It was recently announced that Hole In The Wall - a popular Japanese game show where contestants contort their bodies to fit through oddly-shaped holes - will soon be coming to America. And while I’m thrilled to have a ridiculous new television show to watch, I can’t help but picture the American TV executives throwing up their hands in frustration and saying, “Fuck it - let’s do the one where the people have to make themselves shapes.”
It could be a good thing, though: Japan has all kinds of awesome ideas about what makes for good television, and if this becomes a new trend, we could be in for some crazy things in seasons to come. Network executives take note: here’s how you make a good TV show.
THE CONCEPT: Say you’ve got an idea for a show and it’s not particularly exciting - like one where the contestants have to push a sliding door really far, and if they can’t do it, a woman eats something stinky and blows her gross breath in their faces through a glass tube. On its surface that might sound like a recipe for failure, but here’s an idea: put the contestants in bug suits and make the woman with the terrible breath a spider. Within hours you’ll have an smash TV hit on your hands, and you’ll be scrambling to think up spinoffs and find a decent sweatshop to mass produce bug suits emblazoned with the show’s logo. Soon you’ll be rich and you’ll have your own TV network where everyone wears bug suits on every single show, but by then the viewers will be burned out on watching people run around in bug suits and your company will go bankrupt. Then you’ll be like, “Why, Ross?! Why did you tell me to always dress my contestants in bug suits?!” and I’ll be like, “Why didn’t you read any further than the first lesson?! Way to start a company and fail, dipshit.”
AMERICAN TV APPLICATIONS: American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, Deal or No Deal
THE CONCEPT: There is nothing more satisfying to the average television viewer than watching a fellow Homo sapien experience excruciating pain. Whether you’re baffling your contestants with oddly-placed obstacles, tormenting them with vile-tasting powders, or causing permanent damage to their spinal cords by having them slip and fall on a well-greased staircase, the “people hurting themselves for money” format is a tried-and-true formula for success that is guaranteed to do wonders for your bottom line.
But why stop at physical torment? Try dangling some spiders in front of arachnophobics, or forcing a guy to put together a jigsaw puzzle over and over and over again in a clockless, windowless room. Glue a pair of headphones to a contestant’s head and force them to listen to “Sugar, Sugar” day and night for a month straight. Sure, they’ll complain at first about being psychologically tortured, but they’ll pipe down after you tell them they’ve won FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!
AMERICAN TV APPLICATIONS: The Hills, Survivor, The View
THE CONCEPT: People like wrestling, and people like octopuses, so why wouldn’t they want to watch a guy wrestle an octopus? Do the math: If half of all people like wrestling, and half of all people like octopuses, then a show featuring a guy wrestling an octopus will appeal to, oh, let’s see - let me do some quick calculations here… oh, yeah - EVERYONE ON EARTH.
It’s all about combining niche markets. Just because you can only broadcast one show at a time doesn’t mean that you can only cater to one demographic! Want to reach more male viewers on your female-oriented morning talk show? Make it a naked talk show. Want to reach more teenagers on your cop drama? Give the main detective a Fall Out Boy t-shirt and make him talk about how his parents don’t understand him. Need more white viewers for your sitcom about an African-American family? Make them eat paninis.
Other possible combinations might include a home repair show that teaches you self-defense, a cooking show for single dads that runs personal ads at the bottom of the screen, or a sitcom about a gay car mechanic that lives with a black zoologist who’s trying to learn how to paint watercolor landscapes. Don’t be afraid to get creative, but remember: If at all possible, try to make a guy wrestle an octopus.
Seriously. That’s the best one.
AMERICAN TV APPLICATIONS: American Gladiators, WWE Smackdown, House (House goes on a tropical vacation and encounters an ornery octopus while snorkeling)
Over the course of millions of years, evolution has provided mankind with facial muscles that are capable of expressing numerous unique emotions. Using this ancient non-verbal form of communication, we can express everything from joy to fury, desire to disgust, love to hate. We can also strap rubber bands around our faces and try to eat marshmallows dangling from strings. It will make our faces look funny, and c’mon - everyone likes a good funny face.
If you don’t have a rubber band or marshmallows handy, other funny face options include the “Home Alone” (palms on the cheeks), the “Steamed Larry” (red-faced, smoke coming out of the ears - named after Larry, the maddest guy of all time), and the classic “I Can’t Believe It!” (rub eyes with closed fists while making squeaking noises, follow up quickly with several exaggerated blinks).
