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#3.
Condom Glasses (Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes of TLC)

Yes, you lose a little depth perception with the condom glasses, but it's a small price to pay in order to send a very clear and absolutely honest message to your potential partner: "I intend to fuck any second, without warning... possibly while reading something."

If you wear those glasses while asking someone out and they still say yes, they automatically agree to have sex with you. There's no mistaking it. Unfortunately, Lisa Lopes was the only human with big enough balls to wear them.

What Caught On Instead:

Horn rimmed glasses (Rivers Cuomo of Weezer).

We're blaming Weezer because the lead singer was doing it back in the 1990s "before it was cool," and he's still doing it today. But we're giving an honorable mention to the now cancelled TV series Heroes, that had a main character who was actually referred to as "HRG" for "Horned Rimmed Glasses."

There is a small percentage of the world's population who do look good with this fad - Rivers Cuomo simply doesn't look the same without them. However, it makes the remaining 99% of humans look like pretentious assholes.

#2.
Missy Elliot's Inflated Bag Suit

The sunglasses/helmet combo alone is badass enough for us to be sad that Missy Elliot's fashions never made it into working society. But that bag suit... how fun would that be to walk around in? Built in air conditioning for the summer? Built in heat for the winter? You could wear it in any weather, as rain and snow would just slide off.

And if you got tired of walking, just drop and bounce to wherever you have to go. Man, we can't tell you how much fun we'd have just bouncing and flopping all over the damn place. There would be no more sadness in the world if everybody wore this. And you know you'd be nude under there.

What Caught On Instead:

Big, puffy "gangsta" coats.

Poor kids in the 1970s and 80s had to wear these big, stupid puffy coats, and we hated them. It could be ten degrees below zero outside, and we'd still sweat under all that material. They made swishing sounds when we walked, and you could never find the damn zipper under all that fluff.

We're sorry, but if I were to get lost and wind up in the very worst neighborhood in all of the United States, and some guy approached me with a gun and that coat... I'd probably pat him on the head, give him a piece of hard candy, and tell him to run along back home before it got too dark out. His mom is probably worried sick.

#1.
Dong Socks (Red Hot Chili Peppers, Again)

Our prudish society is so unready for the "it's just a sock on my dick" fashion that we had to pixelate the photo of it being worn. That is criminal.

Let's just skip right past the "absolute freedom" part because that's fairly obvious, and get straight to the practicality of the Red Hot Chili Peppers' sock fashion. We'd only need two types: black for business affairs/job interviews and white for casual wear. No more dressers taking up space in our bedrooms because a single milk crate could hold your entire wardrobe. Every time we bought a pair, we'd get two outfits. We could literally do an entire week's worth of laundry in our bathroom sink.

Of course when it's cold, we'd have to switch to sports socks, and there is no female version. That's probably why it never took off.

What Caught On Instead:

Axl Rose's Spandex bike shorts.

You are exactly as naked with spandex as you would be with the sock. Every nook and cranny of your body is terrifyingly visible, right down to the exact length, girth, and compass position of your penis. Yet these made it into mainstream fashion, while the sock remained strictly footwear.

That's right; we don't have to pixelate that one. Take a good, long look. When your kids, present or future, ask you what is wrong with the world, we want you to show them this.

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