5 Daring Crimes (That It Turns Out Never Happened)
Being a police officer is probably hard enough without some of the crime victims just making shit up.
Yet, often elaborate and even brutal crimes turn out to, upon investigation, never have happened at all. Why would people make up such an convoluted lie? For a series of really fucking stupid reasons.
#5.
The Kidnapping of Baby Badass
The "Crime":
Christmas 2008 wasn't so jolly for Miami resident Meagan McCormic. Instead of the normal annoyance of fake smiling over a God-awful sweater someone bought her, she had a regular silent nightmare on her hands: her son had been abducted.
Meagan said she had left six-month-old Riley with Camille, his gap-toothed, French nanny. When the au pair absconded with the tot, nearly 20 police officers bravely sacrificed their own priceless yuletide memories for a statewide Christmas Eve baby-hunt. Mom described the kid as having a mohawk, one tooth and a fake tattoo.
Wait, what?
The Facts:
While there are definitely some snaggle-toothed, Brie-loving babysnatchers running amok out there, they certainly weren't near McCormic or her awesomely coiffed son. Why? Because the darn kid never existed.
Riley seen here on the swings.
Say you're having trouble getting over an ex. Whereas most of us choose to wank the pain away or drown our sorrows in fermented grain juice, McCormic refused to accept that her ex-boyfriend just wasn't that into her. To win her former beau back, she pulled one of the oldest tricks in the book: the unplanned mohawked pregnancy. And why go through all the trouble of actually having a kid when you can just tell him you did?
McCormic's plan fell to tatters when she forgot one eensy-weensy fact: maybe, just maybe, her ex would actually want to meet the tyke. When her boyfriend came down from Massachusetts to meet the lil' rebel, McCormic scrambled to concoct a tale involving an evil French crone with pissoir-poor dental hygiene. Presumably she made the nanny French to capitalize on law enforcement's latent Francophobia, but hatred of fine wine and semi-soft cheeses can blind your average Florida cop with rage for only so long.
A Frenchman, in a rare moment of not surrendering.
Once police realized they could drive their cruisers through the holes in McCormic's story, she was arrested. Her crime? Filing a false police report, and presumably inventing a baby too awesome to actually exist.
#4.
Marriage Counseling, Swedish Style
The "Crime"
In October 2008, a 43-year-old Swedish man went to the German police with one heckuva tale: he'd been abducted from Sweden and transported to Germany in a Volvo. After stealing his money and credit cards, the Swede's captors unceremoniously dumped him at the Nuremberg railway station. Authorities initially believed his account, seeing as how there's nothing especially exciting to do in Nuremberg, other than stand trial for war crimes.
"Weather's fine. Wish you were here."
The Facts:
After Nuremberg police ordered a manhunt, the Swede admitted that he might have embellished things a little. The truth was, he just really, really, really didn't want to talk with his wife.
When your average Swede gives his wife the silent treatment, he usually tunes her out with an ice hockey match and a couple big swigs of aquavit. Very rarely does he simply hop in his car and make an impromptu cross-continental road trip without telling the ol' ball-and-chain where the fuck he's headed.
That's exactly what our Husband-of-the-Year candidate did. Our Swede clearly didn't give a fig how his wife's day was going, so he conveyed this indifference by driving from Scandinavia to Austria to Italy to the middle of Bavaria.
It was this point that the hubby realized that he may have crapped the wedding bed, so he did what any wayward spouse would do in this situation: fabricate a ginormous fib.
For those readers who may not grasp the total lunacy of this lie, imagine if the next time your significant other asks you to go the grocery store, you jump in your car and burn rubber 1,000 miles in the opposite direction. When you get there, call your mate and blame your absence on al Qaeda. See how well that goes over.
"...so then Osama bin Laden lets me go! In Manitoba! Crazy, right?"
#3.
