In World of Warcraft (which I’m told is some sort of Lord of the Rings slash fiction emulator) when you advance in levels you earn the right to increasingly “epic” mounts – fantastic creatures that more fully reflect your character’s grace, power and terror. And yet, this reward system is sorely lacking in real life: If I ever got a promotion, the best I could possibly hope for is a Nissan Sentra that smells slightly less like corpses than the current one. And really, fuck that noise! Epic mounts should not be reserved solely for fantasy life. So I’ve went out and found five real life epic mounts that put your pimped out Hyundai to shame.
The Sultan’s Elephant is the name of a performance art show formerly produced by the Royal de Luxe Theatre Company. It consisted of a lot more than just the titular elephant, but most of that stuff was French bullshit like “art” and “wonder.” You, dear reader? You only need to know about that magnificent bastard of terror right up there: It’s 40-feet tall, weighs 50-tons and requires 22 people to operate.
The idea was presumably conceived when somebody saw Return of the King and, upon noting the monstrous four-story elephant-like hell-beasts depicted therein, immediately thought, “I would like for that to be more unstoppable. If only it were also a robot!” Sure, it might seem a bit tacky and overwrought for a mere status symbol but think about it: What better way to show you’ve truly made it than employing a small army just to work the knee joints of the battleship-sized elephant you ride to work?
The Fire Horse is what U.K. artist/clown Paka calls his flagship kinetic sculpture. The term “kinetic sculpture,” in case you’re wondering, is just how dangerously insane, genius, clown robot-masters refer to all of their doomsday machines. I think it’s for tax purposes. Paka built the first of many (oh shit, there’s more than one!) fire horses from an electric wheelchair taken from his dead grandmother which he repurposed into a flame-shooting mechanical beast.
Jesus, really? Was he trying to ensure it was haunted? That’s not a sculpture, Paka, that’s the kind of horrifying shit Clive Barker only admits to his psychiatrist. Here’s a hint: It stopped being art somewhere around the time you taught it the meaning of “murder.”
According to Paka, the Fire Horse is a full-size replica, and capable of everything that a real horse is: It has complete range of movement, it whinnies, it rears, it even poops! Yes, he actually said that it poops and no, he doesn’t say what; I’m forced to assume it’s fear.
Yes, that definitely shits horror. At least I hope so, because I’m looking at it, and right now there is both shit and horror involved. If it’s not the horse, then I need to get to the hospital.
Even more worrisome, however: An earlier prototype of the Fire Horse was stolen from Paka’s workshop, and is still unaccounted for to this day. So please, if your neighborhood is being terrorized by a madman on an equine steel inferno, call this insane British clown. It’s probably possessed by the spirit of his furious crippled grandmother. It has sentimental value.
The Crucible Fire Arts Festival is an answer to a question I have been asking for decades now: Art’s great and all, but why isn’t it more on fire?
Featuring 60-foot high fire tornadoes and the undisputed lord and master of the seventh level of snake hell, The Crucible’s official vehicle is surprisingly practical for a parade based around reckless fire orgies: It’s a fire truck.
Oh no, ha ha! Not that kind of fire truck!
Did you think it was a method for putting out the several dozen rampaging mechanical infernos that almost certainly run amok by the end of every show? No. No, it is a truck that spews pillars of flame. Jesus, get your head out of your ass.
Oh God, no! Put it back! Put your head back in your ass; it was the only thing protecting your face from the burns!
The fire truck comes equipped with a fully functioning blacksmith forge mounted in back, as well as a welding and torch cutting setup in front–you know, just in case somebody calls your manhood into question when you pull up in your fire-ball spewing big rig, now you can bust out an impromptu sword in no time. Don’t laugh; it’s totally practical. The only guy who’d call you out in that thing is Conan the Barbarian, and he ends every sentence with a broadsword instead of a period. You need to come prepared.
Carlos Owens was a man with a dream: freedom and equality for all people, regardless of race or nation, and united forever in a peaceful society.
Oh wait, sorry, that was Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Carlos Owens had a dream about rampaging through Alaska in a DIY Voltron.
It was a better dream.
After working for years as an army mechanic, Owens decided to use the skills he learned there to build a giant functional battlemech (wait, we have mechs in the army now?) Carlos’ machine is equipped with 27 hydraulic cylinders in place of muscles, which it uses to mirror the pilot’s arm and leg movements.
