6 Progressive Parenting Fads You Won't Believe Are Legal
There are only three kinds of parents in the world: good ones, bad ones and ones who put their kids on leashes. Usually, the bad ones are far too busy hitting the crack pipe to mess with the edification and development of their progeny. Not in these cases. Below are six ways well-meaning people can nearly kill their children, without even the benefit of a little bump of meth.
#6. Suspended Baby Cages
We know what you're thinking: it's just a playpen with a lid, and what's so horrific about that? Even the best mother can't hover over a toddling baby 24/7, so putting a baby in a safe place, even if it kind of looks like a cage, at least keeps him away from the machete drawer.
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Or the happy magic juice.
It's at this point that we should probably clarify what we're talking about here. It's not that the contraption was merely a cage, even though we do want to go on the record as being anti-putting-babies-in-wire-cages. It's that this particular cage was not on the ground. It was suspended out of a window, like so:
elationcreations
The only time your child will be in danger of low-flying aircraft.
Have you ever looked up at an AC unit precariously perched on the edge of a fourth-story window and wondered if that thing would work as a baby holder? No? Huh.
In the 1930s, London mothers had a problem. Unlike country babies, city babies didn't have acres of rambling estates to crawl around. Fortunately, some idiot in America patented the perfect solution for air-starved infants -- a baby kennel that hung out the window. Mini-humans with a hankerin' for fresh air could just crawl right out the window into their totally safe cages.
britishpathe
"Oh dear, little Kierkegaard has been reading about nihilism again."
The best part is that the mother doesn't scream in horror as her child totters out an open window, or that she never realizes she's trained her baby to totter out open windows. The other best part is how the patent specifies the mom can lock the cage from the interior of the house, just in case the baby really wants to get back inside but hasn't been aired out enough yet. The patent also specifies that the cage has a solid lid, so the little tyke won't get wet in the "snow and rain."
life.com
It's OK to dangle your child high above the street ... as long as he doesn't get wet.
Fresh air was a fucking huge commodity back then, apparently.
#5. Baby Juggling (aka Baby Yoga)
Don't you hate how your newborn infant just lays around, all immobile and way too easy to kill? Look at it. It's practically begging predators or a strong wind to put mild pressure on a few choice spots and turn your future meal ticket into just a meal.
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"Got your nose! OH GOD IT'S COME RIGHT OFF."
According to baby yoga instructor Lena Fokina, the problem isn't that evolution has rendered us as helpless as a lump of used up Kleenex when we're born; it's that we're not hating our baby's weaknesses enough. You need to be teaching that infant mobility, freedom and independence, and also how to survive in a world filled with windmills, tornadoes and batshit yoga instructors.
Here's a video where you can learn exactly how stupid you've been, treating your infant like it's some kind of tiny bag of meat-glass. Warning: Don't watch this video. Just fucking don't.
boobootv
Do you know how many times we had to watch this to get screenshots? A whole bunch.
Yes, that is a real baby, and no, swinging a newborn child around like a flaming lasso is not a good idea, no matter how wide your yoga gauchos are or how mystic the writing on your orange sweatpants looks. Yet somebody handed over their tiny, days-old babies to this horrible woman to swing, presumably because they couldn't face the shame of straight up killing their children themselves. And just so we're very, very clear, Lena Fokina isn't doing the playful swing-around we all loved as sturdy, not-just-born-and-totally-able-to-hold-our-necks-upright-children:
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Originally used by the Vikings as a way to train for the hammer throw.
Not at all. She's single-handedly swinging those naked newborns by the ankle in what appears to be a rock garden. The only way this lady could make the situation more deadly would be if there were a Crips and Bloods gang war going on all around her. But even then, someone would probably rush that baby to safety before commencing with the killing. No one would remove Lena, though. She's fine where she is.
boobootv
The baby was fine by the way. Us, not so much.
#4. Male Breast-Feeding
For years now, women have been jabbering about getting their equal share of things. Votes, jobs, sandwiches, syphilis ... nothing is left untouched by power-hungry feminists. So it's no surprise that men have started asking for their slices of traditional woman pie as well. Including providing sustenance to baby humans with their man teats.
bambino.si
The baby is clearly terrified of that shirt. So are we.
The Milk Men are a group of guys who say that with a little patience, men can make man milk come out of their boobies, or moobies. All the parts are there -- mammary tissue, milk ducts and the milk-producing hormones oxytocin and prolactin. All it takes to get started is a lack of humility and the willpower and diligence to get the milk flowing. A few minutes of letting a breast pump tug at your nipples doesn't hurt, either. If you're NOT AT WORK and DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR EYES, you can watch the video below to get a little taste of what male nursing looks like:
We're not sure why there was a naked lady in a red tub, either, so don't ask.
