and hypothermic. After 80 minutes of care given my my staff and I, she had a pulse and was starting to breathe on her own. She was discharged with excellent neurological status 5 days later. You don’t graduate from Stanford School of Medicine by being stupid.
Another point, your whole argument centered around some lame ass aptitude test you took online (not that you really did)? WTF does that have to do with medicine?
Sorry, but I call retarded on this article. I do totally agree with the airport security, but the rest were weak.
And it’s not that I am some uptight asshole doctor, I enjoy all kinds of twisted humor, but it has to be FUNNY…not just lazy ass writing like this was.
YOU=FAIL
October 29th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
i was actually surprised how boring and unfunny this article was. i hope you understand your own jokes because no one reading them does.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
Whenever I’m at Best Buy or Walmart the associates constantly ask me whether I need help with something when I’m perfectly fine on my own. As soon as I actually need help with something there is no one to be found or the only available sales reps are totally entangled with an elderly person who is not really gonna understand any of the tech speak the person is trying to explain to them… Seriously dude I just need 5 minutes, Nana won’t even be able to hobble out of this area that quickly
October 29th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
As someone who’s been in customer service for several years, I can explain some of the Best Buy employee behavior…for me, at least, it became sort of a passive-aggressive thing. You know…you do it because you know it irritates the stupid customers that make your job difficult, and they can’t really do anything about it without looking like a douche because you’re just “doing your job”.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
Oh, I forgot to add:
Most people don’t understand how alphabetized categorization works. They are totally baffled by this new-fangled system and tend to wander around aimlessly until someone points them to their movie, which is why the sales reps ask if everything is okay. They are happy when you tell them that everything is fine, as it gives them some hope for humanity.
People are so blatantly oblivious that, even though there is a sign above the cash registers that is printed on a 10ft*40ft poster that indicates whatever is below the giant sign to be “CASH REGISTERS”, people still go the wrong direction when I point towards it and explain that that is where they are located.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
And I’m calling this an article written by a horribly stupid person. Or at least very unfunny…
October 29th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
I agree with the last one. With the amount of ridiculously idiotic questions I am asked everyday, it’s a wonder I haven’t set up a spike trap in front of my desk. I don’t think I can take another “Does this run Google?” or any idiotic question answered by reading any prompt shown to the end-user, which they dutifully ignore*.
I am the lead tech for a Best Buy store and, from experience, I can say that most (E.g: 87.482%) of our customers are so ignorant it almost causes my brain to implode.
*See: Klingon battlecruiser
October 29th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
Not only are airport security incredibly dumb, they are terribly arrogant about it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roi9ptR2a-w
October 29th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
“I imagine some of them start with healthy and active minds. Then they try to explain HD to an elderly customer while the 300 screens near them start playing Bolt again from the beginning. The human brain has one of several choices at a time like that, and they’re all suicide.”
You hit the nail on the head with that one.
October 29th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
I stopped reading halfway through, as I was tired of having my time wasted.
October 29th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
Pyx have a point.
I would just like to add one more thing: a very common occupation for horribly stupid people you didn’t mention is that of Internet commenter.
I loved the article. Even though being fat near trapdoors isn’t an occupation, it was my favourite part.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
OMFG I absolutely loved the reference to A&M kicking Tech’s ass (or should I say raping their face?) Seanbaby you are a fucking champ and I’m showing this to everyone I know in College Station.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
My friends recommended me a very interesting place __AgelessFriends.com __ It’s a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
Seanbaby I totally <3 you. You are hilarious!
October 29th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Funny as hell, Seanbaby, I loved every word.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
That’s odd.
1. I love Seanbaby articles.
2. This seems like it SHOULD be funny to me.
3. Everyone else seems to enjoy it.
And yet…I didn’t laugh, but once.
Maybe I shouldn’t read first thing in the morning. (By “morning”, I mean 8:39 PM)
October 29th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
I don’t know what cracked.com have against dumb people. Anyways, I liked the best buy comment. I think its like this widespread epidemic at any store. Sometimes, I’m not in a good mood, and I dont want to have to look pleasant and say “hello” to people who are intructed by their superiors to say “hello” and stuff to me. I’m sure all their greetings are scripted anyways. “hey how are you today.” Lately, I just grunt. Its all I can muster. I apologize to the people who work these jobs, but what do they think they are getting paid for?
October 29th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
Another good one, Seanbaby. I agree with your choice of #1 but think you were “too nice” on them. These people have to be the most clueless on earth. If you put 5 people in a rat maze and one of them a Best Buy employee, he/she’d be the one ramming his head repeatedly into the side walls in the hope headaches will make him remember what he was in the maze looking for.
Want to make one disappear…forever? Ask him to look for a particular video game in the back. It’s the modern Bermuda Triangle. It doesn’t even matter if it’s the most popular video game for that week and highly anticipated, he won’t truly know what you’re asking for. Worse, he might try and look it up on the computer before he ventures “Into the back”. Even though a 4 year old with Downs Syndrome could find it on a search, it will be quite beyond a Best Buy employee’s ability.
