Oh boy. Ooohhh boy. Oh man. Sorry. We're just so, so excited that we get to share the Super Dictionary with you. Oh boy.
The Super Dictionary is a full length dictionary released by Warner Educational Services in 1978 that was chock full of ridiculous situations, inappropriate innuendos and full on racism. If any kid ever actually learned anything from this book, we can't imagine what it could have been other than awful.
Ah, the ghost of Internet memes past.
But in the interest of continued learning we have gone through the entire dictionary and discovered that even though there are no lessons or logic anywhere in sight, there certainly are recurring themes. Like the fact that:
Robin is Useless
Batman wanted Robin's death to look like an accident. Which is why he gave the keys to a prepubescent boy. He wanted his sidekick to die so he put him behind the wheel of a dangerous, experimental car. 'Experimental' means the car had no brakes.
No one in the Bat-Family likes to mention the day that the first Robin died in a terrible rubber car accident because Batman foolishly trusted him with the keys. In fairness to Robin, he's fucking twelve years old.
Sure Robin, whatever you say. It's the ball. It has absolutely nothing to do with you sticking your leg out and standing on your toes whenever you shoot.
We are going to talk like this. We have been talking like this all day. Our families are talking about locking us up.
"Well, it's a good thing you're a god damned superhero, then, isn't it? Just get the hell up, Robin."
We love that Batman doesn't even assume for a second that one of his many villains attacked Robin. He knows without a single doubt that Robin somehow hurt himself again and needs help getting home alone. "Did you trip over your own feet when you accidentally bit your tongue, Robin? Did you wet yourself when it happened? Is that- Yes? Okay, I'll have Alfred tuck you into bed while I go out and fight the mafia; you've had a big day already."
Joker's face here is more unsettling than anything Heath Ledger could ever hope to do.
"I don't actually understand how the super villain/super hero dichotomy works; will you please let me go and then let me arrest you?"
Green Characters Are Complete Wusses
There are only two green characters in the DC universe, Green Arrow and Green Lantern, but surprisingly enough their color choice isn't their only similarity. They also both suffer from intense emotional disturbances set off by basically nothing at all.
Green Lantern, the magic, semi-omnipotent superhero in charge of protecting the entire Earth has ordered that boy not to pick that flower. Well, there's gotta be a good reason. Why? It's evil, it's rare, it's got a thorn, what? Turns out he can't pick it because that's Green Lantern's flower, that's why, and he is enjoying the shit out of it!
"Fuck you, kid!"
But Green Lantern doesn't JUST steal flowers from white-eyed children with no explanation...
"Look at your eyes, you- Jesus, Hal, you're wasted."
... he's also a huge baby. Or drunk, or exhausted, or something. He's going to start crying if someone doesn't get him into a bed soon, is our point.
Really? He said "go back to the other toads in the pond?" Because it certainly looked like he said "AAAAHHHH! AAAAHHHH GET OFF ME! You may be on one of the other superheroes, but not me. Will you get off me?"
And then Green Arrow murdered the child. He committed murder and is now a murderer.
It's almost as if Green Arrow and Green Lantern are having a competition about who can have the biggest over-reaction to the most insignificant thing.
It's Been a Tough Time for Super-villains
When picturing a traditional super-villain scheme, most of us think of big plots like blotting out the sun or blowing up the Pentagon or carving your name into the moon. But what the Super-Dictionary shows us is that sometimes super villains can just be downright petty.
Like the Penguin here, sure he can afford to pay for that shovel, it would probably even be less of a hassle if he did. But it's the principles of super-villainy that are important here and those principles clearly state that super-villains don't pay for shit. Ever. Case closed.
What are you even going to do with that, Joker? This cannot be the most efficient way to get groceries.
The Penguin desperately needs a hobby. He needs something to occupy his time. Maybe if The Penguin had a hobby or some friends, he wouldn't be such an asshole.
"Some will be apple. The apple will BURN YOU, BATMAN."
Super-villainy rule #4: always explain your schemes in as much detail as humanly possible to your arch-nemesis.
In the process of sourcing, cropping and resizing this, we still haven't figured this out.
Was that what Luthor was always after? Painting Superman? Where's the entry where Luthor draws a dick on his face?
Superman and Lois Lane are Batshit Insane
Lois and Superman have always had a complicated relationship but the Super-Dictionary reveals to us some surprising facts about their personal lives and how incredibly unhealthy and abusive their relationship really was.
Many boxes contain a woman's head. This is what we have learned. This is why Se7en was so underwhelming.
We don't know if this is a punishment or part of some weird, sexual role play these two are into, but we don't like it. Perry White doesn't seem to, either, while Clark just glares at her with an expression that screams "No! You keep that on. You wear it until you learn."
"Sure, Superman, we figured it was something like that, but remember you're a superhero and people are dying everywhere all the time." Also, we have to point out that one of the distinguishing factors of a teaspoon is that, of the major measuring spoons, (tea and table), it is the smaller of the two. When you're trying to teach children what words and objects are, describing a teaspoon as "giant" is just irresponsible dictionary work.
Oh domestic violence, you scamp.
What kind of arrangement is this? Lois will only tell Superman where he's going after he decides how he wants to get there? And she'll beat him if he doesn't tell her? We don't even know how she benefits from that plan. What did Superman do that made Lois so crazy?
"That is why we are standing in her room, staring."
Oh, OK, sure, yeah, that'd do it.
There is no way that this is the clearest way to teach children what "strange" is. No. No way.
For more disturbing looks at superheroes, check out 5 Superheroes Rendered Ridiculous by Gritty Reboots and The 6 Creepiest Comic Book Characters of All Time.
And stop by LinkSTORM to see more of Submariner's spread.
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