No matter how much we love a movie, most of us don't ever read the screenplay -- after all, isn't the whole point of going to the movies to avoid reading? (Unless you like foreign films, like some America-hating commie.)
Well, it turns out there's a lot of insanity hidden in the scripts for even the best movies. This is probably because in the days before screenwriting software, it was easier to just leave some ridiculous bullshit scene in than try to go through the torture of manually fixing it with a typewriter. Ridiculous bullshit scenes like ...
6Ferris Bueller's Day Off Had A Bizarre Strip Club Scene
Ferris Bueller: He's the lovable scamp who betrays the sympathies of an entire school so he can gorge himself in fancy restaurants, act like a jackass on parade floats, and generally drive his best friend closer and closer to the brink of suicide. Nevertheless, it's a beloved treasure of a movie, inspiring a sitcom, commercials, and a generation of kids to abandon their education for no good reason.
The screenplay is pretty close to the final movie, with tiny exceptions like Ferris stealing money from his dad and Charlie Sheen's character driving the entire narrative. However, since John Hughes banged the script out in less time than it took to write this article you're reading, there were understandably some kinks to work out -- such as the scene where Ferris visits a fucking strip club, jumps on stage, and pulls off the most boner-killing Elvis impersonation ever written.
Of course, it may not have felt like a crazy tonal shift, thanks to the magic of editing:
Wait, is this a script or free association poetry?
It's a pretty weird deviation to go from the "live life to its fullest" ethos of visiting the Sears Tower and touring the Art Institute of Chicago to the "live life spending a sunny day inside a dank, neon-filled pit of debauchery" ethos of this scene. Presumably, Ferris thought it was a necessary detour after Cameron nearly burst a blood vessel trying to mentally undress the women in a Seurat painting.
It's basically this, but with "Cherry Pie" playing in the background.
Understandably, Ferris' girlfriend, Sloane, is pretty unimpressed by her boyfriend taking her to a nudie bar, remarking that she's "losing respect for [him] by the bucket." (Of ... what?) Then, like the true douchebag we all secretly know he is, Ferris tries to intellectualize the experience, theorizing that the only reason someone would become a stripper is if they experienced some kind of tragedy, like losing a child. Because, as we all know, one of the five stages of grief is a fervent desire to dance naked for dollar bills.
Also, cool it with the tramp-shaming, Sloane.
Then, to top it all off, Ferris once again decides to hop on-stage -- and, in a scene more fantastic than anything in Lord Of The Rings, he proceeds to lip-sync an Elvis song instead of being tackled to the ground by a dozen bouncers.
"Then he's torn apart by horny truckers. THE END."
Because if any business is totally cool with teenage boys ignoring the rules, it's strip clubs, right?
5Tron Featured Computer Programs Having Sex
Tron is the Disney movie that taught America how computers work: There are tiny versions of you and your friends playing Olympic-like games in a laser-tag-themed rave inside each one. That's just science.
This is why it's important to cover your webcam while you change clothes.
One question hopefully no one asks while watching Tron is whether or not these computer sprites are boning each other between light cycle races. Well, here's the answer anyway: They absolutely are.
In a scene that was deleted and then hopefully taken to the woods and buried, the titular character and his romantic interest, Yori, go back to her apartment for a little menage a Tron. There's even some gross double-entendre that stops just short of Yori saying, "I want a hard drive, not a floppy disc."
The games he refers to are the Japanese "visual novels" Jeff Bridges installed on his computer.
Irresponsibly, there's no talk about using protection, but then again this was before Norton Antivirus was invented. And it's a Disney movie, so they have sex not via actual penetration but rather some kind of glowing cyber-groping where they try to "touch the other's entire body at once" until they're "enveloped in the cloud of stars." It's basically what it would be like if David Bowie wrote a song about dry-humping.
"Cloud of stars" is the nicest euphemism for jizz we've ever heard.
Disney actually filmed a less filthy version of this, but even that was deleted from the movie -- probably at least in part due to the fact that the actor playing Tron thought the whole thing was "confusing." Of course, had the series gone further down this path and allowed Tron: Legacy to be a hardcore sex flick set to Daft Punk, maybe they would have sold some more tickets.