Our universe is full of secrets, and you don't have to go far to find them. Some of the most complex enigmas of our daily lives happen within the confines of our very own bodies, which is why the reason hair turns gray can be more interesting to us than, say, what makes black holes tick.
Luckily, scientists are also bothered by these little everyday secrets our bodies hold, and they have set out to find answers. As a result of their tireless work, we now know the answers to some age-old mysteries, such as ...
5Why Does Your Voice Always Sound Disappointing When Recorded?
It's happened to all of us at some point. We go through life secure in the knowledge that our voice sounds like distilled sex, until one day some absolute bastard pulls out a recorder and captures our smooth, honey-dripping Barry White sounds on tape. But man, are you in for a surprise: When played back, that sweet, sweet voice of yours sounds like something very different, and that something is pure, distilled ass.
"Check the file name again. This is clearly a recording of Gilbert Gottfried dubbed off of an antique gramophone."
The pitch is wrong. The tone is wrong. If you're a dude, your voice sounds way higher than you ever expected. If you're a lady, your lush soprano suddenly grows a beard and twists into a deep-pitched imitation of itself.
Now, your first instinct may be to burn down the electronics store so no one can ever hear that blasphemy again. However, we advise against it -- that shit is actually your real voice, while the thing you hear in your head whenever you speak is the autotuned version only you hear. We hear our own voices because sound waves travel up from the vocal cords and vibrate our ear drums. However, the vibrations don't stop there; they rattle through our skulls, echoing about and distorting the sound in a way that we alone perceive.
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At least you can take some consolation in the fact that no one was listening to you in the first place.
But why do we invariably think our recorded voices suck monkey balls compared to what we hear when we speak? Like most things involving humans, it comes down to who we want to bone. Men prefer women with higher voices, and women prefer men with deeper voices. Deep pitches are attributed to bigger bodies, and we as a society have deemed big men to be the best mates. Higher pitches, on the other hand, give us the sense of small bodies, and again, humanity as a whole tends to feel women should be smaller than men. Therefore, when a guy talks, he hears his voice boom through his skull like a subwoofer in the back of a beat up Bonneville. Women's voices are high and feminine in their own ears, and all is well in the world.
When we hear it through a recording, we realize how far off our real voice is from the sexy ideal and can nervously feel our reproductive organs start to shrivel away with every word.
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When in doubt, try replacing reduced pitch with added volume.
And while we're on the subject of technology ruining our self-image ...
4Why Do You Always Look Weird in Photos?
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If there's one thing more unsettling than hearing a recording of your voice, it's seeing a photo of your friends, noticing an eerily familiar-looking creeper in the upper corner, and realizing, "Holy crap, that freakish alien pod person is me!" You can recognize the image, and it's you, all right. But it's clearly not the you that you're so accustomed to seeing in mirrors, windows, and momentarily darkened computer screens while RedTube is loading. Everything is just ... off, somehow.
Like how, unlike your typical reflection, photos may occasionally depict you fully clothed.
Good news! You aren't crazy -- looking different in photographs is totally normal, for a whole bunch of reasons.
First of all, every single image we usually see of ourselves is a reflection. And we forget that a mirror image is actually reversed (in fact, the flipped version is the self-image you get used to and grow to like the most). When someone busts out an actual picture of you, you suddenly see your features "reversed" the right way around and, because faces are fairly asymmetrical, your brain freaks out. "That must be the evil version of me from another dimension! I must find it and slay it!"
"Or, you know, whatever."
The other reason cameras (both photographic and video) give us a "weird" version of us is that human eyes and camera lenses work differently. This is another thing that's easy to forget -- there is no objective way that any thing looks. It all comes down to how the eye or machine viewing it processes the reflected light. You look weird through a camera lens, but you'd find that you'd look even weirder if you could, for instance, see yourself through your cat's eyes. It's more than beauty that's in the eye of the beholder -- it's everything.
And not only does a camera work differently from your eye, but one camera works differently from another. Telephoto lenses, for example, shorten the distance between photographer and subject. Inanimate objects suffer little from this, but a person might change drastically as the lens shrinks the distance from their nose to their ears, resulting in more balanced features. Other types of lenses can have the opposite effect -- making you look fatter or wider, for example. Even the appearance of height can be widely manipulated simply by the type of lens used to take the picture. And then there's lighting, which can fuck up the most skillfully taken picture something awful.
Thanks a lot, Nikon.
Add it all up, and you might wind up looking better or worse in the picture than you really do. And it is utterly impossible to ever know which it is, because every view of you is subjective, and none can logically be called the "real" you. Sit back and think about that for a while.