Why Humanity Can't Get Past The 7 Deadly Sins
Ever since the Bible invented them, humanity has had just the damndest time kicking the seven vices known as deadly sins. Until now.
After months spent firming up our moral center and strengthening our resolve, we created a really boring training montage and, more importantly for our purposes here, the following game plan for fighting each of humanity's most common vices. Let's begin with one that we're all familiar with ...
#7.
Lust
Excessive desires of a sexual nature.
You crave sex so much that you can't stop chasing women, wasting hours on Internet porn and dry-humping anything that's even slightly warm. All of your energy is devoted to getting as much ass as you can as often as you can get it.
The Cure!
Lose that energy! Your problem is that all of your attention and abilities are focused on sex, so you just need to purge yourself of all that deviant endurance. Remove all of your motivation and reduce yourself to an unmoving lump of apathy. Problem solved.
Oh, wait ... dammit! It looks like all of that lust-purging has rendered you guilty of ...
#6.
Sloth
Laziness, indifference and the failure to utilize your gifts.
You sit around all day, wallowing in your own filth and sometimes you go for days without moving. You are just a pile of worthlessness.
The Cure!
What you need is a goal. Nothing motivates someone to get out of a slump like a goal. Find something that you want and go for it! Take your neighbor for instance. Look at his fancy car, and that fancy, smokin' hot wife of his. Sure, they're nice, but wouldn't they be nicer if they were yours? (Yes.) So pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get some of your own!
Well, I didn't mean literally take his wife, it was a metaphor for wanting a similar-
Hang on a second. Don't stare too hard at her, I know you want the wife but if you're not careful you'll be guilty of ...
#5.
Envy
An insatiable desire, usually accompanied by a resentfulness of anyone who has the object you desire.
Well, here you are. You want her so bad that you've gone and committed another sin. You've got all of your own physical needs met, but you STILL want to take something that belongs to your neighbor, and that's no good.
The Cure!
Sure, your neighbor's wife is hot, but you've got plenty of good things going for you, why not build on that? Instead of focusing on your neighbor's stuff, just work on your own. Take your house and polish it up real nice, make it the nicest house on the block! Fix your car up, make it run like a dream, so you'll be the envy of the neighborhood! Go out and have a paradoxical amount of perfect children.
Pretty soon, your neighbor's wife and car will look like sacks of wet garbage next to all of your trophies! But, hey, there's no reason for you to go and actually buy trophies for yourself ... sort of looks like you might run into the sin of ...
#4.
Greed
An excess of wealth, status and/or power.
You just had to have everything, didn't you? You had to go out and buy the biggest TV, the loudest toys, the fanciest clothes, didn't you? Had to make sure everyone in town knew that you had the biggest dick, huh? Well, way to go, Smart Guy, because you've committed another deadly sin.
The Cure!
Get rid of those material possessions, you don't need them. All you need in order to have a fulfilling life is yourself. You don't need a bunch of expensive gadgets to keep you happy, the secret to happiness lives within you.
Oh, oh crap, I know where this is going.
THE TRUTH, IT LIVESSSSSSSSSSSSSSs
ReplyHehe.. Seems nobody in the comments figured out from the tone that this was not real commentary, as much it was just a joke.. I thought it was pretty good, as it was only a few minutes read with the abundance of images.
ReplyPride's on there twice. You're missing envy.
ReplyYou should probably read the damned article before commenting on it.
the 7 deadly sins are NOT from the Bible, they were invented by a monk in a monestary to help humanity with temptations. Get your facts straight at least.
ReplyI always thought that the whole concept of the seven deadly sins was flawed to begin with. Yes, none of these emotions are ideal, but they're just that- emotions. It's completely natural to experience them each in turn at some point in one's life. What matters is how you respond to them- I don't think it's fair to make little Catholic kids feel guilty for being human.
ReplyBut if you do separate yourself from your seven deadly sins, then you run the risk of getting the beat down from some blonde runt and a suit of armor. So would it really be worth it?
ReplyHm. Cracked is going a bit too far from satire to reality.
ReplyGreed isn't having to much, it's wanting to much and doing whatever you can to acquire it.
ReplyTOO.
I'm Catholic, but this was pretty funny. Not the best, but still good.
ReplyCue useless debate... NOW!!!
ReplyMeh, this only makes me glad I'm not an Xian.
ReplyI got news for you Malachai, non-Christians aren't immune to lust, pride, envy, gluttony, sloth, greed and wrath, Sorry bout that, buds.
I loved the last one.
ReplyEverything in moderation?
ReplyA swing and a miss on this one, guys. The article was too...I dunno, sanitized? edited?
Still though, "A" for effort. :)
i think its more along the lines of excursiveness than the actual thing itself. excessive gluttony = death. excessive pride = death or people hating you for being an ass. Excessive lust = death by STD. Excessive Wrath = prison for murder. Excessive laziness = death/poverty. you get the idea? Some of the Opposites are Love, Acceptance, ect.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesGod forgives slip ups, but nature hates excess.
Wait, am I misunderstanding? Why does nature hate excess? It obviously doesn't hate things that have excess. A squirrel has excess food in its stash? Well then it'll survive the winter and still have some left over. A deer has excess kids? Well then there' s a better chance at least a few of them will survive and be healthy. A bear has excess fat? If it unexpectedly can't find food it won't starve.
