The Horse Goes VRINSK! 6 Noises Foreign Languages Suck At
Most people are familiar with onomatopoeia, if only as the word that they failed to spell in the fourth grade (and if you're a Cracked writer, you did it again just now, like eight times in a row). Onomatopoeia is the "buzz" of a bee, a "knock" on the door, or the "ZAMN!" of Batman's fist as it makes contact with a skull. And, like everything else, it's funny to laugh at how the foreigners do it all wrong.
...
What?
#6.
The Sound a Horse Makes
The horse is a simple, solemn animal. In English, the horse says "Neigh." Meanwhile, in those wacky foreign countries...
Denmark - The noble horse breaks free of its pen after a raging thunderstorm. As the clouds begin to part, it rears up on its hind legs, silhouetted dramatically against the emerging sunset, and cries out in celebration of its new-found freedom: VRINSK!
...What is that, a faucet company? That is a completely alien jumble of letters. That's not a sound a horse has ever made; that's what you get when you smoke Salvia and take a turn in Scrabble. Merely pronouncing it makes one's tongue move in strange and perverted ways, like your mouth is somehow molesting itself.
#5.
Eating
Listen, you can question our credentials on any of these other entries, but we here in the States eat food better than anyone else, and we know what goddamn sound it makes: munch, chomp, even the occasional om nom nom--they're all pretty good, because they all sort of sound like what you hear when you chew something (inside your head, anyway). Not like:
Hungary - Come on, you've got to live up to the name guys. In Hungary, the sound that eating makes is hamm hamm.
That just seems needlessly confusing. It probably turns every conversation into a rendition of "Who's On First?"
Guy #1: Hey man, what're you eating?
Guy #2 (chewing): Hamm hamm hamm...
Guy #1: I thought you were Jewish?
Guy #2: I am, why?
Guy #1: You're eating ham.
Guy #2: I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you said - you were chewing too loud.
Guy #1: I hate this country.
But that's not nearly as bad as...
Japan- Who went with: MOGU MOGU.
Hey, they live on an island: They've got no one to answer to; it must be liberating. Have you ever lived without any neighbors? You walk around naked in broad daylight, do weird things to trees and become oddly feral at night. That's Japan like, every day. For centuries. Eating is "mogu mogu" for the same reason their noise for "dozing off" ("Toro, Toro") sounds to the rest of the world like the last thing you hear before being trampled by a rampaging bull: Nobody was there to tell them that's goddamn ridiculous.
Who's down for some fish porn?
#4.
Creaking Floorboards
The quintessential "killer is in your house" noise written into every horror movie and tension-filled scene. Alfred Hitchcock, the master of suspense himself, used the sound countless times. But what if he was from...
Germany - A darkened parlor. A woman sits, weeping quietly. The camera draws closer. She pauses, did she hear somebody or...? No, it's nothing. She stares quietly out the window. The camera draws closer, and closer again. Clearly matching the silent footsteps of a man, advancing on her in the darkness. Now she freezes, as from behind her, there sounds a soft, ominous... KNARZ!
And all the sinister undertones go right out the window. "Knarz" isn't a floorboard creak; it's the sound Jerry Lewis makes when you punch him in the chest. But it's nowhere near as bad as...
Czech Republic - Vrrzzz! That's an insect, a kazoo or an old sci-fi ray-gun. What the hell are floorboards made of in Eastern Europe? We know you're all uncivilized barbarians, but can you seriously not afford wood?
In an alternate reality, human language has come directly from the noises that animals make. Early humans learned to imitate animals' calls in order to communicate with them for their own benefit. Naturally, this call is then used as the name of the species. Society has grown around the practical uses of animals for humans. However, because of the high intelligence, strength, skill or other abilities of animals, this symbiotic relationship remains ever important. Animals are seen as extremely valuable in emotional and practical terms, and as technology advances, people do not rely less on animals, but use this technology to improve the collaborative society they have. Relationships with animals are seen as a central aspect of life for everyone and humans interact with animals on much the same level as they do with other humans. People keep many pets, and very often consider them their most important friends and companions. Languages evolve over time, but do so in conjunction with the sounds of animals, by necessity, and so the onomatopoeic words for animals' noises remain accurate. In one small town in this alternate reality, a young boy named Ash is just starting his own career raising animals.
