As children, we all form simplistic ideas about the way things work, such as "chocolate milk comes from brown cows" or "voters decide how the government is run." But then along come truth-lobbers like comedy websites and Neil deGrasse Tyson to destroy our childlike view of the Universe with crushing waves of irrefutable science.
Except sometimes it works the other way around. Sometimes, science reveals that the seemingly crazy things we believed as children were in fact 100 percent correct.
5 Yes, Your Parents Did Have A Favorite Child
If you grew up with brothers or sisters, odds are you grew up with the constant feeling that your parents favored one of your siblings over you -- unless, of course, you were the favorite, in which case fuck you.
You entitled little shit.
But this perceived favoritism was probably us projecting our own insecurities onto our family situation, right? After all, once we mature and reach adulthood, we realize that parents don't play favorites; they simply try their best to give each child what they need when they need it, and sometimes one child needs more than another. For instance, a toddler is obviously going to require more attention than your 10-year-old self, because at that age, your needs are fully met by Van Damme movies on cable and Chef Boyardee.
Well, we hate to be the bearer of bad news, but according to science, Mom really did love your older brother more than you. Studies have shown that 65 percent of mothers have a favorite child (usually the oldest boy), while 70 percent of fathers claim to have a favorite (usually the youngest girl). And seeing as how admitting to loving one of your children more than the others isn't something people traditionally take pride in, those numbers are most likely underreported. In other words, science completely backs the "mama's boy" and "daddy's little girl" stereotypes. Another stereotype that science can totally get behind? Middle children are endlessly put upon. That show with Frankie Muniz was pretty much a documentary.
"Dad, can you buy a tripod so I can be in the picture too?"
"Son, you're nature's tripod."
Don't believe us? Just ask your mom. And if she's hesitant to answer, wait until she's around 70 years old and ask again -- moms tend to be much more honest about their parental favoritism at that age. Because when you've been alive for seven decades, who the hell cares anymore? But if you don't like her answer (and you won't), try not to hold it against her -- she's following an instinct that evolution has hardwired into our brains, causing us to favor those children most likely to successfully pass our genes on to future generations. So put your mind at ease by telling yourself that it's not your brother's personality which makes him Mom's favorite; it's the fact that his genetic advantages are far superior to yours.
4 Medicine And Vegetables Really Do Taste Worse When You're A Kid
Remember how bad everything that wasn't candy and Cookie Crisp tasted when you were a kid? You'd have rather transformed your larynx into a shuriken than choke down so much as a single drop of cough syrup, and things like spinach and Brussels sprouts were boiled manifestations of the evil currently living beneath your bed. Meanwhile, the adults of the household gleefully slurped that shit down while insisting that it was good for you and promising that they would lock you in your room for the night if you didn't finish every steaming, hideous bite that they had so generously placed before you.
But that's immaturity, right? You demanded nothing but candy all day every day because you were a kid, and kids are bratty and stupid. You also wanted to go to school dressed like Batman. All of your opinions were bullshit.
"Oh, we should get a unicorn to cure grandma's cancer? Thanks for the medical tip, Katie."
But according to science, you weren't being whiny. Well, not just being whiny, anyway. Some things simply taste worse to kids. See, kids are born with mouths like an audience at Bonnaroo -- they're positively filthy with taste buds, each one scrambling to get a better view of the next act (and also to lick it). By the time we're adults, however, around two-thirds of those taste buds have bailed to look for a nearby Waffle House, partly due to our tendency to start doing things like smoking and enjoying Starbucks beverages at temperatures approaching "the Earth's core."
That's why sweets are the very best thing in a kid's life, and it's also why things with a bitter note taste so much worse to them -- more taste buds means more bitterness. Medicine often tends to taste bitter (as do many vegetables), which is why science is hard at work figuring out ways to make children's medicine more palatable. And speaking of medicine, remember your first beer? If you were young enough when you tried it, you damn well do. When your dad/uncle/parental figure with questionable judgment told you that it was an "acquired taste," what they meant was that you'd be able to tolerate it once enough of your taste buds had committed mass suicide.
"And then you won't need to take that bitter medicine, because you can self-medicate!"
And while we're on the subject of kids' dumb demands at meal time ...