5 New Methods for Losing Weight You Won't Believe Are Legal

#2. Assaulting Your Stomach

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One way to combat the tyranny of the stomach is to shove a balloon or two down your throat so that it tricks your body into believing it's always full. That's why heroin smugglers are so incredibly sexy. If you desire that fashionable drug mule look, invest in the ReShape Duo: two bubbles inflated with water that sit in your stomach for six months, drastically reducing the number of doughnuts you can shove down there before your body cries out in anguish.

ReShape Medical
To save space, you may want to drink the Bavarian cream by itself.

And there are other ways to thwart your all-consuming voraciousness. For example, one reason you get hungry again only a few hours after your last meal is that the stomach has already dumped that food down into your intestinal tract and sent it off on a magical journey that ends, as they all do, in poop. That's why you need a stomach plug like the TransPyloric Shuttle, which acts like a bouncer at the entrance to your intestines, reducing the torrent of food ceaselessly cascading toward your butthole, thus keeping you sated for longer.

Via Jerome Dargent
Congrats. Your stomach is now a toilet tank.

And if all else fails, there's always the AspireAssist Aspiration Therapy System. This is a surgical procedure invented by the visionaries who gave us the Segway, which probably explains why it's so objectively terrible. The AAATS is a tube directly between your stomach and a "skin port" that has been installed in your abdomen like a Cronenbergian nightmare. After eating a nice, normal meal with friends, you simply excuse yourself to the bathroom, attach a tube to the skin port, and empty the contents of your stomach into the toilet. Then burn any residual calories by violently weeping at what humanity has become.

#1. Big Brother for Your Eating Habits

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If all of the previous blitzkriegs against your body fail, you can always opt for the Tantalus II System from Vanderbilt Medical Center, which electrocutes your rebellious gut into submission. The Tantalus is like a pacemaker for the stomach, except instead of preventing heart attacks, it provides "programmed electrical stimulation" via an "Implantable Pulse Generator (IPG)" that senses "Gastric Contractility Modulation (GCM)." Here's a tip: If it reads like somebody spent 20 hours lost in a thesaurus trying to avoid telling you what something does, what it does is probably a bit disturbing.

MetaCure, via Medgadget

There are different types of these devices, but for the most part, they work the same way. Each includes a sensor to tell it when your stomach revs up, meaning a meal has started. It then short-circuits the process by sending the "OK, done here" signal to your brain. Meals can only be consumed within a predetermined window of time -- if a patient ventures out to snack, the device detects the infringement and, we don't know, sends out the Dorito Enforcers to throw you in the Celery Gulag or something. But it doesn't end there. Some of the devices have the ability to actually record and upload your meal data so that your physician can view it and know exactly how disappointed to be with you at your next appointment. One device, Abiliti, even allows you to join a social network with all of your self-hating cyborg friends, who can virtually chastise you whenever you break ranks and give in to the cheap desires of the meatspace.

Thinkstock/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"The Meatspace" of course being that burger place downtown that keeps nacho cheese in the soda fountain.

You can now sync your bowels with social media. There is no such thing as satire anymore; there is only terrible prophecy.

Special thanks to Sivan Tzidon for her assistance in researching this article.

Related Reading: For a look at the insane realities behind those crazy infomercial ads you see on late-night TV, click here. If you prefer your weight-loss tips delivered by cynical bastards, Cracked can also help. Rather have the very worst diet fads in history at your fingertips? We can help.

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