7 Action Figures That Managed to Ruin Great Characters
Sometimes, the writers of a show, movie, comic book or whatever will put a lot of effort into creating an enigmatic character with an air of mystery surrounding it ... only to have the marketing department kill all the mystique by putting out a stupid action figure.
This happens way more often than you'd think, like in ...
Whether you think The Blair Witch Project is one the creepiest movies you've ever seen, or one of the most pointless (there's surprisingly little gray area on that scale), the one thing that made the movie stand out is that you never actually see the Witch herself. She doesn't appear anywhere in the 90ish minutes of the movie, nor the sequel, nor the piles of documentaries, video games and books that you never knew/cared about.
Above: the Blair Witch.
So when you really think about it, it's a bit creepier than, say, Jason or Freddy, because the likelihood of a sequel including a scene where she kills someone with a video game substantially decreases. It's a pretty solid movie monster premise -- each of us is forced to draw from the dark corners of our own psyche to imagine the horrific thing lurking in the woods. What could be scarier than that?
Except the marketing folks had to have an action figure.
Via Spawn.com
We feel the need to apologize for this.
So much for avoiding all the horror movie cliches. Fangs? Check. Claws? Check. Glowing red eyes? Check. Standard movie monster weapon? Check. Looks like the old lady that lives at your grandma's nursing home who always asks you to take care of her long-dead cats? Double check. To be fair, that's technically an "interpretation" of the Blair Witch designed by Spawn creator, Todd McFarlane, for his Movie Maniacs series. This was part of the fourth Movie Maniacs set, and that's clearly about the time he started running out of ideas.
Someone paid him to make the most boring, uninspired and disappointing representation of a horror icon ever. Maybe someone mentioned that, though, because he later released a second, even more WTF version.
Via Amazon.com
It's like Treebeard got it on with Swamp Thing.
Maybe the logic behind this one was that she could have been hiding in the background disguised as a tree the whole time, like Elmer Fudd or something. We also like the implication that this huge, monstrous tree-being goes around picking up twigs and leaving little signs on the ground to freak people out, as if she couldn't do that by just standing in front of them.
#6.
Cobra Commander, Destro and Snake Eyes from G.I. Joe
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Typically, the G.I. Joe cartoons and action figures existed in a symbiotic relationship. The cartoon sold the toys and new toys meant new characters on the show. But while the show wasn't airing new episodes in the early 90s, Hasbro needed a new way to print money. So, they came up with the G.I. Joe Hall of Fame series -- 12-inch-tall throwbacks to the original 60s era G.I. Joe toys but with characters from the 80s.
Photos.com
"The best part is that we don't have to come up with any new ideas."
And to keep the money wheel turning, they came up with a pretty clever gimmick: A major selling point for the figures was that that the Cobra Commander, Destro and Snake Eyes figures had removable masks. You could finally find out why they hell these guys needed to wear masks every damn place they went.
Via TFwiki.net
And yet no one gave a shit about Beach Head.
So if you (read: your parents) shelled out the money for them, what did you get? Behold the true forehead of Cobra Commander, international terrorist leader:
Via Ebay
... a goofy looking dude who apparently thinks he's a Wild West bandit giving a Spock brow. OK ... uh, so, how about Destro? Destro's got to have something cool under that chrome helmet, right?
Via Ebay
No, nope. He looks like the long-lost brother of Mario Lopez.
Which one is truly made of nonliving parts, here?
But surely Snake Eyes has something impressive going on. He's a good guy! Good guys are always handsome and awesome looking!
Via Wikipedia
Goddammit. It's a massive freaking cocktease. Thanks for the money, kid! Though it's probably for the best, because this is what Snake Eyes looks like without a mask in the comics:
"We'll make him into a toy and then make parents pay us to take him back!"
Speaking of horribly disfigured faces ...
Despite what you may have seen in the Fantastic Four films, Marvel actually has a strict moratorium against showing Dr. Doom's disfigured face in the comic books. Usually, when someone gets to look under his iron mask they end up regretting it.
"Also to clean all the puke from all the times I gross myself out."
Dr. Doom's origin establishes that his once handsome face was scarred in a college campus accident that he blames Reed Richards for; in some versions this was only a small scar at first, but he made it worse by stupidly placing the iron mask on his face before it cooled. So, why doesn't he just ask a doctor to fix him up? Well ...
Science has officially declared him hideous beyond repair.
So for 50 years they've never, ever, shown Doom's real face -- they've shown (in flashback sequences) the version with the little scar, and the movies showed his face literally turning into metal, but the disfigured version remains a mystery.
Unless you count action figures, that is.
Via Puzzlezoo.com
This Dr. Doom action figure has a fully removable mask and comes with three different faces: one is a robot face (that's actually one of Doom's robot duplicates), then there's the version with the small scar, just like in the flashbacks ...
Via ToyMania.com
Which makes him look like a 1920s gangster.
... and finally, there's the mythical disfigured version, which is actually ... you know what, it's not that bad.
Via MLTimelines.net
OK, sure, he's pretty ugly. But after all the buildup we sort of expected him to have a dick on his forehead or something. As far as horrible, unsightly disfigurements go, he got off pretty lightly -- compared to the Elephant Man he's still an Adonis. Turns out all those people screaming in terror at the sight of his face simply didn't like looking at chewing gum. There's actually another action figure that also reveals his face, and that one just makes him look like he has psoriasis.
Via TMNTToys.com
"Feast your eyes upon my slightly enflamed rash!"
While Cloverfield may have borrowed its marketing strategy from The Blair Witch Project, they did at least give up the goods with the monster a little bit. Throughout the movie, we get a couple of brief glimpses of the thing, but we never really get the whole shebang. The best look is at the ass-end of the movie (where the giant monster with Earth-shaking footsteps is somehow able to stealthily sneak up on our heroes), and even then, we only get an extreme close-up, and only for a few seconds.
But with the $150 collector's edition figure, you can look at it as much as you damn well please.
Via GearFuse.com
And then you can think about how you just spent a month's worth of groceries on that.
It's kind of ... not as impressive without the camera work and the selective lighting and the touch ups and oh god it sounds like we're talking about a fashion model. Except fashion models don't usually look so angry and spindly and oddly dirty. (Well, OK, maybe spindly).
It even comes with an extra head so you can give it that disappointed spouse look:
"I thought I asked you to take out the garbage yesterday."
The good news for weird fetishists everywhere is that it has tentacles. The good news for Internet comedy writers who go for cheap laughs is that from the right angle, they kind of look like they're coming out of its crotch like two tentacle-dicks.
Via MWCToys.com
In case you hadn't met your imagined monster-dong quota for the day.
Todd McFarlane joke: A child and a child molester are walking through a forest at night. The child turn to the child molester and says; "I'm scared!"
ReplyThe child molester turns to the child looking offended; "You're scared?! I have to walk back alone!"
#4 is an official health hazard: I started laughing so hard I went into an asthmatic seizure. Totally worth it, though!
ReplyWoah, wait a minute. That Todd McFarlane a*****e is the one who made spawn too? Did this guy do anything else I should know about?...
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesOh wait, that's Seth McFarlane who had his hand in seriously, like, 3/4 of all cartoon comedies Wrong guy.
Are they any relation though? Because if so I'm surprised they haven't joined forces in order to take over the world through withholding access to animation unless people bend to their will. First they'd begin by withholding family guy, demanding that if anyone wants to see it they have to come to the McFarlane 'compound'. Then they control their small army by shutting off access unless they do as they're told. There would be no danger of revolt, as that would mean no new family guy. From there they start cutting off all access to animation of any sort in small areas of asia, moving to larger and larger areas until the country folds. Don't pretend like we all don't know why asia would be the first to fold under an animation ban. From there they own a country; it wouldn't be long before they owned the world, enforcing their will through the World Peace Enforcers.
