As we've previously discussed, like, a lot, movies are incredibly unrealistic when it comes to portraying everyday people defending themselves against crime. After all, when you look at real-life stories of self-defense, you realize their depictions are far, far too tame.
#6. Father and Son Go Full-on Bruce Lee on a Gang
China is kind of screwed up when it comes to eviction methods: When a landlord wants you out, they'll think nothing of providing notice in the form of boxes full of live scorpions dumped into your window.
"One tenant called it the second worst little prick she's woken up to."
So put yourself in the shoes of 38-year-old Shen Jianzhong, who -- along with the rest of his village -- was given an ultimatum to leave his home or there'd be trouble. Eventually 70 of the 100 families in Shen's village gave in and moved, and with so few holdouts the threats only escalated. A gang of men mysteriously appeared and began harassing and beating people in the street. One day when Shen's wife went out to buy some instant noodles, a gang of "30 to 50 men" blocked her way out of the house and shoved her down, which understandably pissed Shen off.
We should mention at this point that Shen was a devoted kung fu fan, because if you're going to live up to Asian stereotypes, live up to them all.
World Record Association
Pictured here trying to fill "love robots" stereotype by apparently turning into a motorcycle.
Shen and his son transformed into a tornado of kung fu moves that presumably had names like the Thundering Hammer of Unconsciousness and the Flaming Tiger Claw of Holy Shit That Hurts, knocking the ever-loving crap out of several of the thugs and scaring the ever-loving crap out of the rest. Unfortunately nobody thought to fire up a video camera during the fight itself, but you can see the aftermath in this video, which shows Shen calmly sitting in front of his house, surrounded by comatose heaps that used to be his attackers while their as-yet-unsmacked-down friends shout useless threats at him (maintaining a minimum distance of 10 feet at all times).
"You just gonna stand there, or you gonna help me sweep these bodies out of my house?"
A few minutes later the police showed up and ... promptly urged Shen to sign the shit out of the papers his landlord had sent, warning him that he could be arrested for assault. Wow, that's the depressing epilogue kung fu movies never show. Then again, maybe they only threatened to arrest him so they could film him beating up an entire prison block and market it to the Western world, because we'd gladly pay the 3-D upcharge for that.
#5. Attack of the Chili Fist
Saadat Khan was cleaning up his shop, hopefully while whistling a jaunty tune (because that really ties together the whole image we're going for), when a guy walked in and shoved a gun against his head. Unfortunately for this criminal, Khan was no stranger to robberies, and the amount of fucks he didn't give at that moment in time was so staggering that NASA scientists are still calculating their mass.
"Do we have a brilliant, street-tough janitor who can take a look at this?"
The criminal screamed in Khan's face and demanded he empty the store's register, swearing to God that he'd kill him dead, like, so hard. Khan, showing only slight annoyance at the possibility of having his brains aerated, carefully explained: "You're swearing to God, and you have a gun in your hand. It doesn't make any sense to me. If you believe in God, you shouldn't be holding a gun at my face, so you better leave."
The criminal, who we should stress, had a fucking gun, wasn't fazed by this, because A) Khan was a 49-year-old Indian man who probably weighed 100 pounds soaking wet, and B) He had a fucking gun.
Possibly a blunderbuss.
Upon coming to the conclusion that the robber wasn't going to leave, even despite his bitchin' speech, Khan strolled to the counter and grabbed a handful of chili powder -- which you'll note is absolutely not money -- threw it in the criminal's face and then punched him with a chili-laced fist for good measure. Now if you've ever touched your eyes or, heavens forbid, your wang after handling chili powder, you can just imagine this criminal's immense pain, which was hopefully only compounded by the punch to the face and the resulting shame he felt as he ran bawling while Khan chased him out of the store.
The best part, though, was Khan's reaction, as he claimed that he wasn't a hero, just a guy trying to do his business.
His business being whipping up a curry of pure kickass.
#4. Army Staff Sergeant Stops Bank Robbery Like It Ain't No Thing
Robbing a bank is never as glamorous as it looks in the movies, but, hey, at least in real life you don't have to worry about some muscle-bound action movie hero busting in and slapping your shit to the ground. That is, unless your name is Matthew Rogers and you decide to rob a bank that Eddie Peoples, Army staff sergeant and Iraq war veteran, happens to be visiting.
"Having kids means I can do my weight training anywhere, anytime."
Rogers walked into a Bank of America in Sarasota, Florida, and pulled out a gun -- otherwise known as "strike one" -- and proceeded to wave it around and point it at random people in the bank. Peoples and his two sons initially laughed at Rogers, thinking that the robbery was a joke. But to confirm his seriousness, Rogers then pointed the gun at Peoples and his children -- "strike two." Upon detecting the threat to his kids, Peoples went straight into Papa Bear mode, constructing a barricade around them from some nearby chairs. And then he switched over from fatherly instinct to Army instinct.
Peoples' sons, shown here unable to escape his gravitational pull.
Rogers had the bank tellers fill a grocery bag with money, and on his way out he warned that "the big black guy" shouldn't try to stop him. And if he did, "The kid will get it," Rogers added, gesturing with the gun toward Peoples' sons -- "strike three." Peoples "could not let that pass," or in other words, Rogers' teeth became an endangered species at that precise moment.
His threat delivered, Rogers fled the building and ran to his car. Peoples followed. Before Rogers could speed away, Peoples jumped into his van and blocked him in. Realizing that he was stuck between a rock and a hard place, Rogers decided that the only appropriate course of action was to try and jack the rock's van, an idea that ranks right up there on the stupidity scale with using a toaster as a masturbatory aid. The second Rogers put the gun to Peoples' head, Peoples twisted it right out of his hand (or possibly just twisted the hand right off of the arm, we're not sure) and introduced him to sweet Lady Cement.
As demonstrated here on George Stephanopoulos, who presumably changed his underpants immediately afterward.
Peoples stepped over the puddle formerly known as Matthew Rogers and back into the bank, where his oldest son asked, "Did you get the bad man?"
Peoples' response? "Yep, I got the bad man." To which the bank erupted into applause.
Oh, and in case we haven't driven Rogers' insurmountable level of dumbassness home yet: His gun -- the one he used to rob a bank and then condemn himself to a lifetime of suffering from Twisted Arm Syndrome by sticking it in the face of a massive Army man -- turned out to be a realistic toy.