AMERICAN TV APPLICATIONS: To Catch A Predator, Grey’s Anatomy, Charlie Rose
When all else fails, when you’re at your wit’s end and your boss is breathing down your neck, urging you to find the next “big thing” and you’re coming up blank, when that special you came up with, Crashing Cars On Purpose didn’t do so hot and you’re starting to think to yourself, “Geez, maybe I’m not cut out for working in TV,” mark my words: DON’T QUIT. Instead, take a deep breath, straighten your tie, and dust yourself off. Then march down the hallway, storm into your boss’s office with your head held high and confidently proclaim, “SIR - I’VE GOT IT!” Then he’ll look up at you and be like, “You’ve got what?” and you’ll be like, “Oh, sorry - I figured out the next big thing. You know - for TV. Like we were talking about before.” Then he’ll be like, “Oh, yeah - what is it?” Then you’ll be like, “Uhh, well, it’s kind of hard to explain. Here - let me show you something on YouTube.” Then he’ll be like, “I can’t use YouTube - it’s blocked by the firewall,” and you’ll be like, “But you’re the CEO!” and he’ll be like, “I know - it’s crazy, isn’t it?” Then you’ll explain this video to him and he’ll be like “Whoa - that sounds awesome,” and then there will be all these people on TV jumping over hurdles while running on giant treadmills, and then hey, congratulations! You just saved television!
AMERICAN TV APPLICATIONS: This could effectively replace every single television show that I can think of.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 18th, 2008 at 7:00 am and is filed under Japan, TV, Video. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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April 11th, 2009 at 10:18 am
what the?! all the videos are down!
January 6th, 2009 at 7:12 am
if you want laughs look up 24 hour tag on youtube, its exactly how it sounds except when you get caught you get a cruel and unusual punishment, for example, kickboxer, bamboo sword or headbutt. makes for hours of endless laughs.
December 26th, 2008 at 9:52 am
Where is an “unsubmit comment” button when I need one?
December 26th, 2008 at 9:39 am
Everyone who likes wrestling hates octopuses. Everyone who likes octopuses hates wrestling.
There, we’ve got your 100% Ross. Good thing I came by 6 months after everything had gotten really, really stale and saved the day.
On second thought, none of these people would like octopus wrestling…fuck it
December 4th, 2008 at 6:13 am
Most of the vids have been removed.
Gutted.
November 13th, 2008 at 2:30 am
Okay… for that last one, the video is blocked…. that’s part of the joke, right? So that everyone fails the last one because the video is blocked? RIGHT?!
October 8th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
i love japanese game shows, cuz they frankly kick american gameshows ass’s (how do you write the plural of ass?)
comon, deal or no deal, survivor, who wants to be a millionaire, all fucking retarded and way to serious and fundamentaly lacking weird obstacle courses made from stirofoam and spray paint 5 min before the show was filmed
now its important to note that only the japanese have this art finally tuned
i live in thailand and their gameshows suck
all of em consists of some glitter whores and a fag who talk for hours while the contestants occasionaly flip a panel for a prize or throw balls into a basket. however occasionaly u get to see them sing and dance
almost makes me wana watch are you smarter than a 5th grader….but not really
July 3rd, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Lessons I’ve learned from Cracked.com on how to make a post about Japanese Game Shows:
1) Go to YouTube and search for videos posted by JapanProbe.com
2) Make a post with the videos embedded
3) Don’t link the sources
June 24th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
Yeah, none of these are gameshows. They’re jackass-style physical comedy shows, and the competitors are all comedians.
I’m also a little confused about why these video clips are all really really popular on American internet sites, but the comments are always how the Japanese are weird for liking stuff like this, and not that the Americans are weird for liking stuff like this.
June 21st, 2008 at 2:30 am
[...] Eccovi l’ennesima, assurda sfida televisiva giapponese; una delle tante gare create al solo scopo di umiliare i partecipanti e divertire il pubblico, proprio come il famosissimo Tetris Umano. L’obiettivo? Riuscire a mangiare un marshmallow appeso ad un filo mentre un elastico vi trattiene per la testa. La novità? In questo caso l’intera sfida è stata pensata al solo scopo di permettere ai partecipanti di mostrare a tutto il Giappone (ed a tutto il mondo, grazie a YouTube) le loro facce più buffe ed imbarazzanti. Credetemi: non avete mai visto facce più ridicole di queste. Pur essendo grata a questi piccoli grandi eroi, perchè ogni giorno strappano una risata a milioni di famiglie nipponiche ed ad altrettanti internet-dipendenti, a volte mi chiedo quale sia il premio in palio per convincere i partecipanti a sottoporsi a questo genere di torture. Secondo voi? [via Cracked] [...]
June 20th, 2008 at 10:19 am
I still like American games and American big manful guys @ P l u s M e e t . c o m____, where many sexy big boobs women, big booty women anf big manful guys mingle and seek fun&love together.
June 20th, 2008 at 4:15 am
Treadmill hurdles is one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen. Someone should make a weekly half-hour show of just that.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:50 am
Gaki no Tsukai ya arahende ist the best show ever !
Just search for “Gaki no tsukai” on youtube for hours of mad japanese hilarity !
June 20th, 2008 at 1:38 am
At 1:25 of the video #5 what’s with those weird folks behind the starter?
That would make a good photo for the “Craptions.”
June 19th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
#5 reminds in some weird way of “Feelyat” from Kids in the Hall. Pointless game in incomprehensible (to me) language.
June 19th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
ABC actually has a new show called “I survived a japanese game show” that features americans competing.
June 19th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
JcDent, iv seen one episode of takeshi’s castle where the contestants won…i was shocked…
June 19th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Or literature snobs at Starbucks.
I’ll give you Proust, you pretentious sons of bitches!
June 19th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
That’s pretty damn harsh, you’ve obviously never come across soccer hooligans.
June 19th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Japanese humans are the lowest life form nature ever has, and will produce.
June 19th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Bearman: you are both correct, octopuses, octopi and let mead my two cent in there octopodes…. everybody wins, don’t feel dirty be…”happy”
June 19th, 2008 at 11:02 am
[...] zijn echt gek. Op Cracked vinden ze dat ook, maar daar vinden ze dat op Japanse spelshows geïnspireerde programma’s de [...]
June 19th, 2008 at 7:38 am
Yeah, so far all America’s been able to offer to compete with Japanese fucked-upness has been Fear Factor. I believe Fear Factor is about eating fried horse anus or something. Extreme, I guess. Funny, no.
June 19th, 2008 at 6:58 am
# gdin Says:
June 18th, 2008 at 10:00 am
All videos shown here involve pain and humilliation.
______________________________________
i say that shows like xfactor dont have enough pain and humilliation. granted i feel a sharp stabbing pain in my soul whenever i hear someone talking about it but if the contestants want a slim chance of having my love and devotion, they better get on that damn treadmill and either jump over hurdles, through hoops or a combination of the two.
June 19th, 2008 at 5:37 am
“Picture “Jackass” except everyone on the show is already kinda famous.”
We have something similar in the UK, it’s called Balls of Steel, but it’s fucking awful.
They should do what I’ve seen on Japanese before and that’s get guys to strip down to their underwear and throw buckets of molten concrete onto them, and see how long it takes them to fall over.
You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a fat Japanese guy pelted with hardening building material and tumbling like the stone boulder in Indiana Jones.
June 19th, 2008 at 3:44 am
#1 and #5 are from the same program - Haneru no Tobira - which airs every week on Wednesday night. The games can vary, and they don’t always involve bug suits (although I love those).
To those who think of these as “game shows” - you’re wrong. There’s rarely any prizes, certainly none in the shows seen here. All the contestants you see are professional TV personalities (tarento, lit. “talent”), mostly comedians. Picture “Jackass” except everyone on the show is already kinda famous.
June 19th, 2008 at 2:28 am
I got hooked on Ninja Warrior last summer. I’ve seen all the Sasuke but the first and I agree, it is possible the greatest “sports” show ever.
June 19th, 2008 at 2:12 am
… did anyone else notice that the site name just above me was ’seek muslim incest .com’?
June 18th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
I really hope that seekmuslimincest.com really isn’t a website. Someone tell me if it is, b/c there is no way in hell that i’m clicking that link.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
A while back when TNN (the Nashville Network) was still around, they had a game show. We were all baked sitting around watching the rednecks play. Anyway, it comes to the last question, and they play the song, “Born in the USA”, the two remaining contestants have to guess who sings the song and they win. The one guy buzzes in and answers, “Bruce SpringField”. The MC looks at the judges and the MC says, “the judges say that’s close enough”. The guy wins a fishing boat. The other guy is standing there, saying WTF to himself, and we were roaring. Good Times…
June 18th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
You guys must not have heard of “Wipeout” which is basically an homage to Takeshi’s Castle. It’s going to start on ABC in a week or so.
What I’m really looking forward to is an import of “Ultimate Ninja Warrior.” I just recently started watching it on G4, and it’s possibly the greatest show on earth.
June 18th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
To JcDent:
I used to actually watch that insane show, and while it’s true that it’s both nuts and practically impossible to win, I saw ONE episode in which the contestants actually won. I don’t think they won anything other than maybe getting to take home their paper armor, but it was nice to see after seeing so many Japanese people hurt their groin.
June 18th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
There’s a lot of Muslim brothers and sisters I would like to have a long chat with. About stuff like, why is it that wherever there is a large number of Muslims there is always war, bombing or killings going on. This phenomenon is called Islam’s bloody borders. Look it up. This is an indisputable fact.
