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Professional wrestlers spend most of their time traveling from one concussion to another. They're screamed at by huge crowds of crazy fans, and filled with even huger crowds of crazy drugs. So it should come as no surprise that strange things happen when these men and women are on the road. But there's "strange" and then there's "How in the hell are any of these people still alive?" These stories are in the latter category.

Now, we were not present for any of these events, unfortunately. They were reported by witnesses who may or may not be full of shit. All we can do is dutifully pass them along, as they are amazing.

6
Sting And The Steiner Brothers Engaged In Mad Max Highway Battles

World Wrestling Entertainment

Wrestlers live in a near-constant state of violence, but most of them refrain from it when they're driving. Not Sting and the Steiner Brothers. They had a reputation for an act so dangerous that it's truly ridiculous anyone lived through it -- including bystanders. Let us explain.

The story goes that if Sting and the Steiners saw another car of wrestlers on the highway, they would speed close to them. When close enough, Scott Steiner would lift his brother Rick by the leg and ankle and dangle him out of the car. Then, while whipping through the air at 70 mph, Rick would open the other car's door and grab the nearest terrified occupant. It was crazy merely for the sake of crazy -- an interpretive dance about a contempt for danger. It's almost like calling Death a pussy for not doing anything about it. It's an activity only useful for testing the amount of shit pants can hold.

World Wrestling Entertainment
They rarely wrestled one another, because 20 minutes in the ring together
would give them even more time to plan pure terror.

If you saw this coming -- and we guarantee that the first person did not -- it's an easily avoidable prank, right? You simply lock the door. Well, that's exactly what Paul Heyman did in 1989, when he was driving the Samoan Swat Team (Samu and Fatu) to the next show and they saw Sting coming. Rick Steiner hung out the window, taunting death and sense, and tried in vain to open Paul's car door. When he found it locked, he pounded on the window, mad with dissatisfaction.

Since the classic "almost yank you out of the goddamned car" prank failed, Sting went to highway antics Plan B: Road Warrior Rampage. He pulled in front of Heyman's car and (keep in mind that he was driving the car) switched seats with Scott Steiner. He and Rick then proceeded to throw every loose object they had at Paul's car, starting with a goddamn watermelon.

World Wrestling Entertainment
"We got a 141 and 2/3 percent chance of taking both your lives and Gallagher's job."

Paul and the Samoan Swat Team survived the attack, but vowed revenge. They stopped at a gas station to buy everything throwable they could. It was probably obvious to the clerk that these men were buying objects for criminal activity and not refreshment, but when two 400-pound Polynesians are demanding your most explodable, hurl-able objects, it's no time to be a hero. At this point, you might be picturing them laughing and having fun -- a group of guys about to prank their pals. Well, it should be mentioned that before they got back on the road, Samu and Fatu carved "SST" into their hands with a knife. This was not a revenge prank. It was a blood oath.

World Wrestling Entertainment
They probably concluded this war dance by setting one another on fire and laughing about it.

When they found Sting's car again, the battle that ensued brought the apocalypse to North Carolina. These gigantic men waged a no-holds-barred debris match from speeding rental cars. And speaking of, when Paul Heyman finally returned his car to the rental place, they were pissed. There was so much damage that they declared it totaled, and to this day, he is blacklisted from renting a car in the state of North Carolina.

World Wrestling Entertainment
"Hey, can I bum a ride off of any of you guys? I'll bring food."

5
Perry Saturn, The Human Dildo Rocket

World Wrestling Entertainment

Perry Saturn has performed for every big-name wrestling company in the last 20 years, including Extreme Championship Wrestling, World Championship Wrestling, and the WWE. He also happens to be one of the single most insane individuals who has ever lived, period.

Kayfabe Commentaries
After Mike Tyson started raising pigeons, somebody had to save that tattoo's reputation.

While stuck in a hotel and being, in Perry's own words, as stupid as he was bored, he got the idea to hire strippers with fellow wrestler Raven. This idea naturally evolved into the idea of putting things into those strippers. But it's how Perry Saturn puts things into strippers that makes him uniquely deranged.

Perry, he claims, set up a Slip'N Slide in the hotel hallway and wet it down with a hose attached to a sink. At one end of it, a stripper sat nudely with her legs open. At the other end of it, Perry wrapped a strap-on dildo around his head and laid down. While the stripper's birth canal said its final farewells, Raven pushed Perry along the slide as hard as he could.

World Wrestling Entertainment
Thankfully, he chose a dildo instead of his old friend Moppy.

What happened next was more science than art. The wrestlers found that they couldn't get enough speed to lodge Perry's head dong inside the woman (who, for the 30th time that week, was retracing the steps that led to this moment in her life). To increase their velocity, Perry decided he needed rocket propulsion. He grabbed a fire extinguisher. On their second attempt, Perry aimed the extinguisher back at Raven, blasting it right as he pushed.

