6 Prison Jobs That Are Probably Better Than Yours
If one misguided lesson could be taken away from The Shawshank Redemption, it's that a prison term is not the end of the world for somebody aspiring to retire rich to a beachfront house. But let's be honest here: Incarceration tends to produce some holes in a resume.
Fortunately, there are several ways to spin a prison term to a potential employer. Depending on the nature of the crime and which jurisdiction it was committed in, you can wind up with a job that, to be frank, is probably cooler than the one you have now. Like ...
#6. Working as a Roadie for a Band
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OK, so your rock star dreams didn't work out. Still, you can work in the biz, right? You could become a roadie, go to shows for free and set up amps and stuff for famous bands. Maybe you'll get to meet Nickelback! Or at least get in on some groupie action. But how do you get a job like that?
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Apart from renouncing God?
Well, you could try committing a crime. If you get tossed into Rikers Island Correctional Facility in New York, you and your fellow inmates can wind up employed as roadies for visiting concerts at Coney Island's Asser Levy Park.
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"Asser Levy Park: The greatest smack-to-body ratio on earth."
Facing budget cutbacks, the borough of Brooklyn has turned to inmates as a low cost alternative to help with the setup and tear down at their concerts. And we're not talking about helping out local bar bands, either -- inmates have been used to set up for (and clean up after) the B-52's, the Beach Boys, Cheap Trick and George Thorogood. Wait, does the program only apply to '80s bands?
brooklynvegan
We can't be sure who's committed the bigger crime here.
Lest the felons decide to steal a souvenir for themselves (like a guitar pick, or a family member), Department of Corrections spokesmen say the prisoners are all carefully monitored during the day's labor, and that only the most non-violent ones are randomly selected to go just minutes before the buses leave. Somehow, the program has met with mixed reactions from the community.
brooklynpaper
They really fucking hate the B-52's.
Still, it seems like a pretty sweet deal for some lucky inmates. Imagine you're a guest of the state and your plans for the day consist of not becoming someone's girlfriend, when a guard taps you on the shoulder and tells you that you're working on a chain gang. But instead of finding yourself picking up litter on the side of a highway, you're setting up a show for 38 Special. Sure beats the hell out of working in the prison laundry.
#5. Building Superweapons
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When you think of a prisoner building a weapon, the most common image is some crude form of knife made out of a toothbrush. Really, say what you want about prisoners, but you can't help but admire the creativity that inmates show when it comes time to fashion a makeshift arsenal.
annistonstar
Every one of these is designed for rectal use.
In an attempt to capitalize on this untapped resource, one company named Unicor (formerly known as the much cooler Federal Prison Industries) has put all of that destructive creative energy to work. With deals for such defense contractors as General Dynamics, McDonnell Douglas, Lockheed Martin and Textron, Unicor employees get paid a starting salary of 23 cents an hour to build components for the F-15 and F-16 fighter jets, the Patriot Missile System and the Cobra attack helicopter.
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"Ground, the autopilot is taking me above the correction facility yard. Confirm. Please confirm!"
And what could possibly go wrong with allowing convicts to work with heavy weapons? It's not like it's possible for someone in captivity to use parts from various weapons systems to build some type of robotic exoskeleton and go on a one-man rampage.
Unicor takes an altruistic view on their activities. As one Unicor executive said, "Prisons without meaningful activities for inmates are dangerous prisons, and dangerous prisons are expensive prisons." We have to say, he kind of has a point.
weirdplanet
This one.
#4. Restoring Classic Cars
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On the scale of ultimate "guy jobs" that a guy could realistically get, working on high-end sports cars falls somewhere between sports broadcaster and porn editor. Yet some prisoners get to do it. One company, Unique Performance, contracted inmates to build Shelby GT's and other six-figure rides.
Well, hell, that works out for everybody, right? The inmates get a dream job, and rich dudes suffering a mid-life crisis get a kick-ass car. And they can drive it knowing that every minute spent building it was teaching some con the skills he'd need out in the real world. Everybody wins!
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This guy now knows how to hotwire Aston Martins AND Lamborghinis!
Well, on paper, anyway. These enterprising convicts, under the direction of Unique Performance, decided to be a little creative in how they restored these Shelbys. It was discovered that close to 13 gallons of Bondo was used in each restored car. Bondo is kind of like Silly Putty; it's used (sparingly) to fill dents on damaged body frames. It is also fairly universally agreed to be the cheapest and shittiest product ever invented for body work. No reputable mechanic would ever use substantial amounts of it on his own car, let alone a piece of art like a Shelby GT.
autoblog
"Alright, I'm ready for the Maserati."
Dozens of people, ranging from former Secret Service agents to Hollywood actors, were taken in by this scam, paying up to $200,000 for vehicles that were built with the same attention to artistic craft and detail as the average prison tattoo.
