Working environments are stressful places filled with activities you don't like, people you can't stand, and drama you can't escape. A normal employee might remedy this by leaving a passive-aggressive note on the microwave or peeing on the manager's keyboard. But, if you work at a software company, your clever revenge against your coworkers might just get immortalized in a video game instead ...
6Hideo Kojima's Bizarre Breakup With Konami
Hideo Kojima has been making Metal Gear games since the mid-'80s. Recently, he started butting heads with Konami, the game's publisher. The drama was made public when Konami removed his name from the Metal Gear Solid V box art. It'll be tough to help nongamers understand this, but ... imagine you're Guy Fieri. You wake up, brush your teeth with southwest nacho cheese, smell around a pile of fiery silk shirts for one clean enough to wear, and open your email. The meatball grease from your hands shorts out the keyboard, yet you manage to read the subject line: "We're taking your name off Guy Fieri's Bomb-Ass Chipotle Gangsta Sauce." That feeling? That's called betrayal. That's what this Hideo Kojima name thing was like for gamers.
But, if Hideo Kojima is known for one thing, it's for inserting an absurd number of details into his games. So, why not insert an absurd number of fuck yous to Konami instead? First, he inserted a side quest in Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes, where the player is tasked with erasing logos from a map. Each logo is from a Metal Gear game he produced. It was meant to represent how Konami was erasing him from their history.
Did you expect actual subtlety from a guy who once named a vampire character "Vamp"?
You have to be a pretty entrenched fan of his work to catch all the winks, so Kojima sometimes stops the entire game to wink so hard his eyelashes shatter. In this case, after you erase all of the logos from Hideo's games, a message pops up to say that, despite removing Kojima's work from the world, his memory will never disappear. Then, a voice -- probably Kojima himself -- says, "You seem to be a fan of Hideo Kojima games ... thank you for all your support." Jesus, we either got it 30 minutes ago, or we don't care.
It makes you want to crawl inside a conveniently placed cardboard box until he goes away.
Without knowing any details, it's hard to feel too bad for Kojima. Every mission in Metal Gear Solid V begins and ends with credits that list him multiple times. During the game, you rescue him -- the actual Hideo Kojima -- twice, and it's not the first time he has done this. He puts himself into his work more often than a sex doll designer. If you've played Metal Gear Solid V for more than a minute, Hideo Kojima has told you he made it approximately 500 times.
Hideo Kojima's Hideo Kojima, created and directed by Hideo Kojima.
5The Hidden Rants In Pachi Com
Pachinko games are Japanese gambling machines where a metal ball bounces randomly down pegs. You've probably seen them and categorized them next to sex tentacles and schoolgirl-kicking as something you'll never understand about Japan.
Above: Step 207 of Japan's election process.
Since gambling for money is illegal, pachinko machines pay out in pachinko balls, which can be traded for prizes, which can then be traded for money ... or extra running kicks against schoolgirls, depending on priorities. Pachinko is obviously a complicated, dynamic game, but it was compelling enough that, in 1985, someone made an NES version of it.
Instructions: Press A to drop ball. Press none to watch. The end.
Pachi Com had everything it needed to be the most forgettable Nintendo game of all time. Boring concept ... limited interactivity ... it was basically Slow March Toward Death: The Game. And one of the developers knew this going in. Inside Pachi Com, a designer calling himself "Y.S." left an angry, ranting message that took up 5% of the game's code.
Y.S. really gets some shit out. He starts by complaining about his boss, that goddamn Mr. Gouhara from planning. No one playing the game knew this, but hidden in the workings of this otherwise dull ball-falling simulator was this text:
"I'M SAYING WHAT I WANT FROM HERE ON IN !! Mr. GOUHARA from JPM planning does absolutely nothing but gives me all sorts of crap anyway. SHUT UP, YOU IDIOT!"
He then stormed into the Matrix, slammed the door, and played The Smiths while weeping uncontrollably.
Imagine you loved video games and devoted your life to learning how to create fantastic worlds of action and adventure. And then someone says, "Make the ball bounce down pegs. Sometimes it will go left, other times it will go right." You would be bitter, too. Y.S. also ranted at the sound designers for being idiots who have no idea what pachinko balls sound like. He typed, to no one really, "Do you WANT it to be this hard to hear the balls!?"
It wasn't just idle insults, though: Y.S. thoughtfully included hex code addresses to let future digital archaeologists know where to find the "decent" sounds. When the game was ported to the MSX game system, he still had more to say. In that version, his message began with "SCHLIK SCHLIK SPRAY SPRAY" which, loosely translated, means "Fap fap skeet skeet." He then went on to fill the code with song lyrics, followed by a final impotent demand, "Who do you think you are, Gouhara!?"
Reminder: He turned homicidally rabid over a game that was literally this and nothing else.
We may have lost the man's actual identity to history, but, generations from now, video game historians will still know that Gouhara, whoever he was, really, really sucked.