The Serial Cockblocker
The "Crime":
In late 2007, Amanda Bulliner of the tiny hamlet of Newport, New Hampshire told law enforcement that she had received cryptic phone calls from a stranger who had threatened her family. In February 2008, Bulliner again contacted the police, only this time a home invasion had left her and her young children bruised and battered.
Newport's finest frantically tried to find this violent stalker but came up empty-handed. How come? Well, perhaps in a town as small as Newport the police department operates with a certain degree of charming incompetence, a la Mayberry...
"I have no fucking clue what I'm doing!"
The Facts:
...or maybe it's just because Bulliner was stalking herself.
The calls? Fake. The mysterious stranger? B.S. The attacks on herself and her children? Sadly, that was real. In a move deserving of a "World's Worst Mom" mug, Bulliner hit her kids and then turned the full force of her poor parenting on herself.
What in God's name did she seek to gain from smacking herself in the face? The love of an ex-husband. Whenever her ex began seeing other women, Bulliner's "stalker" would materialize, thereby putting the kebab on his budding romance. She was a serial cockblocker, if you will.
Luckily, she was no criminal mastermind, which isn't really a surprise considering her plan to reunite her family hinged upon beating her kids. When the "stalker" left a threatening voicemail for the case's lead investigator, the cop did a little bit of gumshoe-ing (he tracked her via caller ID) and quickly threw the book at Bulliner.
A sad case indeed, but at the end of the day, we're still left with one question: how the fuck did she get custody of the kids in the first place?
That run away bride got a mean case of the crazy eyes, its just a picture, and i still get really freaked out by looking at it, seriously had to scroll down so i couldnt see the picture. never tried that before :0
ReplyLots of comments about how its "so fucked up women ALWAYS get custody" blah blah blah...
ReplyMy uncle just won full custody of his daughter in a brutal 2 year divorce. Take that, Internet!
My aunt claims she went to college with Jennifer Wilbanks.
Replythat billboard was actually real...?
ReplyBitches be crazy! (Also Swedes)
ReplyI bet there are a ton of comments about how all women are evil greedy nasty lying whores who only want custody so that they can spend all the money on clothing and salon treatments, while the children wither away neglected and the innocent dad is a modern Jesus who has never done anything wrong and just gets his life ruined by evil women.
Reply Hide All See All 6 Repliesbecause men never do anything wrong as fathers...
I dont know about that, but your creepy comment was at least interesting to read.
Er...well, in my case, my mother left me in the hospital, then later tried to sell me. So... Yeah, that's kinda what my mom was like.
Issues much?
Your comment couldn't be more stupid and backwards. The media's portrayal of fathers is one of deadbeats and child abusers while they lionise women and make them out to be saints. It really says a lot when the most prominent figure of fatherhood in the western world is Homer Simpson. A stupid, bumbling drunkard who strangles his son.
It's also interesting how you said "I bet there are ..." since apparently doing research is too difficult. You obviously just have an axe to grind with men that couldn't wait until the next letters page of your favourite gossip magazine.
@HiSorryBye - I just want to hug you right now.
People can be cruel, whether they are the mothers or father, your statement makes me think you hate men...
About #1, you ever notice how every "missing white woman" story seems to involve a creepy, bug-eyed picture of said woman?
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesNah, she's the only one I've noticed with serious bug-eye. (Most of the missing-white-woman stories I can think of involve minors, mind.)
She's got the biggest set of deer-in-headlights eyeballs that I've ever seen on a human being.
That Jeniffer gal looks completely bat s**t insane. What the hell causes her eyeballs to do that? Pure insanity thats what. More so, what guy would even consider marrying that? She looks like her stare could literally turn your innards into butter, before she sucks your soul out through your mouth.
I agree with corehaven, the picture of her is freaking me out.
"Authorities initially believed his account, seeing as how there's nothing especially exciting to do in Nuremberg, other than stand trial for war crimes."
ReplyHa!
is ur only source a p2p text archive? say more about why you think that these crimes did or not exist? someone else wrote it maybe for a paper or patnet, not b/c it was true, and did you find the clues or rarity or copy a vague giant text file and not be aware you cannot know with this piece making it fake
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesDid you not notice the links within the article? You know, like the one to CNN, for example, which is clearly not a p2p text archive?
So in short, no, that's not the source...especially considering it was never a source in the first place.
Could you repeat that, aersix? I don't speak crazy, and I'm having a hard time understanding your accent...
How busy are you that you don't have the time to hold down the shift button and type about 10 extra letters? Also, at least sound stupid about a real argument.
Too unintelligible; didn't read.
The one about the runaway bride is unfair. Further research reveals that she had to help a time-traveling alien from the planet Gallifrey fight a giant space-spider who wanted to devour the planet Earth. And well, you know no one is going to believe that.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesDANG IT! You takededed my idea!
Holy shit! Donna got hit by a bus on the way back or something, didn't she?
WHAT is with those EYES?!
those eyes have seen things, man. Things you could never comprehend, and neither could she.
Doctor Donna.
Can I marry you?
Sooo, did anyone read the whole article or just decide that the dude who was too much off a p***y to go home so instead he drove to germany, was perfectly normal? cuz it seems like everyone just read the three things on the women...
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesPlease explain to me in detail how driving to Germany is even worthy of note when compared to beating your children?
Yeah that one was kinda pedantic compared to the rest.
I don't know about anyone else here, but I make a habit of only skimming articles until I find something negative about women and then I like to post that one thing in the comments, because... well, I hates me some women, what can I say?
You and I should fast become friends, Tanglebones. I hate me them odious blood gushin' creatures too.
Not our fault you can't handle a little blood, BGH. And while I agree beating your kids is far worst, I don't really see a big difference between the German fellow's situation and the runaway bride, except the second one hadn't taken vows yet.
yeah becuase a loving soon to be husband would be much less devistated then a shell of a marriages fairer half.
I want to shoot that runaway bride just for looking like a crazy b***h. Seriously, what's with the eyes =/
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesI live in Atlanta and remember when that happened. When she first was reported missing, I called bulls**t, because she looks crazy, and her fiance was slimy looking. It was the general consensus between myself and everyone I knew at the time that the fiance was a lucky man. She ended up having to pick up trash by the side of the road for community service, and had to get mental counseling, plus pay a huge fine. I think the fiance sued her too, for the money he had spent on their wedding that never happened. What a retarded, annoying popeyed b***h.. How could she really think anyone would believe her story.
Same here :/ I f**king hate her eyes. Like what the hell is wrong with her eyelids that she always looks like a deer in the headlights?
In the original draft of the Constitution, there was a provision for trial by crazy eyes, but, Charles Pinckney refused to sign until that clause was removed. Which is unfortunate, because it would have rendered Michelle Bachmann ineligible to hold office...
f**k you! I just scrolled up again to check out her eyes and AHHHH! You made me look at topless Eric Estrada again!
are you high you think this is a feminist-dominated world
ReplyThat little blue link at the bottom right of comments, "reply" I believe its called, try it out.
"...how the f**k did she get custody of the kids in the first place?"
Reply Hide All See All 9 RepliesBecause all women are smart, wise, beautiful, perfect little angels and all men are evil serial killers and rapist neanderthals.
Or at least, that's the prevailing attitude in this f**ked up feminist-dominated world.
You seriously need to get laid.
women actually give birth to children, this is the biological equivalent of calling 'dibs'
having a kid does not mean that you are a good parent. At any rate, your avatar is a picture of f**king hitler. Your argument has been rendered invalid due to your asswipe factor.
A lot of men do get completely hosed in custody court. Many unfit mothers win full custody in court simply because many judges in those courts are biased to believe that the mother is automatically the better parent. While this guy puts it rather bluntly, he is not completely wrong. And his profile pic, if you look closely, is a spoof of an Obama campaign poster with Hitler's face substituted.
intelem, feminism = equal rights for people regardless of their gender/sex. It's not feminism to believe that women are superior to men; it's sexism.
sammylee, the child's existence comes from the mother and the father, so how exactly does the woman get "dibs" because she birthed it? And regardless, if a mother is unfit to be a parent, she should have no access to the child. A child isn't a doll that its parents' "own."