World Wrestling Entertainment
Yet another Raven-related fire extinguisher activity not endorsed by Kidde.

Now, in a cartoon or a Rob Schneider movie, this would of course propel the man toward slapstick hilarity and/or gross bodily harm. In real life, this instantly removed all breathable air from Raven, and did nothing else. Unfortunately, it's also exactly when security arrived to investigate why the floor below them was flooding. So a blinded, gasping Raven and a naked, dildoed Perry Saturn did not make much of an escape. They, the strippers, and every wrestler even loosely affiliated with them were thrown out of the hotel.

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4
C.W. Anderson's Near-Lethal Casual Sex Encounter

Mike Kalasnik / Wiki Commons

Being fit and well-traveled, it's reasonable to assume that professional wrestlers are successful with the ladies. This is a story about one of them being too successful.

ECW star C.W. Anderson was in Japan, spreading his international message of bonking men in the dick with a ladder, and he got together with a girl he knew. See if you can predict what part of this sentence is a comedic mislead: She came back to his room and they had ordinary, non-vaginal-explosive sex. You're right. Her vagina exploded.

World Wrestling Entertainment
Like this, only much more Shining-like.

Right after sex, blood started spraying from her hoo-ha. While C.W. was still deciding whether he should be proud of himself, medically concerned, or preparing to battle some kind of blood demon, the girl screamed that she was fine and ran to the bathroom. She told him to go get food with fellow wrestler Steve Corino while she worked out the Event Horizon madness coming from her crotch. C.W. thought that was a fine idea, so he left the worst thing anyone could imagine to get a snack. When he got back, she answered the door and immediately passed out.

Jonathan McLarty
"... We probably should've brought her a Band-Aid."

Anderson acted quickly. No, he didn't call a hospital or construct some kind of emergency blood transfusion kit. He emptied out his suitcase so he could stuff her inside and hide the body. Yes, you read that right. His first reaction to seeing his sex partner bleeding to death was to throw her in the trash. Luckily, Steve Corino wasn't raised by fucking spiders, and he suggested they at least try to keep her alive. His idea was to make her drink tons of orange juice. It wasn't a great idea, but it was better than leaving a dead body at the end of a blood trail and filled with your DNA.

Thanks to their quick thinking and all that vitamin C, the girl survived the wrestler-penis-induced gynecologic hemorrhage, but she's since probably switched to dating florists. And speaking of shenanigans that ended in a horrific bloodbath ...

3
Sid Vicious Vs. Arn Anderson In A Scissors Death Match

World Wrestling Entertainment

WCW wrestlers Arn Anderson and Sid Vicious were having a dispute one night at a bar, arguing over who was more valuable to their company and who was the better wrestler. Tempers flared, and they both eventually retreated to their hotel rooms to contemplate how best to prove they were right. Sid decided he should go to Arn's room with a stick. Arn decided to drink and then drink.

World Wrestling Entertainment
The appropriate reaction to the very thought that someone out there
might think that Sid Vicious was a better wrestler than anybody.

When Sid knocked on Arn's door and told him to come out, he heard him stumbling around and falling. According to Sid, he suddenly realized he'd gone too far and tossed away the stick he brought. This was a bad idea, because Arn, drunk and angry beyond reason, emerged with a pair of scissors. Scissors he used to stab Sid in the stomach.

World Wrestling Entertainment
Footage of the incident doesn't exist, so here's Arn, with Ric Flair playing the part of Sid trying to hold his guts in.

When Sid Vicious tells this story, most of his sentences are bracketed by the words, "take a look at the police report," a phrase uttered almost exclusively by violent, lying criminals. So take it with a grain of salt when Sid suggests that the scissors fell out of his stomach and the two lunged for them at the same time, whereupon he fought off a madman Arn Anderson with a series of calculated stabs. Most of his memories are probably lost to alcohol, then pieced together after waking up covered in someone else's blood.

The fight woke up most of the hotel, and fellow wrestler 2 Cold Scorpio arrived on the scene to find Sid standing over a very generously stabbed Arn Anderson, grabbing him by the hair, and kicking him in the face. Arn recovered, since getting beaten nearly to death with office supplies is kind of his day job. However, the incident did prove who was more important to the company, as Sid was immediately fired from WCW.

World Wrestling Entertainment
Should have stuck with the squeegee threats, Sid.

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2
WWE Legends Wreck A Car, Get Tased, Get Arrested

World Wrestling Entertainment

The one thing we can say about this legendary night involving "Cowboy" Bob Orton, "The Magnificent" Don Muraco, and "Rowdy" Roddy Piper is that it could have turned out much, much worse.

