Being the blindly lustful and difficult man that I am, the only thing that can satisfy me is perfection itself. I'm always so disappointed when I read about movies that, at least on paper, seem like they would've been absolutely ideal but, for whatever reason, never got made. The five movies on this list, for example, all of which seemed destined to gallop to the top of Mt. Olympus, before ultimately slipping in shit somewhere along the way. Sure, you may have seen mutated versions of some of them by now, but they weren't what they could have been. For example ...
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Honesty alert: I thought Neill Blomkamp's Chappie was an all right movie. Why? Because it beautifully ignored 99 percent of the things that supposedly make movies work. Goofy comedy juxtaposed harshly against themes being crammed down the audience's throat? Literally no likable characters? Die Antwoord in the lead roles, struggling to maintain even the loosest sense of believability? It had all of that and more, leading me to one conclusion -- Chappie 2: Warzone, please. I'll be there on opening night, and the only music I'll hear is a collective sigh of defeat, borrowed from the official soundtrack of the first movie.
Before Chappie, we got Elysium, which had Sharlto Copley playing the greatest villain of the 21st century so far ...
Everyone agrees, right?
... and a bald Matt Damon playing a character whose only motivation was wanting to stay alive for a little bit longer.
Me too, bald Matt Damon. Me too.
I can get behind that. However, Matt Damon was not the first choice for the role.
You'd think that Blomkamp would have looked for other action stars, but as we saw in his erratic progression from District 9 to Chappie, Blomkamp is not a man who indulges in the obvious. He leaves all the obvious stuff to the themes of his films, which characters inevitably recite as if they've had their scripts replaced with the movie's Cliff's Notes.
So, instead of another big-name action star, he originally wanted Ninja from Die Antwoord to take part in Elysium, but he'd have to wait through two years and at least a dozen human-shaped robots to get a variation of that wish. After he couldn't get the people behind "I Fink U Freeky," he went for the next least obvious choice -- Eminem.
Yeah, I was surprised too, Marshall.
It's one of cinema's great losses that Eminem declined to be in Elysium, but not because he would've been a better fit than Matt Damon or even that it would have been a better movie. The only way the script for Elysium could have been saved would be by finding literally any other script and turning that into a movie instead. It was going to be disappointing no matter who played "bald man who sort of becomes a robot man," because Blomkamp approaches important ideas in the same way that Eminem raps about anything. They both follow a "Speak Super Loud And Carry A Big Stick" policy, which makes maintaining subtlety a laughable pipe dream.
And, usually, when you see a rapper's name somewhere in the credits, you look out for them, because it's exciting to await Pitbull or Redman's awkward, scripted cameos opposite people who pretend to be other people professionally. An Elysium with Eminem would've maintained a kind of wonderful anxiety throughout the movie's entire running time, and we could have seen it, had Blomkamp bowed to Eminem's one simple demand: He wanted the film to be set in Detroit.
Wait, so that's not Detroit?
That's the kind of requirement I'd have Eminem request if I was writing a parody of an interaction between the director of District 9 and the star of 8 Mile, along with, "I'll only star in this movie if I'm allowed to look directly into the camera and say, 'Fuck my ex-wife,' at least three times."
4Bret "The Hitman" Hart's Batman: Triumphant
It's hard, in retrospect, to imagine seeing Batman & Robin and thinking, "We can salvage this. We can go somewhere from here." But, for a short while, people did believe that. And it wasn't in their heads to improve a single thing, because, if Batman: Triumphant would've been made, it would have been a complete and total 45-degree leap. A lateral move of the highest order. Not any better than Batman & Robin, but a thousand times more oddly watchable.
For instance, in talks to play The Scarecrow were guys like Crispin Glover, Nicolas Cage, and Howard Stern. Crispin Glover kind of works, because he's acted like he's been infected with a fear toxin for most of his career, but Howard Stern playing one of Batman's most notable adversaries is something that I wouldn't conceivably consider if I was casting Batman 5 on an island populated by only Howard Stern and myself. Or maybe I would, but only after titling the movie Batman's Repeated Punch Attack.
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Just so many punches.
But who would take over as Batman? If your first reply to this was Canadian wrestling legend Bret "The Hitman" Hart, then I'm sorry for writing this list entry about you, former Warner Bros. executive. Bret Hart was rumored to be a frontrunner for the chance to put on the cowl and look uncomfortable. And my assumption on Hart's acting presence is not based on nothing. The man can bend people's legs really nicely, but when he's handed a microphone, it all kind of falls apart. And who would be tasked with trying to keep up with Hart's fumbling charisma?
A returning Jack Nicholson.
"Why so ... wait, no, that sounds stupid."
The original script included a scene where Batman sees The Joker after getting hit with fear toxin. But this Joker would not be played by a Batman-era Jack Nicholson. No, this was 63-year-old Jack, whose hairline had seen its reflection and retreated back for the rest of winter. He was still a great actor at this point, but asking him to wear face paint and cackle in what is basically a dream sequence seems more like a deleted scene from About Schmidt than an un-ironic confrontation in a Batman movie.
Also, he would have been doing these things alongside Bret Hart, who would be busy staring straight ahead and imagining everyone naked so that he could get his lines right.
He would still be trying to get his lines right.
Bookend this with the puppet master of the whole thing being a burlap sack-clad Howard Stern, and you have an equation with no answer. There's no way to predict what would've happened if you mixed all of those ingredients together. You could pass it off with a "probably something bad," but that doesn't do it enough justice. It's three huge missteps all colliding at full speed, and right now, someone in an alternate timeline is talking about how awesome it was.
I want to live in that world. This one doesn't appreciate opportunity like it should.