If you want to watch their heads explode just ask for any computer accessory….any. Just step back before asking.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
OMG…….CAN YOU EAT THAT..NO..SHIT!I MEAN THANKS hILARIOUS
October 29th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
lolllllllllllllllll
October 29th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Seanbaby is fucking great high.
Better than the normal baby
October 29th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
I think the only article funnier than this I’ve read on here was the Ragdoll moments in MMA.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
wow. all this talk of sucking dick. seanbaby, eat shit and die
October 29th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
fartstains, you are a piece of shit. seanbaby is a good writer. i wish i could suck his dick
October 29th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
some of you nerds need to get to sucking seanbaby’s dick
October 29th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
I agree with the Best Buy entry. My first job ever was at a Best Buy. If the fact that I had to listen to “Who let the Dogs out” every 20 minutes for a full 8 hour shift, 5 days a week, throughout an entire summer didn’t do the trick management made sure in have weekly meetings where we all had to chant inane rhymes that went with each department! I was lucky that I was young and my mine was relatively flexible because I got out of there in one piece with only minimal physchological damage.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Yeah, Best Buy at #1.. I swear I hate going into the store. Every single time, I am guaranteed people falling head over heels to ask if I need help, and yet when my husband is there, they don’t bother me. They assume that female=inept around computers (of course, the shitty thing is that oftentimes other women confirm the idea that women=durrrr around computers)
October 29th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
By the way, I might be old school, but the overlapping text balloons are the best invention since… well… add cliche here…
Why couldn’t someone have invented those in the 60’s, or did people just not interrupt each other back then? Everyone was Canadian? Waiting politely for the other to finish?
Seanbaby, if you invented them, then you deserve a statue in a town square somewhere. If you copied them, you need to properly attribute them with a trademark symbol or something.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Haha Surlyguard.
“Chimps would rip people’s arms off”
Of course, that is exactly Mr. Baby’s point and mine also. If the Chimps were not as surly as the guards, the two-weapon plan would not work, right? Right? You actually read the humor, right? Have a great day!
October 29th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
That Muhammad part was stupid
October 29th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
I love how Best Buy employees will take this personally and get offended, then go on to totally agree with one of the other list items. Like there aren’t nice and intelligent airport security guards out there as well.
It’s a damn comedy article, idiots. Hyperbole is expected.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Honestly, I didn’t enjoy this. I almost didn’t read it, and now I wish I hadn’t…and here I was thinking I’d give I Seanbaby another chance. I used to like his work, but now it just kind of sucks. The airport security bit was funny, although it was just harping on an old theme everybody’s heard before. Everything else was just kind of disjointed.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Totally one of Seanbaby’s best.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Best line: “You know what,kid? Ice cream. ‘poisonous’ means ‘ice cream’” “Yay”! Seanbaby is the reason God made Thursdays.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Wrestling refs actually have a VERY complicated job.
I love this site with my life but #2 made my cry.
October 29th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Loved the article!
By the way with a simple search in youtube you can find the trap door video. Just type the words: trap door fat and the first thing that appears are two videos of the fat lady falling down the trap door. Anyway here’s the link for the lazy people like sean XD
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-BiyGqswnA
October 29th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Airport security should definitely be higher up. Best buy employees might be stupid, but at least they’re not asked to protect our safety. I had a small propane/oxygen torch in a little-used pocket of my hand luggage, but forgot all about it. Although it was small, it could cut through aluminum (what planes are made of) like a knife through butter. After 7 security checks not including shoe scans spread over 5 international and 3 national flights I managed to miss my transfer on the final leg home. Only on the last security check onto the final flight (Frankfurt to Amsterdam, about 7 hours by car) the following morning did anyone notice that I essentially could have divided any of 8 planes into an arbitrary number of pieces whenever I wanted to. And when they finally found it, the security guy was having trouble understanding what the hell this strange contraption was. This was only funny until he’d found the gas knob and let the gas run for a couple of seconds and I could feel the gas billow around my outstretched arms on the table. At that point I was afraid he’d try the ignition switch while holding it down into the building gas and scorch more than a few eyebrows, so I decided to put an end to his struggle. His only reaction to the 4-inch blue flame was “euuuhm… that’s… not allowed” wearing a perplexed look the whole time. I kept all the hazardous goods forms and they always make me smile.
October 29th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
You hit the nail on the head there Doug, though just as bad are the college kids who once saw some computer parts on the internet, and now think they are fucking Computer Science majors afterward.
October 29th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Good stuff. I think you’re my new favourite writer for Cracked.
October 29th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
“it’s the middle aged idiots that are out there that want to fight everything we say and don’t believe shit,”
That’s because most of you talk out your ass and just parrot what you’ve been told in Best Buy University. I’ve heard your co-workers tell an old woman who only needed something “for email and Word” get the sales pitch for an engineer’s workstation.
Cracked, you missed one very important group - GNC employees. According to them, every product that you pick up will spot-reduce fat and add muscle.
