Whether a movie is destined to become Star Wars or Gigli, chances are the producers will throw a big fancy premiere screening for everyone to show up and pat each other on the backs. Normally, these premieres are little more than fancy viewing parties for the cast and crew, giving them a chance to see their finished product without having to go to a regular theater and sit amongst the riff-raff garbage people they try so hard to avoid. But every now and then, movie premieres will go terminally overboard and attempt to pull off some dumb headline-grabbing stunt which backfires in predictably hilarious ways.
5 Last Action Hero: A Giant Arnold Schwarzenegger Balloon Is Exiled To The Sea
Last Action Hero seemed like a can't-miss blockbuster. It had a smart, genre-lampooning script by Shane Black, it was being helmed by the director of Die Hard, and it starred Arnold Schwarzenegger at the peak of his box office juice.
Naturally, the road leading to the film's premiere had to involve some larger-than-life marketing stunts. Firstly, Columbia Pictures erected a giant, terrifying inflatable Arnold in the middle of Times Square to promote the movie. If its hideousness and size wasn't nightmarish enough, it was also carrying a bundle of dynamite ... three days after the 1993 World Trade Center bombing.
Naturally, this upset people, so the dynamite was changed to a badge and the balloon was put back up, before it was apparently exiled to a barge in the ocean where it couldn't upset anyone.
Big Events Inc.
"Give me your rifles, your grenades, your huddled bullets yearning to be shot into bad guys' faces."
The next stroke of genius in a marketing campaign, which had so far put a giant bomb-wielding monster in the heart of a city rebounding from tragedy, was to go into outer goddamn space. The studio reportedly spent around $500,000 to have a NASA space shuttle plaster the Last Action Hero logo on it -- a weird move for a flick that doesn't have anything whatsoever to do with rockets or space travel. They also painted "Schwarzenegger" on all the booster rockets, a subtle indication that the shuttle was powered by steroids.
"A power metal version of 'The Star Spangled Banner' will be played over the launch."
The movie opened in June, and the rocket was planned to launch in May. However, because the universe is occasionally a wondrous place, the shuttle was delayed to July, before finally launching in August, by which time Last Action Hero had died a swift and unheralded death at movie theaters across America. So Columbia Pictures built not one but two separate Towers of Babel to promote their Schwarzenegger movie.
Despite the fact that they'd wasted a shit-ton of money on offending New Yorkers and painting a grounded shuttle, they continued to pour the gasoline of money on the fire of Last Action Hero's impending failure. The premiere was a lavishly depressing affair. For some reason, they built a replica of Hamlet's Elsinore castle, and trussed up a Leo the Fart mannequin from a crane. For those of you who haven't seen Last Action Hero, Leo the Fart is a fat dead gangster whose corpse gets stuffed with nerve gas set to detonate in the middle of his funeral. So Columbia Pictures promoted Last Action Hero with yet another public display of a delightful fake bomb.
Most of the expected stars did not attend the premiere (a fact which was alarmingly apparent due to a gimmick wherein their arrivals were announced over a loudspeaker). One of the few who did was Arnold's teenage costar, who was wearing a Last Action Hero T-shirt.
4 Superman IV: Superman Doesn't Show Up
After two decent Superman movies and one so terrible that it's central plot point was Superman splitting in two and fighting an alcoholic version of himself, the world was finally ready for the king turd of Superman IV: The Quest For Peace. Like Kryptonite to your enjoyment of cinema, the Superman series was picked up by Cannon films, which (as we've discussed) was basically the estranged deadbeat uncle of '80s Hollywood. Superman IV found Supes rounding up and destroying all of the world's nuclear weapons (either leading to a utopia or a cruel Kryptonian dictatorship) and fighting a new villain: Nuclear Man, who basically looked like a roided-out MacGyver trying to rob a nail salon.
"Check out how rad these are! Can you believe this shit?"
Bizarrely, the movie premiered in London as a charity event, with special guests Prince Charles and Princess Diana. Cannon inexplicably requested that the film's superheroes attend in costume, which may have been fun treat for the newly-wedded royal couple, were it not for one thing: Christopher Reeve did not come to the premiere in his Superman costume. In point of fact, he didn't come at all. Probably because even he thought that the movie was an "absolute mess."
"We're sorry there's not a new Bond movie to watch for charity instead."
This wouldn't have been a huge deal (Reeve's family attended in his absence), except for the fact that the poor schmuck who played Nuclear Man was now the only person at a highly-publicized event featuring the royal family dressed like a stupid asshole.
It was almost as humiliating as having to wear that in Superman IV.
Nuclear Man isn't a recognizable character from the comics. Without someone else standing directly next to you in a Superman costume, no one is going to know who the hell you're supposed to be. So actor Mark Pillow was stuck explaining to every guest that he was Superman's nemesis, and that his bosses had requested he attend in costume, and that's why a thin layer of polyester was the only thing standing between the future King of England and his spandexed scrotum.
It was at this precise moment that Britain once and for all decided that they were fine with America leaving the empire.