June 18th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
Looking for muslim brothers and sisters? a dating website? should be called http://www.seekmuslimincest.com
June 18th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
i dunno about this #5 thing, you can only see people falling so many times… wait, what if they were dressed in bug suits?
June 18th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
oh and WTF japan, seriously
June 18th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Ive always wanted to know where I could meet big boob womne. thanks plus meat.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
I hope the american version keeps the shiny suits. The show just wouldn’t be the same. In fact, we need a fast-talking japanese guy to host it as well, because that just makes the show what it is.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Takeshis Castle…what a show
June 18th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
I think the plural is “Octopi,” Ross. Octopi! Octopuses just sounds dirty.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Any of these game shows is better than “Survivor” which I stopped watching a long time ago because I got tired of watching people starve and compete in games the are ripoffs of games I played in grade school.
Now if the producers of Survivor had the contestests duke it out for food, say a machete
fight for a cheeseburger. I would watch that.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Why isn’t the octopus in a bug suit? That would be great tv!
June 18th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
When I was in Japan there actually weren’t many game shows on the two times I went. There were mostly cooking shows. Shows where they show someone preparing a dish and in the corner of the screen they have a shot of a person watching the preparation. Then it gets worse, they would show people eating it and the people in the lower portion of the screen are reacting in amazement. This seemed to the standard show.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
I still like American games and American big manful gusy @ P l u s M e e t . c o m____, where many big boob womne, big booty women anf big manful guys mingle and seek fun&romance together. There are also many hot sexy videos and photos….U can also enjoy the chat fun!
June 18th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
[...] Network executives take note: here’s how you make a good TV show. [...]
June 18th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Truer words were never spoken, Ken…I mean KwanzaFish!
June 18th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
you mean THERES A POINT TO MXC! woah, thats intense…
June 18th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Hulksmash, MXC is just an edited, american-dubbed version of Takeshi’s Castle which JcDent mentioned earlier.
June 18th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
dude.. whats wrong… the last three videos are not available which is pretty chitty
June 18th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
I would SO watch Dr. House wrestle an octopus! In fact, I would love to have 8 arms so I could audition for that role!
June 18th, 2008 at 11:08 am
V for rigodamndiculous Lesbian juggling Victory.
June 18th, 2008 at 10:31 am
What, no MXC?
June 18th, 2008 at 10:20 am
I still like American games and American big manful gusy @ P l u s M e e t . c o m____, where many big boob womne, big booty women anf big manful guys mingle and seek fun&romance together. There are also many hot sexy videos and photos….U can also enjoy the chat fun!
June 18th, 2008 at 10:00 am
All videos shown here involve pain and humilliation. WTF is wrong with Japan? And can I say again that JAPANESE ARE JUST FUCKIN’ WEIRD?
June 18th, 2008 at 9:47 am
Oh c’mon C! …japanese game shows are just the hilariously distorted interpretations derived from what they first saw of western culture. Think of it as placing a moldy american cheese in a japanese time capsule and opening it up 50 years later… oh what wonderful colours! what wonderful bug suits and octupii and hurdles!!
June 18th, 2008 at 9:23 am
Ellen does number 4 on her show. It’s hilarious!
June 18th, 2008 at 9:09 am
To all those people who think Japan is so socially advanced and wonderful and everything from japan is amazing I have only one thing to you say to you: Watch these videos and FUCK YOU
June 18th, 2008 at 9:04 am
The japanese have the best game shows by far. American ones give prizes away for pretty much doing nothing at all, but these… you must suffer for your prize! And that’s a good thing lol.
June 18th, 2008 at 8:35 am
The human tetris thing is already in America - well, South America. In Argentina we have a pretty popular version of it, and while it’s not half as retarded as the japanese version, it’s still pretty painful to watch.
June 18th, 2008 at 8:32 am
i think it caters to the “people who breathe” demographic
June 18th, 2008 at 8:29 am
They showed one japanese show here, called Takeshi Castle (or something): it’s soviet kind of warfare with japs. In the begining, they start with a fuckload of people. Then they have to charge a wall unarmed against guards with water pistols (so soviet). Their goal is to get over the wall without having their paper target (placed on their heads) shot through by the guards. In the end, after many many more obstacles that may not involve shooting, they end up in a tank battle with the same paper pieces reflecting armour. I’ve never seen anyone beat the defenders.
June 18th, 2008 at 8:16 am
I think it’s still part of the sadistic, “I like to see other get hurt, and if I could get away with it I wouldn’t have to watch shows like this one” demographic.
June 18th, 2008 at 7:56 am
Does #5 cater to the running demographic? Or to the not-running-therefore-likes-to-see-other-people-run-and-fall demographic?
June 18th, 2008 at 7:53 am
Are we sure that man’s wrestling that Octopus and not just having sex with it?