I mean, obviously in nature it's the absolute best to just have as much exactly as much as one needs, as then they didn't waste any energy getting more than necessary, but having more than necessary would be way better than having less from a natural perspective.
Again though, maybe I'm misunderstanding you.
Preparation is not excess. Storing nuts for winter is necessary to survive the winter. The bear needs the extra fat to keep warm and maintain extended periods of dormancy. It all lies in the perceived definition of excess. Excess, as in more than required for the present time being, such as what you have described, are all methods of survival. Excess, in the terms of collecting or consuming more than is necessary without a purpose, can be wasteful, selfish, or destructive. So I guess I am trying to say, excess becomes dangerous when it is without purpose.
But nature hates excess, because it is all held in delicate balance. The plants and animals and water levels and gas concentrations are very precise. Too much of something can upset this balance, and nature will tie up loose ends however it can.
Its like the native Americans attuning themselves to their environment, only comprehensible.
So true...
ReplyPeople really need to chill. "Oh, it's not 100% correct!" You know what? Nobody gives a flying fuck. Especially if it's funny. End of discussion. No more arguing about whether the deadly sins were invented by God or the Church, or whether they exist. It's the comments section of satire site, not a religious board, or academic society. Thank you. That is all.
ReplyGreat ending!
ReplyExcellent segways!
ReplyWhomever have put this up on the web is someone I feel dearly sorry about...
Reply Hide All See All 19 RepliesThe use of God's name, in vain, is a BIG SIN.
And also the whole moral of this story, which any person can identify as a mockery of God's word, is also very WRONG!
Take heed in what I say here; this is profoundly false.
Thank you
The 10 Commandments were laws passed down to Moses as rules for his people, if you take the time to actually read Exodus. Other people, even God-fearing ones, are in fact exempt, though there is a more lenient set of rules for those who worship, but are not Hebrew in descent.
Check your grammar and syntax. Is English your native language?
If the author really cared about that stuff, do you think he'd have written it in the first place? Regardless, this is a *satirical* website. So yeah, let's chill.
Trolololololololololololol alert
Oh f**k off, idiot. The only Biblical reference to seven sins are a proud look, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plots, feet that are swift to run into mischief, a deceitful witness that uttereth lies, him that soweth discord among brethren.. Which are profoundly different. The sins we're talking about were invented by a monk in the 4th century called Evagrius Ponticus.
So it's not God's word, it man's word. Dickhead.
Why the hell are reading Cracked articles?
Oh really? Well...
God, god, god, god, god, god, god, god.
Lord, lord, lord,lord, lord, lord, lord.
That's weird! No plagues of locusts!
G*ddamned Motherfkkker
Its a comedy site,for one,and for two,who cares?
Take your churchy &ss to the promisekeepers website or some other bullsh1t site with that trash.
We come here to laugh.If I wanted someone to "save" me,Id ask
Stop sucking up the internet
Well believing on god (GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD) is looked down on too. Gasp? will listen up.
1)god has been scientifically disproven. Now believing in him isn't too bad. Kinda like believing in Batman, but less awesome.
1.1)To be fair, his existence isn't fully impossible, but it is proven that it wasn't a god that made the universe. So there COULD be a god, but then he'd be the guy just watching while physics does the work. that would make GOD a SINNER, guilty of SLOTH
2) 1 John 4:1 "Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world" (I posted it for you since a surprising number of people like you know absolutely nothing about the bible.) John warns against blindly believing in deities. And since there's no proof in god, and only proof for the contrary, your blindly believing in an unproven deity. So have fun in Hell, sinner. I'll see you there after I'm done saying god (GOD GOD GOD JESUS CHRIST GOD GOD)
And I notice that you yourself used the name of God in vain. Which is a sin. Oh, and you said it while telling us not to say it, which makes you a hypocrite. Which is a sin. "And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites" - Mathew 6.5, one of the many lines in Mathew 6 telling you not to be a hypocrite. Which you are. Man you just keep racking those sins up. But look on the bright side: you can save money on sweaters, since I hear its real hot where you're going
Plankie, you have won Satire. You won it so hard, that they can't even tell its satire. I love cracked, but sometime its readers can be so thick. Here, take this, its the key to the city for winning satire.
Taking God's name in vain means more than saying "Goddamit!" It also means if you use the name of God for asinine reasons, like the king saying "you disobey me, you disobey God!" Or people like you swinging religion around like a dick to tell everyone off. God sees through humanity and understands they aren't perfect, which is exactly why Christ lived among humanity, taught them how to live properly, and died for humanity's sins.
Debating religion? C'mon guys, this Cracked!! WTF?
I was suprised at first, surefire.
Using God's name in vain means to make an oath in the name of God and not follow through. "swearing" doesn't count as an oath.
fag
You're happy to call yourself a Christian and the rest of us sinners when there's a discussion on sin but you probably don't go to church and only pray when you want something or you're stuck in s**t creek without a paddle. I like your honesty though- at least you admit you are false.
Jesus loves you, everybody else thinks you're an arsehole
Timothy made a very good point. Slightly incorrect, but very good nonetheless. By far better than what Plankie said.
Also, jonbar, there is evidence of the existence of a Creator.
But come on, it is a comedy website.
that little dude was cute
ReplyThe wife was hot too. Oops, there's lust again...