#3. The Sperm Donor With Over 400 Likely Children
In the late '70s, Kirk Maxey was a pretty bright medical student having a hard time making ends meet. He was also the husband of a fertility clinic nurse who was sick of ramen dinners three nights a week. His wife suggested he start donating sperm to the clinic, both for profit and for fun. And that's the story of how handsome, blond, blue-eyed, educated Kirk Maxey funded his medical research by giving of himself twice a week for 14 years.
The rest of his time was spent in an exhausted stupor.
You'd think that at some point in the decade-plus-four-years of masturbating into a cup twice a week, this doctor who was smart enough to start his own biomedical research company and serve as a consultant to some of the world's biggest pharmaceutical companies would have taken a second to consider the consequences of all this wanking. After all, back in those days, sperm banks weren't keeping good tabs on who was getting what. Years after he'd left his career in professional boner massage, he settled down and began to raise his own traditionally conceived children. Then he sat down to do the math:
"His calculations, rows of long numbers on a yellow sticky note fastened to his computer, show he has donated 172,920,000,000 spermatazoa split into 2,161 vials. Using a 20 percent success rate, that equals 432 births."
"Where do babies come from? Well, son, first you get a vial ..."
And this was after two of his now grown daughters came forward to connect with him. OK, now get this: Maxey made most of these donations at the same clinic in Southeast Michigan. If he really had 432 kids over 14 years, we can imagine there was an average of 30 births a year. This sticky little wicket wasn't lost on the good doctor:
"I have a son that lives in the area and most of the patients came from a 100- or 150-mile radius of the area. If you do math, again, there may be 100 young women that are basically my son's age that are his half-siblings. I have to tell him there is an awful lot of your brothers and sisters that you don't know and I don't know."
That is, there's a great chance he might wind up accidentally dating one of his siblings.
"I don't know what it is, but every time I'm with you, I just have to puke."
Incest opportunities aside, the good news is that Maxey has become a vocal advocate for stricter sperm bank regulation. He's also mapped out his genome online in an attempt to notify and caution his multitude of offspring. He even had himself completely checked out for any possible genetic defects and found zero problems, other than that one gene that drove him to chronically masturbate into specimen jars for 14 years.
#2. The "Bumpaholics"
Some women are just born mothers. Well, not born mothers, because ewww, but you know what we mean. They enjoy pregnancy, love their kids, pop out a few more humans than the rest of us and have extra stretchy bellies under their oversized sweatshirts. Usually they hit a point where enough is enough and they move on. But not the rare pregnancy addicts known as "bumpaholics." These are women who get pregnant for the pleasure of pregnancy, babies be damned.
For nine months nobody can be around her for more than six seconds at a time.
An addiction to pregnancy seems counterintuitive, what with all the morning upchuck, hormonal calamity and general fatness that accompanies it (not to mention that from what we've heard it hurts a bit toward the end). But for some women, that's when they get their kicks. British surrogate mom Jill Hawkins, for example, has had 10 babies ... and kept none. She's just really into leasing her womb, and also the $18,000 she gets for each rugrat she squirts out. But don't think for one second that this is just a savvy lady using her own innards for a profit. Hawkins has been treated for depression, threatened suicide in the past and expressed a desire to be impregnated two more times before she hits the big 5-0. When asked by a reporter as to why she didn't have any children of her own, she responded that, "I never want to keep them. I'm not maternal and very selfish."
Via Daily Mail
"But without being pregnant, I'd never be able to wear this shirt."
And she's not even the big winner of the uterus-for-hire game. Carole Horlock (also of the U.K.) has produced 12 children in 13 years as a surrogate mother, and after delivering triplets in 2008 remarked, "I've never had a problem handing the babies over." Meanwhile, she and her father are no longer on speaking terms because dad is distraught over the whole thing. As he sees it, she's giving all his grandchildren away.
"Well, that and she's really fucking crazy."
#1. The World's Most Open-Minded Family
Long ago, Luiz Costa de Oliveira of Brazil married a young senorita named Francisca. The two immediately started producing offspring at a pace that probably earned him a knowing wink and nod from the neighborhood rabbits. Francisca would tragically pass away before reaching her full potential, but left Luiz with an impressive 17 children.
Luckily, Luiz found love again with a new wife, Maria, and she allowed him to pick up right where he left off. The new marriage would eventually result in a tie with the late Francisca's mark, with Maria also bringing forth 17 new humans. The family brood was now 34, and Maria was clearly going to need a little help with the logistical issues of industrial scale PB&J production and fecal containment. Here's where things went a little nuts.
Her uterus exploded.
Overwhelmed and undersmart, Maria asked her sister Ozelita to the farm to help out. What she didn't count on was Luiz's unrepentant penis pumping, because it wasn't too long before Ozelita came down with a bad case of the pregnants. Fifteen times, all while the three of them were living under the same roof. Maria just couldn't stay mad at Luiz, apparently; the man just loved the ladies, as evidenced in an interview where he proclaimed, "The thing that God made best in the world was woman."
If you've been keeping track, you'll find we're at 49 babies at this point. As amazing as this number is, Luiz surely must have felt some disappointment at coming in just one shy of the half-century mark. Luckily, there was one more eligible female in the house who had yet to swoon for Luiz's girthy charms. As if this scenario wasn't already enough of a Penthouse Forum letter for you, Maria and Ozelia's mother also succumbed to Luiz's grunty temptations and bore him one more child. Yay! Fifty!
That's her there in the blue, looking like she's ready to get to work on number 51 right now.
These days, Luiz is in his 90s and is pretty much retired from carnal canoodling: "I hardly make love anymore these days, even though I'm in good health." Please take note there that he said "hardly" anymore, not "never." An honest man, Luiz admitted that no way in hell could he remember all his children's names, let alone the more than 100 grandchildren and 30 great-grandchildren, not to mention the ones he may have had and never knew anything about: "I could even have other children and not know it because I always liked to go out with women." "Go out with" in this sense meaning "bone relentlessly."
You can contact Meg at email@example.com for any writing opportunities.
For more insane people who shouldn't reproduce, check out 7 Athletes Who Had More Crazy Than Talent and 4 Instructional Videos Made By and For Crazy People.
And stop by LinkSTORM because it's the sane thing to do.
Do you have an idea in mind that would make a great article? Then sign up for our writers workshop! Do you possess expert skills in image creation and manipulation? Mediocre? Even rudimentary? Are you frightened by MS Paint and simply have a funny idea? You can create an infographic and you could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow!