Before the late 1930s, the Earth’s ionosphere kept all transmissions safely on our planet. However, when we developed radar and television carrier waves, they punched directly through the ionosphere. We are now beaming every damn thing we say or do into outer space as if the ionosphere wasn’t even there. Thankfully, the theme of all science fiction ever is how much better we are than space. Let’s take a look at some of the messages that I hope our alien neighbors have received.
Manimal
The lack of barrier between us and space has created what I and probably future scientists call the “Manimal Sphere.” This is the expanding area of the universe that Earth is filling with Manimal broadcasts. Manimal is a show about a man who can turn into animals that first aired in 1983, which means that right now there is a wall of half-man/half-animal 153,000,000,000,000 miles away from us in every direction, and it’s traveling at the speed of light. If that didn’t just explode your brain, tell your brain to quit being a fucking idiot and explode.
In the grand scheme of things, the “Manimal Sphere” isn’t very big. In fact, using Christian math, that’s more like 28– barely the distance to Iowa. The point is, we’ll be long dead before that hits any star systems with cable. But if you’re a couple of outer space cow rapists and you fly through a Manimal brodcast wave, it’s probably going to get you thinking.
Independence Day
Ignore how the Fresh Prince of Bel Air can beat your deadliest star pilots in combat, or how Judd Hirsch can outwit your mothership’s software network. When you aliens are watching Independence Day, I hope what you really take away from it is this: Randy Quaid can kill you. That’s not good news, space monsters. Randy Quaid isn’t our best human. Here on Earth, we make Randy Quaid wear a helmet when he tries to think. Of Mice and Men was actually a Randy Quaid reality show. When a casting director can’t get an orangutan for a part, they call Randy Quaid, and they have to use a special summoning horn to do it because Randy Quaid eats anything that rings. Randy Quaid once farted from April of 1991 to November of 1993. The point is, if he can stop your space invasion, you are fucked. Randy Quaid thinks anything with more than three letters is a suppository.
I realize a lot of my intergalactic communication theories revolve around the idea that all aliens are like the ones in Galaxy Quest that can’t tell the difference between fantasy and documentary. But let’s not be stupid– aliens have no idea what’s going on. They come to a planet with Google, and their idea of research is jamming tubes up a hillbilly. They’re either morons or completely made up. But like I said before, let’s not be stupid.
E.T. The Extraterrestrial
When E.T. came here, all he wanted to do is eat candy and cure the sick. And we said good luck with that when you’re dead, you filthy alien. Here on Earth, we don’t care if you’re adorable or benevolent. If you create a magical friendship bond with a young boy, we’ll put you in separate rooms and kill Santa in front of him just to see if his sadness can pass through walls.
We will cut you open because learning how your stupid space liver processes Reese’s Pieces is more important to us than your gurgling talking noises or the suburban family that fell in love with you. Our worst doctors will mutilate your body, cover it up and release chunks of you into the retail market as Velcro. We’ve done it before. If you truly wanted to be a friend to the Earthlings, you should have thought about that before you were born in filthy outer space.
Battlefield Earth
This movie is way too bad to be an accident. It was created to send a clear message to outer space: You suck. Say what you want about Scientologists, but they are better than anyone at making aliens look like assholes.
Let’s look at the facts. In this movie, aliens came here with their technologically advanced warships and wiped out our planet’s jet fighters in nine minutes. Pretty logical so far, right aliens? But as Battlefield Earth explains, 1000 years later, a few cavemen dust off those ancient jet fighters and kill your John Travolta and his entire family. Humans don’t give a fuck about your alien space logic.
We’re so goddamn stupid that we don’t even know what can’t be done. Do you know what happens when you let jet fuel sit stagnant for 1000 years, alien? We don’t. In fact, we think we’re fags for even asking something so sciencey, but look at who’s dead. You.
War of the Worlds
In War of the Worlds, we lose for 89 minutes and then all the aliens die because of Earth germs. Aliens are dumbasses. Even after we saw E.T. heal us, we knew to put on biohazard suits before we tried to kill him. And these War of the Worlds aliens fly down here in their giant tripods and vaporize entire urban centers with their windows down. Hey, squid people of Mars or wherever, what did you think would happen when you inhaled the dust of 2,000,000 corpses and 60,000 dumpsters? That’s on you. It’s not like we were throwing smallpox Snuggies into your teepees.
