#2. Student Arrested for Smelling Funny
Sarah Bustamantes "smells bad." That's what the kids would have you believe. In reality, she probably smells just fine, and what the kids are really trying to say is "My crippling social anxiety is manifesting as external attacks on others in an attempt to divert negative attention from my own shortcomings." But "smells bad" is a much catchier chant.
During one such refrain, Sarah decided on the most incorrect course of action one can choose in literally any situation: She listened to the negative feedback. They said she stunk, so she applied some perfume.
An interesting choice, but we would've gone with the ol' Rubber/Glue Reversal.
Now, that's already a pretty crummy day -- being publicly mocked so badly that you have to take corrective actions -- but Sarah's afternoon was about to get a whole lot worse. See, instead of congratulating her on her excellent smell-correction skills and asking her to be queen of the sock hop, the assholes that were calling her names -- shockingly -- kept right on calling her names. They now said her perfume stank.
Finally, Sarah's teacher had enough and called the police.
"Also send in a containment team, in case of cooties."
Fulmore Middle School had Sarah arrested under charges of disrupting the classroom and slapped her with a criminal misdemeanor. That's right: She had to go to court for the crimes of "being mocked" and "wearing perfume." Jesus, is this an entire town populated solely by 1980s movie bullies?
Hopefully the judge let her off with two atomic wedgies and some community service.
#1. Mom Arrested for Letting Children Play Outside
Texas mother Tammy Cooper is a pretty traditional parent: She believes that a good scooter ride outdoors is worth 10 PokeWars inside. So she did what more parents should and booted her lazy kids out to try to figure out how human beings entertain themselves this side of an iPad. To make sure they weren't squirreling away a smartphone somewhere and Angry Birding instead of playing red rover, Tammy parked herself on the lawn to watch them.
An hour later, she was under arrest for child abandonment.
"... and don't think we didn't notice you neglecting that dog, too."
Tammy's neighbors, baffled by this monstrous she-beast who could so heartlessly let her own children bake under that merciless and cruel sky-orb, called the police on a mother for letting her kids play outside. Remember: She was watching them on the lawn the whole time. That's roughly 100 percent more attention than we got when we were booted out of the house so mom and dad could have some bone-time. The only adult who supervised us outside was that weird hobo who was always trying to lure us into the bushes (nice try, Raggedy Jack, but where would a Nintendo even plug in back there?).
Police rushed to the scene to rescue those poor children from having to learn the rules of freeze tag, and Tammy Cooper was put in jail. Luckily, she only donned the orange jumpsuit for a measly 18 hours. Nearly a full day, we should note, where she actually was forced to abandon her children.
Careful -- "promotion of whimsy" can get you shanked in the yard.
We should also mention at this point -- just in case you're having visions of a sinister old lady laughing as she forces children to race scooters back and forth across a busy expressway -- Tammy and her children lived in a cul-de-sac: the safety scissors of the road world.
Related Reading: If you think parents narcing on their kids are bad, check out these wildly irresponsible homemade costumes. Speaking of irresponsible, did you know the inventor of vaccines deliberately gave smallpox to his son? At least that guy risked his kid to benefit mankind, these parents sold their child's NAME for filthy cash.