#3. Madagascar -- What Happened to the Ship's Crew?
In Madagascar, a group of talking animals living comfortable lives in the Central Park Zoo are sent to a nature preserve in Kenya under pressure from animal rights activists, which results in them becoming stranded in the wilderness along with dangerous predators and, even worse, annoying dancing lemurs.
On the boat ride to Kenya, the crew of the ship carrying the animals is overrun by a group of sociopathic penguins, who take over the vessel and set sail toward Antarctica. Amid the confusion, the main characters are washed overboard and drift to Madagascar, where they learn important lessons about friendship and being true to their own nature, etc.
Never store your penguins on the same boat as your weapons cache.
But what we want to focus on is the penguins hijacking the boat. Now, the boat was not piloted by animals (that would have been unrealistic), so taking over meant subduing the humans. The next time we see the penguins (after returning from Antarctica), the humans are nowhere to be found. A penguin quips that the people are "on a slow boat to China."
They Forgot to Mention ...
Pretty much everyone in this movie got a spinoff of some sort, except the ship's crew ... most likely because they're all dead.
"Day 27: Ate the last body four days ago. Have no more urine to drink. There's a rope at the top of the sail ..."
Seriously, the humans were with the penguins when they got to Antarctica, so obviously they set them adrift somewhere between there and Madagascar. Just plopped 'em on a raft and pushed them in China's general direction. In case you're having trouble grasping the distances involved, here's a visual aid to help you:
Via Wikimedia Commons
The blue stuff is what we evolved as a species to escape.
See that small strip of land next to Africa? That's Madagascar. We'll let you find Antarctica and China on your own. Even if the penguins cut the humans loose just off the coast of Madagascar, they're still an entire freakin' ocean away from Asia -- they would have been better off if they'd just dumped them on Antarctica like they apparently did with the other crated animals.
Wait, other crated animals? Yep, this is a huge cargo ship we're talking about -- there had to be at least a couple dozen people working there.
"Eh, screw it. It was mostly just snakes and stuff nobody wants to pet."
On the upside, the stronger ones will have plenty to eat once the others start starving to death as they drift across thousands of miles of open water. The only way they could have survived is if the penguins had let them radio for help before kicking them out, but based on what we know about them, it doesn't seem likely.
#2. Aladdin -- Did the Genie Create an Entire Country for Aladdin to Rule?
This classic Disney flick tells the age-old tale about the boy who wants the hot girl beyond his social stature and finally gets her through perseverance and deception. Also, Robin Williams with reality-warping powers.
When he frees the Genie from his tiny lamp prison, Aladdin gets his share of three magical wishes that can give him anything he wants. Knowing that the princess could never marry him if he was poor because of the law (also because ewww), he makes the Genie turn him into a prince. Princess Jasmine resists him at first, but is eventually charmed by his singing voice and impressive on-the-spot lyric creation.
But it's mostly just Robin Williams with reality-warping powers.
They Forgot to Mention ...
The exact wording of Aladdin's wish to the Genie is "I wish for you to make me a prince" -- not to make him look like a prince, or to make him pass for a prince. He wants to become a full-fledged prince, and that's exactly what the Genie does ... with some disturbing implications.
"Seriously, your next wish will end with me whipping my out dick and showing it to people."
For the wish to come true, the Genie must have made an entire nation spring out of nowhere. Aladdin has to be the prince of something, otherwise he's just a guy in a pimp costume and should ask for his money back. When Jafar asks him where his kingdom is, Aladdin doesn't seem to know, but that doesn't mean the Genie didn't create one. The wish wasn't really fulfilled if there wasn't really a kingdom somewhere.
Further evidence that "Prince Ali" actually does have subjects is this little number:
Aladdin marches into town with a small army of servants, including guards, cooks, dancers, trumpeters -- hell, he's just one float full of colorful cocks short of a pride parade.
No, wait, there they are.
Where did all those people come from? They could be lifeless constructs created by the Genie to give the appearance that Aladdin is a prince, but again, that would be cheating, because that's not what Aladdin asked for. The way we see it, there are only two options here: Either the Genie ripped innocent people off the street and brainwashed them into thinking they'd always been inhabitants of a fictional nation, or he created life out of thin air for the purposes of a musical number. We're not sure which one's more horrifying.
Wait, that means all those things are golems? Monkey golems?
#1. Rio -- How Is One Pair Supposed to Repopulate an Entire Species?
Rio tells the story of Blu, a socially awkward blue macaw so sheltered that he doesn't even know how to fly. One day Blu's owner is approached by a bird expert from Rio de Janeiro, and the film's main dramatic quest is posed: getting Blu laid. Seriously, the whole film revolves around Blu's ability to get some feathery poontang from a fellow blue macaw named Jewel.
And she's all like, "Who will save your soul ... if you won't save your own?"
As it turns out, Blu is the last male member of his species, and this is an attempt to prevent the blue macaws from going extinct. Blu being the last dude on Earth, however, isn't a compelling enough reason for his date, because he's Jesse Eisenberg and she's Anne Hathaway. Eventually Blu mans up and learns to fly, saving the day from vicious bird smugglers and impressing Jewel into spreading her legs for him ... or, you know, however that works.
Later, we see that their mating was successful, meaning that their species is saved ... right?
No bird sex is actually depicted, so you can take this off your Netflix queue.
They Forgot to Mention ...
Nope, they're all doomed anyway. The plot of Rio is actually pretty similar to the real-life story of a blue (or (Spix's) macaw named Presley, who was discovered in Colorado in 2002 and was also taken to Brazil to help save his species with his dong. The end of the story, however, isn't as happy as the DreamWorks version.
For one thing, there was little choreography involved.
Remember how we mentioned that Blu was the last male blue macaw? Yeah, nature simply does not like that. Even if there's more than one female, every new macaw from then on will still be a descendant of the same guy, which will be devastating for their genes. Inbreeding causes serious health problems in the population and has caused species to go extinct in the past -- some types of felines, for example, essentially bred themselves into dead ends. In other words, all that boning was for nothing.
In reality, there are somewhere around 80 blue macaws in the world, and even that appears to be way too few to save them. Most are related to each other, leading to all the problems mentioned above -- so when Presley was discovered in 2002 and found to be genetically diverse, scientists were hopeful that he could help mix up those genes a little. However, Presley's first batch of eggs turned out to be infertile, so his partner was taken away from him and no further attempts to mate him were made.
Scientists make the worst wingmen.
If the scientist in Rio had mentioned that by "saving the species" he meant "producing a few more generations of sick, genetically doomed birds," Blu's owner probably wouldn't have bothered. Sadly, this also means "Let's repopulate the species" is no longer a valid come-on in apocalyptic situation (sorry, everyone).
For more reasons children's movies should come with R ratings, check out 6 Classic Kids Shows Secretly Set in Nightmarish Universes and 9 Traumatizing Moments from Classic Kids Movies.
And stop by LinkSTORM because we're pretty sure it'll make it feel like the weekend again.
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