Humans are disgusting. We’ll have sex with anything. Every day, an Earth doctor pulls an octopus or a light bulb out of someone that was put it there on purpose. Captain Kirk boned things that didn’t even have holes until he met them. And this article itself is probably next to an ad featuring a flashlight that you can fuck. Seriously, come visit, aliens. See what happens.
This entry was posted on Thursday, October 8th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Aliens, Movies, Space, Space Exploration, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 16th, 2009 at 11:17 am
LOLS…. I love ET!!! wow, It’s interesting to think about how the different creatures in space (if there are any) would take this message. I would love to see that!
November 10th, 2009 at 3:25 am
bwahahaha, rofl en lol and all that.
loving the humor sean, keep it up.
November 8th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
very nice article, very encouraging to xenophobics that it’s gonna be all right.
a list of movies that i wish could have made it on the list:
they live
mac and me
total recall (no aliens but fuck yah its a bad one)
dream catcher (morgan freeman’s BEST film)
the thing
November 7th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Matt,
I often go to space to intercept radio waves, and I know for a fact you are extremely wrong.
Sincerely,
Ryan
November 5th, 2009 at 5:49 am
And also include District 9
October 29th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Hate to burst the bubble, but it’s been scientifically proven that radiowaves, etc., break down into static nothingness as they travel vast distances out into space.
October 22nd, 2009 at 9:08 am
@: “Humans are disgusting. We’ll have sex with anything. Every day, an Earth doctor pulls an octopus or a light bulb out of someone that was put it there on purpose. Captain Kirk boned things that didn’t even have holes until he met them. And this article itself is probably next to an ad featuring a flashlight that you can fuck. Seriously, come visit, aliens. See what happens.”
I just LOLd for the first time in WEEKS. Seanbaby, you rawk.
October 21st, 2009 at 7:50 am
Mannon: I hate to bust your balls, but “estimates” mean jack shit. A ridiculous amount of things we accept as “fact” are based on either a bunch of guys agreeing on something or simply pure conjecture pulled out of someone’s ass. Neither fits the definition of hard science, so guess what that means if you believe in it without proof?
October 18th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
I love the idea that everyone just attacked DH. I think we just proved Seanbaby’s point.
October 18th, 2009 at 1:24 am
I get the feeling DH can’t appreciate Bugs Bunny cartoons because he’s dumbfounded by the concept of a talking rabbit.
October 17th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
thank you to everyone who just replied to DH. Now I don’t have to.
October 14th, 2009 at 10:06 am
ddank-
You just made my day.
October 14th, 2009 at 7:51 am
@ DH
let’s hope aliens don’t read this article then, because boy, there’d be some egg on seanbaby’s face, wouldn’t there?
you stupid fuck.
October 14th, 2009 at 6:04 am
I’m kind of impressed that Seanbaby didn’t include any Japanese films on the list. They’re such easy targets, I thought for sure we’d be hearing about Phantom of Krankor.
October 13th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
@DH: fuck off.
October 13th, 2009 at 9:32 am
@ DH:
Why do you have to ruin a good article with your scientific bullshit. why cant you enjoy an article just for the fun of it. Instead you choose to spend 2 hrs on wikepedia just to prove this guy is wrong? WTF is wrong with you?
October 13th, 2009 at 4:26 am
scientologists dont worship aliens. they think aliens….nevermind. I was about to start a sad argument
October 13th, 2009 at 1:35 am
“Before the late 1930s … when we developed radar and television carrier waves”: The TV was invented in 1926 and Radar was invented by a selection of countries individually between 1934 and 1936 (though Tesla came up with it in 1917)
“the Earth’s ionosphere kept all transmissions safely on our planet.”: The signal most likely to leave the earth’s atmosphere is an FM Radio transmission (invented 1935, patented 1936), or, failing that, short-wave (first implemented on a large scale in 1921)
“Manimal … hits any star systems with cable”: I don’t know the programme in question, but if it’s cable, it’s not being broadcasted via EM radiation, is it? So it won’t leave the atmosphere…
Battlefield Earth: Since Scientologists worship aliens, why would they make a film about aliens killing humans, who then Pwn the aliens? Again, I haven’t seen it but…
October 12th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
[...] October 13, 2009 at 5:41 am (Uncategorized) via cracked.com [...]