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That's Sanskrit for "hackjob."
OK, we're now a little nervous about that previous entry involving military weapon system components. But, we're thinking inmate labor is probably all about the supervision. Leave a bunch of convicts to their own devices and you're lucky you don't wind up with a makeshift Flame Throwing Prison Escape Murder Tank.
LSPTv is not the only such station in the country. At London Ohio Correctional Institution (medium security state prison, Madison County), they have a closed-circuit station called LENS (which stands for London Education and News Station). I was a teacher for a college that had a program in the prison for twelve years. The inmates produced recruiting spots for the university that aired on the network. I was even on LENS once as a guest during one of their annual horror movie marathons at Halloween.
ReplyOn another subject, many prisons in Ohio (London and the women's facility at Marysville) used to have a seeing-eye dog training program the inmates could work in. Everybody loved it. Unfortunately, the state commissioned a study in the mid-90s to measure the effect that participating in the program had on inmates. As with similar programs in other prisons in other states, the results showed a significant decrease in the chance of recidivism for inmates who trained seeing eye dogs. That's unfortunate because as soon as the results came back, the program was eliminated (one of the inmates who used to work in the college office once told me that the unbreakable First Rule of every DRC in this country is "If it works, get rid of it.").
Interesting.
ReplyCheap labor.
Up here in Washington at the women's prison they raise butterflies, last I heard they were practicing on regular butterflies and once the program honed its collective skills they were going to start with some kind of super rare species. When you have the world's highest prison poulation you can get a whole lot of really cheap labor (boy i hope that doesn't affect our criminal justice system).
ReplyYou guys will hate me for the comment, but my impression from a European point of view is that "restored" classics in the USA never am done any different. Most who buy a car from the US buy one that needs restoration anyway and doe it / let it be done here.
ReplyI myself had a Ferrari 308GTB ES who was owned nearly 30 years by a wealthy person in Malibu. Rust was not a problem... but what was otherwise done to the car as "maintainance" really hurts any Tifosi.
Sorry about this folks but the horses these guys in prison are training?? They are NOT captive born. If they were, they'd be under professional trainers, BLM would have nothing to do with them, and they wouldn't be in an 'adoption' program. These are genuine, real-life, wild American Mustangs that they are training. Don't know why the writer seemed determined to make every one think they were domesticated horses. Prison-trained Mustangs are highly prized and sought after. They are tough, wiry little horses with hooves like iron. Many are never shod their entire lives. They are healthier and hardier than domesticated horses because any physical weaknesses have been culled out of them by Mother Nature. They seem to be more immune to a wide variety of horse diseases that would kill domesticate horses. The US Border Patrol loves them and uses them both on the Mexican border and on the Canadian border. Deep snow, desert sand, nothing slows them down. Kinda like the Energizer Bunny. They keep going and going and going. Mounted Sheriff's Posse's also snap them up although many times, they are looking for specific colors to match the rest of the Posse's horses. The Marine Corp has a mounted unit that I believe are all palominos and they are all mustangs. Several police forces use the prison-trained mustangs for their mounted patrols. Some of those mustangs are so calm and gentle after training that they go into programs for troubled youth. Or as for mounts for handicapped kids to ride. The US Forest Service uses them. Private owners that adopt them have used them for just about anything a domestically bred horse can be used for. They've been trained in upper-level Dressage (similar to what the white Lipizzaners do). They jump. They rein. They barrel race. They calf-rope. They cut cattle. They are smarter than most domesticated horses because they have to be to live in the wild with mountain lions, bears, wolves, coyotes, all kinds of predators. Some people claim they are smarter than people. They make absolutely great endurance horses. Hunters and packers love them because they aren't as spooky as a domestic horse is. If I ever get in the position where I can have horses again, those prison trained mustangs would be my first choice. Hands down.
ReplyI'm pretty sure it's also convicts who help train dogs, especially dogs who were raised in negligent or abusive conditions, since the convict is apparently more likely to be able to control an aggressive dog.
ReplyYeah, when I was in court for a traffic appearance, ahead of me was some girl who'd been in prison and was asking to be released. She said she had participated in a dog training program in prison. This is in Ohio.
i stand still in a bearskin hat for a living. hang on im proud of having a better job then an imprisoned person? o f**k
ReplyI like the one with the horses and the frogs, especially keeping in mind that a lot of people in prison are non-violent, but gosh, I'm nervous about the roadie one, at which point, I have to ask, is the offence of being peeping tom classed as violence? Cause that kind act might not leave anyone injured, but that tend to be the kind of thing Colonel Serial Killer did before he started the killing. Not the kinda people I want around post throwing my underwear on stage.
ReplyThe Beach Boys aren't an 80's band.