October 29th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
“Customer contact” is a big thing at Best Buy. That’s one of their primary means of helping reduce theft. If you’ve got an employee there trying to “help” you, it’s a lot less likely that you’re going to slip that DVD of Two and Half Men under your shirt and head for the door. Thing is, if they suspect you, the “customer contact” will increase. They’ll head on over and ask them how they’re doing, offer to assist them with something, etc, even if another employee has already done so.
Seanbaby, if you get hassled a lot in Best Buy, they probably think you’re trying to steal shit.
October 29th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Ha, love buddies…
October 29th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
This is literally the funniest Seanbaby article I have ever read. Normally I’m not such a big fan, but I have been bursting out in laughter in a silent library for the entire thing.
October 29th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
I work at best buy, and let me tell you, the elderly aren’t that bad, usually they just accept what we tell them, tell us a story or two, buy something and then leave, it’s the middle aged idiots that are out there that want to fight everything we say and don’t believe shit, I seriously want to eat the eyes of half my customers…
October 29th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Literally laughed out loud (for once) through the whole thing.
Best parts:
“That’s just what gay sex looks like when you see it for the first time.”
“As far as this quiz knows, I can’t do math or stack objects, I’ve killed several drifters and I did great in math class while working as an object stacker. I’d like to think that by the time I finished, a computer somewhere was screaming and shooting itself in the mouth.”
October 29th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
you guys reply to everything pizzacat says, when its obvious its doctorchaos from way back under a new guise
October 29th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Kids on TV shows are always stupid. Kids in Movies on the other hand are supposed to be Scrappy Doo level annoying to the point you’re rooting for the monster/killer/army of gerbils.
October 29th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
This article is excellent. No, not excellent… what’s better than excellent? Seanbaby. This article is Seanbaby.
October 29th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
I do find the humor in your article. However, I work at Best Buy. I have BA and a Master’s degree, and when our economy went belly up they were the only company willing to give me a job. Maybe the issue isn’t with Best Buy, but with you. I suspect you look like one of those people who always seems lost. I bet your parents but you on a leash as a kid.
Also, I agree with everything else, I went on a plane for the first time a couple of months ago. I tried to follow all the precautions, but I had forgotten to check my laptop bag throughly. It wasn’t until my return flight, let me say that again, my return flight that the security found a knife that I had forgotten in my bag. I told them to throw it away, but I was shocked that they had not found until my return flight. And the only reason they did was because I left a bottle of water in my bag.
October 29th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
by “artice” i meant article.
October 29th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Shit Pizzacat. i think i just laughed harder at your fucking stupidity than at the artice. (which i did love. thanks seanbaby!)
speeling mistake? honestly?
Speeling? how can you defend your spelling if you cant spell “spelling.”
and he didnt say “homophobic” he said “homophones”, you dumb twat.
ps. “n” is a letter. not a conjucton.
October 29th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
“Your chimp idea could save taxpayers billions of dollars per year, save the airlines, and secure the free world. It would also give air travel that special chic cachet that it has lost. Godspeed sir.”
Chimps wouldn’t put up with the morons that the average guard has to suffer through on a daily basis. They’d rip their arms off and pelt them with feces.
On second thought I endorse the chimp plan. I’ll even volunteer to tape the Chimp-tantrums and put them on youtube.
October 29th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Pizzacat’s confusion of “homophones” with “homophobia” is as funny as anything in this article.
But seriously. We should stop making fun of her. It’s the attention from random people that she craves, and everyone giving it to her is just bringing her back. Like a full garbage bin attracting a raccoon.
October 29th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
“speeling”
awesome!
October 29th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Pizzacat,
A homophone is a word that is pronounced the same as another word but spelled differently. Example: there and their.
Dude, no one was calling you homophobic. If you don’t know the meaning of a word, look it up. Seriously, just chill. And you made another “speeling” mistake. Also, FYI, “mommies” should be “mommy’s.”
Back to the article which is awesome,
“If a DVD has a picture of a cheeseburger on it, can you eat it?” Yes, but only if you use use the red crayon to add ketchup.
“Do you realize that there’s an entire generation of children whose first interaction with education is watching traffic accidents and handjobs get interrupted by rapping dinosaurs?”
Woah… there are dinosaurs that rap? SHIT! CAN I MEET THESE DINOSAURS?! THAT’S FUCKING AWESOME!!
October 29th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Pizzacat: Successful troll is successful
October 29th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
no, you’re just a troll, pizzacat.
October 29th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
I laughed so hard at this!
October 29th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Pizzacat is clearly making fun of best buy with sarcasm on the internet, which is like saying something stupid and waving a sign that says “Just Kidding!” in pitch darkness.
October 29th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
@pl
just cause i made 1 speeling mistake does not mean im stupid so shut it you mommies boy n i am not homophobic u fag
October 29th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
I’m surprised people in infomercials didn’t make the list.
October 29th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
@pizzacat: Talking about intelligence would work a lot better spelled correctly and without abusing homophones.
October 29th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Hey Pyx, sand in your vagina much?
October 29th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
“People lined up for Twilight would be gunned down as vampires.”
Only in my wildest fantasies.
October 29th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
I am thinking of a chart… and it says…
If you failed at x, try y.
Lemme see. What it shows is that if you fail at anything, even one of these jobs, you could still be an airport security guard.
So shouldn’t it be number one?
Your chimp idea could save taxpayers billions of dollars per year, save the airlines, and secure the free world. It would also give air travel that special chic cachet that it has lost. Godspeed sir.
October 29th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
4 should have been 5 (edit button req.).
October 29th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
“im a manager at best buy n i pride myself in my intlligant workers who love there job”
First Mr. Intelligent… LEARN HOW TO SPELL THE FUCKING ‘INTELLIGENT!’
2. Manager of Best Buy and Intelligent ANYTHING is an Oxymoron… MORON!
3. ‘there’ should have been ‘their’ (again… you fucking MORON!).
4. ‘n’ and ‘i’ mean what exactly?!
4. Shut the fuck up… go stock your God-damned shelves! You’re costing BestBuy customers you stupid piece of shit!
Go to http://www.NeilsNotes.com and suck on it HARD!!! You deserve it!
October 29th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
bored in my last year of law school, i decided to read this article during business entities, the most boring class on the planet. i’m not a big laugher, i’ll chuckle inside, but I just don’t laugh out loud ever so I never worry about keeping quiet in class. well, now i’m sitting in the hallway after being excused and asked “what is so funny” by my professor and responding “best buy employees.”
October 29th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
I was laughing pretty steadily throughout, but the Best Buy part actually put me in tears of laughter…
October 29th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
pwnt
October 29th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
again cracked disgusts me and fails to crack me up
im a manager at best buy n i pride myself in my intlligant workers who love there job
October 29th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
I usually hate your work Seanbaby, but this was very funny. Nice to see you’re moving away from all the MMA/UFS articles…
October 29th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
I usually tell the Best Buy employees that I’m just browsing to make them go away. Seems to work every time.
Actually, it’s more likely that I tend to look like a serial rapist whenever I have a hoodie on (which is almost always) and have some degree of facial hair (I only shave once a week). Yeah, it’s probably that.
October 29th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
u pissed off pyx, he must work in best buy XD
October 29th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
final pic is amazing
October 29th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Circuit City would replace Best Buy in inefficiency if they were still alive.
October 29th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
O.k.
So you list ‘fat people near trapdoors’ as an occupation and show one grainy image set of someone falling into a hole. You come up with no argument as to how this always happens to every fat person when they get near a trap door and leave it there.
You list ‘healthcare practitioner’ based on the fact that you went to a super-professional, random and free online occupational aptitude test and answered every question as nonsensically as possible.
Then you go into a very specific rant about Best buy employees because it just makes you SOOO mad that people who are paid to assist customers have the audacity to ever offer you help when you’re standing around in an aisle of the store chatting and looking like you might have a question or something.
You could probably list supplementary internet comedy article writer in here. I assume that that is an actual paid occupation as opposed to the fat person near a trap door industry (which everyone knows the bottom fell out of with the advent of the Industrial Revolution when fat people and trap doors became mechanized)
October 29th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Best Buy Sucks
They never have what we are looking for, and the deafening bass from the stereo section gives me a headache, so we refuse to shop there anymore.
October 29th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
But but…. I work at a place with people and I’m not dumb! Everyone else is dumb! Not me! The customers and the rules are dumb! I could never be mistaken as a dumb person! You should hear about all the times I’ve had interactions with dumb people that made them look really dumb! So you’re the dummy for thinking I’m dumb seanbaby!
October 29th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
[...] 7 Great Occupations for Horribly Stupid People [...]
October 29th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Apparently Stupid BB Employee is right on the money. I used to work at Best Buy in Geek Squad but still had to help on the floor from time to time. I can’t count how many customers would stand, looking at movies, then ask if we carry a certain film only to have it directly in front of them.
Besides when you work a 9 hour day with a 30 min lunch break, you kinda stop giving a rat’s @$$ and your brain turns to much. Anyone who has worked a ton of retail can tell you that it takes a bit of your soul.
October 29th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
I dunno about bestbuy but I used to work in a textbook store and the manager would scream at us if we didn’t ask every single customer if they needed help with anything. Loved the article, though.
October 29th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
I still think airport security should be #1 on the list.
October 29th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
The stupidity of Best Buy Employees is corporate-mandated. Believe it or not, the constant assault of half-assed questions is something that is trained into every employee and enforced by management that, well, let’s just say at one point they were “super” employees. Being in the employ of said company, I like to see that kind of stuff called out, well done!
October 29th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Though I am in no way defending the stupidity of Best Buy employees (I work with a lot of dumb assholes), but it is mandatory to contact customers and build “TRUST” with them. Trust me, we don’t really want to help you anymore than you want us to.
October 29th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
HAHA! I get that same thing at best buy too! I always think it’s funny when I know more than them about something and I ask them a question and there like duuuhhhhhhh. I actually heard a few guys make up some answer to sound like they new what they were talking about.
Sellbits.com - “The Simple Way To Sell”
October 29th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
I’m a BB employee. It’s mandatory that we contact customers and attempt to build a relationship with them. There are times when a security camera films our interactions with customers. This “game tape” is often shown at store wide meetings if you have an exceptionally good or bad interaction. We also get secret shoppers frequently. I may not be the smartest person in the world, but I am smart enough to know that it’s not great to be caught with bad game tape or a bad review from a secret shopper. If we contact people, we’re annoying. If we leave them alone they bitch and moan about poor customer service. Pick your poison.
October 29th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
seanbaby = the man
October 29th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
I did the FutuerProof quiz too, and I got Investigations. Maybe FutureProof wasn’t referring to Doctors or Nurses or Detectives at all. By combining the results the only job that fits is “Health Inspector”, and you only need to chomp down on one half-cooked rat in a Mexican restaurant to realize FutureProof’s accuracy.
October 29th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Health Care Practitioner ?
Are you retarded or what ?
You have no respect for logic
October 29th, 2009 at 11:14 am
“How many internets come in this box?”
Brilliant. Also,
“What kind of Tv do you have?” “Medium”
October 29th, 2009 at 11:14 am
With a couple exceptions, I don’t think this was one of seanbaby’s better efforts. But if you want to see something that is almost 100% hilarious, go to his site and click on “Superfriends”. Now THAT’S gold.
October 29th, 2009 at 11:05 am
I’m not a huge fan of Seanbaby, but this is gold.
October 29th, 2009 at 10:57 am
@someguyinaz– no she didn’t…asshole.
October 29th, 2009 at 10:54 am
@ SadiZombie
I really don’t know what to say to someone who criticizes another person’s grammar, then fails to use any commas or internal punctuation. You lose! Good day, sir!
October 29th, 2009 at 10:48 am
really funny. laughed too out loud at work. the comics we’re brilliant too. seanbaby is much more funny when he tones down the vulgarity and ups the weirdness.
btw, best buy employees and model service representatives compared to fry’s employees.
October 29th, 2009 at 10:45 am
um someguyinaz she’s not dead she was on kimmel’ so shut it up’ this guys funny
October 29th, 2009 at 10:43 am
That’s why, whenever I must go to Best Buy, I talk to the Apple representatives.
October 29th, 2009 at 10:41 am
Loved it. Great job.
October 29th, 2009 at 10:31 am
Sounds to me like the customers of Best Buy tend to be stupider than the employees themselves. Has it ever occured to you that maybe the employees are just trying to help? Blame store policy, not the people who are forced to follow it. Next time you need to find something, they should just leave you to fend for yourself.
October 29th, 2009 at 10:28 am
This was tits to the wall brilliant. Also a hellicopter. I might have turrets. Or Tourette’s. But turrets are way more awesome. This is the “private” part of the internets, right? Anyway. What was I saying?
October 29th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Hey seanbaby, the lady who fell down the trap door died in real life. Nice work, asshole.
October 29th, 2009 at 10:20 am
fat person near trapdoor is an occupation? what’s the pay?
October 29th, 2009 at 10:12 am
I just took the Future Proof your Career quiz and failed every question and got Heathcare Practicioner.
Keep in mind that I answered one of those questions as not having any inclination to care about the well-being of others.
XD
October 29th, 2009 at 10:03 am
Actually Ecco Domani, I often have to ask for games at the counter at a certain game chain. At this certain game chain, the employees love to “rent” the newest games before they come out and right after they come out so none are one shelves and if they do have any, they are open from the employees renting.
So I ask them to give me a sealed copy because I don’t trust them. Yes, I say that to their face.
By the way, it’s Gamestop.
October 29th, 2009 at 10:02 am
I decided to take that same quiz and do the same thing and the result….healthcare practitioner. hilarious
October 29th, 2009 at 9:46 am
How coincidental! I was just talking to a friend last night while at Best Buy about how annoying the employees are. It was like one worker right after the other kept asking us if we were doing okay. D:
This article was awesome, by the way!
October 29th, 2009 at 9:43 am
funny, but at ALL the best buys in my area, you can’t GET an employee to help you find something. standing near the display doesn’t help. picking up an item doesn’t help. i actually even stopped on who was pushing a cart full of dvd’s and cd’s to ask for something and he stared at his cart, then me, then back at his cart, all the while saying “uuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…” I grew up working in retail, and to me the 1st commandment was your 1st rule was ALWAYS wait on customers first. Don’t know why these particular stores are so much worse than what seems to be the norm everywhere else.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:39 am
HEY ASSFUCKER THAT WROTE THIS
I ENJOYED THIS ARTICLE
JUST LETTING YOU KNOW CUNT WAGON
THE TRAP DOOR PART WAS MY FAVORITE
October 29th, 2009 at 9:35 am
Two things from this are still making me laugh: 1) The Doctor conversation.
2) The idea that for some reason a baby’s natural tag team partner is a houseplant.
Well done, sir.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:31 am
@ SteelTesseract: remember that the cracked comments section is for serious debate only and that you should have your MLA handbook near you at all times to make sure you write your comments in the proper style.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:28 am
Hilarious! The barney conversation, the fat people near trap doors (that’s a rapidly expanding career field btw), and the sci-fi cop conversation were excellent.
And yeah, I agree with what most of the commenters said about retail employees. I used to work at Sharper Image and Radioshack and, while there are certainly a good portion of utterly incompetent employees, even those who are intelligent are forced to hound customers with ridiculous pitches or generally just like fucking with people because they’re bored out of their minds. Plus, after working there for awhile, you lose faith that the average IQ of a customer (or even other employees sometimes) is about that of the Barney kid up there.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:26 am
I don’t work at Best Buy, but I work at a game store, and I never before realized how dumb some people actually are. At least once an hour people will ask me where something is, and I always have to fight the urge to say, “Ummmmm. Everything in the store is alphabetized. Do you know your alphabet?”
October 29th, 2009 at 9:21 am
make that “has” into “have”, 2nd paragraph, halfway through the second line down.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:19 am
Skitch, do you mean “retained”? Or perhaps “restrained”? Because I’m not even sure if “retrained” is a word, and if it is, it makes no sense there. Also, are you saying that Best Buy not only encourages employees to annoy customers (in what world would that make a customer want to come back?), but also believes that being “slaughtered” is annoying? I’m not even sure that someone who’s just been slaughtered CAN be annoyed. One last question, are you shitting into a diaper right now?
P.S. I’m just messin with you. I completely agree with you that retail organizations (and basically any other type of hierarchical bureaucracy) has absolutely no degree of common sense, but that those who work at the bottom of the food chain have no choice but to do whatever crazy shit their boss tells them too. I’ve often wondered how the hell they always manage to find the stupidest ones, and then subsequently put THEM in charge of stuff.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:17 am
The Best Buy thing pretty much goes for anyone in retail. I work at Target and we’re threatened with execution if we don’t ask “CAN I HELP YOU FIND SOMETHING?” to EVERY. FUCKING. GUEST. EVER.
So naturally, 90% of the guests look at me like I’m an obnoxious douchebag, while the other 10% needs help with finding something RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM.
God, I love my job.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:12 am
[...] Well, we could link fun articles from cracked.com… 7 Great Occupations for Horribly Stupid People | Cracked.com [...]
October 29th, 2009 at 9:08 am
I work at Best Buy too lol. Every day I have people come up to me and ask me for crap they’re standing 4 feet away from, followed by an amazed “omg you’re the smartest person EVER” expression on their face. Or people who ask where the electronics section is. I take them to the books and tell them to take 2 steps in any direction.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:06 am
“Which of your puny wombs shall have the honor of housing my boiling eggs!?” is now my new favorite pickup line.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:04 am
As an airport screener I have to admit, common sense isn’t encouraged at the security checkpoints.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:01 am
and on another note @Jason Vorhees yay X)-
October 29th, 2009 at 8:59 am
@ sadizombie…..
its a post reply to an article its a joke calm the F$%^ down and get the stick outta your bum about grammar
@burnisal
yes it was a joke….I did work at Best Buy and did get promoted but not for merit or skill but because Best Buy is staffed and mandated by morons……i should note however that you can’t beat the employee discount
October 29th, 2009 at 8:58 am
@whatdoyoumean
Muhammad is the most common name on earth, how do you know the person is muslim?
October 29th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Great article!
As a former Best Buy employee, I can tell you that it’s not only them, but EVERY retail organization, that pushes you to annoy customers during their visit. You have to not only ask stupid questions but repeatedly push other things like gift cards, memberships, rewards or whatever “product du jour” the corporate morons have a bug up their rectum about.
And then there’s dealing with idiot customers…and that’s a whole other story. Being in retail in some way for most of my adult life, I’m surprised I’m not retrained in a rubber room somewhere or on trial for several cases of manslaughter.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:49 am
I usually look like I have a purpose when I walk into a Best Buy…do not make eye contact.
Maybe I’m just creepy.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:48 am
solid gold
October 29th, 2009 at 8:46 am
seanbaby…you make funny articles. i enjoy reading them.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:43 am
what do you mean by ‘nice try, muhammad’ ?
maybe the western world is just as stupid as they say they are. Muslims are not terrorists. Just because a minority of muslims are said to perform such ‘terrorist’ acts, doesnt mean everyone is.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:39 am
As a Best Buy employee, I’ve found that people actually are that stupid. Both customers and employees.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:37 am
Congratulations, Seanbaby. I bet you’ve never had someone come onto the comments section and immediately prove your insinuation that they were stupid correct.
That or SteelTesseract’s comment was meant to be taken ironically.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:32 am
It’s true. At any retail outlet, the stupid people are (usually) the customers. I worked in the electronics department at a Wal-Mart for a while, and one day, this woman asked me where the “moats” were. I said, “Ma’am, we don’t sell castles.” She said, “No. The MOATS.” I said, “Right. The trenches you dig around castles to keep people out. If you need a shovel, hardware is that way.”
Finally, I understood she wanted a universal remote control for a TV.
OK, most of that is made up except for the part about an old woman looking for “moats.” I knew what she wanted, but I had to mess with her a little.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:28 am
Once again, you rock Seanbaby
October 29th, 2009 at 8:18 am
I work at Best Buy, you have no idea how many people can’t find a DVD even though they’re all alphabetized. we’re not stupid, we just deal with a lot of stupid questions and requests.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:15 am
I always thought the dumbest people worked under Bush…
October 29th, 2009 at 8:14 am
@SteelTesseract
I really don’t know what to say to someone that worked at Best Buy who received all of those raises and promotions and still doesn’t know how to type a proper paragraph.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:13 am
1) Dog walkers. I mean, wtf? You can’t walk your 4-legged dependent on your own? No time? Don’t fucking buy it then. 2) Rap artist hanger-on. Yeah, there’s Snoop…and like 6 other money leeches in his entourage all trying so very hard to “contribute” (swim in in the wake of). 3) Generic slasher film villain. Don’t chase down your prey, walk @ gruelingly slow speeds, fall for the most hackneyed ploys, die foolishly. 4) Red Shirts…’nuff said. 5) Anyone on the Jedi Council. Cosmic powers of intuition, amazing insights, wisdom of the ancients…can’t detect very real/obvious problems right in front of them. 6) Forgive me for this one (Batman, Spiderman, etc), most any Hero w/ a code; kill the fucking villain! He’s just gonna’ ruin more lives.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:13 am
This is some great shit. Word balloon comedy at it’s best.
And I know it was supposed to be laughs, but I did a 6-month stint at Best Buy right out of high school. All I can say is that the average customer sounded exactly like that broad up there with the goddamn stupid fucking questions.
It got to the point where I purposely fucked with these idiots until they lost their mind and demanded to see the manager (played by a co-worker friend of mine, who was also part of the bit).
So yeah, it’s not that the employees are all that dumb, it’s those clueless fucking mouth breathing swine that show up by the hundreds every day.
They’ll also happen to be the target demographic that will line up around the block to die a painfully slow crippling death from the SWINE-FLU VACCINE this winter.
Oh, the Irony!
October 29th, 2009 at 8:11 am
The fat people/ trap door comic almost made me suffocate with laughter.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:09 am
“Thank God you’re here! Can you tell me what letter Hitch begins with?” Gold.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:56 am
Wait randomname, what’s a mouse?
October 29th, 2009 at 7:54 am
I don’t know about the others, but pro-wrestling referees actually choreograph the entire ‘match’ live. One needs to be extremely agile mentally to do such a thing - it’s like being an improv actor and director all rolled into one.
Also, you are a wee bit unfair on airport security guards. Either you are unaware that they are ordered to behave on a no-tolerance policy on packages that can hold liquids or, if you are aware, perhaps laying into them for something they are ordered to do isn’t the best thing.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:52 am
I take that personally when i worked at Best Buy i made it a personal goal to never be seen talking to or helping anyone…customers coworkers lost children. as far as im concerned my job description was wander aimlessly and pretend to be deaf. I worked there for 3 years and took 4 raises and 3 promotions.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:46 am
Many internets to you seanbaby!
October 29th, 2009 at 7:45 am
i’d like a copy of that career aptitude test.. accompanied by a transcript of your answering thought process
October 29th, 2009 at 7:42 am
This made me laugh so hard.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:29 am
Seanbaby, we all know you could take on these Cracked jokers blindfolded with one arm tied behind your back. Considering that Cracked is “America’s only humor and video site”, they are basically saying that seanbaby.com is not funny. They are telling you that you suck, right to your face. Are you going to take that shit from these clowns? RISE UP SEANBABY! CRACKED CAN BE YOURS!
October 29th, 2009 at 7:26 am
So that’s where all of the Best Buy employees are! I was starting to think that “not on commission!” meant “do not exist!”
October 29th, 2009 at 7:24 am
‘What does it take to sell televisions? It takes brass balls to sell televisions’
-Alec Baldwin, Best Buy consultant
October 29th, 2009 at 7:19 am
I used to work in airport security, and to be fair, those people aren’t so much stupid as broken by the system, the difference of course being that if some idiot tries to get through with a shotgun, the guy who finds it is likely to seize it, and then pull a Kurt Cobain.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:16 am
Dear Mr Baby
It just so happens that you have listed all the jobs I have taken in my career path. Thanks for making me feel like shit.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:15 am
Ummm, the people at TSA are not generally stupid.
Do people actually think that they are allowed to make exceptions and don’t?
They just forced to follow stupid rules or get fired.
If anything, the Department of Homeland Security are full of idiots.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:11 am
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October 29th, 2009 at 7:10 am
You forgot bouncers at clubs.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:05 am
Awesome article!!!
October 29th, 2009 at 7:05 am
Mmmmm…. ice cream…..
October 29th, 2009 at 7:04 am
I used to work at CompUSA, and they make you constantly bother the customers, or they fire you. Also, that ending was 100% accurate.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:03 am
“how many internets come in this box?” is now a meme.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:03 am
I want seanbabys babys. In a bucket with some scotch.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:00 am
Dustin below me is absolutely right. The managers force you to talk to EVERYBODY in your department. While asking dumb ass questions that you know dont need to be asked. The only good part about working at Best Buy is getting to steal movie and videogames from the back room a week before they officially come out.
