Women are constantly being harassed by creepy dudes who have greasy mustaches growing right on their very souls. We're not sure how the ideal scenario plays out in those perverts' heads. "If I show this random girl my dick for no reason, she'll fall in love with it. I've got a very lovable dick!" Oh, but sometimes that story plays out in a hilariously different fashion than the pervert intended ...
5Philadelphia Ladies Track Down And Catch The Swiss Cheese Pervert
New York had Son Of Sam. San Francisco had the Zodiac Killer. Philadelphia had ... the Swiss Cheese Pervert?
Back in 2014, a serial criminal cruised the streets of Philly armed only with deli-fresh Swiss cheese and his exposed genitals. His modus operandi: approaching unsuspecting women and asking them to wrap his penis in cheese and masturbate him. Let that act now and forever be known as a "cheesesteak handy."
For someone who frequently negotiates wrapping his hog in dairy products with unwary passersby, the Swiss Cheese Pervert was a surprisingly careful man. Even after he'd already harassed several women, the police had no leads on catching him. So the women of Philadelphia took action. One lady was able to snap a photo of the guy. She passed it on to the local town watch. They posted it on Facebook, where it of course went viral, because that is literally what the Internet was invented for (that stuff about "military communications" is an urban legend).
When even the power of the Internet proved unable to connect the grainy picture with a name, it seemed that the investigation stalled out ... until a woman named Gabby Chest stepped forward. Yes, that is seriously her name. Gabby Chest vs. The Swiss Cheese Pervert happened in reality, instead of in a Nancy-Drew-themed porno. Gabby had been receiving strange messages from a man on OKCupid who was asking her to Jack his Monterey with some Swiss. He also shared his somewhat sad supervillain origin story with Gabby -- for him, cheese had become a substitute for women, as "girls are soft and have milky complexions."
Philadelphia Police Department
Well, we're off grilled cheese for fucking ever now. Thanks.
Gabby figured that the man who sent her these messages and the Swiss Cheese Pervert must be the same guy. Because seriously, how many people have this fetish? (We mean before now -- we're sure many of you just discovered something terrible about yourself while reading this.) Gabby put her knowledge of the dude on the town watch Facebook page, which enabled a local reporter to piece together his identity and knock on his door.
Five days later, the Swiss Cheese Pervert was arrested. He eventually pleaded guilty to indecent exposure and was sentenced to sex offender counseling and eight months' probation. We wouldn't wish this on many people, but for your crimes against women, sir, we hope you become lactose intolerant.
4A Woman Gets Revenge On Online Creeps ... By Telling Their Mothers
Consider the story of Alanah Pearce, who committed the treacherous crime of posting video game reviews on YouTube while in possession of a vagina. Because the Internet is a terrible place that would reek of hot dog water if it had a smell, Pearce of course attracted violent comments and rape threats. She tried to ignore them, but was understandably disturbed. Eventually, she got fed up enough to start digging up her harassers' Facebook profiles, and uncovered something terrifying: It turns out that many of the people who hurl explicit, bigoted threats at folks online ... are in fact 12-13-year-old boys.
Pearce knew that publicly shaming these kids would probably be an unwise course of action (kids are still kids, even if they should be exiled to a remote island until they grow a conscience). So she took a more low-key approach: She went through their Facebook friends lists, tracked down their mothers, and informed them of what their offspring was up to online. The reaction was predictably priceless: