Celebrities, like spies and serial killers, constantly have to protect themselves from people trying to dig into their affairs. They're always one hacked email or leaked sex tape away from being in every late-night host's opening monologue, and that creates the type of vigilance even Batman tips his awkward rubber mask at -- most of the time, anyway.
While the media is constantly looking to catch celebs with their pants down, some of them just walk around with their tighty-whiteys around their ankles without realizing. For example ...
6 Tom Hardy's MySpace (From Before He Was Famous)
MySpace, much like goth haiku and urban electric jazz ballads, is something from the early 2000s that we've all decided to let go. Though, when we say "decided to let go," what we actually mean is "forgotten still exists and ohmygod I never deleted my account!" Calm down, thirty-somethings; nobody cares enough to dig up some mildly embarrassing pictures from the depths of a digital wasteland. Unless you've become an international superstar in the meanwhile. Like Tom Hardy.
Mad Max: Happy Trail
That man posing for a picture like he's new to online dating is in fact tough-guy actor Tom "Did you just spill my drink" Hardy, who until 2015 had a MySpace page chock full of photos that look like they were pulled from an audition tape for Magic Mike. Here he is apparently auditioning for the porn parody of Bronson, looking less like Gotham's reckoning and more like Stoke-on-Trent's next top model.
In addition to the pictures, there were also some delightfully juvenile posts, ranging from strange emo poetry ("I am a goldfish walking through a desert") to cooking a turkey ("x I'm cooking a turkey yo x x"). Pretty embarrassing stuff -- or is it? When Hardy was confronted by his past internet sins, he proudly responded that he didn't give a fuck. Hardy declared: "In my tighty-whitey budgie smugglers. In America, they say 'you should be ashamed of this,' but I'm actually not remotely ashamed -- that is me in my natural habitat, thank you." No, thank you, sir.
Heroes come in all shapes and sizes.
The profile has since been removed, no doubt by some uptight suits, or maybe by Tom from MySpace in an act of wild jealousy, but the legend will live on. It's good to know that even the greatest of actors can start out as silly duck-faced idiots. We look forward to Zac Efron becoming the most respected actor of his generation after Twitter takes a nosedive. Speaking of Twitter ...
5 Kanye Showed The World His Illegal Downloads
Much like the Coast Guard, folks in the entertainment industry get very angry about pirates. Like Kanye West, who, after the release of his latest album, The Life Of Pablo, and having a meltdown about (allegedly) being $53 million in debt, threatened to sue The Pirate Bay for costing him millions of dollars in illegal downloads. So it was kind of awkward when, a few weeks later, he posted a pic that revealed he was looking to torrent music software from the very same site.
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The sooner you stop expecting him to make sense, the happier your life will be.
Kanye tweeted a picture of himself listening to Sufjan Stevens on YouTube, probably trying to figure out how other people manage to be talented without being a Sean Penn-level douchebag. Unfortunately for him, he'd forgotten he had a couple extra tabs open showing that he was using The Pirate Bay to download a music program called Serum, a digital synthesizer selling for a little under $200.
"Kanye West uses a MacBook" is the greatest Windows ad of all time.
After seeing this, house music producer Deadmau5, who co-owns the software, called out Kanye, offering to set up a Kickstarter so that little Yeezy could afford whatever music software his label apparently didn't already have. Kanye didn't accept the help, as he's too proud to beg for money from regular people -- he only wants handouts from tech billionaires. Pretty bad form, especially for Kanye, who himself is a part owner of a bit of music software named Tidal, the new revolutionary music streaming service where rich musicians make money off of poor musicians. Not that he's any good at getting it to make money, though. Kanye couldn't even manage to convince his own simpleton in-laws to download the app. So, yeah, maybe he does need a five-finger discount every once in a while.
"Don't come to me about weak leads! You couldn't sell Tidal to a Kardashian!" -Jay-Z