“And… other movements. You know what I mean, ladies?”
In an interview with Popular Mechanics, Owens initially talked about how he saw potential uses for this technology in everything from construction to the armed forces, but then, when pressed, he admitted to secretly just wanting hardcore mech-on-mech gladiator battles. I would have something snarky to say, but honestly, I’m just glad somebody’s finally got their fucking priorities straight. May God bless you with ingenuity, Mr. Owens, in equal or greater measures than he has insanity.
That, friends, is a giant robot spider.
The end.
What, seriously? You require more information? All right, but frankly I think that’s being a bit greedy. Built by French artists La Machine and debuted in Japan, pictured above is one of the two (two!) spiders deployed in Yokohama either for some sort of festival or city-wide vengeance. I’m not really sure why it was there, and I am unable to check at this time because I refuse to look away from that thing even for a moment. Objectively, I know that’s just a picture. But I simply do not have enough confidence in my senses to risk glancing away, just in case they’re wrong and that thing’s actually in the room with me.
Don’t look up don’t look up don’tlookup dontlookupdontlookup
I will tell you what I do know off-hand: It comes equipped with steam and water cannons to the front and rear–hopefully some sort of anti-Will Smith alarm comes standard–and if you ever actually get up on one, Captain Planet will appear out of nowhere and try to fight you. It seats three drivers, but if you actually find two more people willing to ride shotgun on your rampaging spider-bot, be wary: Skeletor and Cobra Commander don’t get along these days and I have it on good authority that neither will chip in for gas money.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 14th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Robots, Terrifying. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 2nd, 2009 at 7:21 am
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October 24th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
I live in Oakland, which is where the crucible is. Every so often I take a class there and see the truck or they bring the truck to a street festival.
By the way, the truck was named Otto a couple years ago.
October 21st, 2009 at 4:36 pm
I totally want the fire truck. Not because it’s pure awesome, but because I want something to protect myself from giant robotic French spiders.
Also, @ AbeWashington, the only thing it’s missing is the ability to throw miniature nuclear bombs like they’re footballs.
October 20th, 2009 at 10:59 am
FIRE TRUCK
October 19th, 2009 at 6:51 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8f7mKi3TLI&feature=player_embedded
October 18th, 2009 at 8:05 am
Holy shit!! #2 is the robot from Transformers 3 ???
October 17th, 2009 at 1:00 am
“he ends every sentence with a broadsword instead of a period.”
Is probably the best description of Conan I have ever heard. Mind if I steal it for my Conan the Barbarian topic?
Screw it, Im doing it anyway.
October 16th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Notice how everything on the list is some form of machine.
October 16th, 2009 at 8:08 am
I found a page where they have bigger pictures and a video of those spiders in action. Pretty cool but could be much cooler…
http://www.pinktentacle.com/2009/04/giant-robot-spider-in-yokohama-pics-video/
October 16th, 2009 at 3:25 am
@ Aprilizer
Someone needs to keep an eye on The Apothacary, I got attacked there once.
October 16th, 2009 at 2:28 am
That spider was built in Yokoham as part of the 150th anniversary festivities for the opening of Yokohama as a port city. I saw this thing with my own eyes, it is HUGE, NOISY, and COOL AS HELL!! Too bad the show is already over…
October 15th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
YEEEEEEAH sentra ftw
love mine, so cheap on gas xD
October 15th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
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October 15th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
I laughed at the Discworld ref. :3
I definitely want a giant robot spider!
October 15th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Who cares about??? My boyfriend thinks the same with me. He is eight years older than me, lol. We met online at — Agelessmatch-C O M — nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Maybe you wanna check out or tell your friends.
October 15th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Why no Mayizer. I also started to hope he is planning on installing a giant blue laser.
Also, amazing anti communist one liners.
October 15th, 2009 at 10:42 am
The Mechanical Walker totally DOES remind me of Voltron, but the close-up picture reminded me more of The Wicker Man.
