Cinema is an art form capable of telling stories that can entertain, reflect, and inspire -- but let's face it, 100 percent of us have sat through a whole movie just on the off chance that there would be even a brief glimpse of nudity. (If you have HBO, make that "a whole TV series.")
But the truth is, shooting even the steamiest sex scene is secretly as awful and uncomfortable as, well, sex in real life. And then you have famously erotic moments that took the behind-the-scenes awkwardness to a whole new level, like in ...
6The Wolf Of Wall Street: Margot Robbie's Sex Scene Left Her Covered In Paper Cuts
Margot Robbie got to live out the fantasies of every '90s teenager who wanted Leonardo DiCaprio to draw them like his French girls when she appeared in The Wolf Of Wall Street, where she shared a number of pretty steamy scenes with him. The movie tells the story of Wall Street huckster Jordan Belfort -- which, frankly, works better when viewed as an Inception sequel in which DiCaprio seriously abuses those dream-entering powers.
After firing his whole thief crew and getting a far better one.
Naturally, there's a lot of sex in the movie, mostly between Belfort and his wife (played by Robbie). At one point they even do it on top of a huge pile of money, because a scene where they copulate on a bed full of electric bills and soiled pizza boxes would be too depressingly familiar for most of us.
That money is now worth twice as much from having touched the butts of attractive people.
Behind the scenes, though, things were decidedly unsexy. Sure, life could be worse than being paid to simulate sex with an Oscar-winner and former Growing Pains cast member (as long as his name doesn't contain the words "Kirk" or "Cameron"). It obviously wasn't too bad a deal for Leo either. But for Robbie, the scene had an unintended consequence -- when she got up to get dressed, the crew gasped because her back, they said, was covered in "a thousand red scratches," as if she'd been whipped. Or like she'd been having sex on top of a pack of rabid cats, we guess.
It seems that, while it may look cool (and might be some kind of complex allegory for America), sex on top of money is super unpractical, as it leaves you with more paper cuts than a bloodthirsty Kinko's employee. Robbie definitely didn't recommend it; even the back seat of an antique car on a doomed steamship sounds more comfortable. We should note that, in the interest of journalistic accuracy, we carefully examined every available photo of Robbie taken thereafter and couldn't find any permanent scars, so there's that.
5Last Tango In Paris: Brando Couldn't Remember His Lines, Wanted To Write Them On His Co-Star's Butt
Last Tango In Paris is the story of a recently widowed man (played by Marlon Brando) having loads of anonymous sex with a young woman in 1970s Paris. It was directed by Bernardo Bertolucci and, we're guessing, paid for by the Paris Tourism Board.
If Paris hadn't bid highest, this could have been called Last Tango In Sheboygan, Wisconsin.
But despite its groundbreaking, NC-17-rated portrayal of raw sexuality driven by existential grief, things were pretty goddamn silly behind the scenes. This was mainly due to Brando, who was transitioning from his status as the devastatingly handsome greatest actor alive to the lunatic who refused to wear pants and demanded a dwarf sidekick. We've talked before about how this acting legend couldn't be arsed to learn his lines and relied on cue cards, famously reading his Superman dialogue off of baby Kal-El's diaper.
Well, according to various biographies, Last Tango In Paris was no exception. Brando found dumber and dumber ways to hide his lines, like the time he scribbled some dialogue down on the sole of his shoe, which must have required some rather elaborate positioning to read (then again, it's a sex movie). Another scene found him gazing to the heavens over his wife's dead body -- but even that poignant moment hailed by critics was him reading off some cards hidden on a far wall. It's hilariously obvious when you know what's going on.
"Even if a husband lives 200 fucking years, he's never going to be able to discover
his wife's real nature. Wet paint. Do not touch."
Oddest of all, with so many love scenes leaving no garments to hide cue cards, Brando came up with the suggestion of writing his prompts on Maria Schneider's rear. Bertolucci said no, but it's still disturbing to learn that Brando wanted to use his young female co-star's butt as his personal butt-shaped teleprompter.
For those wondering if at least the filmmaker behind the picture wasn't also crazy: He was quoted as saying that the actors and actresses making the movie were the "prolongation of my penis" and, "Like Pinocchio's nose, my penis grows." So, yup, this Oscar-nominated flick was made by a guy who needed script prompts from an ass and a director who subscribed to the most dubious penile enlargement method ever.