I'm Starting to Doubt Lil Wayne's Research Skills...
Hey, Lil Wayne. How's prison? Good, I hope! I'm sure you're busy choosing sides in various race wars and constructing shanks out of bed springs and stuff, so I'll make this quick.
A little less than one year ago, I wrote an article for Cracked called The 15 Most Baffling Boasts in the History of Rap. You've read it, right?
Cool. Now let's talk about the first entry in that article. The one where I mention that, on the song "Bring It Back," you said this...
"I'm the Cash Money Makaveli, y'all ain't ready, break fast like Tom Petty, y'all just petty."
At the time, I was baffled (as indicated by the title of the article) because, really, is there anything fast about Tom Petty? I mean, "American Girl" was kind of an up-tempo number, but I doubt it's clocking in at speed metal BPMs or anything. Other than that, Tom Petty really strikes me as the absolute antithesis of "fast." Seriously, he's a mellow dude.
But at the time, I chalked it up to a simple misunderstanding. You clearly just had your Pettys (Petties?) mixed up. You said Tom Petty, but you probably meant Richard Petty or Kyle Petty who both happen to be famous NASCAR drivers. See, "break fast like Kyle Petty" makes perfect sense, Lil Wayne. So perfect.
But now, I think your lyrical faux pas was the result of something else. Lil Wayne, I'm just going to say it: I think you just don't give a shit. Harsh, I know, especially coming from a card carrying member of the Internet comedy elite like myself. But, if that's not the case, then how do you explain this?
"Paper come fast Tom Petty in this muhfucka"
You know who said that? You did, on a song called "Loyalty." And that's twice now that you've mistaken mild-mannered classic rock icon Tom Petty for some kind of maven in the field of high velocity adventure. For the record, that's the first time I've ever used the word "maven" in an article. You know how I knew it fit? Because I Googled it, Lil Wayne. Would it kill you to put a little Google time into your lyrics before you commit them to tape?
Pictured: What happens when you search for "maven" on Google Images.
For years, critics and fans alike have been hearing you say things like "fly go hard like geese erection" (from "Dr. Carter") and they've always assumed you were just saying some next level shit that we would totally understand if only we were as awesome or high as you. But this Tom Petty fiasco brings all of that into question. Maybe the music world has convinced itself that your rhymes are genius because we can't stand to face the possibility that you're just rapping whatever pops into your head.
After all, you are the man who said this once...
"Threw the pencil and leak the sheet of the tablet in my mind, Cuz I don't write shit cuz I ain't got time."
The first half of that literally makes no sense. The second half I always assumed meant you just don't write your rhymes down like Jay-Z or Biggie. But maybe it's worse than that. Maybe you're outsourcing that shit on oDesk.com or something. Are you outsourcing your rhymes, Lil Wayne? Because outsourcing hurts America. And when you hurt America, you know who else you hurt? Americans, like me... and you. Stop hurting America with your lazy rhymes.
OK, wait, I just found something.
Wow, am I the one who's fucking up here? Because that lyrics site clearly indicates that in the song "Loyalty" you say "Tom Patey" and not "Tom Petty." OK, this could all be one big misunderstanding on my part. Give me one second here.
OK, Tom Patey is a mountain climber Lil Wayne. He's a mountain climber who died in 1970. Just what kind of shenanigans are you trying to pull? Did you have someone change the words in that lyrics database just to throw me off the scent? Or maybe, the problem is bigger than I think? Lil Wayne, do you think Tom Patey is fast too? Because I assure you, his trek to the top of Everest was almost assuredly a slow one. Nobody just fucking sprints to the top of Everest. It probably wouldn't be littered with the carcasses of several dead mountain climbers if people did that, because, like, they'd just run back down when they realized they were getting all dead and stuff.
Or, maybe I'm just hoping it was "Patey" because I don't want to touch on a third possibility:
Lil Wayne, is it possible that you just can't tell white people apart?
My crippling white man's guilt won't allow me to be outraged at that thought, but I'd be remiss if I didn't at least bring it up. Imagine the shitstorm that would follow if, say, Toby Keith repeatedly name-dropped you in his songs but every time he did it he also mentioned all of the touchdown passes you've caught from Peyton Manning.
The ACLU would get involved, Al Sharpton would be calling for Toby Keith's dismissal from the Grand Ole Opry and things would eventually reach a racial boiling point that could only be quelled by you, Toby Keith, Indianapolis Colts wide receiver Reggie Wayne and Barack Obama all sitting down for a beer. Do you want to have a fucking beer with Tom Petty and the President? Because I sure do, but under your circumstances it might be kind of awkward and unenjoyable.
So please, Lil Wayne, I'm begging you. Stop using Tom Petty's name incorrectly. The delicate balance of racial harmony in this country may be depending on it.
Adam writes jokes like Tom Petty at Funnycrave.com
Read more of Adam in 6 Cheap Acting Tricks That Fool The Critics Every Time and 6 Awful Hip Hop Slang Terms (That Are Way Older Than Rap).
For the millions and millions he gets paid he can't take five seconds to Google his sh!t, and worst of all HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT HE IS "SAYING" wtf he REFUSES TO OPEN HIS MOUTH AND SAY ACTUAL WORDS. SO MUCH MONEY FOR SOMEONE TOO LAZY/HIGH/RETARDED TO OPEN HIS MOUTH AND FORM WORDS PROPERLY.