ReplyFrench gets it right and wrong in the Asterix comics from Belgium.
ReplyWrong: A punch in the face is "poc".
Right: An uppercut to the jaw is "T-CHAC!" It sounds like the teeth meeting quickly and violently.
I laughed so hard at the Scrabble/salvia comment that I had to stop reading for like 5 minutes.
Reply"Then Juliet wakes up, dances a jig and they both start a jug band" You made me choke on my water and spit it at the computer scren...
ReplyThe worst foreign onomatopoeia of all time: tetrissitatus. In Latin, that's the noise a duck makes.
ReplyMuch in the same way as Latin, duck language has somewhat devolved over the last few centuries.
this article was shit. congratulations
Replyand the funny part is you dont notice it yourself and consider other countries wierd for theirs...
Replyhell id stick with miav ove nia anyday..
is it considered an honor to be on the last 2 TIMES?? 3 actually since smask isnt just norway but smack works as well,. but thats also slap.
I'm onomatopoeeing on you. Can you hear it?
ReplyIn Spanish roosters say "Ki-ki-ri-ki!"
ReplyIs this a Cabin Pressure reference? Please let it be a Cabin Pressure reference.
ROFL 1 was the best! I was expecting root oo rooot oo rooo.. not cockadoodledoo...That was great!
ReplyDid anyone else think about Arrested Development during the last one?
Replychonchy chonchy
Frootti tootti tu! Sounds like the war cry of a Japanese schoolgirl group with dessert themed alter egos before they jump into their battle mechs and fight a giant parfait.
ReplyKira Kira Fruity Cadets to the rescue!!! Cutie Fruitie Salad formation!!! FROOTTI TOOTTI TUUUUU!!!! -sparkle sparkle-
(I have to go animate it)
I would watch that.
vrinsk sounds more like the sound a slinky would make, to me
ReplyHahaha!! #1 was hilarious!
ReplyThe Polish roster goes "coo coo rick coo!", which I think is fairly accurate.
ReplyAny rooster who coo's and is able to say Rick is not right in my book.
Hmmm, in French, le coq (luh c**k - bwahahaha) says, " co co ri co!"
Reply"two dick references and a poop joke". I went past laughing into silent convulsions and my daughter asked me "why mama sad?". I wish I could 'like' this twice.
ReplyI wish I could hear these. Vrinsk might be COMPLETELY different from what we expect, since its a different language
ReplyLet's see. In Spanish it would be.
Reply6) Iiii
5) Ñam Ñam Ñam
4) ¿?
3) Mua
2) Pop
1) Cocoroyó
So...spanish wins?
hahaha I was going to comment on the "ñam ñam ñam" because it's so dumb but you beat me to it.
Where I'm from they're fairly similar, except that we do have a onomatopoeia for creaking floorboards (and it's "crrrk" or simply "crak" for those who like vowels) and the rooster goes "qui-qui-ri-quii" (Cocoroyó sounds awesomely hilarious, tough)
...
On a sidenote, I always found the onomatopoeia we use for a dog's bark quite silly: In spanish, the dog goes "guau!".
OK, seriously, I am a big cracked fan, and I for one can take a joke, but calling Eastern Europeans uncivilized barbarians? I know, I know, it's for the joke. But still. So one article goes, "The saddest thing is still hearing people being called "gay" as if it's and insult", and then I jump on the other one and this slaps me right in the face? Maybe you guys should reconsider what counts as "politically correct". Just think about the fact that Eastern Europeans might even have computers and might be reading and loving you site. Just sayin'! Nope, not bitching around. Still like you on FB. Even if the sex sucks :D
ReplyI hate to break it to you, but a stick and a rock don't count as a computer. Good on you for trying though, mate.
This whole article is a joke... I mean, it's about pronunciation in languages that don't even share the same alphabet, let alone letter pronunciation. Just calm down and laugh a little, will you?