#2. Pokemon Features Way More Murder Than You Think
Yes, we realize the game is about an unsupervised school-age boy kidnapping vicious monsters and training them for battle against other vicious monsters. He keeps doing this until he has captured each and every Pokemon and is crowned King of All Monster Kidnappers (or Pokemon Master, if you prefer the technical jargon).
Konstantin von Wedelstaedt
"Pokemeister," in their native land of Germany.
But there's a reason they're allowed to sell the game to kids -- it's all toned down to remove the murder. When two Pokemon engage in a sanctioned battle, it's the safest thing in the world -- they fight until one of them faints, at which point they're rushed off to a Pokemon hospital for quick recuperation. So it's really just a sport. Sure, it's more like dog fighting than kickboxing, but at least it's bloodless.
The Disturbing Implication
Wait a second. What about those times when you're wandering around and a wild Pokemon picks a fight? If you win, the Pokemon faints, a clear sign that it needs medical attention. If you don't capture it right then and there, you're basically stranding it in the wild, leaving it to die.
Luckily, nobody loved him anyway.
And you do this over and over again. Remember, Pokemon is an RPG with tons of random battles, all against other Pokemon. In the course of a game, you'll probably battle thousands of these annoying critters, and all but a hundred or so will end up abandoned, unconscious, and slowly dying, with nothing and no one around to save its life. All because of you, you heartless douchebag monster wrangler.
On the other hand, you're at least keeping other wild Pokemon well-fed. As has been shown on many an occasion, Pokemon can and will eat other Pokemon. If they come across a tasty-looking morsel lying dead on the ground, it's dinner time; if the Pokemon's simply unconscious, it's fair game, too. After all, what better way to guarantee freshness than to swallow something alive and wriggling?
#1. Your Entire Race Accidentally Kills Itself in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
The Legend of Zelda storyline is more than a little confusing, what with all the prequels and retcons we've put up with over the years because somebody at Nintendo thinks Zelda III wouldn't sell. On the plus side, the games are amazing, especially ones like Ocarina of Time, which gives us a pre-pigman glimpse of Gandondorf and an introduction to Link's people: the Kokiri, a bunch of immortal childlike elves who are lucky they're immortal, because they're also weak and useless.
Kokiri Clan somethin' to fuck wit'.
Well, it turns out Link isn't actually a Kokiri, but an orphaned Hylian that the Kokiri took in and raised as their own. This would explain Link's non-uselessness, and also why he can leave the forest without immediately perishing. Which would apparently be a thing if you're a Kokiri.
Yep, the price of Kokiri immortality is that they must stay within the trees, for if they don't, they're done. That's kind of a bum deal, because the forest is honestly the most boring-ass part of the game. So you leave, a whole bunch of stuff happens, you defeat Ganondorf, you save Zelda, and every NPC the game has to offer joins you for a celebratory block party.
A rave so awesome that it got its own end credits.
The Disturbing Implication
This "everyone" includes the Kokiri, who, if you'll recall from about 50 words ago, die if they leave the forest. This is not some cutesy way of saying "the big bad world will hurt us because we kinda suck at life." No, it's a literal death, one that they knowingly embraced by choosing to attend this party that is outside the forest.
Think about it: The Kokiri never show up again after that. Ever. Every other race does -- if you're jonesing for Gorons, Zoras, Hylians, and Gerudos, this series is your Dr. Feelgood -- but the Kokiri appear to be extinct. The closest any sequel gets are the Koroks, who are less Keebler Elf ripoffs and more walking slugs in leaf masks.
Every day is Halloween in Korokville, even though they are terrible at it.
And that's just one timeline; the Zelda series is split into three alternate universes, to get around the fact that a drunk could tell a more coherent tale. In the other two universes, every race is present, except for the Kokiri. Not after they are seen at the party, outside the forest that keeps them alive.
Yep, we believe it's all because they didn't listen to their own prophecy and self-genocided themselves as a result. If Darwin Awards exist in the Zelda-verse, these guys would win all of them.
For more from Adam, you can visit his website or follow him on Twitter. If you want him to write some words for you, you can also email him at email@example.com. Menezes is a writer and layout editor here at Cracked. He broke down and made a Twitter page just for his Cracked fans.
Related Reading: Speaking of horrifying implications, did you know Star Trek's Federation was a lawless anarchy? You might also be shocked to learn Tim Allen's The Santa Clause is a prelude to inevitable patricide. If you thought all this was bad, the mind-bending awfulness of the Harry Potter universe might just shatter your world.