War is terrible. We're pretty sure we're not the first people in history to voice that opinion. However, you get the sense that it's at least waged over important things: territorial disputes, national security, assassinations, which starter Pokemon is best -- big, big stuff. But, wars are sometimes started by nothing much at all -- just a little lie, and then ...
6Hitler Stages A Fake Polish Invasion On German Radio To Kick Off WWII
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World War II began on September 1, 1939, when the Nazis invaded Poland. But, roll back one single day, when Hitler justified said invasion by beaming a heaping load of horse shit across Germany's airwaves. See, the Fuhrer had a hideously mutated hard-on to invade Poland for quite some time, but he also had that whole "convincing the German populace that he was not, in fact, evil incarnate" thing to worry about. So, debuting the big budget sequel to a hit war would require a damned good excuse.
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One better than "Carts of kielbasa, ripe for the taking!"
That's why, on August 31, 1939, Sturmbannfuhrer Alfred Naujocks led six SS officers disguised as Polish resistance fighters as they nabbed Polish farmer Franciszek Honiok, drugged him, and carried him to a German radio station in Gliwice, 4 miles from the Polish border. Once there, the men stormed the station, wrestling control from the three engineers on duty. A Polish-speaking SS officer announced, "Attention! This is Gliwice. The broadcasting station is in Polish hands," before an engineer cut power to the transmission. To the average German citizen, it was the equivalent of a modern American hearing, "Live from New York, it's Canada totally invading your shit!"
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This was back before TV, when you could only hear teabaggings.
Before leaving, the SS officers dressed farmer Honiok in a Polish army uniform, put a bullet through his forehead, and left him on the steps of the radio station as "proof" of the "Polish invasion." The German news agency dutifully spread word of the attack throughout Germany, other agencies such as the BBC picked up and spread the news worldwide, and Germany had their justifiable reason to kick Poland's ass after school by the flagpole. As Hermann Goering would later put it while chilling in his dank cell at the Nuremberg trials: "Naturally, the common people don't want war ... But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along ... All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country."
Well, that all sounds dangerously familiar, doesn't it?
5Macedonia Creates An Elaborate Fake Terrorist Plot And Murders Civilians To Impress The U.S.
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Six months after 9/11, then-Interior Minister Ljube Boskovski made a big announcement to the world. In a pitched gun battle near Skopje, Macedonian police had taken out seven "mujahideen" whose intent was to attack U.S., British, and German embassies in the capital city.
"We only had our training and above-average in length and girth penises to stop them."
Questions were soon raised about the validity of the report, however, and by September 2002, the immensely disturbing details had come to light: The seven so-called terrorists were actually Pakistani and Indian migrants, lured to Macedonia with promises of assistance in immigrating to Western Europe. After being put up in a nice apartment and comfortably fed, the seven men were driven to the edge of Skopje and handed guns before the minivan carrying them peeled off. Then, a special police unit known as the Lions -- who, to be clear, were unaware that the men they were confronting were not actual terrorists -- opened fire on them, shooting them up to 53 times each.
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That's more ammo than Macedonian cops had used in the entire 20th century.
Ljube Boskovski earned himself a prominent spot on the United States blacklist for penning this fucked-up screenplay and is currently serving dual jail sentences for illegal campaign funding during a 2011 election and for the cover-up of a 2001 gangland-style murder that took place under his watch. Though that's probably scant comfort to the families of the seven innocent immigrants killed just so Macedonia could impress America and join the War On Terror. That's like spamming LinkedIn with bullshit resumes, begging and pleading to be let in. You were already a member, Macedonia. They were taking literally anyone.