5 Untrained Civilians Who Took On Armies
#2. Juana Galan
Carmen Escobar Carrio, Wikipedia
In 1808, Napoleon, running out of scenic holiday destinations to invade, somehow totally forgot about his neighbor to the south, Spain. So that year he dispatched his troops, kicking off the Peninsular War.
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"Spain, huh? There it is, just dangling off of France. Wow, how did I miss that?"
Only 20 years old and working as a barmaid in the town of Valdepenas, Juana Galan was not expecting a surge of French soldiers to come storming through her village. But on June 6, that's exactly what happened. At that time, most of the men were fighting Napoleon's forces elsewhere in the nation. Juana, unfazed by things like rifles and Frenchmen and French riflemen, began organizing the women in her village to form a trap for the approaching army.
Wikipedia
A sexy trap.
When the army arrived, Juana and her friends were ready. They dumped boiling water and oil on the French troops, which by all accounts will instantly take the fight out of pretty much anyone. Then Juana, armed with only a batan, beat back the heavily armed French cavalry with her squad of village women, almost none of whom were armed with guns.
The French retreated, giving up on capturing not just Juana's town but the entire province of La Mancha, leading to ultimate Spanish victory. Today, she is seen in Spain as a national hero, a symbol of resistance, strength, patriotism, feminism and hitting shit with a stick.
Wikipedia
"Hold! Do you see this goddamn thing?"
#1. Pier Donia
In 1515, Dutch farmer Pier Donia was living a happy life with his wife and children in a small village in the Netherlands when a civil war broke out. Having no military experience to speak of, Donia came to the conclusion that he didn't give two twisted shits about the war and decided to continue farming whatever it is that Dutch people farm. So he was kind of like Mel Gibson at the beginning of Braveheart.
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Tulips don't give a crap about your freedom.
Unfortunately for Donia, the resemblance would not end there.
When his village refused to pay dues to a notorious legion of soldiers loyal to the government known as the Black Band, the soldiers rolled through and burned everything to the ground, raping and killing Donia's wife and murdering his children. When Donia returned from the fields to see the carnage, he vowed revenge against the Habsburgs and their butt-loving faces.
Donia was about to go Braveheart on their asses.
Wikipedia
They may take his life, but they'll never take his ability to take their lives.
Despite not knowing how a boat works or ever firing a gun in his life, he quickly formed a band of pirates and set sail for some assbeat. By the end of 1515, he had captured 28 Dutch Navy boats and become an infamous rebel, earning the truly stunning nickname Grutte Pier ("Big Peter" in Dutch). By 1517, he had started taking over entire villages, and would ransom some of the higher class citizens before burning down their cities himself.
Wikipedia
He may be going a bit far by now, but he does look fabulous.
Later that year, the Dutch ruler Charles V decided he'd had enough of Big Peter and dispatched an entire fleet to stop him. A man who, let us remind you, came into this with no training or experience.
Although he was defeated in the initial attack, Donia struck back by taking the entire fleet of 11 ships before crushing an army of 300 soldiers who showed up as reinforcements. In 1519, disillusioned that he was now becoming the very thing he'd set out to defeat, Donia retired and died of natural causes the next year. That's right -- he quit because he was kicking too much ass.
Wikipedia
For his valiant efforts he got a rugby club named after him and ... this.
See more crazy civilians in 6 Insane True Stories Too Awesome for a Chuck Norris Movie. Or check out The 6 Most Epic One Man Armies in the History of War.
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I gotta read that book.
ReplyUntil the end of the text I was hoping to see something about Anita Garibaldi, but it seems you forgot about her. I really think she should be on the list, since she's a national hero in both Brazil and Italy, and also a totally untrained civillian who just took armies and end up making a huge difference in history. Maybe next time Cracked'll tell her story?
Reply#1 had some Gladiator in there too.
ReplyEvery guy who read the story of Pier Donia had their balls shrink to raisins. That guy was what I wish I could *wish* I could be.
ReplyLook at that axe! Merely being in the same room as it makes you 10% more badass
"Avenge our death and tell the world what happened."
ReplyAnd then he cursed at the wind with a mighty cry, puts on a mask and spandex, and proceeded to murder the s**t out of every Nazi soldiers as the dark superhero, Angryman! XD
"She joined the Belarus underground as part of a unit nicknamed the Young Avengers"
ReplyI'm massively disappointed her callsign isn't "Hawkeye" and is highly skilled in dispatching Nazis with exploding arrows. XD
+15 for the Young Avengers caption joke.
ReplyYou beat me to it. damn you.
Grutte Pier is actually Frisian.
ReplyIn Dutch it would be "Grote Pier"
Reportedly he was 6 foot 7 and wielded a broadsword of the same size. Hence the name "Big".
