#2. Father Winds Up Sharing a Prison Cell with His Son for 15 Years
Bernard Peterson didn't have any special genius or talents to pass onto his son Scott, but in some ways the two share a closer bond than anyone else on this list. And by that we mean that after a career in crime together, Scott and Bernard Peters have been sharing a prison cell for 15 straight years. This was after the two teamed up for a string of robberies that ended with them shooting a 61-year-old Salvation Army employee in the leg over $726 and getting fucking arrested.
They grow up so fast.
Both men were given 25 to 50 years in prison, the maximum allowable sentence for a crime spree that netted them a total of $2,900. That's two generations in jail for a sizeable downpayment on a mid-tier luxury sedan, or (more likely) all of the crystal meth in the county. Initially, Bernard and Scott had thought they were never going to see each other again, but when they found themselves incarcerated in the same maximum security facility, Bernard wrote a letter to the warden asking if he and his son could bunk together. The warden read the letter, stroking his mustache contemplatively (we assume all prison wardens look like Tommy Lee Jones in Natural Born Killers), and granted the request.
"This will be the perfect gift after I chip it into a shiv!"
Fifteen years in prison have given the two men time to bond in ways that their adventures together as freewheeling bandits never could have, sharing a cell the size of a Taco Bell restroom almost every single night since Twister came out in theaters. Scott, for one, views their joint incarceration as somewhat of a blessing, because it allows him to keep a close eye on his aging father's health, which apparently wouldn't have been possible unless they were locked up together in a maximum security broom closet and forced to stare at each other for three presidential administrations.
Brandon and Scott become eligible for parole in 2020, so they still have a few more years left to perfect their duet of "Cat's in the Cradle" and sweep the annual prison talent show.
#1. 'Eagle Dad' Turns His Son into an Indestructible Warrior for No Reason
Subjecting your child to grueling, torturous conditioning in order to achieve athletic or academic success is behavior we generally regard as douchetastic but unsurprising. Father of the Year candidate He Lieshing, however, decided to take it a step further -- he is putting his son, Duoduo, through brutally demanding mental and physical training for absolutely no reason whatsoever, other than simply to mold Duoduo into the hardest bastard that has ever lived. Well, that's fine, we suppose -- who doesn't want their kid to be a badass? Wait, did we mention Duoduo is 4 years old?
"Unfiltered Camels and a .44 magnum? Your dad packs the best lunches!"
Yes, Lieshing has filmed his implicitly trusting and thoroughly defenseless toddler son jogging and doing push-ups in the snow wearing nothing but a pair of briefs, manning a one-person dinghy with precisely zero assistance, and climbing 11,000 feet up Japan's Mount Fuji, where the two became stranded and had to be rescued by park rangers because Lieshing didn't have the foresight to bring enough rations to account for the fact that every climbing shelter along the summit was closed for the season. However, he did comment on Mount Fuji's dispiriting lack of stairs, which seems to indicate that he doesn't fully understand how mountains work.
"Can I still do the arms thing if I took the escalator?"
Lieshing insists his parenting choices come from a Chinese proverb about eagles pushing their young from the nest to teach them how to fly, earning him the nickname "Eagle Dad." He immediately latched on to the image and is trying to publish a book based on his expertise, citing Duoduo's premature birth and early battles with pneumonia and jaundice as the inspiration for his unorthodox parenting. Lieshing doesn't seem to realize that if Duoduo should fall, freeze to death, have a heart attack, or drown because of his "Eagle Dad" bullshit, he will be going straight to jail, because a man raising a child and eagles teaching each other how to fly are not exactly the same thing.
Related Reading: Of COURSE we have more stories of crazy parenting- just click this link. And prepared to get really, really annoyed whenever you hear the term 'Indigo children'. Parents get even crazier: as proof, we present Baby Juggling. Round out your course in ruining children with this shopping list for violently unfit parents.