Apparently, just the act of suckling triggers the hormones that make milk. In fact, there's one African tribe where it's the men who nurse the babies and the women who bring home the bacon, thereby earning the nickname "Best Dads in the World." Take that, Dr. Huxtable! You never even once nursed your children on your bosom! Never. Even. Once.
ozzygrrrl
The best dad in the world. We're nauseous with pride.
Anyone who swings an infant around like a toy in a rock garden needs to be beaten with a f*****g cane.
ReplyIt's one thing to provide your child with gender-neutral toys, or toys intended for both sexes. It's something completely different to force your child into hiding one of the absolute most basic things about themselves. I wonder if that baby is intersex, but then it's really none of my damn business.
Replyf*****g thank you. There's a huge gulf of difference in letting your child choose what roles they wish to embody, and forcing androgyny on them. If your kid is straying outside society's current boundaries and being mocked for it, do something about the fuckers mocking, not the kid.
i think this is because of feminism..... it has screwed our society to the core.... get this s**t off my internet
ReplyI would like to point out that the whole 'genderless' thing has been done before. And it resulted in the boy (yes, that's what he was) killing himself before he reached 13.
ReplyWasn't that the case of the boy whose penis had to be removed after a circumcision accident, rather than simply stupid parents?
People who swing their babies around for "yoga" need to be slapped! That's awful!
ReplyI really like the name Storm but this kid is going to be so confused their kid Jazz is already have problems.when he gets into high school he will be constantly bullied, I hope these parents have the money for the therapy bills.
ReplyOh, and the placenta thing... that just sounds like an infection waiting to happen. But whatever, do what you want with your kid. heck, keep the placenta in you so you can be permanently attached to them forever.
ReplyI'm morbid but a man breastfeeding is creepy; men were not made for this.
ReplyI don't think you understand the word 'morbid'.
I don't see the harm in a few of these. We are all so negative anymore and just can't seem to let people go on with their lives without us sticking in our gosh darn noses.
ReplySo basically this article is about mocking an unrelated mixture of child rearing practices, ranging from the historical to the progressive, and from the harmless to the negligent, with literally nothing connecting them to each other. Or to the title, for that matter. So basically it boils down to "let's do an article about how strange things disgust and enrage us as much as child abuse, and justify it later!"
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesNot my favorite article.
As long as the child is in no danger (the whole cage thing is just crazy, but I don't see how it's progressive and I've seen parents drop their children by simply holding them in their arms let alone fling them around like a freaking baton) then who cares. Heck, the parent should be allowed to raise their kids by allowing them to chose their gender etc... but you can't get pissed of at Michale Jackson for dangling his baby over a balcony or Steve Irwin for using his child as alligator bait and then state that putting your kid in a dangerous (no way in hell is that cage ever going to be secure enough even if it's attached to the house by its foundation) dangling cage or turn your baby in to wrinkly skin nunchuks.
@thegreasefire
no parents shouldnt be allowed to let their children choose their gender, because its not their choice, they have one(well most of the time, there are exception, and im talkibng genetics, not that psychological bullshit) , thats it. The only thing its gonna cause is confuse the child and leave him with trauma or false illusions that everything is his choice. which is not how life works. im a strong believer in Tabula Rasa, and that how you raise a child has the most impact on his life, which is why i think most of the ''progressive'' bullshit is bad, and that our generation was turned completely lazy and dellusional by this already. (but this is another debate all together)
@KevinFilion
Fox News called, they're missing their crazy. It's not the 'psychological bullshit' that's the issue, it's the neurological stuff. The brain is extremely complex, for whatever reason some people seem to be wired as gay or bisexual. Letting boys play with dolls or nail polish won't turn them gay or cause them to grow into lazy closed minded assholes. Any actual parent can tell you that kids DO experiment with their gender identity, as this the first step in their life to understanding sexuality as a whole. I dare you to call any counselling service in your area and ask them if you should be worried if your five-year-old wants to play Barbie or pretends to be Princess Leia.
Why not hold the baby over the litter box? The cat can just come along and cover it up for them?
ReplyAnd let's suppose Storm is a girl. What if she wants to be a really, REALLY girly-girl. (I was, and NOT because of any pushing by my parent, I just was). Will they be okay with that? I mean, I played with "boy stuff" too, but I was always really girly at heart. That was just me.