It was 1986 in Fresno, California. The night started like most did, with world-class alcohol abuse. They pounded drinks until 3 a.m., when they got the idea to go find more to drink. They stopped at a liquor store, where Piper started a fight. They were asked to leave, and they did so, drunkenly. Even more drunkenly, they drove away. Almost immediately, they careened off the road and got stuck on some railroad tracks, as if they were in an educational film meant to prevent this exact sort of occurrence.

World Wrestling Entertainment
From that day on, Piper sensibly stuck to drinking on the job, instead of behind the wheel.

Being both very strong and very hammered, Piper and Muraco decided to get out and lift the car over the tracks while Cowboy Bob drove it free. It didn't work, because that would be insane, and the gods of drinking stories were not done with our heroes. As the two wrestlers struggled to lift a car filled with luggage and Bob Orton, they heard a train coming. "Awesome," they all thought drunkenly, as they stepped back to watch their car get obliterated by a speeding train. Sadly, it was on another set of tracks and missed the car entirely. Shit.

Deciding maybe that was a sign they should call it a night, the gentlemen took a cab back to their hotel, where they found the police waiting for them. Cowboy Bob snuck around them and back into his room while they questioned Piper and Muraco. Then he hatched a brilliant plan: He got naked, locked himself out of his room, and started yelling like a madman. The police, trained but almost certainly not prepared for this, approached the strange nude man. Cowboy Bob challenged them to a fight, which they accepted, using the unspoken language of Taser. The incredible part isn't really so much that he got drunk and locked himself out of his room. Nor is it the part where he got tased. No, the incredible part is that they had to tase him a second time, because Bob Orton was 250 pounds of taser-proof cowboy. One taser is what he used to unwind.

The Fresno Bee
It gave the papers an excuse to do what they did best: apply silly wrestling terminology to a legitimately scary incident.

And strangely enough, after they finally shut down his nervous system with electricity, they put his naked ass back in bed and left. They also let Muraco go, and only arrested Piper because he wasn't checked into the hotel. Apparently, if you had a hotel room key in 1986, you could start a fight in a liquor store, leave your car on the train tracks, get nude, and pick a fight with police. If anyone invents a time machine, we've figured out what year we want to travel to.

1
Sandman Overdoses To Death, Gets Revived In Time For Show

Adam Etheridge / Wiki Commons

If you have ever called in sick to your job in your entire life, this entry is going to make you feel like a lazy asshole. While you had a bit of a headache and maybe a tiny stomach bug, professional wrestlers regularly get concussions, broken noses, and torn muscles at work and still get their jobs done. One wrestler even kept working after he fucking died.

One night in Milwaukee, ECW wrestler Tommy Dreamer was preparing for a match when his work was suddenly interrupted by an emotional, furniture-flinging Rhyno (that's another wrestler, not an animal), who told him that James "Sandman" Fullington had injected himself with Nubain and died in the car on the way to the show.

World Wrestling Entertainment
Here we see Sandman in healthier times.

Nubain is used in anesthesia or to treat severe pain, and it would make sense someone would use it if they spent most of their days falling off ladders onto thumbtacks. Unfortunately, it's dangerous to fuck around with. Fortunately, the overdose happened right next to a hospital, and they immediately got him treatment. Back to unfortunately, that last part isn't true.

The other wrestlers were trained as drug abusers, not paramedics. So when faced with the emergency of a dead friend, they snapped into action, pulling over and giving all their drugs to manager Bill Alfonso to hide. Once the evidence was hidden, they finally took Sandman to the hospital and they explained who they were and what had happened. Except that last part also isn't true.

World Wrestling Entertainment
After all, if the guy who hates him on TV is suddenly concerned for his life, then the illusion of wrestling is ruined.

No, what happened is they told the hospital staff they found a dead body by the road. Then they ran away. After all, they were late for work. And speaking of late for work, the hospital treated Sandman's corpse by ramming an adrenaline needle into his heart. He popped back to life and called Tommy Dreamer to tell him he was coming to wrestle in his scheduled match. Tommy, of course, told him he was crazy and to get some rest. Only that last part also isn't true. Sandman, minutes after being dead, went in front of a crowd and pretended to almost get beaten to death.

John Jewell
How is literally anyone else even allowed in the Hardcore Hall Of Fame?

And why not? These guys all thought they were immortal. He'd just had it medically confirmed.

Matt is currently a business student by day while masquerading on Cracked by night. He has a Twitter.

Yes, wrestling may be fake -- but the insanity is 100% real. For instance: Hulk Hogan was once arrested because his wrestling buddies refused to break character while being taken into custody. Read about that and more in 5 Insane True Tales Of Wrestlers Refusing To Break Character and The 5 Greatest Unscripted Disasters In Pro Wrestling.

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