The 6 Dumbest Things Schools Are Doing in the Name of Safety
We don't envy public school teachers and administrators. They have trying jobs, and nobody seems to give them enough credit. Maybe it's no wonder that schools sometimes go a little crazy and traumatize students.
But sometimes, the craziest things schools do are done in the name of keeping kids safe, all logic be damned. Things like ...
#6. Forcing Students to Wear Electronic Tracking Devices
You know what's hard about running the school? Keeping track of all those freaking kids, most of whom don't even want to be there. Hell, look at what Mr. Rooney went through with Ferris Bueller.
With that in mind, two Houston, Texas, area schools started handing out radio frequency identification tracking tags to the students (at a district cost of $150,000) in the attempt to track the kids' movements on campus. The idea is to make it easier for administrators to make sure the students go to class (remember, state funding is tied to attendance).
Via abclocal.go.com
Naturally, the technology has some flaws. For one, the badges can be taken off or handed to another pupil, allowing the students to do whatever they want anyway.
Via abclocal.go.com
"Boy, there sure are a lot of kids hanging around the trash can."
For another, the system kind of straddles the line between overbearing and pointless, since the badges are of no help if, say, a student gets abducted or runs away (they only work within 100 feet of the building). So that's going to lead to some awkward conversations.
Administrator: Hello, Mrs. Smith. We're calling to let you know that our tracking system indicates your son left the building today.
Mrs. Smith: OK, so where the hell is he now?
Administrator: ...
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Just 101 feet away, little Jimmy was mauled to death by wild animals.
Then there are the privacy issues that RFID technology usually brings to the table, along with parents concerned that the system where the identification data is stored could be hacked. And of course, there's the whole thing with training kids to get used to being electronically tracked at every moment of the day ...
Hey, and why stop here? If schools are willing to use electronic tracking, why not make truant kids wear ankle bracelets, like just-released felons? Oh, wait, a school in San Antonio is already doing that.
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"I understand you're a boy who knows how to get things ...".
#5. Banning All Photography
We don't want to joke about pedophilia, or belittle all of the parents who spend time worrying about it. But there is a line between precaution and mindless panic.
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"... so I should just turn myself in now? He won't let go."
For instance, to make sure all students are safe from the dangers of the world's online child porn mongers, a school in England has done the only logical thing they could think of -- ban everyone from taking any pictures of the students, ever. This ban applies to parents, other students, caretakers, friends, relatives ... basically all humans who attend any school events on or off campus, including school plays, sporting events and field trips.
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Here's little Jimmy's fourth-grade photo!
So what's the big deal? First off, they're basically stripping away the possibility of capturing many of the valuable Kodak moments that happen in a child's formative years (the ones they'll want to show their own children so they can know what life was like before the Great Nano-Zombie Plague).
But more importantly, they're missing a great opportunity to actually do their jobs -- teaching children something meaningful that they can apply to the real world. Like, for instance, what to look out for when it comes to real-world creeps, other than "everyone who owns a camera."
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"Oh God, take him before I make a record of this happy occasion!"
Also, either there is a real misunderstanding of how child porn works, or the school grossly overestimates the sexiness of its children. If allowing children to be photographed playing soccer or doing a drama club performance of Fiddler on the Roof is enough to turn on pedophiles, then we probably just have to accept that fact. The next step is just throwing a tarp over the students any time they're in public for fear that someone nearby is getting aroused.
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Ghosts are the only language pedophiles understand.
#4. Absolutely NO Touching!
Middle school is a tough time for most students. On top of all their physical changes, they have raging hormones that convince them that all boys want to be hit as hard as possible, and all girls, no matter how much they resist or how fast they run away, are longing for that inappropriate touch.
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"THIS IS HOW WE LEARN BOUNDARIES!"
To make sure nobody gets out of line and all students are safe, Fairfax Middle School in Virginia decided to start teaching students how to behave properly right when they walk in the door that first day. Just kidding! That wouldn't be fun for us at all. Instead, they seemed to take the easy way out and said, "Screw it -- no touching, ever."