October 15th, 2009 at 9:13 am
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October 15th, 2009 at 9:02 am
*clank* BOOM !!! POW!! *CLANK* CLANK* CLANK* PSSSSSSSSSSS…………………..BOOOOOOOOOOOM ……………………………AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGAAAAAAAAAAH NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! ………….u may ask whats the sound of that …..its the sound of my super giant robot beating the hell out of that guys fucking robot !!
October 15th, 2009 at 8:56 am
It comes equipped with steam and water cannons to the front and rear–hopefully some sort of anti-Will Smith alarm comes standard…….get it will smith wild wild west movie he stop that giant mechanical spider……….funny
October 15th, 2009 at 8:38 am
“And… other movements. You know what I mean, ladies?”
You mean… like… bowel movements?
Ewwww.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:00 am
Am I the only one who, upon seeing the DIY Voltron guy, thought “ALASKA WILL BE LIBERATED!” ?
October 15th, 2009 at 7:07 am
@ Panzer-Stier Ross: I’ll cover the sewers, you keep a lookout at the Bulwark. MOVE!
October 15th, 2009 at 5:04 am
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October 15th, 2009 at 4:28 am
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October 15th, 2009 at 3:39 am
I can actually see Brockway riding the fire horse to the Cracked building. D.O.B. would probably try to get it drunk and end up on fire, but that’s a risk I think Bobby is willing to take.
October 15th, 2009 at 12:45 am
I’d like to share a very interesting place with you http://Tallconnect.com . It brings you gorgeous girls and big tall men together. After checking it,I saw a lot of celebrities there,including many Hollywood stars. It’s a great website to date a beautiful woman or handsome guy there.
October 15th, 2009 at 12:37 am
I was wondering what could be better then a mech? Seriously, a mech? but then you busted out Mech Spiders. and not the four foot tall redneck version in the states, no, the giant french ones.
I tip my hat to you sir, and thanks for putting it on one page
October 15th, 2009 at 12:01 am
I’ve been playing Brutal Legend all day and couldn’t help but notice that everything in this article belongs in it.
October 14th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
Number two combines my love for hot men and giant, metal death machines into one beautiful package.
October 14th, 2009 at 9:02 pm
Well, hot damn…all we need now is a working transformer. Those are the most bitchin’ rides ever created.
October 14th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
[...] Badass rides to work [...]
October 14th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
I WANT NUMBER 2!!!!!
no, i’m not talking about poop.
October 14th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
i will totally play he-man with you! no one wants to play with me.
October 14th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Holy shit… a clown one can respect??? Also: great article. I laughed all the way through.
October 14th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Yeah…I mean, if you’ve ever been to burning man you’d see vehicles spewing fire like many of these only much, much cooler. I recall seeing a giant scorpion that shot fire out of it’s tail that walked, I mean, simply a taste. Heh
October 14th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
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October 14th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
I actually live near the Crucible workshop–they featured that fire truck of theirs in our local 4th of July parade this year. They shot it off every 80 feet or so and sent people shrieking and cowering to the pavement; you could feel the heat waves coming off of the blast from what must have been 25 feet away.
Oh yeah, and that robot spider is the sweetest thing ever to exist.
October 14th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
What would it be like to combine all 5 into one?
October 14th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
What a terrible article
October 14th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
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October 14th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
brockway = best articles on cracked.
October 14th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
shit
October 14th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Someone needs to build a full size mechanical Brumak.
BRUMAK RODEO!!!
October 14th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
I’ve actually taken lessons from the crucible, there blacksmiths and yes they use the fire-truck to burn trees
October 14th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
I saw the giant mecha spider when it came to Liverpool (A small place in England) it was awesome, I couldn’t help thinking that I might need a bigger rolled up newspaper….
October 14th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
@ Aprilizer
So geeky that I goddamn salute you for that comment.
Oh, Rivendare’s Deathcharger is still the mecca as far as skeletal warhorses go.
October 14th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Real life is starting to outdo video games. I demand the next GTA to have 1 hidden giant mech/Robot animal to ride.
October 14th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
This article kicked ass.
October 14th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXo8a-fHElo what about this guy?
October 14th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
I would totally ride shotgun on someone’s giant rampaging spiderbot (ifyouknowwhatimean).
