#3. He Got All B's
Report Card day: Well into adulthood, the phrase still holds some ancient, primeval terror. The syllables themselves summoning dread and insecurity from the depths of the human psyche. As distracting and intolerable as you try to make their lives, parents just never seem to forget about report card day.
So What Do You Do?
You can run home every afternoon, hoping to God that your mom hasn't checked the mail yet, and then dispose of it if you're desperate, or alter it if you're skillful enough. Or else, God forbid we even mention it, you could take the punishment and buckle down, apply yourself and take your education seriously.
Or you can fake a kidnapping!
A young boy from Alabama claimed that, after leaving school on report card day, he was abducted by a man with a pistol and forced into his car. But with a cool head, quick thinking, cat-like reflexes and probably a really hot girlfriend across town (she goes to a different school; you wouldn't know her), the boy managed to escape and leapt from the vehicle to safety. Sadly, however, his book bag--along with his report card--had to be left in the car. He barely had time enough to grab his band instrument before fleeing.
"Get in the car, kid. And bring that classy instrument with you."
The police and the boy's parents, presumably too jaded to believe in the invisibility-granting powers of the boy's magical trumpet, became suspicious at this detail, and he later confessed to making the whole thing up.
Not the girlfriend though. She's totally real. And hot. And she can do the splits... both ways.
#2. If Life Gives You Lemons, Something Something Commit Felonies.
Time makes fools of us all: One day you wake up, realize your marriage has fallen apart, your job sucks and you can't even pay the child support to the kid who won't even talk to you anymore. It's crushing and sad and futile. You're just not sure if you can face another day in this place...
So What Do You Do?
Maybe you can just try to take some night classes at the community college, or check out this online dating scene or see if your kid wants to get some ice cream this weekend. And then, if he says no, you can just frame yourself for a crime and go to prison.
Like Peter Laurence Axelrod, who robbed a bank despite having no interest in the money. He strode into the bank, gave the teller a threatening note, complete with his fingerprints and--oh yeah, his full name and address written on it--looked square into the security camera, presumably offering a resigned shrug before heading home to wait for the cops. See, Axelrod figured that federal prison (the uh, "better" prison?) was better than his crappy life, and they can't send bills there, so he'd just hop in for a few years while he figured his life out.
"Any minute now..."
The only problem being that the bank robbery didn't fall under federal jurisdiction, it came under state. Meaning state prison--the "worse" prison he was hoping to avoid. And he's not hopping in for a summer vacation, either; he's looking at a cool 25 years there. On the plus side, that's a lot of time to get your life together. On the downside: forced sodomy.
Oh, and that child support he didn't want to pay? It totaled less than $700. At the time of arrest, Axelrod was working as a personnel director, a job for which he was paid approximately $60,000 a year.
#1. It's a "Jump to Conclusions" Mat!
Life on the run is harrowing, stressful and dangerous. Every car is a cop's, every glance is accusatory, every friend a potential informant. Your nerves are shattered, your luck is running out and you simply cannot face the kind of hard time that's waiting for you on the other end of that justice system.
And by "hard time" we obviously mean "heaping bags of rape."
So What Do You Do?
One last mad dash to a country that doesn't extradite? Try to cop a plea deal? Face the music and throw yourself on the mercy of the court? Fake your own death?
Actually, that last one sounds pretty reasonable. If you can pull it off. In this day and age of constant connectivity and science fiction caliber monitoring technology, that's got to be damn near impossible. But, like Bennie Winnt, you've got nothing to lose. Believing the police were after him for drug charges, he faked his own death and went into hiding, living a secret life for the better part of 20 years. That all came crashing down, however, when he was pulled over in South Carolina by the state police. He tried to give a false name, but wouldn't you know it? They actually check that shit now!
After he confessed, police contacted his fiance, ex-wife and daughter (four years-old at the time of his "death") and told them their family member was alive after all these years. Furthermore, they informed him that, despite his confession, they were not going to arrest him, they were not currently patrolling the streets for him, that in fact at no time did they ever have a warrant out for his arrest and the only reason they pulled him over was because his license plate was expired.
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