October 29th, 2009 at 6:45 am
i didnt read the shit he wrote, just the funny bubbles!
October 29th, 2009 at 6:38 am
“The seventh law of thermodynamics is that every time a fat person gets near a trapdoor, they fall in.”
/dies
October 29th, 2009 at 6:38 am
It says a lot about my (lack of) maturity, but the “shitting in a diaper” thing made me laugh aloud.
October 29th, 2009 at 6:36 am
After working at Best Buy, it’s not like the employees WANT to talk to every single person that walks around them. It’s the supervisors/managers forcing them to…or else. Though sometimes I would try anything to talk to people so I wouldn’t walk around humming and going crazy from the loop of THREE! songs that played all damn day. But then you get customers like a lady who came up and complained about the Planet Earth DVD playing saying it was inappropriate because the wolf was killing a small animal. Whatever. BB can suck it.
October 29th, 2009 at 6:24 am
Great article. Somehow I’m not to suprised about the careers that ended up on there. I am suprised though that politics didn’t make it on the list.
October 29th, 2009 at 6:15 am
The biggest lol was @ the picture of the reporter saying that Texas A&M blew a load down their rivals mouth. What really happened was that A&M passed off the monster load K-State delivered to them back to Texas Tech.
October 29th, 2009 at 6:08 am
I work for TSA, thanks seanbaby………..
October 29th, 2009 at 6:02 am
Seanbaby, you never fail to amaze.
October 29th, 2009 at 6:02 am
Sadly, I’ve worked in consumer electronics for a while, and have had many, many, many conversations like that one with customers. It’s really quite sad, and it does make you retarded and/or extremely violent after a while. Great article.
October 29th, 2009 at 6:00 am
LolTexasTech
October 29th, 2009 at 5:58 am
I haven’t worked for best buy, but any kind of tech support is so brain numbingly bad you should be able to file for worker’s comp. I’ve got calls that were so bad it was inconceivable that it wasn’t a joke. I actually had to ask a caller once how many buttons were on their mouse to figure out what OS they were using. And another who wasn’t familiar with the term “icon”. And another… aww fuck it, I’m going to go cry in the corner for a bit and then get violently drunk.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:58 am
I worked at Best Buy in college. The managers make you contact (i.e. annoy the shit out of) every customer. And they check on you, constantly. You aren’t allowed to just stand around or even just walk up and down the aisles. You must, at all times, be interacting with the customers. On the other hand, 90% of my customers (all ages) could not locate their own DVDs or CDs, and during the holidays, about 75% simply hand you some kid’s list and tell you they’ll be looking at TVs while you find everything for them.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:49 am
“Lines for Twilight would be gunned down as vampires.”
Hmmm… You say that like it’s a bad thing.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:48 am
AWESOME article. “So, NOW who’s crazy?” ROFL!
October 29th, 2009 at 5:34 am
Ballistic: Why don’t you do it? Oh! Then maybe you could share with us your views on airline peanuts, cuz’ YOU’RE JUST SO GODDAMNED FUNNY!!!
October 29th, 2009 at 5:34 am
How many internets is there in that box anyway
October 29th, 2009 at 5:32 am
Ballistic, did you really just say that? Where’s your kindergarten teacher and why are you awake during nap time?
October 29th, 2009 at 5:17 am
awesome article. Xmas tree-st!
October 29th, 2009 at 5:16 am
As a former airport security guard I can say that the regulations that we have to follow are excessively stupid. Most airport security guards are not stupid, but are asked to follow these pointless procedures that makes everybody hate them.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:13 am
I would have added an 8th great occupation for incredibly stupid people: Cracked writer that goes by the moniker ‘Seanbaby’.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:59 am
“The seventh law of thermodynamics is that every time a fat person gets near a trap door, they fall in. It’s the closest thing we have to scientific proof of God.”
This is the best thing I’ve read in a while. Hilarious.
Although is “fat trap door victim” an occupation? If so, why the fuck hasn’t anyone told me about this before?! All those wasted years of studying when I could be putting my natural portliness and lack of co-ordination to good use…
October 29th, 2009 at 4:59 am
delightful. well put.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:52 am
“How many Internets come in this box?” Great line.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:49 am
Pro-wrestling referees, laugh out loud… absolutely stupid
October 29th, 2009 at 4:47 am
I used to work at Best Buy… and yes, you do become retarded.
Although, you forgot to mention listening to “Our Lips Are Sealed” (I haven’t worked there in a few years) for the 500th time. I still have panic attacks when I hear that song.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:39 am
You are my biggest fan Seanbaby…oh shit i mean IM YOUR biggest fan mah bruddha Funny shit like always
October 29th, 2009 at 4:24 am
What’s the 4th, 5th and 6th laws of thermodynamics? Maybe those are the proposed areas that govern junk punches.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:24 am
This wasn’t the funniest thing I’ve ever read, but it did hold back the uncontrollable sobs a few more minutes. Thanks, man.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:21 am
ahaha, once again, laugh out loud material