October 14th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
My new Ochre Skeletal Warhorse is NOT a circus horse! IT IS AWESOME! Undercity is under attack! AAAAAAAA
October 14th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
hah, i saw the la machine spider in liverpool, uk last year. it was fucking intense. the control the drivers have over the limbs is nuts though, they had the spider patting kids on the head and stuff with its legs, and somehow it didn’t kill any of them.
October 14th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Forget that Giant Spider-Bot thing. Some things in nature are small and unimposing for a very damn good reason.
October 14th, 2009 at 11:31 am
That, friends, is a dongtasticulair article.
The end.
October 14th, 2009 at 11:28 am
That giant French spider probably move to the beat of some Daft Punk music…
October 14th, 2009 at 11:11 am
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October 14th, 2009 at 10:57 am
That’s all… just that. I rode your fucking, whoring Mother… into work! Because her cunt was so fat… it was work to fuck it!
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October 14th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Is it just me or does that battle mech look like Liberty Prime from Fallout 3? I mean, they’re both robots built to protect Alaska, That thing looks like it could crush the Chinese invasion in a second.
October 14th, 2009 at 10:38 am
“When you admit the giant robot spider is french, you admit that it’s just a big pussy, and sucks in every way possible. Someone needs to outdo this immediately. I’m looking at you, Japan.”
Why do you think they were sent to Japan in the first place?
About the Sultan’s Elephant: It was so awesome that everybody wanted it strolling in their countries (that is, they were invited for a world tour). Tired with the logistics involved with moving said elephant and his slave army, they destroyed the elephant…
… just to being rebuilt (well, a replica of it) into a robot-island-museum.
October 14th, 2009 at 10:32 am
[...] Badass rides to work [...]
October 14th, 2009 at 10:17 am
If you see that spider robot above you, and then hear a blood-curtailing scream, that means I’m also nearby.
October 14th, 2009 at 10:13 am
I laughed pretty damn hard at the Conan the Barbarian part, and I don’t even know what it’s talking about.
October 14th, 2009 at 9:37 am
That was an awesome closing line.
October 14th, 2009 at 9:33 am
On number 4 (The Fire Horse) if you look at the road in the picture there are several puddles of liquid. I am sure that is piss reeking of fear from the poor terrified observers.
October 14th, 2009 at 9:28 am
When you admit the giant robot spider is french, you admit that it’s just a big pussy, and sucks in every way possible. Someone needs to outdo this immediately. I’m looking at you, Japan.
October 14th, 2009 at 9:26 am
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October 14th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Hey, I also think art is better when it’s on fire. That’s why there’s a rough sketch of me posted at all Smithsonian buildings.
October 14th, 2009 at 8:38 am
wait is the Mechanical Walker anything like those ones out of the matrix trilogy? cause that would just be soooo awesome lol
October 14th, 2009 at 8:11 am
Is it just me, or do the rest of you want to go dig up your copies of One Must Fall after seeing the pic of Carlos Owens’ hobby?
*Clank*
Brockway again wins my undying love and support for the phrase “DIY Voltron”. Dongtastic, sir.
October 14th, 2009 at 7:59 am
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October 14th, 2009 at 7:10 am
Your last paragraph was such an 80’s pop-culture orgasm my fucking brain exploded and there were pieces of Smurf, Thundercats, and Voltron splattered all around my office.
Disclaimer: Captain Planet might have been the 90’s, but if you’re keeping tabs you can go blow that gray jet fighter guy from Go-Bots.
October 14th, 2009 at 7:08 am
remember the KillDozer that was on Cracked one time? That shoulda been here
October 14th, 2009 at 6:59 am
I used to live in Nantes (France) where the elephant was built, and saw it in action together with “La Petite Géante” (the giant girl). I actually have friends who work with Royal de Luxe (artists such as Fatoumata Diawara, look her up on Youtube) and who participated in building and operating the thing. A totally awesome creature. Its footsteps go with smoke effects to simulate whirling dust, the elephant actually spouts water, and among the things on its back under the tent roof are a bath tub, including a topless female bather when the elephant is on show
Gotta love France. By the by it was also certified “roadworthy and safe” by the company I work for. 
The Giant Girl actually walks too, and it has two family members, a Giant Boy and an actual Giant about twice as big. They also built a giraffe of equally epic proportions a few years back… Royal de Luxe produce their amazing show every year in Nantes, turning the entire city upside down, and every year it’s different. Truly amazing.