ReplyBeing a roadie actually sucks. and what they're doing is called loading. its carrying around heavy equipment that tears your hands up. it isn't remotely fun.
Reply#2 was basically the beginning of that show Wildfire, where the girl does community service at a horse farm and then when she gets out of jail she becomes a jockey. I didn't think they actually had convicts doing community service with such valuable animals.
ReplyThe worst is that prisoners actually have quite the decent chance of getting some decent work after serving time. I was in a Hell called work-training. That place has ruined my life.
ReplyWe really need to work prisoners work. you might say its like slaver, but its better than all the sweatshops we use now. it's actually better because we can provide good working and living conditions (comparitively)
ReplyWhy would violent sports be allowed in prison? Does anyone really want a convict to be released after learning how to box weekly?
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesBetter that they punch each other in a controlled way, with gum shields, gloves and RULES than just beating the s**t out of each other. Pent-up aggression is a real problem.
And they consistently practice boxing inside their cells anyway, due to a combination of a lot of free time and a desire to keep from getting butt-raped.
they get out theyre aggression and can settle arguments without eople ending up dead. now, if they taught them intensive akido, kung fu, karate, krav maga, and mma classes I would be worried
seriuosly grow up
to be fair, if they took all the non-crazy prisoners out there and actually put them to work doing something that's good for society (not building f*****g weapons) I would back that. It's pretty much win-win. They get something to do and society benefits from it. I'm not just talking about America (because I don't live there and have no clue) but in poorer countries too, where the prisons are near bursting and there is so much work that needs to be done. Agriculture, building work, cleaning up after disasters etc. I think its a valuable labor source that shouldn't be wasted. It's not exactly slave labor as some people have suggested, that's just silly. The prisoners would probably benefit the most from a scheme like that.
ReplyWeapons are good for society! they allow us to stamp out the weak and pitiful countries that happen to have set themselves up on top of OUR resources.
I'm willing to bet a LOT of money that it wasn't just the prisoners who came up with the idea to use all that bondo.
ReplyYou know, I heard about the frog story firsthand on the radio, but I forgot about it until now. Thanks for reminding me!
ReplyI know it's sappy, but my heart just melts away and a smile spreads across my face. It makes me want to rescue puppies.
Good thing this is not at all similar to slave labour.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesSlavery boils down to "you can't go home, and you must work or you're fucked". Prison labour boils down to...
Wait.
It's the exact same thing but in this case every slave has broke the law of the land and must now pay their debt to society. So if you think about it, it's not the same at all. What did you expect? That we took criminals to 5 star hotels for their much needed rest after all that crime they committed?
In the US prisons are being run by private companies, so by "society" you mean a certain Jack McMoneybag.
The only step forward is to make the entire judicial system being run by private companies to maintain the steady influx of slaves.
Most prisons are not run by private companies, but yes some are. That needs to stop, but that's a different conversation.
Prisoners have to be locked up, these systems give the prisoners something to do...it keeps them busy and lets them leave the prisons once and a while.
You'd be surprised how things like that work wonders for real rehabilitation.
Yes, prisoners have to be locked up. Except the penal system is really not at all effective. As in, if you got into a prison, you are usually at the top or at the bottom. IF you're at the top, you learn the arts and crafts of crime, you are becoming more violent, etc. Overall you're more of a threat to society.
If you're at the bottom your mind is pretty much broken, as is your asshole. There was an experiment in USSR where victims of prison rape were moved to another colony entirely. So guess what, they recreated the hierarchy again, except much more hardcore. Like, one prison b***h in that new colony decided to resist, so (they were chopping wood at the time) they chopped his legs off and laughed as he was bleeding to death, his stumps twitching as the exposed nerves and tissue touched the ground. It was called the rooster dance. They got executed obviously, and this entire system was scrapped.
And one more thing to top it off: if you have ever been at a prison, you will pretty much never find a proper job again. No matter what, if your crime was something petty, or in some cases even if you were framed / wrongly accused and released after that, you can forget about this job as an executive director.
You know what pays more than bottom level jobs (occupied by immigrants anyway)? Crime.
Ergo penal system does not prevent crime.
Private run prisons that use inmates as a work force are exactly slave labour no matter how you look at it.
So we have a private penal system, private army, private government (corruption and rampant lobbyism makes it private i guess) - what's left? That's right: private police!
I for one welcome our glorious corporate-run Gibsonian government.
"TheFran" I thought you said slavery was a good thing.
For a minute there I got stuck on what it meant to "hug them the hard way".
ReplyI still don't understand.
Is that a metaphor for shanking while hugging? Or like in "Of mice and men"?
No, you're just parsing the sentence wrong. It's meant like "I learned the hard way not to hug them."
#1 - "New guy receives Prison Rape Welcoming Committee during first shower - news at eleven."
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