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"Repress your emotions! You'll thank me when you're stuck in a loveless marriage."
That's right -- in 2007, they banned any and all physical contact because the faculty believes students are incapable of understanding that there is a difference between a congratulatory high-five between two friends and a punch to the face.
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"Great job on that test, buddy!"
This ban isn't just enforced in the classroom. Students are forbidden to touch each other while at lunch, in the hallway or at any other time during school hours.
The principal defended the ban, saying she's seen too many incidents of students playing bloody knuckles -- a game that involves two idiots slamming their knuckles together as hard as they can. This seems to imply that all touching is a slippery slope that always ends in slapstick fist-smashing.
The worst part is that FMS isn't the only school taking such extreme measures; these kinds of over-the-top precautions are showing up more often now that more school administrators have taken a ride on the crazy train (where they were apparently also groped and beaten). East Shore Middle School in Connecticut adopted the same policy in 2009. This one came about after a kick to the groin sent a student to the hospital.
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This incident clearly warrants a knee-jerk reaction.
So, instead of banning groin kicks (which we suspect were already against the rules), East Shore banned hugging, high-fiving and shaking hands on school grounds. Students caught high-fiving a classmate could receive detention, a suspension or even expulsion.
Some students decided to fight back by duct taping their arms to their sides as a form of protest. Which also misses the point, since their legs would still be free for groin kicking. Damn, even their acts of defiance don't make sense.
I go to a Catholic school, and #2 would be great!
ReplyI live in Canada and my middle school used number 4 for a while. it was a hilarious joke. the day they started it a couple of my friends decided to high five in front of a teacher. it was funny until they almost got suspended. And then it was funnier because we laughed at how full of s**t the rules were. That also happened to be the only time the rule was enforced.
Reply5 and 2 are great. as it should be!
Replyf**k Texas. You heard me.
ReplyMost cracked article about strange things schools have done list Texas at east twice
You are talking about Kilmer Middle School in Fairfax County, Fairfax Middle School in VA does not exist. Kilmer Middle School(Which I went to) has the same policy and I remember the principle saying those exact words.
ReplyQuite a bit different nowadays...
ReplyI remember back in the mid-80s when I was in 4th grade, we took a student government class. They were teaching us all about the passing of laws, 2/3rds majority, etc.
One enterprising student came to the principal with the idea that just like in real life where if the populace wants a law and it gets passed, the government has to abide, so we should be able to do the same. We voted on a new soda machine, it passed, and the principal stuck to his word even though he warned us against drinking too much of it.
These days, the principal would probably say something like "No, it's stupid and bad for you, I'm not going to keep my word because you made a bad choice"...wait, that IS like the government these days... :(
That is not how we played bloody knuckles when I was in school. If you're just mashing your fists together, the first "accident" will be a punch in the face. And it looks retarded. I know, I just tried it.
ReplyI have always, always hated standardised bullshit in schools ever since I went from Illinois elementary school to Georgia middle school and basically repeated classes and material I already learned for the next three years.
ReplyI now hate all educational establishments as the poster children for oxymorons, emphasis on *morons*.
I graduated from high school a few years ago, but at the beginning of my sophomore year, the school forced everyone to wear plastic ID cards on lanyards. You got one at the start of the year and had to buy a temporary one for a dollar every day you forgot it. The temp had your name, grade, the date, and a sticker that changed colors after a day. After the third temp for that year, you had to buy a new ID for three bucks. You couldn't put any stickers on it or draw on it at all or you had to buy a new one.
ReplyThey changed them the next year by adding a bar code that they scanned in the lunch line instead of punching in a number. Forget your ID? Hope you ate breakfast. A lot of kids re-used the temps or borrowed a friend's ID to get through the door. I ended up having two plastic ones, so if I forgot one I had another stashed in my backpack.
