6 Romantic Movie Gestures That Can Get You Prison Time
#3.
Watching Your True Love From the Bushes
As Seen In: Twilight: Eclipse, Untamed Heart, Addicted To Love
Will Get You: Up to five years in prison.
What better way to show someone you love them than pay them a lot of attention? Even when they don't know you're paying attention to them?
If movies are to be believed, there's nothing a beautiful woman finds more adorably romantic than a young man watching her lovingly from behind a row of bushes. In Untamed Heart, Christian Slater wins Marisa Tomei's love after he saves her from two rapists who attack her after following her part of the way home from work. Which doesn't sound too bad, until you find out that he's able to carry her unconscious body the rest of the way home because he's been following her home from work too.
When she goes to his place later to thank him, she finds out he has stolen pictures of her and put them up on the wall of his Unabomber-like hovel. Creeped out, she leaves, only to wake up two days later to find that he has snuck in through a window at night and decorated a Christmas tree in her room while she slept. Of course she reacts the way any woman would: with a shriek of joy and an offer of sex.
Things aren't much different if you break into a woman's room simply to watch her sleep, or disable her car to prevent her from visiting other men, as Edward Cullen does in the Twilight movies in order to "protect" his true love Bella. Which is a good thing, because otherwise she might start hanging around with creepy dudes or something.
Marriage material!
In reality:
Of course, a woman's reaction to your pushing the boundaries of acceptable behavior might vary according to whether or not you look like this:
If you don't, well, stalking is illegal everywhere, and can become a felony punishable with up to five years in jail if there is aggravating circumstances like the victim being a minor (we're looking at you, Cullen) or if it's a repeated offense. And since women in romantic comedies usually take at least six months to recognize the true love they do indeed possess for Matthew McConaughey, that one's almost inevitable.
Of course, if you take it to the next step and sneak into a crush's dwelling to leave rose petals on their bed or some such (see Runaway Bride, where Julia Roberts breaks into Richard Gere's hotel, or 2010's When in Rome, when an amorous street magician breaks into Kristen Bell's house to charm her with a trick) you're in for a whole different realm of legal trouble.
If there are two things women love, it's magic tricks and home invasion.
Penalties for breaking and entering vary by location and type, with the crime considered more serious if the building you break into is occupied or if the crime is committed at night. You could be looking at prison time even if the cops catch you before you can place that severed finger on her bed.
#2.
Defending Her Honor - With Your FISTS
As seen in: Bridget Jones 1 and 2, Valley Girl, Pretty in Pink, Wedding Crashers, Only You
Will Get You: Anything from a fine to several years in prison, depending on injuries and circumstances.
Sometimes it's just a single, well-aimed punch. Other times, the hero must prove his dominance over his romantic rival by beating the living balls out of him. This technique is particularly popular with the British, as shown in Bridget Jones 2: The Edge of Reason, in which Bridget's boyfriend forcibly drags her ex-lover Hugh Grant out of a building, punches him, pushes him into a fountain and attempts to drown him, all while delighted passersby watch and applaud.
Two titanic athletes, locked in mortal combat.
Or in Valley Girl, where Nic Cage and a friend gang up on a rival and shower blows on him, eventually dragging the guy off-screen semi-conscious. Or in pretty much any movie in which a male character is douchey enough.
Admit it. This picture makes you want to cheer, just a little.
In reality:
This has got to be the movie trope with the most unrealistic consequences since the first action star dived behind a kitchen counter and used it as a magical bullet-shield. Beating the shit out of someone is totally a crime, guys, even when you had a great reason or won the love of a woman.
Now, in true movie style, everyone always ends up fine and without so much as a broken nose - even in the case of Hugh Grant in Bridget Jones, who is punched out by Mr. Darcy and hits the pavement, unconscious. That's probably why nobody goes to jail for fighting in the movies, since everything functions under the laws of Wile E Coyote physics. In reality, this is a particularly good way of accidentally killing someone by shattering the back of their skull. And yes, they will charge you with manslaughter even if you were defending a lady. Also, keep in mind that if your victim has a medical condition that you don't know about and dies as a result of rough treatment on your part, it's on you.
Now, we're not saying that you should not try to emulate Buzz Aldrin and deliver righteous punches when they're called for. But if it's done in the name of someone you love, just make sure that they're willing to wait for you in prison first.
#1.
Pranking a Rival by Doctoring His Drink
As Seen In: Wedding Crashers, Addicted to Love
Will Get You: Two to 10 years in prison, possible attempted murder charge.
OK, so you don't want to go to jail for manslaughter. What about something slightly more subtle to bring down your romantic rival? The characters of Wedding Crashers carry out the presumably harmless prank of spiking a dickish rival's drink with eye drops while the dude has his eyes closed in prayer. Their stunt is successful, allowing Owen Wilson to zero in on his girlfriend while the douche is in the bathroom throwing up.