I can see it now; some poor dude sitting in his house, holding the notebook he got from that guy down at the docks, repeatedly flitting through the pages, his gaze transfixed on the progression of small, primitive drawings of a little man getting kicked in the balls repeatedly. It's the only way he can sate his animation cravings these days. He used to be able to settle with just doodles, but he needs a bigger fix now. His gaze breaks as pounding and a gruff yell is heard from outside his door "WPE, open up!". He jumps to his feet and runs to the bathroom, notebook in hand. Panicked, he begins ripping out pages and stuffing them into the toilet while slamming the handle. The toilet backs up. His mind is a blur. The pounding and yelling is getting louder and louder, like gunshots in his head. His stomach begins turning in knots, both due to the eminent threat outside the door, and the shreds of paper now filling his stomach like a grotesque stuffing. He gags. There's no way he can get it all down. Only one option is left. The sound of the door splintering followed by heavy footsteps coming towards the bathroom pushes him into action; he reaches under the sink and wets the disconcertingly large lump of paper still left, then bends over...
Anyways, they'd make drugs legal so that people would want to watch stupid cartoons even more. It would almost be like our current attitude on drugs taken to the opposite extreme; weed wouldn't just be gaining support and becoming more acceptable, it would actually be law that people had to use it (even though the police usually wouldn't bother for individual non-use; they'd only care about groups that encouraged non-use and rings providing drugs that fought the effects of thc). Many foods would be required by law to be fortified with THC, which would help both the government AND the food companies. Kids who wanted to be cool would NOT smoke weed, since that's the opposite of what their parents wanted them to do, and it would make them stand out from the other kids at school and seem rebellious, at least until the police show up and scare them straight. Medical non-marijuana use (abstaining from marijuana use for medical reasons) would be a big issue, with the world government cracking down on countries who tried to make medical non-marijuana use legal.
Of course other, harder drug use would be legally required as much if not more so since if they can't get people hooked on animation then god damn it they can get them hooked on hard drugs. There would be safe (non) use centers set up around with nurses on staff to help people who have decided to make the personal decision to not-use and go through withdrawal do so safely. Some say that's just encouraging non-use, but they're going to not use anyways, so we may as well reduce the harms associated with it. There would be clinics around that would be set up to help people who were clean slowly wean themselves back into use. That's tough to do after years of non-use. One's body just becomes so use to the absence of drugs. Too much and it'll make the non-user sick, too little and it will defeat the purpose and may well decrease the tolerance they've worked to build up.
Man, I'm getting lost in my thoughts here. I'm going to stop now, but still, the McFarlanes have that s**t in the bag. They should make me their right hand man when they take over the world. Come to think of it they should, I'd probably be one of their biggest supporters considering the last two (illegitimate) paragraphs.
I bet you thought you were SOOOO funny writing this. Stop trying so hard to be "from the internet"
I stopped after the first paragraph.
cool story bro
I can't believe it. Seeing what the Blair Witch looks like is weird. I prefer the tree version better.
ReplyAction figures never look right. Even the ones that are supposedly made by scanning an actual person's face and body look nothing like them.
ReplyTodd McFarlane is a hack extraordinaire.
The Blair Witch ones...are literally not even related to the Blair Witch Project. Which I actually thought was terrifying, my dad had me watch it alone in a tent in our woods.
ReplyAnd I kinda feel like that action figure ruined it.
Seeing Dr. Claws face has ruined my childhood and my life.
ReplyFor the past 15 years, I have been smoking like a fiend to try and get my voice right, while also attempting to get a criminal organization of my own off the ground. I even cut off my hand and have been working on a claw replacement (though I wish I had made it BEFORE removing the hand)
Now I have nothing to live for.
"dissapointed spouse face" for the cloverfield monster = lolz til I hiccuped.
Replyi know , right!