October 12th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
If aliens really do exist, we’ll find’em and FUCK’EM! Cuz nobody messes with us earthlings!
October 12th, 2009 at 10:35 am
This is so fucking good. Summoing horn and killing Santa are the type of jokes I’ve only ever seen you write, they’re on another level.
Red Jen’s comment was also funny.
October 12th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Bonus points for the obscure Manimal references.
October 12th, 2009 at 9:08 am
“And this article itself is probably next to an ad featuring a flashlight that you can fuck.”
That one got me big time.
October 12th, 2009 at 7:22 am
not a chuckle…
October 12th, 2009 at 5:35 am
Nice marklar. It was full of marklar, which made me marklar.
October 11th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
Oh, damn! I tried to eat while reading this article, but I gave up when I got to the Randy Quaid part. XD
If Internet-comedy was a martial art, then SeanBaby just passed his 8th Dan exam. Congratulations, Seanbaby, you are now officialy allowed to utter high pitched shrieks while you beat people up at random (comically speaking, that is).
October 11th, 2009 at 10:49 am
Ahh Mark. R. Stupid and asinine people are still aware of grammatical rules.
So that makes you, what? Functionally retarded?
October 10th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Are U really this stupid & asinine. Childish seems to fit the best
October 10th, 2009 at 6:19 am
What about the new ‘District 9′? Sends a very clear message, “You even so much as accidentally crash here, we’ll hold you against your will in a Shanty Town in South Africa and never let you leave.” That is sure to scare them off, sends a very anti-alien message. Even in ‘The Day the Earth Stood Still’, an alien helped us out. Which also sends the message, “No matter how fucked up we all are, we’ll still mind-rape you into helping us and screwing over your own kind.”
October 10th, 2009 at 6:12 am
What???? No Starship Poopers? I mean, Starship Troopers and their Va-jay-jay leader bug?
October 9th, 2009 at 10:46 pm
What about classics like “Mars Attacks” ?!!!
October 9th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
To play the party pooper, if someone has posted this before then I’m sorry, but new evidence suggests that our tv/radio/whathaveyou don’t even make it to the nearest star. No one knows how stupid we really are. Which, I suspect, is the only reason no one has razed this place to bare rock yet.
October 9th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
This assumes that aliens are avid followers of Earth pop culture, like in Futurama’s Omicron Persei 8.
October 9th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
@Jorgenshpier “that the odds of earth meeting all the conditions to be hospitable to life and then having said life form on it are over a google to one. Oh, and that those odds happened. Right.”
The odds of it happening are 100%, because it did happen. I’m guessing your home school didn’t teach probability and statistics.
Also never mind that there isn’t like a specification on file at the Outer Space City Hall that defines exactly what the conditions for life are. Life on Earth, evolved under the conditions of Earth. We are adapted to survive under those conditions. If life exists elsewhere, it may very well have evolved under conditions that we could not survive under.
October 9th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Ok … I have not liked a lot of your stuff Seanbaby, but this was awesome. “We’re going to rub this dead bird on our eyes…” nice.
October 9th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
choad I’m sure you think you’re very clever for breaking the code, but that’s why Seanbaby is funny, always has been funny, and always will be funny.
October 9th, 2009 at 10:22 am
for the next Men in Black?! Kewl! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/?c=1 He’s certainly hotter than Will!
October 9th, 2009 at 10:10 am
My pick: War of the Worlds. Tom Cruise saves the Universe. Again…
October 9th, 2009 at 8:17 am
[...] 5 Movies Aliens Should Watch Before Trying To Invade Earth [...]
October 9th, 2009 at 7:26 am
MIB (another Will Smif movie): We know you exist. We’ll still kill you.
Event Horizon: You fuck with our heads, but we still kill you!
Howard the Duck: If you look like a giant form of one of our cutest animals, we’ll lol. Then KILL YOU.
I don’t usually like Seanbaby’s articles, since he relies on putting scenarios together that just use the hilarity of those words to get a cheap laugh in the worst possible context, but I laughed so hard at the War of the Worlds part! Good job, keep up the good writing!
October 9th, 2009 at 7:21 am
Very funny.
October 9th, 2009 at 5:40 am
Not funny
October 9th, 2009 at 1:04 am
And Flash Gordon sends a message to all space emperors: Earth men will seduce your daughters.
October 9th, 2009 at 12:25 am
I resent you talking dirty and calling us ugly. You Earth-wimps. Who’s alien here anyway? You’re the sad-asses with only one tiny set of genitals. That is, with the exception of Keano Reeves. He is a Plagon spy, whose 7 telescopic reproductive organs can also be utilised to ingest nourishment.
We look like those things in Species, minus the weird human-looking bits that disappear when they have sex, plus 5 of Natasha Henstridge’s breasts, each of which can expand to the size of that globe thing in The day the Earth stood still. And all that butt-hole stuff - it’s butt-HOLES here, let’s not get insulting!
October 8th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
“Hey, squid people of Mars or wherever, what did you think would happen when you inhaled the dust of 2,000,000 corpses and 60,000 dumpsters? That’s on you. It’s not like we were throwing smallpox Snuggies into your teepees.”
October 8th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
“…using Christian math, that’s more like 28– barely the distance to Iowa.” LOL. Awesome.
And 10 internet points for making a reference to Galaxy Quest. That movie is all sorts of funny.
October 8th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
You forgot Predator. The message is: “We worship you as gods, but will still kill you and call you ugly motherfuckers”
October 8th, 2009 at 9:29 pm
Where are the aliens from Signs? They’re allergic to water, and land on a planet that’s 70% i water. How fucking stupid can you get?But amazing article anyways the part about John Lithgow having a baby with his ass made me laugh out out loud.
October 8th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
@Malthazar: That phenomenon is called the Shamalamalayaman Effect: all logic is invalid in the face of the Lazy Plot Twist.
October 8th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
You forgot “Enemy Mine.” We love you, and we’ll kill you. But that doesn’t mean we don’t still love you.
October 8th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
Wait hang on a minute! When I arrived on this planet I found millions of people worshipping the same Luke Skywalker I saw in all those documentaries. A few of them whispered that they believed Obiwan Kinobi would return to you shortly before I transplanted their brains into live Chiwawas, and they seemed pretty damn serious about it! So you’re telling me after all that it really wasn’t real? How do you earthlings expect me to filter out all your strange anal-probe centered fantasies when its clearly not that easy for you either!
October 8th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
Oh yeah… and what about “Predator”? That high tech asshole was defeated by mud, for chrissake
October 8th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
(it may be someone has already observed this, but I’m too lazy to read all the posts.) The fuckhead aliens from “Signs”, being allergic to water or getting burned by water might have noticed that they were coming to a planet that was 3/4 covered with the shit and the air was thick with it. That was some right smart thinkin’ on their part.
October 8th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Dear Jackson
You love guys, probably in the butt.
October 8th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
The Randy Quaid stuff was hilarious.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
It is becoming clearer, from this article, that Galaxy Quest maybe the most accurate depiction of human-alien space contact.*
Also, atheist math is Islamic Arab math anyway.
*Wait, does this mean there will be space squid sex?
October 8th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Buck Rogers camel toe reference for the win!
October 8th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
Movie Message: We naturally assume you don’t know what kills you and will probably die when you turn up to annoy Mel Gibson from you’re own stupidity.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
LOCATE A SPACE TOWEL!1! is my new battle cry.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
@ Jorgenshpier
Try reading anything other than ‘Creation Science Weekly’, and you might actually learn something factual.
Quick math check for you: There are an estimated 100-400 billion stars in our galaxy. Now, conservative estimates approximate that there are around 100 billion galaxies in our universe, with anywhere between 20-60% of star systems harbouring planets. Astronomers are finding that, from those observable planetary systems, around 5% actually contain ‘Earth-like’ planets.