It's also not uncommon for females in romantic movies to use this trick to overpower their rivals. Addicted to Love, a 1997 Meg Ryan movie that we're now realizing literally fulfils almost every category on this list, also features this trick. Meg hides crushed strawberries under her ex's pillow, causing him to break out in an embarrassing skin rash and sabotaging his modeling career.
Really, the whole film is a perfect guide for how not to do relationships.
In reality:
Assault by attempted poisoning gets you two to 10 years in prison, depending on the jurisdiction. A woman in Portland got three years for putting rat poison in her husband's tacos, and he didn't die or anything. A 17-year-old girl in Florida was recently sentenced to six months in jail for spiking a teacher's drink with LSD, despite the fact that LSD alone has never caused a human fatality and usually has affects much less serious than even vomiting in a toilet.
Sure, you're saying, but the dudes in Wedding Crashers just put some eye drops in the drink as a wacky prank. Ah, actually a Florida woman did that to a coworker and was charged with poisoning, even though the victim didn't drink it. It turns out spiking a drink with eye drops can lead to dangerously low blood pressure, rectal bleeding and a coma.
But at least the strawberry prank is harmless, right? Well, no. You can be charged with anything up to attempted murder for attacking someone with something you know they're allergic to. If that sounds like an extreme reaction to something as harmless as berries, remember that strawberry allergies can sometimes lead to anaphylactic shock, and Meg's stunt could easily have been fatal.
On the plus side, late 90s Meg Ryan would rock the hell out of an orange jump suit.
Damn, guys. It's almost like the law doesn't believe in romance any more.
Read more from C. Coville at bloodslides.livejournal.com
Once you go to jail you'll need a way out, so check out 6 Insane Prison Escapes That Actually Happened. Or learn about the prisoners not content to just sit around, in 5 People Who Changed the World From Inside of Prison.
And stop by Linkstorm to find out what happens in jail once you get there.
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they actually did show a more realistic end to the 'defending a lady' trope in con air.
Replyi've not seen it in years, but isn't that why nic cage is in prison? for beating hell out of the dudes hassling his girlfriend?
the female-on-male rape thing always bothered me too. green arrow suffered a similar ordeal + black canary likewise acts like he's cheated on her (he was drugged + near death).
no wonder it's underreported, if that's the prevailing attitude.
Fantastic article, especially when the OP called out female on male rape (according to the CDC it's alot higher than 2% but what the hell). Just a couple of points:
ReplyRape by fraud: I completely agree that they guy who pretended to be the women's partner should do whatever time he gets. But the case in Jerusalem, it wasn't just that he lied about his religion, he lied about his wealth too. I gather the case has since been overturned, but wouldn't a law enforcing it send a message that racism and objectification are acceptable? When women enhance their appearance to pander to the male gaze its certainly not considered a crime, why should the reverse be true?
Assault: Ok, being in love is no excuse for beating someone up. But in the back to the future example Biff was trying to rape wassername. Whatzizface probably wouldn't be arrested for stopping a crime in progress unless he continued beating him until he was dead.
Saying something is "definitely" true then using Wikipedia for the reference is a fail. There's nothing "definite" (or "true", for that matter) about Wikipedia.
ReplyI didn't think Edward Cullen (Or any other Cullen for that fact.) was all that handsome. Or cute. In fact, the best thing I can say about any of them is that they were't horribly deformed.
ReplyHonestly I think they should limit some of the assault charge stuff.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesBecause some people do need a good arse whipping.
Maybe some people need a good ass beating sometimes,but they dont need to die because of it.
Unless they are child molesters.
But some people also are very willing to give one to a person who doesn't deserve it. I swear some people work out and learn how to fight for the ability to be unreasonable assholes without anyone calling them on it because it's not worth dying for.
Like unabombers.
//But if it's done in the name of someone you love, just make sure that they're willing to wait for you in prison first.//
ReplyLike in Con Air.
In many parts of the world you will never go to prison if you get into a fight and if the motive is a woman, the rest of the people will help you out with the offender. Then he will go to prison and people will rape him there to hit a woman in public... so sad that people that hit women do it in his house and most of the times it is her father, husband or even his own son...
ReplyIn many parts of the world, they know how to write in plain English. What is the point that you are trying to get across? It is bad to hit women? You radical!
Not to mention that people who hit men will almost certainly get away with it. Hell, under VAWA they could put *him* in jail if he looked for police protection.
definitely the most underreported statistic. Especially since it's technically rape if you're drunk and your partner instigates the act.
ReplyTo be fair, the horrific tripe that is Con Air did have the main character in jail for 8 years for killing a dude trying to rape his wife.
