Turns out that was Econoline. Words are such bullshit.
It seemed a little odd when people got excited at the prospect of it 'turning around,' but I just figured they were rape fans. Now that I understand what it is, I see why it's so vital to so many people that we see it improve. So has it? To answer that question, I'll be testing five key signs of an recovering economy out there in the real world, and reporting my conclusions back here.
Housing Market Index Rising
A solid housing market is an important part of any economy. The only real world way to test its vitality, however, is to buy a house myself. And that's just an impractical thing to do for research on an article that's only paying two quail and a pornographic pen (I'll only work on the barter system: The only honest currency.) But I can go through as much of the process as possible and extrapolate on that. First step: Attend an open house...
Every house is open with a well-aimed rock!
After participating in a one-night "test-live," the Realtor made it quite clear to me that I was not eligible to purchase the home in question, and furthermore, that if he ever saw me near his teenage daughter's room again, he would "anger-fuck [my] eyes out." No amount of negotiating seemed to bring the price down from "the police are on their way." I wasn't even able to claim Squatter's Rights (side note: Did you know it's two years? Years! I mean, if you can stay two years in somebody's house without them knowing, more power to you, but I can barely make it a full night most times.)
So I'm sorry to report that on this test, the economy failed like the complete and utter asshole that it is.
Retailer Profit Growth
A stable economy will show improved profits from retailers: As consumers regain purchasing power, the price of goods inevitably trends upward. No need to get fancy on this one, I'll just go shopping and compare the cost to last year: I went to my local Korean mini-market, where the owner and I have established a friendly rapport: He swings a bat at me and tells me I "no welcome here," while I continuously dodge said bat to the best of my ability and go about my business. Sure, I get tripped up once in a while - it's hard to dodge death-blows while verifying the integrity of a dozen eggs, for example - but I like to shop local. Really do my part and all that.
PROTIP: The more local a business is, the less likely they are to afford security cameras!
Unfortunately, I cannot confirm that retail goods are on an upswing: If anything, they seem to be stabilized. I mean, it's not like I had to steal anything twice. I tried to poll the market-owner for his opinions on the state of the economy, but he just sat down cross-legged on the floor in front of the milk and started crying. He did say something about his business failing, but he seems to attribute this to some strange, pale, malevolent entity and its accursed slipperiness. Probably some kind of folk monster; these Asians are a superstitious lot. Overcome with pity for the man, I set the doorway afire as I left.
You know, for the insurance money.
I assume he had insurance. He looked very responsible, even though he was still sitting on the floor inside - which seems like pretty foolish behavior, what with the flames that close to the liquor section and all.