Primary season is here, and that means politicians doing everything to convince us that they're actual electable people and not space lizards who subsist on spinal fluid and votes. One way they do this is through acting in various entertainments. Because nothing says "authenticity" like awkwardly reciting words someone else wrote. Now, you'd think every politician involved in the current election would have plenty of experience looking into a camera and lying, but the following examples paint a disturbingly different picture. This bunch makes everyone in The Ridiculous 6 look like Meryl Streep.
Unless ... are these famous politicians intentionally trying to make us think they're awful actors so that we'll trust them more? That might be the only rational explanation for bizarre on-camera romps like ...
6 Hillary Clinton Starred As "Hillary Gump" In A Cringe-Tastic '90s Parody
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If you think Foreskin Gump (a real thing; don't look it up) was the most awkward-to-watch Forrest Gump parody, oh boy are you in for a treat. In 1995, Gump-mania was running wild, so the Clintons capitalized on it by filming their own version for the Gridiron Club's annual fancy-people dinner.
Meet "Hillary Rodham Gump," waiting for a bus outside the White House despite having a whole damn motorcade at her command:
Not sure if that's a tourist or, like, a regular 1995 inhabitant.
Almost immediately, she drops the first of several "blank is like a box of chocolates" jokes: "The White House is like a box of chocolates -- pretty on the outside, but inside there's lots of nuts." Is ... is that a Bill Clinton joke? That sounds like a Bill Clinton joke. In any case, we know we're supposed to laugh at this point because the video punctuates each joke with an awkward close-up of Hillary looking into the camera.
"Ay dios mio."
Then begins a series of flashbacks, in which we learn that Hillary is in fact the anti-Forrest. Instead of accidentally giving people great ideas, she specializes in shattering political careers. She advised George McGovern to give a speech at 2 a.m., told Jimmy Carter to talk about mayonnaise (he misheard and thought she said malaise), and we find out through a clip of All The President's Men that she was Deep Thr-- OK, that's a Bill joke for sure.
Warner Bros., Gridiron Club
Years later, the real Hillary would learn that every woman in the White House was Deep Throat except her.
Oh, and because this was the mid '90s and Hillary's thing was still "hair," she changes wigs with each new flashback. Apparently "life is like a hairstyle; you just keep changing it until you find something that works." Life is like a pandering stump speech too, in that sense.
Above: The first and last time anyone shoehorned Hillary Clinton, Marilyn Monroe, and Pulp Fiction-era Uma Thurman into the same conversation.
Tourist Bro then mysteriously disappears (exactly like the ... emails or the Benghazis or whatever, we don't watch CNN), and Bill takes his place. Because this was the mid '90s and Bill's thing was still "fat," he steals Hillary's chocolates and makes her produce some McDonald's French fries out of thin air.
This was his one requirement for shooting the video.
Today, this video is played nonstop at the Clinton Presidential Library. Maybe they forgot about it. Because this video is like a box of coconut chocolates: It sits there forever, gathering dust and mold, until you find it one day and it makes you vomit.
5 Ben Carson Was In A Farrelly Brothers Movie, And There's A Cuba Gooding Jr. Film About His Life
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Before he co-opted Donald Trump's bigotry and sexism for the OD'd-on-NyQuil crowd, Ben Carson was a famous and highly respected neurosurgeon. And what are respected neurosurgeons best known for? Acting in Farrelly brothers movies, of course:
In the 2003 film Stuck On You, conjoined twins Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear finally decide to get un-stuck from each other, and Carson's just the sleepyhead to do it. However, we don't get to see him perform the one thing he's good at; he simply puts on a surgical mask and stares at the characters with those handsome, slightly serial-killer-ish eyes of his.
20th Century Fox
Can more than one Republican candidate be the Zodiac killer?
His only dialogue is a joke that Arrested Development would eventually do way, way better (and not just because they got a real actor to say it). Post-surgery, Carson wakes up the twins' girlfriends to sadly inform them that he "lost them." As they understandably start to cry, another doctor tells Carson that they found the twins upstairs -- he meant "lost them" as in physically, you see. The girls respond to this uproarious swerve by shoving Carson, who reacts exactly as you'd expect him to: as if a soft bit of white noise gently awoke him from a sound, peaceful slumber.
20th Century Fox
"So, uh, when do we get to the 'hair gel' scene?"
Amazingly, this borderline-pointless cameo got him invited to the film's premiere, probably to resuscitate any spectators who slipped into comas during the screening. Carson was so beloved before he blew it all in favor of the dumbest presidential run since Mondale that he got an even dumber TV movie made about his life. Released in 2009, Gifted Hands: The Ben Carson Story was notable for, well, not much, aside from proving that Cuba Gooding Jr. would let absolutely anyone show him the money by that point.
Gooding is now typecast as "beloved black celebrity in the news for the wrong reasons."
It's not even about Carson's career for the most part; the bulk of the film concerns his childhood, and how he went from a straight-F student with a violent temper to a medical genius more laidback than a hundred Bob Rosses. You could find and watch the whole film, but you've got better things to do, like bleed out slowly. So here's a brief snippet, just to show you what kind of schmaltzy crap TNT resorts to when the Hawks aren't playing.