In Russia, Yoga does you. Also, that lady should be thrown in the gorilla pit at the zoo and have that done to her by a giant silverback
ReplyEverything on this list is stupid, except the male breast feeding. I don't see anything wrong with it. Some people do it because they have to (single parent, wife has to work, etc). AFAIK it has no danger for anyone's health.
ReplyExactly. The only danger is that someone may break a taboo, and heaven forbid anyone do that! Death to them!
you are retarded for thinking it doesnt hurt anybody, #2 especially will most likely leaving the child very confuse and maybe even traumatized, growing up. i dont think everybody understand how you raise a child will affect him later on. sorry but the main reason to reproduce is to have someone take our place has a productive member of society. and f*****g up your child isnt part of this.
If the cost of diapers is such an issue, use the cloth ones our grandmas did. They survived and Great Grandma didn't even have a washing machine.
Replythey cost more plus the cost of extra washing which also means buying more detergent.
in the end it's not that much cheaper.
What's wrong with male breat feeding? It actually could become a useful skill if the father was raising the child by himself or the mother is on the road a lot.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI don't want to live on this planet anymore....
Well, technically there's nothing WRONG with it. But what's the point? (Besides, who wants all that hair in your milk?)
Well, do you really think a baby would want to come out of a hairy vagina if they had the choice or even knew better? If the baby has no issue with sucking on his/her dad's nipple any more than sucking on their mother's nipple (in the end, the woman's breast is what's considered sexual and cannot be shown in public for some idiotic reason) then why should anyone give a shit.
The Elimination Communication method comes from India and China. It is not hard at all, most parents already can tell when their babies are going to go (grunts, so many minutes after eating etc). Although in other countries babies literally go around without any pants on at all. You just can't let kids do this in the US which makes it a hard method to use.
ReplyFunny how at least 50% of the comments are debating/ridiculing the idea of not telling people your baby's sex, but no one seems to care about the chick swinging the baby around like a windmill or people who like to leave the placenta attached so it can get infected. Really?
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesEveryone agrees those are insane, the problem in the comments is that some actually support raising a child androgynously.
The problem with raising a child without a gender is, what exactly? I think being raised to be female in a sexist world was way more damaging then if I had been raised without a gender.
Brooke, it would open up a whole mess of confusion that will proabably take decades of therapy to overcome. Secondly, if you think a women are so oppressed, lets see what happens to an ACTUAL minority (which androgynous children will probably always be).
I wish I could have been raised androgynously. I am male. I was raised as a girl, however, and I'm sure you can guess how that went. I think it's best to let a child establish its own gender identity and presentation. I'm sure when it is able to talk and socialize it will be allowed to decide.
Brooke. Your post is stupid. No matter how long mommy and daddy tell you you don't have a gender, once you get tits, everyone knows that your a chick.
Storm is aware of his/her own gender as is the rest of the family, it is just the rest of the world that doesn't get to know.
The parents in #2 are probably the coolest parents in the f*****g world when it comes to baby-naming. While retarded celebrities are giving their kids retarded names like "Prince" and "Apple", these kids are getting named after characters from X-Men and Transformers. Damn, how am I supposed to compete with that? By naming my own kids "Number Five" and "Darth Awesome"?
ReplyOr you can name your kids something normal so they won't grow up to be raging douchebags.
Am I the only one who thinks that the parents in #2 are doing a REALLY bad job at keeping their baby's gender a secret? That's clearly a boy.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesAlso, "Storm" was their first idea for an androgynous name? Alex, Dana, Dylan, Reagan...none of these occurred to you, you stupid hippy freaks?
Alex: male, unless it's short for Alexandria
Dana: female, unless your last name is Carvey
Dylan: male
Reagan: last name reserved for members of the Reagan family.
So not only are they all fairly unsuitable, but none of them are anywhere near as badass as Storm or Jazz.
OK PEOPLE, NEWSFLASH. ACCORDING TO G-MAX, Y'ALL CAN'T NAME YOUR KIDS REAGAN. ITS *TOTALLY* RESERVED.
lol gmax
stupid hippy freak detected
@G-Max
My sister's full first name is Alex
I've hear of male Danas. it's rare, but i've heard.
I know a few female dylans. that's not even that uncommon.
Reagan...lol what? you can't...you can't really reserve a name.
#2 bothers me
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesWhy do they feel the need to hide the childs sex? According to liberal psychology logic sex has nothing to do with gender, so it doesn't matter if people know the childs sex or not
Unfortunately, children are usually taught that sex = gender. So keeping it quiet from other people until the child knows what its gender is and how it wants to present seems like the best option.
I'm pretty sure that sex does equal gender. How your sexually orientated is a different matter....
Your sex is your biology. Your gender is how you and your society identify you.