October 14th, 2009 at 6:58 am
See the way it says the Fire-Horse poops? Well in the last pic it looks like it pisses too
October 14th, 2009 at 6:57 am
@ Moose: Great. So it’s a flying spider. That’s so much better.
October 14th, 2009 at 6:57 am
It was a festival in Yokohama celebrating the 150th year anniversary of westerners forcing the Japanese to trade with them and open Yokohama port to non Japanese people. The Japanese actually celebrate the fact that they got dick slapped by white guys 150 years ago.
October 14th, 2009 at 6:56 am
The Giant Spider actually doesn’t move on those legs, they’re just for show. The spider is on some sort of crane attached on top of a semi.
October 14th, 2009 at 6:49 am
Carlos Owens is a hero. End of story.
October 14th, 2009 at 6:48 am
I agree with Copperpot. Good job with that. Also, the firetruck paragraph was definitely the best. Keep being awesome, Brockway.
October 14th, 2009 at 6:26 am
Drat after reading this article I want my own battle mech. That way I’d never have to worry about parking again. Let’s see someone try taking my parking space when I’m in a mech.
October 14th, 2009 at 6:26 am
This is one the best articles in a while, very well written and freaking hilarious. Kudos, Brocky.
October 14th, 2009 at 6:25 am
Giant robotic spiders and battle mechs…scince when has real life become a videogame?????
October 14th, 2009 at 6:21 am
You forgot to mention that the mechanical walker has flamethrowers on its arms.
For shame.
October 14th, 2009 at 6:17 am
What I don’t get is why the Sultan’s Elephant has to be involved in giant mechanical tentacle/trunk rape in the first picture.
October 14th, 2009 at 6:12 am
But if you are watching the one on your screen and there are two… Oh noes behind you!
October 14th, 2009 at 6:08 am
That Fire Truck is straight out of Fahrenheit 451. Amazing…
But good god. I’m glad as hell I read this article while sitting on the toilet. It saved me a bit of embarrassment.
October 14th, 2009 at 6:01 am
Lobster do you even know the Internet?
October 14th, 2009 at 6:01 am
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October 14th, 2009 at 5:45 am
This is why I can’t see eye-to-eye with Francophobes. Any country that produces a spider tank with built in water cannons for what amounts to light-hearted psychological terrorism clearly has it’s virtues.
October 14th, 2009 at 5:36 am
[...] Badass Things You Can Actually Ride to Work Jump to comments Posted in: Featured There’s a new column up at Cracked, regarding all of the things I wish my Kia was instead of a deathtrap. I would pound out a few more [...]
October 14th, 2009 at 5:28 am
Wow, this was the hardest I’ve laughed at any article in quite some time. Thank you, Brockway!
If that guy would start marketing DIY Voltrons that could be given as Christmas presents, our reality TV would finally become worth watching.
October 14th, 2009 at 4:44 am
Good, other than the references to World of Warcraft and Lord of the Rings. I think those things are a little obscure for most internet audiences.
October 14th, 2009 at 4:41 am
Why am I not surprised that number 1 on a list of walking machinations of death comes from Japan? And there’s fucking two of them! That means there must be at least six people who were inspired by Dr. Loveless in Wild Wild West?
October 14th, 2009 at 4:38 am
…..I must design a giant mech…..I will fight this man!
October 14th, 2009 at 4:23 am
Classic! Loved the line about Conan calling you out in the Fire Truck. Amusing as always, Mr. Brockway…
October 14th, 2009 at 4:23 am
“Skeletor and Cobra Commander don’t get along these days and I have it on good authority that neither will chip in for gas money.”
Loved it!!!
October 14th, 2009 at 4:16 am
“That, friends, is a giant robot spider.
The end.”
Hilarious
October 14th, 2009 at 4:14 am
Just noticed ‘Tynemouth’ and I rest my case.
October 14th, 2009 at 4:13 am
The English, or possibly Scottish, people watching the fire horse look unimpressed - they are British, after all. However the person sitting immediately behind, probably foreign, has obviously pissed themselves.
October 14th, 2009 at 4:12 am
Awesome. Obama, why aren’t we funding giant battle mech technology? Cancer research is nice, but saving people can get boring. Let’s mix it up