I'm so glad I made it to adulthood before school totally went up the swanny! If there is anybody left under 25 who can function in the real world by the time I'm 50, I'll buy a hat and eat it!
ReplyGreat now the schools will start giving out jailtime! *grin*
Reply-I mean this jokingly, not trying to bean a-hole
found the program. its called AimTruancy, their twitter says my district (NEISD) is part of the program.
Replyand Bexar county, XD
ReplyI live in San Antonio, may not be my school but ive seen a girl wearing an ankle thing. I thought she was under house arrest or something! I mean, its sort of a co-incydink dont you think? :P
Replyspeaking of these things,whats the deal with fire drills. Honestly if there was a frie how many people would walk out in pretty organized lines and how many people would book it?
ReplyThe idea is that when the fire alarm goes off, because there are so many drills, it would be natural for kids not near the fire to assume that it's just another drill and act the way they normally would, filing out safely. If you're in a fire, you're probably going to run, but that's what you should be doing. You're in a goddamn fire.
Once my school was talking about how important fire drills are and how we should all go to the football pitch
The I asked 'what if the pitch catches fire ?' none of them had an answer XD
school food is more unhealthy than fast food, i know of a kid who had four chicken patties, they clogged his intestines. the burritos had more calories than a big mac. the soy sauce tastes as if it has expired. the chocolate milk has more calories than a can of coca cola. some kid went back to the student store to say that his order was expired. the sandwiches have chemicals used to make bombs. the apples have absolutely no flavor whatsoever, not sour nor sweet, just tasteless, they sometimes have grapes like that too, how do you screw up a grape so bad it hass no flavor, that must take quite a bit of effort.
ReplyThe stuff at my school is pretty decent.
Makes me feel a lot better about being made to stand behind the chalk board for drinking water in class or borrowing a highlighter. Heck, not ever being allowed to go outside during our little food break because there was always someone that misbehaved seems like a walk in the park compared to these. I'd rather be called a donkey and be made fun of by the teacher for not studying my Geography and failing the oral exam (oh hush) than have to experience any of the crap listed above. All of the poetry memorization, hours of dictation out of the textbook during art class and religion class are all still heaven compared to this list. I don't think I ever want kids in this country.
ReplyLists like this make me lose faith in the school system.
ReplyWell, considering that as a citizen of the United States (I'm assuming?), you literally own the government, which is running the schools, you have 100% authority to work towards changing things.
When did we become so complacent in this country that we just accept whatever the government tells us to do?
The moment they stopped listening to ideas they deemed 'stupid'
The idea: lower school fees
School fees over $2000 per person
Isn't it odd that a good majority of insane-school lists often focus on the former Confederacy? It's either a ka-winky-dink or on purpose, but either way it makes me glad I come from the Rockies instead. The worst insanity our schools have is teaching kindergardeners Sex Ed.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesMoving from New England to the bible belt, I can tell you it's because people absolutely HATE their children down here.
The beatings, the derision, the scorn...my landlady down here regularly says, in front of her 7-year-old "Man, I hate the weekdays...I have to deal with HER", pointing to her daughter.
A little beating never hurt anybody. Abuse is one thing, discipline is another. And most parents love their kids, they just expect the kid to play around with them. They complain about you being there and stuff, but if you're gone, they do end up calling and seeing what's up.
I heard about the kindergarden sex ed. It's actually in Wyoming, which is partly in the rockies. There were so many complaints from parents that the legislature passed a bill that threw out the sex-ed curriculum and banned its creators (planned parenthood) from any future involment in public elementery schools. Then the governer vetoed the bill- with a f*****g Branding Iron. I hear school attendance is way up in certain parts of Colorado and Idaho.
I remember my high school dress-code.
ReplyGirls could wear shirts that showed cleavage and under/side-boob, but God forbid we wore leggings or jeans with holes in them.
I guess guys are more likely to get off on ankles and knee caps.
Yeah, that's a good thing to complain about.