Using those figures alone, napkin math suggests that this equates to roughly 12,000 BILLION ‘Earth-Like’ planets, potentially capable of supporting life AS WE KNOW IT.
Try doing some research before you comment on shit you know nothing about, scrub.
October 8th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Dude SB i loved this, your picture captions always have me laughing. dont listen to that queer jackson down there, he was probably too busy readjusting the pizza cutter he has hidden within the folds of his sphincter.
October 8th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Jorgenshpier - “Or we can use atheist math, Seanbaby. The kind that says (and I’ll make this easy for you, scrub) that the odds of earth meeting all the conditions to be hospitable to life and then having said life form on it are over a google to one. Oh, and that those odds happened. Right.”
Even if that number you just made up was accurate, it doesn’t matter because it happened anyway. Thats like reading off the odds against somebody that just won the lottery, and then declaring that they could not have won because the odds were so huge against them, even though the person is standing there with a winning ticket.
October 8th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
I thought I was the only person in the world who remember Manimal! What an awful piece of crap from my childhood. Such good memories!
October 8th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Dear Seanbaby,
you suck
Hugs and kisses,
The Internet
October 8th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
@Jorgenshpier
If you had any concept of reality you would know that a) the numbers are not as clearly defined as you think, and our knowledge of extrasolar planets and the conditions necessary for life changes every day, because lots of people are, you know, studying it vigorously instead of just talking out their ass, and b) no matter how big the numbers you want to fling around get, they are nothing in comparison to the size of the universe.
October 8th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
“If you create a magical friendship bond with a young boy, we’ll put you in separate rooms and kill Santa in front of him just to see if his sadness can pass through walls.”
Fucking classic…
October 8th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Or we can use atheist math, Seanbaby. The kind that says (and I’ll make this easy for you, scrub) that the odds of earth meeting all the conditions to be hospitable to life and then having said life form on it are over a google to one. Oh, and that those odds happened. Right.
October 8th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Where the hell is Signs. That movie was so fucking stupid its meer exsistance makes me want to cry until I can’t move anymore. Aliens that are allergic to water land on The Blue Planet. It would be like us landing naked on the Sun.
Movie Message: We naturally assume you don’t know what kills you and will probably die when you turn up to annoy Mel Gibson from you’re own stupidity.
October 8th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
I don’t see any ad for a fuckable flashlight. I’m disappointed, advertisers.
October 8th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
By the way, those aliens are actually controlled by Clint Howard, who is in all of these movies. I should just say… in all movies… and be done with it. The guy has perfect attendance in the school of life.
October 8th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Why was “completely made up” bolded? Aliens are real, they probed me!
October 8th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
The aliens in the War of the Worlds remake were stupid. At least in the original, you got the impression that, being from Mars, this may have been their first interplanetary invasion. So you can’t blame them for overlooking germs. But the ones that went hunting for Tom Cruise actually BURIED THEIR TRIPODS UNDERGROUND A MILLION YEARS AGO. So A) they would have at least had experience with another planet’s diseases and B) presumably thought ahead and figured “Wait, they might evolve NEW diseases when we, uh, re-invade them in the future!” VERY unprofessional!
October 8th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Where’s the ad featuring a flashlight that you can fuck?
October 8th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Christian math… that is roman numerals, no zeroes, thank you.
xxix
xxoooxxlol
October 8th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
No. Not Goldblum. He even says in the movie that it was Hirsch’s idea. Look it up.
Thanks Sean. I will be walking around with a Prozzcob all day.
Woo hoo…
October 8th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
The signs aliens were only beaten by holy water.
And yes that’s even dumber.
October 8th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
I think the aliens look more like John Lithgow had a baby with the Bride of Frankenstien.
October 8th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
What about District 9? I just watched that movie last night, and I’ve got to say if you can somehow manage to get past the shrimp like appearance of the aliens, you actually begin to feel bad for them. I actually enjoyed the movie a lot. I’m commenting on your blog for the first time now (even though I’ve been reading it for awhile) because I just started my own movie related blog.
If you’d like to exchange links or something, you can either link to http://www.thisweekendsmovies.com or email me at the email address I provided.
Thanks for the great content!
October 8th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
You didn’t even mention “Signs” in which case the aliens were defeated by WATER.
Of course this explains why they invaded a planet that is over 3/4 water.
Message sent? If you come across Earth, destroy it before the earthlings figure out a way to have sex with you.
October 8th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
the whole randy quaid section had me laughing uncontrollably, and i thoroughly enjoyed the entire article. thank you for brightening my day.
October 8th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Alien Nation:
We suck. We have a street corner picked out for your sister.
October 8th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
“What? Sorry, I couldn’t hear you, I was licking the doorknob to the cold sore research lab.”
Oh god, can’t stop laughing.
October 8th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
I laughed so hard at this article that I peed… on purpose, because the criticism and degradation (and punches) I would receive from my roommates was the only way I could stop laughing. Brilliant article Seanbaby, and I’m not even that into any of the movies you listed; I’ve seen them, they were just “meh.”
I wish I could get even a fraction of the blowjobs you will surely receive from this article. That is how things work at Cracked, right? A Cracked writer writes a “win” article, and Cracked groupies descend upon his junk like locusts upon the last green stalk in a field? That’s how I imagine it, anyway.
October 8th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
“We look like John Lithgow’s face had a baby with John Lithgow’s ass!”
Well, I could have died happy without that mental image, but that line is still priceless.
October 8th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
…Awwww.
Good list, but it would’ve been nice to have They Live on it…
Because Rowdy Roddy Piper is always kicking arse and chewing bubblegum. And he’s always out of bubblegum.
October 8th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Hirsch gave Goldblum the idea when he said something old-mannish and folksy.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Leave Randy Quaid alone! Somebody’s gotta play the greasy, semi-homeless loveable transient
October 8th, 2009 at 11:30 am
Judd Hirsch?
Wasn’t it Jeff Goldblum?
O God, I just admitted I know too much about that movie
October 8th, 2009 at 11:15 am
The Randy Quaid paragraph made me laugh so hard I cried. Seriously, I had to blow my nose after I was done.
October 8th, 2009 at 10:40 am
Then the aliens watched “Mom And Dad Save The World” and just nuke us from high orbit.
October 8th, 2009 at 10:29 am
Ummm…Signs?
October 8th, 2009 at 10:01 am
Best article I’ve read in a while!
October 8th, 2009 at 9:47 am
Well at least the War or the World aliens had a good reason for them getting sick. They were massive germaphobes and whiped out all of them on Mars (yeah they’re form Mars by the way) and been without diseases for so long they forgot about them, so wend they bumbed rushed (yeah in the Book they didn’t do the whole plained it for a million years bullshit, they just said “Fuck it let’s Invade Earth”) anyway the whole thing was an allegory to how most deaths in wars are form illness rather than the other side, like in the American-Spanish Wars were most US deaths was due to malaria.
October 8th, 2009 at 9:46 am
You forgot the most important film, one that, upon showing the aliens, guarantees that they will want to nuke us immediately upon reaching our planet, and make sure that no human ever reaches anywhere further than the Earth moon: District 9.
October 8th, 2009 at 9:38 am
“Using Christian math” - win
October 8th, 2009 at 9:26 am
“What the fuck do you mean “Christian math”? Your ass is so getting inquisitioned. Other than that, good article.”
The sort of math where pi equals 3, two of all land animals can fit into a floating wooden box measuring 450 feet by 75 feet, and the Universe is only 6000 years old. You know, Christian math.
October 8th, 2009 at 9:09 am
Surely Aliens should be frightened of William Shatner? If they land they KNOW that Shatner’s gonna try and fuck em.
holes… or not.
October 8th, 2009 at 9:03 am
Mildly funny post, but you’ve done way better Sean. Kinda seems like you weren’t really trying on this one.
October 8th, 2009 at 8:58 am
I truly agree on the last one, if aliens ever invade our planet they won’t be moving around breathing our own air, they will have their own jumpsuits and special air that they breathe (if they even breathe) on their own planets. If they even have the technology to travel around the galaxy and space to invade us I think that we’re so fucked.
