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For some reason, most of us insist on thinking of our bodies as our own, despite the scientific truth that we are nothing but waddling colonies of tiny little monsters. Your body is such a welcoming environment that it is host to about 100 trillion microscopic organisms. So maybe it should be no surprise that, every now and then, something a little weirder shows up and makes itself at home:

A Leech Crawled Into A Woman's Nose And Stayed There For Weeks

via BBC

Scotland resident Daniela Liverani began to show symptoms involving irregular nosebleeds, and it was assumed that they stemmed from a motorbike accident she had recently been involved in. She began experiencing what she said felt like movement inside her nostril, but remained adamant that it was just a blood clot. Yeah, she wishes that was the reason.

Caters via bbc.com
Don't worry. There will be blood.

In October 2014, after getting out of the shower, Liverani caught a glimpse of something slithering part of the way out of her nose. It turned out that the real source of her problem was a three-inch leech that had made its way into her nasal cavity during a trip to Cambodia. It had been living up there for a motherfucking month.

Caters via bbc.com
Now let go of your nose and keep reading.

Doctors gave her the bad news about her nose tenant and attempted to remove it with a pair of tweezers, but apparently it enjoyed its new digs so much that it put up a hell of a fight, causing the removal process to take over half an hour.

The leech, which Liverani christened "Mr. Curly," was taken home as an overnight souvenir before being boiled to death the following day, which we suppose was the next best option to sticking it in a rocket and launching it into the sun. And then launching a second rocket to destroy the sun.

A Woman's Mouth Became A Haven For Squid Sperm

Gene Carl Feldman

A 63-year-old South Korean woman had the ultimate dining experience after taking a bite of squid in a restaurant. She felt a sharp pricking sensation in her mouth, spat out the offending wad of squid goo, and would have thought nothing more of it -- but she continued to experience pain. So ... she's probably allergic or something, right? Maybe it was a shady restaurant and the "squid" was eight old shark dicks taped together?

Well, she visited a local physician who, after examining her mouth, gave her the kind of news that nobody expects even when promised the worst-case scenario: Her mouth had been inseminated by squid sperm.

panda3800/iStock/Getty Images
"Why do you think they look like condoms?"

It turns out that male squid have an ejaculation system that really gets the job done, depositing sacks that have adhesive qualities and eject sperm into the surrounding area. In this extremely rare case, the squid hadn't been boiled quite hard enough to relieve its raging mollusk boner, and when the diner bit into it, it quite literally came so hard that it punched a hole in her mouth and left a dozen wriggling squid sperm behind to squirm about in search of a lady-squid.

Hemera Technologies/PhotoObjects.net
Biologists call this "bukaklamare."

If the diner had stuck around for a second course of female squid, this story could only have become a lot more interesting and Lovecraftian, but she had the offending spermatophores removed with no lasting consequence other than one particular squid having received the most confusing blowjob in history.

OK, let's get one that's not quite as gross as that ...

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A Pea Sprouted Inside A Man's Lung

fotomirc/iStock/Getty Images

In 2010, 75-year-old Ron Sveden from Massachusetts was rushed to the hospital for an incessant cough and shortness of breath. Due to the fact that he was a long-term smoker who had already developed emphysema, Sveden braced himself for the bad news that doctors assured him was imminent: lung cancer.

Merrily Lunsford/Cape Cod Times
"That's the price of spending decades being really, really cool."

But doctors were faced with a strange paradox -- they found a growth in his lung, sure enough, but further testing showed that he was cancer-free. After two weeks of testing, Sveden's doctor put him under anesthesia and dived in there to see what was causing the trouble. What he plucked out of the patient's lung, sure enough, wasn't cancer at all. It was a goddamned bean sprout. Apparently, at some point Sveden had inhaled a pea or a bean or something, because who hasn't occasionally scarfed their meal with such furious abandon that they didn't care which pipe it went down? Or maybe he was lining up beans on the table and snorting them through a straw like cocaine?

Arayabandit/iStock/Getty Images
"It's stronger than peabasing."

