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17 Images That Will Ruin Your Childhood

#6.
And Now, Please Rise for the Congressman's Reading of "Rape Me"

The Child Saw:

Ah, Nirvana. If you were born a little later, it wasn't the Beastie Boys who were the sound of teenage rebellion, it was these guys.

Well, hell, it's certainly better to wind up like the salt-and-pepper Beastie Boys up there than the now 16-years-dead Kurt Cobain. By the way, here's his baby daughter, Frances Bean:

Looking at that first picture ... obviously Dave Grohl on the left is still famous and rocking. Whatever happened to that guy in the middle? The bassist? What was his name?

Ruined By:

That's Washington state committeeman Krist Novoselic. He spoke at the Libertarian Party's national convention in 2006 and ran for Wahkiakum County clerk.

If the Beastie Boys were playing grizzled old detectives in a cop show, Novoselic would play the high-priced defense attorney. Granted, he does still play music every now and then (Grohl had him play some bass for the Foo Fighters), and he blogs for Seattle Weekly, when he's not politely applauding other distinguished men while wearing a tie.

I guess seeing people grow up and move on bothers me because it makes me feel like I should also grow up, and put on a tie, and politely applaud people. That's why I personally prefer guys who take the Mick Jagger and Ozzy Osbourne route, rocking until they're old enough for a nursing home.

#5.
"They Have the Loveliest Boutiques in This Neighborhood ..."

The Child Saw:

For instance, say what you want about Metallica being dicks about the file-trading stuff (or maybe it's just their drummer), but dammit, they're out there playing metal same as they were in the Ride the Lightning days of 1984.

Of course they are! Rock is in your blood, man! You can't tame it!

Ruined By:

Oh, hey, there's Mr. Hetfield out shopping in Milan, probably carrying the cost of your next two cars in that Armani shopping bag.

The money isn't the point -- we expect rock stars to be rich. It's just, you know, we kind of expect them to blow it all on lavish parties and cocaine. It's when you see guys like him as they are -- that is, as very wealthy, middle-aged businessmen with lucrative investments and expensive tastes -- that you think back to the Bugs Bunny Screwball Character diagram earlier. You wonder how much of the rocker image was cultivated from a template, everything calculated for the maximum audience impact and financial return.

All of those long-haired teenage kids in their bedrooms, lip-syncing the songs into a mirror and working out their angst, all wearing black Metallica T-shirts that represent one row on some merchandising executive's Excel spreadsheet.

Though I have to admit, the guy looks good. Hey, let's go find Axl Rose ...

#4.
Appetite for ... Ah, Forget It

The Child Saw:

This man could have opened a chain of used panty stores.

Ruined By:

Yep, that's Axl last year, not your uncle singing at the county fair in his Guns N Roses tribute band.

Hey, you know who never seems to age? Prince.

#3.
Prince is Due for an Upgrade

The Child Saw:

Hell, we just saw him at the Super Bowl in early 2007. The dude looked as capable of challenging our heterosexuality as the day he stepped onto the scene.

Ruined By:

I don't know the context of the above photo -- maybe Prince is just really lazy. But stories have persisted for years that he needs hip-replacement surgery, on both hips, because it turns out you can't wear high heels and do the splits every night for 30 years without destroying your joints.

He apparently won't have the surgery because of his religious beliefs (Jehovah's Witnesses don't believe in blood transfusions), so he gets by on painkillers and a walking stick.

Sigh. Well, we're all going to get older. We could post old celebrities all day. That would just be belaboring the point.

OK, one more.

#2.
Arnold

The Child Saw:

It's easy to forget that Arnold wasn't exactly a kid when he made Predator up there in 1987 -- he was already 40, and looking better at 40 than 99.7 percent of humanity looks at 20.

Ruined By:

He's 63 -- what's he supposed to look like? He could probably still beat the shit out of us.

But why the thong, Arnold? Why the thong?

Because he's Arnold goddamned Schwarzenegger, that's why, and there isn't anybody who'd say shit about it to his face. Nothing depressing about that.

No, it's only depressing because you realize that in the very foreseeable future, long before the world is full of robots and flying cars, the Terminator is going to die of old age.

Time moves on. It's the circle of life and all that. For instance ...

#1.
Nickelodeon Just Blue Itself

The Child Saw:

What kid who grew up in the 90s didn't want to work at this place when he grew up? The 1990s were the golden age of kids' game shows, usually involving the loser getting doused in some kind of (probably highly toxic) green slime. Nickelodeon built that studio in Orlando back in 1989 to film all of those shows and used to give guided tours through what had to be the wackiest place on Earth.

Ruined By:

It's now a modern, stately building that any retiree would be proud to have in his neighborhood.

The studio closed after nearly 15 years back in 2005, when everybody stopped watching those game shows and liability mounted as child after child was accidentally killed [citation needed]. It sat empty for two years.

Now it's a theater where Blue Man Group performs. You can decide whether that's more or less depressing.

Time marches on. It's not like we have a Zoltar machine like in Big that will turn us all into kids again.

Besides, if you go to that Big amusement park now you'll find that Zoltar has been replaced by a Pepsi vending machine.

Ah, you can't stop progress. Where's my goddamned tie?

Speaking of progress, Cracked's new Star Wars mini-series is a huge step forward for all mankind.

David is the Senior Editor of Cracked.com and the author of John Dies at the End, which is soon to be a motion picture. You an also see his work in the New York Times Bestselling Cracked book.

And check out more from Wong in How 'The Karate Kid' Ruined The Modern World and 5 Reasons It's Still Not Cool to Admit You're a Gamer.

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