October 8th, 2009 at 8:47 am
What the fuck do you mean “Christian math”? Your ass is so getting inquisitioned. Other than that, good article.
October 8th, 2009 at 8:46 am
the randy quaid fart line was too funny. i laughed out loud at “locate a space towel !!!”
October 8th, 2009 at 8:19 am
I don’t get it, you’re saying that because of the crapy plot-holes of various sci-fi movies we’re badass?
October 8th, 2009 at 8:16 am
Seriously. How can you read that and NOT laugh your ass off?!? It’s hilarious. If you don’t get his humour, ignore the articles he posts but if you do, know you are missing out on some pure sarcastic gold!
October 8th, 2009 at 8:16 am
“Randy Quaid once farted from April of 1991 to November of 1993″
…you know, I always think I’m ready for any and all Seanbaby-brand insanity, but then I get to a line that just destroys me. THIS is the one. Thank God I wasn’t sipping my coffee at that moment.
October 8th, 2009 at 8:11 am
I see Jake is forgetting about Cody.
October 8th, 2009 at 8:08 am
Welcome to da earf.
October 8th, 2009 at 7:56 am
How can you whine about the same guys articles and read them every week?
Seems like someone woke up on the wrong side of the retarded tracks today.
October 8th, 2009 at 7:44 am
Christ, you are the unfunniest fuck to ever walk the Earth, seanbaby. Go back to G4 and quit ruining Cracked.
October 8th, 2009 at 7:39 am
Captain Zapp: The alien stills are from an episode of Star Trek. It actually turns out to be a dummy in the episode - the real alien looks like a little kid and wanted to seem more intimidating.
October 8th, 2009 at 7:35 am
And one more thing. A dutchy–haven’t you ever seen They Live?
Aliens can be money grabbing power whores, too! It’s in every one of us…we just have to believe in ourselves.
October 8th, 2009 at 7:30 am
Unfortunately, the only broadcast the aliens are likely to actually pay attention to is The X-Files. They’ll come expecting powerful old white guys to greet them with big smiles and notarized documents which sell out humanity for experimentation with thick, black alien sludge.
October 8th, 2009 at 7:29 am
Talking about aliens and no one mentioned, you know, “Aliens”?
Face-hugging goodness…Ah, good times. So, a little girl w/ a doll’s head can outwit/survive these super predators but a platoon of space marines armed to the teeth gets, “Game over man!”
October 8th, 2009 at 7:28 am
“they have to use a special summoning horn to do it because Randy Quaid eats anything that rings.”
I spit Gatorade all over my computer monitor thanks to that line. The next person to use this desk is going to wonder why it smells like someone fucked the Kool Aid Man on it.
How I read all the way to that point without paying attention to it being SeanBaby, I have no idea. Maybe I should lighten up on the percocet.
October 8th, 2009 at 7:28 am
This one was pretty funny. Maybe the aliens that are doing the anal probing of hillbillies are hillbilly aliens who have been drinking alien shine, and they’re doing it for fun, not for scientific research.
October 8th, 2009 at 7:08 am
I for one welcome our superior alien overlords.
Its time we got someone with true wisdom running the world.
Not some money grabbing power whores.
October 8th, 2009 at 6:58 am
It’s actually Jeff Goldblum who outwitted the mothership’s computer network in Independence Day using the common cold as his inspiration.
October 8th, 2009 at 6:51 am
DUDEZ WTF?!
you forgot 2 great examples movies:
Predator -> The govner will FUCK your world up
Signs-> the earth is 70% water, you jackasses…
October 8th, 2009 at 6:40 am
“Randy Quaid thinks anything with more than three letters is a suppository.” made me crap myself. Literally. I now have to go change my pants, and try to get the stains off the couch…
October 8th, 2009 at 6:38 am
Good show, sure good show. Fuckin’ aliens can’t see us!
October 8th, 2009 at 6:29 am
What no Indiana Jones, Star Wars, or X Men? That would give the aliens an even more messed up view of what humans are like if they’re thinking we all can do super human things.
