In the latest installment of our never-ending quest to keep you safe from the Internet's tidal waves of bullshit, we'd like to focus on alien life. Not content with invading our planet in movies, aliens are now invading our news sites, using their advanced technology to warp them into total nonsense. You'd think we wouldn't have to write this article, considering the only valid news headline about aliens right now would read "Aliens: Still Not A Thing." And yet ...
6Scientists Didn't Say That Octopuses Are Aliens
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This explains why they look like they were designed by HR Giger.
So shit, they're the descendants of Cthulhu? Should we be building shrines and working on a communication device so octopuses can guide us to their planet, where we'll serve as their slaves? All hail our new octopus overlo-- oh, it was a joke.
You're not allowed to be an overlord when your underlings regularly grill you up and serve you with butter.
Nature. That's probably why no one reads you but, you know, thanks. The scientist who conducted the DNA study used the alien comment to jokingly compare octopuses to other earthbound marine life, because that's how far apart they are. Some of the publications got the joke but rolled with the alien analogy anyway because fuck the facts, while others genuinely seemed to think that scientists had concluded that some sort of octopus meteor slammed into the ocean a million years ago. We're honestly not sure which is worse, but "blatant lies" and "staggering ignorance" are both poor reporting strategies.
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The only alien that Captain Kirk wouldn't bone.
We know this doesn't sound like a big deal (very few people vote for a president based on their stance in the great "Octopi: Aliens Or Just Ugly?" debate), but as Quarks to Quasars points out, most people shared this article because of the alien claim. At least one person was using this to disprove the existence of evolution, adding further layers to the stupidity. That will teach those scientists to try to make their work more relatable to laymen!
5You'd Have To Be Seriously Dumb To Think NASA Is Covering Up Evidence
When NASA released a photo of Mars with a weird, blurry object in the middle, there was only one logical explanation: Somebody get the FBI's top porn addict on the case, because there's clearly a conspiracy going on here!
Or it's a McDonald's, and they can't show the logo for licensing reasons.
According to a YouTube video deemed newsworthy by the Houston Chronicle, NASA definitely blurred out a large metal object in a Mars photo -- possibly a downed UFO, or a huge cosmic orgy that we weren't invited to. The actual explanation is that NASA made a boo-boo while stitching together a panorama shot. Here's a crazy idea: If they wanted to censor information, then they could have simply not released the photo.
"Let's see, we have a photo of rocks, more rocks, Lord Xylor's Mega-Fortress, even more rocks ... which one do we post?"
To be fair, the Chronicle dismissed the theory as nonsense ... but only after tricking people into clicking. Meanwhile, Fox News has branched to posting misleading stories about other parts of the solar system, not just Earth:
"Can we get away with saying any ridiculous bullshit as long as there's a question mark at the end? Yep."
"Is it a large rock? Or an otherworldly pyramid? You decide." Goddammit Fox, that's not how news works. You don't let viewers make up their own facts about a fucking four-inch-tall rock. Yeah, that's what the Dailies Mirror, Express and Mail are writing hundreds of words about. NASA had to clarify that the rock was indeed nothing but a rock, which led to accusations that they were parroting the official government story ... as opposed to the accusations they would have received about staying suspiciously silent if they said nothing. They can't win, because we love to accuse NASA of covering shit up. Case in point:
This one's about how NASA interrupting a video feed due to technical difficulties proves that Mork is real. Yeah, because can you imagine how disastrous it would be for an agency that has lost hundreds of millions of dollars in funding to reveal that they've found alien life? What would they do with all that extra coverage, money, and science groupies throwing their panties at them? That's probably why NASA's chief scientist said that she thinks/hopes we'll find evidence of alien life by 2025: She wants some extra time to brace herself for the pantypocalypse.