Anybody who played sports as a kid has probably had one or both of their parents behave in such a ridiculously embarrassing manner during a game that it still makes us cringe just to think about it. So it should come as no surprise that on athletic fields around the world, the phenomena known as Sideline Rage (that is, adults acting like unbalanced assholes during children's sporting events) seems to have gotten even more terrifying since we were kids.
8Dentist Dad Rigs Helmet to Make Opposing Players Bleed
As much as every parent says, "It doesn't matter if you win as long as you have fun," nobody wants their kid running around picking daisies in the outfield and taking fancy-pants swings at the ball. Sure, you can make your kid do extra practice at home, or maybe even spring for a personal trainer. Or, if you're like dentist and overzealous sports dad Dr. Stephen Cito, you can weaponize your son's football helmet before a big game.
Not quite this, but almost.
Taking a page out sports legend Ty Cobb's playbook, Dr. Cito sharpened the face guard of his son's football helmet so it would slash any opposing players that got close enough. His son wore the death helmet in a game against high school rival Albuquerque Academy. After five players were taken off the field with lacerations, referees halted the game, and an inspection of the Cito's super-helmet revealed it was "sharp enough to shred a magazine cover."
Hopefully this one.
Let's make it clear: He didn't rig this thing to scratch up some arms and hands and make the game a little tougher on the other team. One opposing player had to be taken to the hospital to get 10 stitches on his arm. Yes, this is a real thing that happened.
Cito's son was expelled from St. Pious High and banned from competition for a year. Dr. Cito himself was charged with conspiring to commit aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and sentenced to two days in jail, one year probation and 400 hours community service, presumably teaching little leaguers how to file down a toothbrush and hide it in their glove.
7Son, Sometimes You Just Have to Poison Your Teammates
Inner team conflict can definitely ruin an organization's chances for success.
"I've had it with your GODDAMN BALL HOGGING!"
So when your kid has a teammate who's giving him problems, you can teach him to stand up for himself, or even give him some basic conflict resolution techniques. Or, you could go Jerome Breland's way and add ipecac (ie "a chemical that makes you vomit violently") to a juice bottle, then have your son give it to the kid who's pissing him off.
If the uncontrollable puking isn't enough, keep in mind that ipecac can lead to serious illness or death if administered improperly (a phrase which here means "secretly feeding it to a child"). Breland's diabolical plan for clandestine revenge ran into trouble when the rest of the team wound up drinking the spiked juice as well.
Practice for the team's upcoming championship game ended abruptly, as players began running off the field, clutching their stomachs and puking Go-Gurt all over the sidelines. Unaware that the children had essentially been poisoned, parents and coaches rushed eight of the kids to local hospitals thinking they'd caught a new strain of Ebola from the monkey meat they use in the cafeteria meatloaf.
A police investigation uncovered Breland's nefarious deed and he was sentenced to six months' house arrest and one year of community service, because what community wouldn't benefit from the forced labor of a man who purposely caused serious harm to young children.