When you turn a movie into a video game, obviously some liberties must be taken. After all, without giant spiders, lava pools, goons with guns, evil robots, and spike-filled pits, 12 Angry Men: The Game would just be you talking to 11 white dudes until they agree with you. But it's one thing to add video game elements to your movie -- it's quite another, as we've pointed out before, to stray so far from the film that you miss its reason for existing entirely. We're talking botch-jobs like ...
5Star Trek: Conquest Has Starfleet Nuking Whole Planets
Star Trek's phasers feature a "kill" option, but the crew of the starship Enterprise strives to never use it. Supposedly, the Federation is all about exploration, diplomacy, and peaceful co-existence with whomever they come across. It's right there in the mission statement: "to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before." Nowhere does it say "kill 'em all and let Space Jesus sort 'em out."
CBS Television Distribution
"Our morals are too high and our budget is too low for that kind of nonsense!"
How the Game Misses the Point
This is the intro to Star Trek: Conquest:
All major races are at war. Diplomacy is dead, age-old alliances forgotten, and galactic borders ignored as each race battles for supremacy. Powerful fleets prowl the galaxy, establishing outposts, vanquishing indigenous and enemy fleets alike, in the pursuit of the ultimate prize: the capture of all homeworlds and galactic domination.
Fuck negotiation. Eat shit, exploration. Choke on a dick, peace.
This makes J.J. Abrams look like Gene Roddenberry Jr.
Conquest envisions a universe in which it's every race for themselves, and, instead of working overtime to reintroduce peace, Captain Picard falls right in line and tries to take over all the worlds too. The Galactic Federation, a utopian union of races and planets working together to form a more perfect universe, now embraces war machines, which they fuel by strip-mining resources from planets they conquer and enslave.
Leading your fearless, battle-thirsty savages is the cry, "This is for Earth!" because Earth is suddenly the only member of the Federation that matters. They might as well play "The Star-Spangled Banner" for the victory music.
Planet Earth, fuck yeah!
Remember the Genesis Device? It's Star Trek's version of a WMD: considered a failed experiment because, though it will introduce life to a barren world, it will also kill anything on an inhabited one and replace it with its very own "life matrix." Yet Conquest not only embraces the Genesis Device as a first-strike weapon against non-Earthlings, it throws near-unlimited Devices your way, allowing you to rain genocide on every planet you come across. This not only negates the morals of the show but also the whole "strategy" element of this strategy game.
In an Easter egg, you weep, for there are no worlds left to conquer.
4Goonies II Includes Mermaids and Dragons for Some Reason (and Makes Mikey Beat Up Old People)
The Goonies is fairly well grounded in reality: there is no pirate ghost or haunted treasure, nobody comes back from the dead, and the disfigured monster is actually just somebody's neglected, handicapped son. The children fight their attackers non-violently -- aside from one brutal crotch-biting scene, they mostly just run away and hide. Because it violates the suspension of disbelief a bit to have Chunk spin-kicking Mama Fratelli into a lava pit.
It also violates the conservation of angular momentum.
How the Game Misses the Point
The Goonies II video game (this is all new territory; there wasn't a film sequel that this game is based on) is clearly written by someone who did not think the Goonies were good enough. The evil Fratelli gang -- fresh out of their apparently two-week prison sentence for robbery, kidnapping, torture, and attempted murder -- exact revenge on head Goonie Mikey by kidnapping every single one of his friends, along with Annie. Who's Annie, you ask? There's no Annie in the film, right? Right. Because Annie is a mermaid. They've kidnapped a goddamn mermaid.
Did we mention that the game was made in Japan?
Remember, The Goonies is reality-based and, despite what the blowhards at Animal Planet would have you believe, mermaids aren't real. Neither are dragons, golems, and ghosts, but the Fratellis apparently control all of those things anyway. They also recruit an Eskimo gang to throw axes at Mikey, because some poor developer got confused and thought Eskimos were mythical creatures.
"In Oregon, we kind of are."
But don't cry for Mikey, because he's suddenly developed a fucking mean streak. Gone are the film's non-lethal methods of bringing down the baddies, and in their place are bombs, Molotov cocktails, and an irrational hatred of the elderly.
"Goonies never say die ... but you will."
Apparently, the events of the first movie just broke poor Mikey, and now he's created a delusional fantasy world to justify his hyper-violent geriatric Eskimo murder-spree.