Never understood why action figures are so popular. On the one hand, boys ridicule girls for playing with dolls and barbies but on the other hand they play with the male versions of barbie ... and it doesn't stop when they grow up. They buy figures of all sorts and put them on the shelf, still in their packaging ... at least, as a boy, they "played" with it (banging them against each other and making noises) but now they just put them on the shelf pretending that they are investments of sorts even though they know pretty damn well that they won't ever sell them anyway.
ReplyI buy them simply because they make great wall decorations. I have one wall filled with Hellraiser, Macfarlane, Ozzy, Alice Cooper and Iron Maiden and another with Simpsons, Visionaries, Super Naturals and Tortured Souls. The rest of my place Has Aliens, Predators, and Kill Bill. Lastly, by my computer, I have an Gogo from Kill Bill and Tia Dalma from Pirates of the Caribbean.
It looks pretty awesome actually :) I really don't care about their value.
Another good one: Titanium Soundwave. Real odd boy, that one. The original Soundwave toy looks and moves fine, even for today, though he is a bit boxy. Titanium Soundwave can barely stand up and has a crotch the size of his entire torso.
Replytell me about it. to be honest though, all the Titanium 6" figures look kinda...funny. either that or they have some kind of engineering problem.
Oh, another Transformers one. Not quite as egregious as the Phantasm, but still there.
In Transformers Animated, one of the major plot points of the show is that there's a spy working among the Autobots on Cybertron. This becomes the focus of an entire episode, during a long flashback that generally hints it to be the local (bizarrely skilled) bully, Wasp, who's recently escaped prison after being accused of being a spy. The episode's big twist comes when you discover that Wasp was innocent and is now an insane rogue element, and the real spy is the innocuous Longarm, who, as it turns out, is Shockwave shapeshifted. It was a genuine surprise for a lot of fans... but not for anyone who so much as looked at the the Shockwave toy's box and learned that it could turn into Longarm.
Admittedly, it's not as bad as the others, because it was revealed over the course of one episode rather than the whole series, and it's brought up a lot afterward. But come on.
The second pic of the Clover field monster just makes it look adorable. Almost imagine it begging for food at midnight.
ReplyJust don't feed him, or other monsters will sprout from his back. Also don't throw water on him.
Actually, once the shock from the actioon figure wore out I found out that Dr. Claw's face doesn't look so bad when it's on a drawing. And imagining him with his signature voice makes it better.
ReplyHowever, the mystery was more enjoyable.
I was hoping Dr. Claw would be on this list. BTW my Hispanic friends got me into Saint Seiya, so yeah. I know all about it
ReplyClaw is on the list dweeb...
@Sean yeah, that's what he was pointing out... he's happy that it's on the list seeing as he was hoping it would be on the list when he initially clicked it.. dweeb
Dr. Claw looks like he is going through a prostate exam at this exact moment.
ReplyNow what I want to see is an action figure of Ms. Sara Bellum from The Powerpuff Girls. And don't dare to use the same model used to make the Barbie dolls !!
You actually get to briefly see a closed eye and her mouth in one episode. "Powerpuff Girls Rule" if I recall correctly.
WHAT THE f**k? Why do all these characters look retarded when they make the transition to action figuredom? ESPECIALLY Dr. Claw.
ReplyAlso, it might be hard to believe, I was actually planning to watch Mask of Phantasm. I wanted to see some of the DC animated movies after I picked up Death of Superman...
The batman ones are all pretty good, especially Return of the Joker and the most recent one Under the Red Hood.
Dr. Claw kind of looks like a disfigured gadget
ReplyIf you ignore the hair and expression, they have the same long face
I was expecting Megatron's figure to be on this list. He had a huge plastic dick.
Replyif anyone didnt click on the dr claw fan theory, DO SO RIGHT NOW!! thats freaking awesome!!
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesThat should totally have been the cannon ending.
It's spelled canon. Unless... maybe I really do need to read that fan theory.
Definitely read it, it's goood
I thought the Destro fig. was Steven Seagal. Great article!
ReplyWhy would they do that to Dr. Claw? That's just wrong. Also, cool theory deviantart guy.
Reply