ReplyI'm not sure if the Back to the Future punch should be entered, considering George McFly was actually defending Lorraine from rape. I'm pretty sure that's more serious than punching someone.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesYeah, wouldn't that be considered self-defense? (Well, not "self" defense, but you know what I mean)
I think Marty could still technically be charged, but the prosecutor would be HIGHLY motivated to either plea bargain or drop charges, as no jury is going to side with the rapist.
The prosecutor probably wouldn't bother filing charges, since no one was permanently hurt and McFly didn't push the issue past the blows needed to rescue Lorraine.
Biff, on the other hand, would be in a world of hurt.
Yes, where was the distinction between defending a lady, defending a ladies honor, and defending a person from an assault. I think that if you punch a guy out, and he falls to the ground unconcious, and then dies of a fractured cranium and resulting brain injuries, then you are going to have some manslaughter charges to answer. Your noble intentions will, no doubt, be considered for leiniency in sentencing.
Here in Florida [and probably many other states], it is legal to use DEADLY FORCE to stop a rape.
prove that hollywood knows nothing about real life, which probably explains why a lot of hollywood stars have s**t loads of problems... :-/
ReplyI don't care how hot Edward Cullen is, if I found out a creepy wannabe vampire was watching me sleep I'd be getting a restraining order!
Replyhonor and chivalry may be a crime in the u.s, but not in other parts of the world. specially if youre helping a (female) stranger from an assailant.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesNo, no I'm cool with being helped by a person if someone else was trying to beat me up or rape me, I won't snitch.. I'm just not okay with being stalked.
Way to go "other parts of the world"!
Most of these they didn't punch the guy for assaulting the woman they beat the guy up for insulting the woman.
You seem to be confused. There are no laws preventing a man to use force to protect a woman from assault. But it is generally illegal to assault another person for using naughty words that my offend a woman's honor.
As long as sleep rape isn't from a fat chick, I'm good with it.
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesim sure youre safe from just about any sized chick.
What if you got an STD from her? would you still good with it?
or got her pregnant and then landed with the lifetime bill..
As men we are brought up to think that any sex is good sex. How healthy is this really? Think about what you just said and your own personal safety, you may not know it but you're a victim of your gender.
Just so you know, the Mr. Darcy they are refering to is Oscar- winner Colin Firth.
ReplyActually, the Israeli case you mentioned didn't go that way. It was a speculation by the media, but after the trial was over and the actual details went out it was revealed he was convicted of brutally raping her in an elevator.
ReplyTotal bullsht. It was not speculation and the actual charge was rape by deception.
f**k Twilight. Vampires don't sparkle.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesI don't wanna go looking for it, but you know someone on here tried to defend Edward Cullen, somewhere in the comments... Man, and to believe I used to be a Twilight fan... until I turned 17 and realized that not only was the book crap, but that that was the most unhealthy relationship in the world...
As unbelievable as it sounds, "Hush, Hush" by Becca Fitzpatrick is far worse. It makes Twilight's so-called romance look almost healthy by comparison.
I say that a vampire may sparkle if that vampire wants to wear glittery crap, for some reason. Keep in mind that Count Dracula is from a book written in the late 19th century. Men of wealth tended to be girlier at that time than now.
I have a problem with Twilight because of the plot, and how stupid the romance is.
any 'sparkling' any vampire should do is from whatever shiny stuff they're wearing. And if Twilight was any more purple in it's prose, they'd be squeezing dye out of it.
Vampires actually do sparkle. A split second later, they burn to death.
Saying that LSD alone has never killed anyone is like saying that bullets alone have never killed anyone.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesBut I enjoyed the article.
People have died while confused during trips, but not from the chemical itself.
No. It's not like saying that at all.
That's like blaming a gun for killing someone. It's not the gun, it's the fuckwad who shoots someone with it.
As far as I know bullet's alone haven't. They need a gun and an idiot to pull the trigger. LSD (OTOH) can cause you to do something that could get you killed.
No... not really. If I were to administer one dose of LSD to a person and one bullet to another person, I'm pretty sure the one catching the bullet would be considerably worse off medically speaking.
actually, hot-female-rapes-men is very uncommon. most men wouldnt object.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replieswhile a goodlooking male rapist wouldnt change a thing for a woman....
Rape is rape. Doesn't matter who's doing it.
It's more that it hasn't been reported than it hasn't happened, mostly because of idiots like you. Like Umbee said, rape is rape.
Uncommon according to who? The guy who thinks all men want any sex all the time? If a person wants sex it's consentual, that's not rape. If they don't want sex then it's rape, regardless of whether you think they really wanted it or not.
"While You Were Sleeping" had no rape. While Sandra Bullock did impersonate Peter Gallagher's fiancee (yuk), there was never any sexual conduct. Research is a good thing.
ReplyIt's still illegal to impersonate someone else, esp. for some sort of gain.