ReplyI agree with this article! Jay-Z actually doesn't write his lyrics down though. "Only rapper to rewrite history without a pen, no ID on the track let the story begin."
ReplyDurp, dont be retarded cracked, perhaps break fast like tom petty has something to do with the fact that tom petty was in a group called the heart "BREAKERS" DURRRRRP break fast flows better than break hearts rap isnt hard, the most simple explanation might just be the correct one, but hey never hurts to be retarded right??
ReplyLil Wayne is retarded. And that's an insult to mentally challenged people the world over, and for that, I apologize. Think I'm just a hater? YouTube Mos Def/ Lil Wayne freestyle.
Do geese have bacculums?
ReplyI laughed.
ReplySearching Urban Dictionary reveals that "Tom Petty" can be slang for "top heavy" (a large breasted woman) which, in the context of "paper come fast," makes a little more sense if one imagines the kind of places Lil' Wayne frequents. While it's still a weak song by a tasteless and talentless artist, I have to say that it's possible Lil' Wayne deserves a bit more credit than we're inclined to give him.
ReplyLil' Wayne's been just saying the first s**t to come to his mind for years and making millions off of it so Kudos to him, really.
Replymaybe tom petty is a fictional character lill wayne invented. maybe, in his head tom petty is not a famous (aging) rockstar..but a hardcore, fast car driving, hoe banging, money pit having heathen that we all aspire o be. he is not misidentifying some aging white dude..he is giving us something to aspire to.
ReplyTom petty was a big time drug dealer in new Orleans who made 10mil in 6months.just because the overrated rapper mentions a name does not means it's always about a famous white guy!and cracked all white guys do look a like LMAO.all white guys resemble Napoleon dynamite
Replyalike.... and yes all blacks resemble one-another... I like to think of all black males as Samson from the t.v. series, just scrapping their way to fortune.
Every time Lil Wayne picks up a guitar, music dies a little...
ReplyEvery time Lil Wayne decides to record his voice, music dies a little.
I don't really listen to many songs of lil' Wayne and wether acurate or not, I laughed at this, so cudos to you.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesNice spelling. You f*****g retard.
Nice sentence fragments, KingJaffeyJoe. See that comma? you should have used one. Judge not, pal...
You got owned like tom petty muthafucka.
You had me until you started going into the race stuff.... you can't just start assuming all that
ReplyI think that its pretty clear that he is joking.
Or at least it should be clear to anyone who isn't a stupid... JUST KIDDING
Lil'wayne is in fact the worst thing to happen to mainstream rap, since pdiddy getting famous. I am glad you pointed out his elementary rhyming ability and horrible lyrical skills. Or lack thereof in this case. I know the article is old, but it was great.
ReplyDude if p.diddy didnt make it famous who would have gotten behind possibly one of the most respected rap artists of all time? Ya B.I.G was one of the best things to happen to rap, which wouldnt have been possible if diddy wasnt famous, turns out he may have had a lot more positive effects on mainstream rap than your brain can comprehend.
It seems the general consensus is, "Damn you for taking some creative license to cede in jokes." That was just from the cross section of commenters(6) I could get through before zoning out. It stands to reason that someone that works(writes articles) on the internet doesn't know how it works, right? Wait, that's dumb. Lil Wayne is a douchethistle. Your article was funny, and I enjoyed it.
ReplyDouchethistle! That was magic. I've got to start using that one
Your score is only plus two even though there are three thumbs ups indicated. DID YOU THUMBS UP YOUR OWN POST????
Can we all finally agree that Lil Wayne is a complete f*****g idiot now?
ReplyOkay, are we really still bringing up the "geese erection" line, Cracked? Really? Geese fly. Erections are hard. See where I'm going here? Do a bit more research next time, maybe? Thanks.
ReplyNo I don't see where you're going. That made ne sense.
okay first off not that kind of fly, but Ill give you a pass because it was not said in context
Secondly, yes, erections are hard. But why geese?? Now that we know what he meant by fly we still have to wonder why geese penis was mentioned? In any state.
Lil Wayne sucks worse than Eli Porter. That being said, the "Patey" lyric, from the lyrics page you found anf featured in this are almost always user-submitted lyrics. He may have got his Petty's mixed up again, but Lil Wayne does not send lyrics to lyric website. The mistakes there have nothing to do with the artist, whatsoever. I just thought it was kinda funny that you actually think music artists submit their own lyrics to lyric pages, is all.
Replyyou're f*****g retarded
I hate that you use the name Loki. Stop using it if you're going to continue to be really f*****g stupid.
Did anyone else read the other lyrics in that pic? None of the lyrics in that song make any f*****g sense whatsoever.
Replylil wayne doesn't deserve the attention of a cracked article. He's a glorified crack baby that some doctor made the mistake of letting live instead of giving it humane euthanasia. He's not human, hes beneath that, hes something akin to a log of feces mixed with a retarded chimpanzee.
ReplyDude, did Lil Wayne kill your family or something? You're putting an inordinate amount of effort into hating on him in the comments section.
shh All he see is black people.lol
Funny as hell!
Reply