October 8th, 2009 at 6:14 am
Humanity! FUCK YEAH!
October 8th, 2009 at 6:14 am
Nice. XD
Randy Quaid, seriously. He makes Sly Stallone look like Peter O’ Toole.
October 8th, 2009 at 6:07 am
I was trying to find a funny quote to put here but I couldn’t… I would have to cut and paste the whole damn thing. Touche.
October 8th, 2009 at 6:00 am
They should have said “Keep the change, you filthy alien.”
October 8th, 2009 at 5:56 am
This was pretty. I laughed a lot reading it so I was definitely entertained. Good job, Seanbaby! More aliens plzzz.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:54 am
You guys are scaring all of the alien babes away.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:46 am
from which movie are the stills of the chic and the creepy alien?
October 8th, 2009 at 5:39 am
… and Africa is on Earth, last time I checked.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:28 am
The title of this article is disingenuous. Manimal was not a film but a TV series. Although now that I think about it, it would have been better as a film, because once you’ve seen one episode, you’ve seen them all.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:27 am
… except District 9 took place in Africa.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:25 am
Anglerfish said:
“And for every episode of Star Trek where the main characters do anything remotely positive with a new alien species, there are seventy episodes where they beat up their leaders, prove their religions wrong, blow up their spaceships and sleep with their women.”
Indeed. This is because Captain Kirk was, or will be (we are talking about the future here), a bona-fide Space American. Even Earth’s alien allies probably look at him with the same slightly fearful disdain that Frenchmen looked at George W. Bush. That said, I want to live Captain Kirk’s life with every fiber of my being, even if only for a day. Wake up, breakfast, blow up a spaceship, beam down to a planet, murder the shit out of some aliens, flying drop-kick, bang an alien babe, drink on duty with Bones, bang the alien babe again, bed.
That, my friends, is my idea of a perfect day.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:15 am
I think “District 9″ had one of the strongest messages to alien invaders - come to Earth and we’ll treat you like we treat the blacks and the mexicans. Still thinking of invading the land of the free, you alien/mexican fucks?
October 8th, 2009 at 5:04 am
A solid list, but what about Signs, where the ingenious aliens (whose only weakness is water) decide to invade a planet that’s more than 70 percent covered in it. They also forgot to bring them some guns
October 8th, 2009 at 5:03 am
Amazing
October 8th, 2009 at 4:48 am
If some alien came up to me, I’d be all like. “Greeting, welcome to Earth I mean you know harm.” then we exchange pleasantries while he regales me with the intricacies of his culture… then kick him in the space balls!
October 8th, 2009 at 4:43 am
Nice try, Seanbaby, but we all know that YOU are an alien. Earth things have no power to activate my giggle sensors this early in the morning, so it must be.
October 8th, 2009 at 4:26 am
I reckon seanbaby articles are the least funniest no offense to him they just dont amuse me as much as DOB, brockway or bulchoz partly because he relies on the pictures which arnt that funny.
He should do what DOB or Brockway does and just wtite really random but funny articles
Cheers
October 8th, 2009 at 4:25 am
You’ve got a point. 90% of science fiction send the message that if you even think about setting foot or tentacle or whatever you greasy garlic-eating space bastards have on earth we will kill you. For every series like Star Trek that shows humans and aliens living together peacefully, there’s twenty that show humans and aliens can’t be in a room together for five seconds without trying to rip each others’ heads off. (…And for every episode of Star Trek where the main characters do anything remotely positive with a new alien species, there are seventy episodes where they beat up their leaders, prove their religions wrong, blow up their spaceships and sleep with their women.)
October 8th, 2009 at 4:22 am
If some alien came down and started telling me what to do I’d be all like “Hey, why don’t you stop dressing me up like a mail man and have sex in my father’s bed with some guy I don’t even know”
Then I’d pork it too cause like… Tacos rule.
October 8th, 2009 at 4:15 am
If an alien got all up in my grill, I’d be like ’say wha…?’ then tottaly pork it. IN THE NAME OF EARTH
October 8th, 2009 at 4:07 am
Well no wonder we haven’t had any aliens down here in a while.