It sounds like a bullshit myth that your mom made up to try to get you to eat more slowly, but it's true that seeds can sprout in your lungs if they get down there. All they really need is a certain amount of warmth and moisture to "believe" that they're sitting in a pile of dirt and start growing. Apparently, Sveden's lungs offered just the right environment. Don't worry about vines bursting out of your chest while you sleep, though. The plant in your lungs can't grow for long before it starts to require sunlight, which is something that most of us can't provide, unless you also inhaled a sun. Either way, make sure the mass in your lung isn't a bean sprout before you abandon your life and break bad.

A Feather Sprouted In A Baby's Neck

scorpp/iStock/Getty Images

Little 7-month-old Mya Whittington from Kansas began to suffer a swollen neck in 2012, and her parents took her to the doctor to get it sorted out. The doctors concluded that she had a swollen gland, loaded her up with antibiotics, and sent her home.

But the swelling only got worse. Eventually, it grew bigger than a golf ball, and her panicked parents sought another opinion. This time, doctors diagnosed her with a staph infection and doubled down on the antibiotics.

VeraPetruk/iStock/Getty Images
Antibiotics can't fight possible Antichristing.

They were wrong again, but in all fairness to the doctors, there's no way they could have guessed the real cause of the problem, since this is supposed to be a world of science and reason and not a ghoulish realm in which madness and terror reign. Mya's parents noticed something strange growing out of the lump after the doctors had drained the pus out of it, and a pediatrician carefully tugged on it. But it just kept coming. You basically have two choices when a tentacle begins to make its way out of a baby's neck: You can get on the phone and call an old priest and a young priest, or you can try to yank that shit out and hope that you have the strength to slay the unholy beast that emerges.

Whittington Family
"Why did your lobby music suddenly start playing 'O Fortuna'?"

They decided on the latter method, and after gently working the strange object out of the girl's neck, they discovered that it was a two-inch feather.

Travis Morisse/The Hutchinson News
If she doesn't bring about the apocalypse, Mya has a great future in ballet.

No, Mya wasn't turning into some kind of half-bird mutant superhero baby. The best guess about what happened is that Mya had swallowed the feather, because when a baby sees literally anything, the only question in their mind is, "Should I eat that?" And unfortunately the answer is always yes. It got stuck in her throat, and her body tried to eject it via the most direct route. Normally that would mean coughing it up, but apparently whoever is in charge of this baby's biology was like, "Nah, just shove it out her neck sideways; it'll be fine."

And, yes, bird-baby is doing well.

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Maggots Can Totally Infest Your Mouth

SorJongAng/iStock/Getty Images

A 10-year-old girl from Brazil had been complaining about something wriggling around inside her mouth for so long that her mother eventually took her to the dentist, in much the same way that you might take your kid to a police station to scare them straight. But instead of giving the girl a stern talking to about making up ridiculous lies, the dentist inspected her gums ...

via IBTimes
Spoiler: The dentist isn't the scariest figure in this tale.

... and found that they were crawling with maggots.

Wait, that's not the worst part. See, if you're expecting some crazy once-in-a-century story about how the larvae wound up there through a series of hugely unlikely accidents, we have bad news for you. The reality is that mouth maggots is a common enough problem that it has its own medical term: oral myiasis.

Seriously, you do NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES want to click the play- *sigh* Too late.

Basically, if you have bad oral hygiene and you sleep with your mouth open in a place where bugs have access to your face, you have at least a small risk of having squirming larvae turn your gums into a writhing orgy. Your mouth is wet, warm, and full of soft flesh they can munch on. All they need is an opportunity.

In another case, an 81-year-old woman checked in to a medical center complaining about bugs in her mouth, which probably had the doctors thinking dementia before anything else (again, we are slaves to what we want to believe). But a closer inspection revealed her mouth to be a maggot theme park, and they removed more than 60 of the squirmy bastards from her gums.

For more reasons why nature is vile and needs to be burned with fire, check out 7 Adorable Animals That Spawn Terrifying Babies and The 7 Most Terrifying Mouths In Nature.

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