Dudes, the guy's using a pic of Hitler as his... picture... he's obv a troll, and, ya know, not a very subtle one....
"And his profile pic, if you look closely, is a spoof of an Obama campaign poster with Hitler's face substituted."
Oh, our mistake, that makes him much less of an asswipe.
"how exactly does the woman get "dibs" because she birthed it?"
She doesn't get dibs because she birthed it, she gets preferential treatment because she carried the kid in her belly for 9-10 months and because many people can't believe that a woman would be cruel or abusive to their own child. Guess what? Women can be just as abusive towards their own children as many people believe men are.
custody battles do favour the mother. it's the legacy of developmental psychology's obsession with the mother as primary caregiver - see Bowlby's maternal deprivation hypothesis, for example, or notice that the studies that appear in other areas of child psychology (like the one where we defined attachment behaviour) are almost always done with the mother.
Somebody should have also pointed out to that Yang kid who kidnapped himself that Nintendo makes video game consoles and not computers...
Replyit's a computer because it has the ability to compute.
It was also a quotation from a translated article, not the kid himself.
My parents split when I was 3. While my dad was stationed in Germany, she got pregnant by another man. When the base doctor confirmed that she was pregnant, she emptied out my dad's bank account, destroyed most of my dad's stuff, destroyed one of his cars and stole the other, taking me and my sister most of the way across the country to live with her parents. Once there, she started making claims to abuse, it did not matter to the courts that the dates of the alleged abuse fell during dad's platoon being stationed in West Germany.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesWhen he got back, he found a literally shattered house, totaled car, and a restraining order.
For well over a decade, my dad was not allowed to see his children, nor to even talk to them. Meanwhile, my mother was arrested many times for drunk and disorderly, drugs, and child abuse. She was even arrested for having punched me in the face at school because I was too afraid to go home with her. I was sent to the ER with broken bones and cuts from her atta
Reason #7192561 that women should never have been given the keys to the car of civilization, for the same reason only an idiot would give voting rights to children or animals.
In the past 50 years, feminism has only proven that men were right for the past 50 generations.
You're right, intelcm. That's exactly why there have never been any cases of criminal activity or domestic abuse committed by men...oh wait.
intelcm - Reason #544563 that human beings should never have been given the keys to the car of civilization.
I for one welcome our robot overlords.
Apparently I'm the only one who wants to say this: Ouch! I can really sympathize with you, angrysailor302.
Am I the only one struck by what a retarded phrase "given the keys to the car of civilization" is?
Practically no one is qualified to be "given the keys to the car of civilization". Almost everybody on the planet is just too f*****g stupid, regardless of gender.
Somehow I always leave this site feeling smarter than anyone who isn't a scientist. I can't imagine why....
ReplyPackeranatic is right, that facecarver chick was a good flakeout.
Wasn't there a lady who claimed she was attacked by a black guy because she wasn't going to vote for Obama? And to top it off she carved a "B" (I think?) on her cheek which was backward leading to the obvious conclusion that she cut herself using a mirror. And I believe Fox News actually bought the story for a day.
ReplySeriously, that should have been an honorable mention.
That sounds familiar.
Yeah just last week a woman drove from Woodstock, New Brunswick to Toronto, Ontario, which is about a 14 hour drive (we measure distance in time here), saying she was forced by gunpoint to drive there. Turns out she just drove there on a whim instead of going to pick up her daughter. I don't get why people do this crap. Do they ever watch the news? You get arrested =/
ReplyI just want to mention that most states in the United States give automatic custody to the mother. My state is one of them. Pretty sad in many cases. I was one of the fortunate ones who has a good mom.
ReplyReason #7192561 that america is going to die soon. But not soon enough.
Reason #994356 that Intel is a sexist virgin.