5 Creepy Creatures We Wish Science Hadn't Just Discovered

#2. A Worm With a Squid for a Head

National Geographic

The deep sea is made almost entirely out of wrong. It seems everything that lives more than a few thousand feet below the water's placid surface was concocted by the maddest of the old gods on his worst day. For example, this little miracle, which takes the worst and most repulsive features of both worms and squids and concocts something even more heinous than the sum of its already quite heinous parts.

Discovered over a mile under the surface of the Celebes Sea between Indonesia and the Philippines, this 4-inch cutie is technically known as Teuthidodrilus samae, but its friends call it the squidworm. If it had any. Which it obviously doesn't.

Seriously, look at that goddamned face. Why are there tentacles coming out of it, why are those tentacles as long as its actual body, and why are some of them curly? The answer to all of those questions is, of course, a faint, high-pitched scream.

Royal Society Publishing
Apparently one of the Great Old Ones took a selfie.

Well, almost.

Those face-tentacles actually serve a real purpose beyond ensuring that you never eat calamari again. Namely, helping the worm to breathe -- with an extra few tentacles reserved for eating delicious marine snow, which generally consists of "fecal material, dead animals, [and] cast off mucus."

Oh, and there are also six pairs of feathers buried in that hot mess that serve as its nose for reasons God forgot just as soon as the glue-high wore off. Scientists noted that squidworms have both "seabed-dwelling and free-swimming characteristics," meaning they inhabit the ill-defined space between the sea floor and the surface. A sort of oceanic purgatory, if you will. This suggests that the squidworm may be a transitional species, evolving as we speak toward securing a more permanent ecological niche, whatever that may be.

We're going to go ahead and assume it's your soul.

Aquaria-info.ru
Satan, during his brief stint as a candy raver.

#1. A Wasp With Jaws That Can Wrap Around Its Head

Eco-noticias.com

Meet Megalara garuda, a species of wasp discovered in 2011 around the Indonesian island of Sulawesi. It's dubbed the "Komodo dragon of wasps," and in case you couldn't figure out why from the close-up pic, perhaps this will help:

Funnyjunk.com
Didn't this thing kill us in a Fallout game at some point?

Pants shat yet? M. garuda is around 2.5 inches long, which you'll recognize as 2.5 inches longer than any wasp should be. Also, it's venomous, like all of God's favorite children. But sheer size and a bit of venom isn't the impressive bit. No, it's those jaws that make it stand out in the crowd ... and then cause that entire crowd to run screaming into their basements and stay there forever.

Those jaws aren't a trick of forced perspective -- they're longer than the wasp's front legs, they're bigger than its entire face, and they can wrap around its head when the mouth is closed.

Kathy Keatley Garvey
It's the wasp that pushes other wasps around at the gym.

So what do those jaws do exactly, besides make grown men weep like children? No one knows for sure, because Jesus still sort of loves us, and researchers have yet to find a living specimen. However, there are a few theories: They could be used for defense, guarding larvae, or even grasping unwilling females during copulation. Isn't that nice?

They're rape-fangs.

Discovery.com
Not that the females who bury their prey alive are much less terrifying, though.


E. Reid Ross is a columnist at Man Cave Daily and mangles comics with friends at RealToyGun.com. Ross is also the proud father of a brand new baby Twitter account that you can coo at here.

Related Reading: For more terrifying recent species we've discovered, click here. You'll learn about spiders that build webs large enough to trap MEN. Have you been struggling with the aching suspicion that it's just TOO easy to sleep at night? One look at the Goblin shark should turn that around. Last, chill out and read about the most hilarious drug addicts of the animal kingdom.

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