The story goes that to root out (Dutch) spies he made up a sentence that only Frisians can say.
"Buter, brea en griene tsiis wa't dat net sizze kin is gjin oprjochte Fries."
Which, of course, translates to, "Give me some bread, butter and ass-kickin' with a side of fries."
Wouldn't Grutte Pier be "Big Pier"? Names don't translate
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesNames do translate. Just look at John, each European language has it's own way of spelling it.
Another example: Stephen = Etienne in French.
You think that Pier and Peter are super far apart? Please use some logical skills next time you try to comment.
What about the guy from Dawn of the dead he worked at best Buy haha
ReplyWhat the heck IS that statue for Pier Donia? It looks like a gnome.
ReplyI was thinking like a warrior bowed down ala Templar style maybe.
Ok, this comment has nothing to do with the article itself. I've seen a couple in this comment section, but it's been a reoccuring theme throughout Cracked since I started reading this site. That is, some of the readers constant references and analogies involving Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, comics etc. I don't know if I'm trying to make fun or vent my annoyance toward these refernces....I don't know. All I know is I do not get most of those references, because other than Star Wars, I've never seen or read any of that shit. So please stop it, and use an analogy that the majority of people can understand and relate to. I apoligize for my mini rant, and thank you for your time.
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesI will now sit back and watch everyone who attends conventions tell me how my comment angers them as much as the time R2D2 was kidnapped by ewoks(those are the little dudes, right?)on the planet of Tattoine(??).....How was that shoddy attempt at a reference?
Did you ever stop to think that if you haven't got at least a passing familiarity with geek culture... that maybe, just maybe you shouldn't be on Cracked in the first place?
Hi, I'm going to tell you something you maybe don't realize.
People can make references to things you may not know about, which is fine if you don't nobody can get every reference to everything ever but your rant isn't helping. It makes you look extremely stupid you're bringing it up at all and for the record, a great majority of people understand Star Wars analogies. I've only seen one of the movies and I understand all Star War jokes. And perhaps comment on articles that have to do with Star Wars if you simply have to "vent" your annoyance with people making jokes you don't get.
Your reference fails, by the way. R2-D2 was kidnapped by Jawas (although the sounds made by the Jawas were reused for the Ewoks). Also, it's Tatooine.
Hey, don't get your mynocks in a Sarlacc.
you sound more unpleasant to be around than a rancor!
By the Great Ones, it's meatbags like yourself that lead to ignorance and intolerance. Go out and learn something if you don't understand the reference, you idiotic muggle!
By Cthulu's balls, open a book, check Wikipedia or urban dictionary, read a few myths... >.
Moosemaimer wins.
Just a little flaw: The Democratic Army of Greece (DSE) was the army of the Greek Communist Party (KKE). So Vratsanos was not trying to overthrow the elected government, he just fought on the Communist side during the civil war.
ReplyThe side that was trying to overthrow the government. Though yeah the way it was phrased makes it sound like he started it or lead it.
I was impressed by Pier Donia's story, especially on how he decided to end it. But I must add something; the Peninsular War began not because Napoleon decided to conquer Spain (although he probably thought of that before) but because he wanted to impose his blockade against England. The French troops entered the Iberian Peninsula with the intent of conquering Portugal, but then they got greedy...
ReplyWhat's interesting is that to the army greater in strength, these people are nothing more than annoying terrorists (Taliban, anyone?). Depending on the side you're on, they could be villains or heroes.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesWeird. It says "+2 -1" but with a "0" score overall.
Yep, the Taliban are real heroes. Blowrag.
f*****g DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES, HOW DO THEY WORK?
It's the difference between attacking military troops and materiel and attacking civilians.
I agree with my fellow Bob, but I think this point applies to any insurgents, even if they only attack soldiers.
If an insurgent kills a civilian, it's terrorism. If a soldier does it, it's collateral.
The Famous Five never did that, indeed.
Reply"They did a lot of good before Iron Man confiscated their weapons and told their parents."
ReplyYou are aware of how possible this was, right? :)
I'm pretty sure that was a reference to Marvel's "Young Avengers". Early on, Iron Man pretty much stepped in and took their gear to put them in a time-out...
"Despite not knowing how a boat works or ever firing a gun in his life, he quickly formed a band of pirates and set sail for some assbeat." XD
ReplyAwesome article, I was laughing so hard, my head hit the keyboard.
Pier Donia's story absolutely makes him sound like a movie villain. He even has the tragic backstory.
Reply"They may take his life, but they'll never take his ability to take their lives."
Reply-This article was full of funny shit, but goddamn this one made me laugh so hard I farted!!!