Conventional wisdom says that having a little fame is better than having none -- as Lord Tennyson once said, "'Tis better to have been invited to Hollywood Squares and lost than never to have been invited at all." However, the descent from pop stardom to normal life can be so depressing and undignified, you'll probably wish you'd stayed a regular schmuck in the first place. After all, most people may never have fans or be on TV, but they'll also never go through shit like ...
6Coolio Promotes A Porn Site, Is Losing His Dreads
Back in '95, Coolio had one of the biggest rap hits of all time with "Gangsta's Paradise," a song about either the unflinching nihilism of gang life or Michelle Pfeiffer and whimsical haircuts. (Hey, it's been 20 years.) We all sort of expected that "Gangsta's Paradise" earned him enough money to be set for life, unless he decided to go all MC Hammer on us. Sadly, it seems like those Kenan & Kel theme song residuals have dried up, because Coolio's now writing promotional songs for the less family-friendly client that is PornHub.
Yes, Coolio found it necessary to align himself with a purveyor of copyright-skirting porno. He announced this titanic team-up in a video he posted to YouTube, wherein a fake TMZ interviews the rapper about his new gig as spokes-MC for grainy Mia Khalifa clips with so many errors and flesh-colored polygons that her vagina looks like a game of Star Fox.
Coolio followed this up with a music video for "Take It To The Hub," a song he wrote -- let's paint this in the starkest terms -- about masturbating to PornHub. This video is fantastically not safe for work, but let's just say it features Coolio simulating an erection with a pool noodle, his misspelled Juggalo tattoo shining in the California sun.
This is literally the cleanest screencap we can show.
TMZ later reported that Coolio had signed an agreement with PornHub to release all his new music through the website, which is rather confusing, since PornHub isn't a record label. The rapper later refuted TMZ in an equal parts poignant and hilarious Rolling Stone interview, declaring that he's lost his love for rapping:
"I'm never doing a new album. I'll probably do nothing but singles. ... But I don't know how much longer I'll be doing it. It's not really fun anymore."
And delineating his personal philosophy on adult entertainment, which we have accompanied with a photo of Coolio, so you can imagine the words coming out his mouth:
"I don't even watch porn, bro. You know why? ... Because I am fuckin' porn. Why should I watch somebody do something that I could be doing? That doesn't make sense to me. If I want to see porn, I'll fuckin' put a mirror next to my bed."
You may have noticed that the act of being a 50-year-old man has pared Coolio's once-fertile forest of gravity-snubbing dreads to two patches of pigtails. This is because, as a Coolio ages, the Coolio slowly sheds his braids until he makes his final pilgrimage to the fabled Coolio Graveyard, where the ground is littered with the fossilized hair tendrils of all those Coolios who came before.
5A Minor League Baseball Team Has To Apologize For Corey Feldman's Post-Game Concert
Corey Feldman was so famous in the '80s that he single-handedly (well, almost single-handedly) made the name "Corey" sound like a good idea. By starring in films like The Goonies, Gremlins, and Stand By Me, he made $1 million before age 15 ... which his parents immediately spent, but still, that's pretty impressive.
While you probably assumed that Feldman's current occupation is full-time drug addict, simply due to the fact that he was famous as a kid, we're happy to report that he has managed to escape the pull of cannabis, cocaine, and candy corn that nearly swept him away in the '90s. Instead, he holds confusing lingerie parties and formed a rock band called Corey Feldman & The Angels, which is without a doubt an outcome.
Crazy Bastard Records
Again: Not a drug addict! Probably!
The Angels should not be confused with Feldman's other band, Corey Feldman's Truth Movement, because that one could actually be mistaken for a real rock group if you look at them from the corner of your eye and don't buy their CD. The Angels, on the other hand, are just a bunch of nominally clad models dancing around Feldman as he pulls off the greatest Michael Jackson impersonation your middle school's talent show ever witnessed. That is precisely the spectacle Feldman presented in front of a befuddled audience at a minor league baseball game in Pennsylvania this year:
"Hey, Phil, are those new socks?"
The State College Spikes ended up apologizing for Feldman's concert -- mainly because they didn't hire him to do one. He was supposed to do a meet-and-greet with fans (as in, "people who remember the '80s") but unilaterally decided to promote his new musical venture.
"Carlton from The Fresh Prince never pulled this shit." -paraphrased quote from this article.
Feldman claims that as a result of this erotically charged minor league baseball concert, he was fired from an upcoming job as the emcee for the Special Olympics, all of which is a nonfiction sentence.