|
#3.
Flipping Off the Pope
When you think of the Sistine Chapel, you probably think of the Creation of Adam and God zapping Adam to life with his finger, but it's actually only one image among hundreds. Over four years, Michelangelo and company painted a crapload of cherubs and prophets and one drunk, naked Biblical hero. And to honor his patron, Pope Julius II, Michelangelo cleverly stuck his sexy mug on the body of the prophet Zechariah. Which was a very sweet thing to do unless you get a close look at those angels chilling behind him. Wait, What the Hell? That sweet tiny baby angel is telling the Pope to fuck off.
What that precious little baby is doing with his finger is called "the fig" and its meaning is not nearly as adorable as the fat-faced baby doing it. By sticking his thumb in between his index and middle fingers, he's making an old world gesture that essentially means "fuck you." And he's making it at the Pope.
It turns out that Pope Julius II, aka "the Warrior Pope," was such an asshole that he was openly referred to as Il Papa Terribile. Michelangelo chose to seal his fate by personally flicking him off in God's house high above countless priests, cardinals and tourists for eternity. The beauty of the gesture was that medieval soot and the actual height of the painting prevented anyone from seeing it. Not only that, but three decades after finishing the ceiling, Michelangelo was invited back to paint the wall behind the altar. This time he didn't mess around with mandy-pandy thumb gestures. Oh no. This time he straight painted the mouth of Hell directly behind the Pope's chair.
#2.
UFOs
Besides being the quintessential study in rock hard Baby Jesus abs...
...Domenico Ghirlandaio's Madonna with Saint Giovannino also features an interesting little blob hovering in the sky over Mary's left shoulder. Especially when you notice the figure in the background, kind up gawking up at it.
Wait, What the Hell? Some Renaissance paintings totally have UFOs in them. Domenico Ghirlandaio's Madonna with Saint Giovannino is just one of several medieval paintings with strange, kinda creepy-looking unidentified flying objects soaring around in them. And this particular one has had UFO enthusiasts salivating for years. Never mind that one expert nay says and poo-poos and claims the images are consistent with early Christian iconography intended to represent the so-called "Holy Spirit." He wasn't there. And anyway, since when would the Holy Spirit take the form of a squat little gold man space traveling in a flying arrow?
Or a flying bowler hat?
And then there are the cases of people actually illustrating stuff they claimed they saw. In one woodcut, Swiss citizens jauntily witness black spheres hovering in the sky. The dots were said to turn red before vanishing.
Then you have the illustration below, a detail from a woodcut of a mass UFO sighting in Nuremberg, Germany in 1561. The story was that on the morning of April 14, geometric shapes erupted from the sky to do battle with each other.
Science has been quick to dismiss these events as aurora borealis, but since the people witnessing them had no idea what the fuck NASA was, Hans Glaser's engraving of Nuremberg came to be known as a "star-battle" (which may explain why the lowest of the spaceships looks a lot like the Super Star Destroyer Executor). #1.
PORN! PORN! PORN!
Much of the art made during the Italian Renaissance was specifically commissioned by the Catholic Church, to adorn the walls of Catholic cathedrals, for the everlasting edification of Catholic God lovers. And up until the mid-1500s, the Catholic church was pretty cool with artists getting a free hand on their walls. Sometimes "free hand" meant tastefully rendered imaginings of the heroes of the Bible. And sometimes "free hand" meant, literally, having a free hand to masturbate with after viewing said pictures. Wait, What the Hell? Renaissance artists often used their art to get their freak on.
At least until the Counter-Reformation, when church put the kibosh on the flagrant display of holy genitalia and hired a loincloth painter to cover the most offending penis action. Such as the scene above, from Michelangelo's (AGAIN) Last Judgment. Prior to the cover-up, Mr. Red Robe back there was full-on naked, and looking down at St. Lady Gun's badonkadonk, who was also naked. And considering her bent over posture, it totally looked like he was getting some from the backside. But the Catholic Church wasn't the only game in town, and plenty of other Renaissance artists used their prodigious talents to prove it. Once these guys were out in the secular world, things started getting explicit. Such as:
And finally...
You'd think that's piss until you notice that curators catalog it under "Ejaculating." If you are one of those people who never really appreciated old-time artwork before now, we beg you: look at the expression on that horse's face. Who among us hasn't worn that very expression, in that very situation? Do you have something funny to say about a random topic? You could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow. Go here and find out how to create a Topic Page. And check out some terrifying moments hiding in children's films, in 7 Horrifying Moments from Classic Kids Movies. Or find out about some easter eggs in your own body, in 5 Superpowers You Didn't Know Your Body Was Hiding From You. And stop by our Top Picks (Updated 1.22.2010) to see if you can find the easter-boobs hidden on the Internet. And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get dick jokes sent straight to your news feed. |
6 Great Novels that Were Hated in Their Time
6 Laws That Were Great On Paper (And Insane Everywhere Else)
6 Famous Unsolved Mysteries (That Have Totally Been Solved)
6 Massive Secret Operations That Are Hidden All Around You
Sep 8th: A Day In Cracked History
6 Things From History Everyone Pictures Incorrectly
8 Historic Symbols That Mean The Opposite of What You Think
5 Ridiculous Ancient Beliefs That Turned Out to Be True
The 6 Worst Jobs Ever (Were Done by Children)
Copyright © 2005 – 2010 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
I laughed so hard at the bearded dude awkwardly breastfeeding. It looks like he only has one tit, too, so it's extra funny.
The last one is of Charlie the Unicorn
Whats the 4th picture in #7 (first one) from??
This article is a shame. You people know nothing about art. Its disgusting.
why do they need to know anything about art apart from the easter eggs they're pointing out?
PLEASE tell me I'm not the only one creeped out by "David's" expression?
All this time I'd never noticed the creepy "oh s**t!" look on his face...
#4 seemed...
Half-assed.
YEAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Are you sure that first UFO painting isn't the flying spaghetti monster?
Anyone know what the painting of the man with breasts is called? I am morbidly curious about the story behind it.
David is not only "modest sized" and intimidated, he is also umcirc*msised, which is odd, him being jewish and all. Maybe Michelangelo thought in David´s time, the jewish people were not yet in the habit of brizing their foreskin off. I don´t know when the custom started and I´m not going to look it up.
Began with Abraham some thousand years before. I'm glad those expensive Bible classes have some uses...
The lactation picture has a rather funny story behind it. You'll notice that in nearly all paintings of Mary and baby Jesus, she is nursing him. This is because there was a lot of controversy over whether or not Jesus was human, or a god. Artists hung on this image of the nursing dyad because it proved that Jesus was indeed an actual human baby, yet holy as he was conceived of a virgin by God and blablabla. The bishop in this particular painting had just asked that same question. In response, Mary took her breast from Jesus' mouth and squirted the bishop, to prove that Jesus was feeding on breastmilk as a human baby should.
Also, I have my doubts about the fig in the pope painting. To me, it looks like the jawline of the other cherub. If it were a thumb deliberately placed there it would be much more pronounced, not just a sliver of flesh seen between the fingers.
There's also another painting that depicts the same scene, except the bishop is actually suckling directly from Mary's breast. Now THAT would have been a pick for this list!
Even back then, everyone has a little kid inside them somewhere.
Especially the female pedophiles.
Its just in our head, were imagining it.
The last supper song is like an animation with the soundtrack. With each apostle the notes rise, as they are all pictured in conversation, the tone and pitch also dictate how loud or emotional they're words might be. It appears only James (I think) and Jesus are silent. This is like the first video game system, you get your lute, and look at this painting, then it's like Lute Hero.
In the Bruegel there is a woman choking a starving person to death in the lower left hand corner. Also the man giving the bj to a treeman in the middle
That Bruegel painting is brilliant. Gonna have to look into it further now.
The Creation of Adam, but who's creating who? That guy's a genius.
Not sure if this was mentioned before, but in breugel's painting, in the middle of the painting there's a guy on his knees giving a b*****b to...well, it looks like a character from Pan's Labyrinthe.
WTF?
Actually, if you go to the high-res version of the pic on wikipedia, you'll see that it's actually just a random guy digging in the mud with a spade, and the unidentified "character from Pan's Labyrinthe" is just a guy in a cloak walking through a herd of pigs.
However, the part that concerns me is the man at the bottom of the picture who is in the position of one who just has been or will soon be banged doggy-style, and appears to be tied bondage-style to a large wheel while a tall man wearing a crown (signifying dominance?) and fabulous red tights looks down on him with a firm look on his face.
Wait, is the bottom... smiling? Shit.
http://upload.wikimedia.org/.../Bruegel_Proverbs.jpg
@Ailina I don't know if you're trying to be clever or not, but if not: No, not the guy with the spade and the guy walking through the pigs.. look up a little in the picture, more towards the center (you know, like Ogled said), behind the pillar holding up the awning... there's a guy giving head to a Tree-dude (or perhaps just resting his head in the creature's lap, I dunno).
@artrock101 I think he might've just been in a praying motion to a god or something, his hand seems to be covering it.
My mind was blown by the UFOs. Whaaaaaat. Even if it's consistent with the contemporary images of the holy spirit, that still MEANS SOMETHING.
No, it doesn't. At least, it doesn't mean that aliens were visiting. It's religious imagery.
The "WTF?" picture is actually a early 17th c portrait of a woman named Magdalena Ventura, with her husband and their youngest child--they had seven or eight together.
The last part was pure gold..hahaha...hentai! hahahaa...