5 Daring Crimes (That It Turns Out Never Happened)
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Being a police officer is probably hard enough without some of the crime victims just making shit up. Yet, often elaborate and even brutal crimes turn out to, upon investigation, never have happened at all. Why would people make up such an convoluted lie? For a series of really fucking stupid reasons. #5.
The Kidnapping of Baby Badass
The "Crime": Christmas 2008 wasn't so jolly for Miami resident Meagan McCormic. Instead of the normal annoyance of fake smiling over a God-awful sweater someone bought her, she had a regular silent nightmare on her hands: her son had been abducted. Meagan said she had left six-month-old Riley with Camille, his gap-toothed, French nanny. When the au pair absconded with the tot, nearly 20 police officers bravely sacrificed their own priceless yuletide memories for a statewide Christmas Eve baby-hunt. Mom described the kid as having a mohawk, one tooth and a fake tattoo.
Wait, what? The Facts: While there are definitely some snaggle-toothed, Brie-loving babysnatchers running amok out there, they certainly weren't near McCormic or her awesomely coiffed son. Why? Because the darn kid never existed.
Say you're having trouble getting over an ex. Whereas most of us choose to wank the pain away or drown our sorrows in fermented grain juice, McCormic refused to accept that her ex-boyfriend just wasn't that into her. To win her former beau back, she pulled one of the oldest tricks in the book: the unplanned mohawked pregnancy. And why go through all the trouble of actually having a kid when you can just tell him you did?
McCormic's plan fell to tatters when she forgot one eensy-weensy fact: maybe, just maybe, her ex would actually want to meet the tyke. When her boyfriend came down from Massachusetts to meet the lil' rebel, McCormic scrambled to concoct a tale involving an evil French crone with pissoir-poor dental hygiene. Presumably she made the nanny French to capitalize on law enforcement's latent Francophobia, but hatred of fine wine and semi-soft cheeses can blind your average Florida cop with rage for only so long.
Once police realized they could drive their cruisers through the holes in McCormic's story, she was arrested. Her crime? Filing a false police report, and presumably inventing a baby too awesome to actually exist.
#4.
Marriage Counseling, Swedish Style
The "Crime" In October 2008, a 43-year-old Swedish man went to the German police with one heckuva tale: he'd been abducted from Sweden and transported to Germany in a Volvo. After stealing his money and credit cards, the Swede's captors unceremoniously dumped him at the Nuremberg railway station. Authorities initially believed his account, seeing as how there's nothing especially exciting to do in Nuremberg, other than stand trial for war crimes.
The Facts: After Nuremberg police ordered a manhunt, the Swede admitted that he might have embellished things a little. The truth was, he just really, really, really didn't want to talk with his wife. When your average Swede gives his wife the silent treatment, he usually tunes her out with an ice hockey match and a couple big swigs of aquavit. Very rarely does he simply hop in his car and make an impromptu cross-continental road trip without telling the ol' ball-and-chain where the fuck he's headed.
That's exactly what our Husband-of-the-Year candidate did. Our Swede clearly didn't give a fig how his wife's day was going, so he conveyed this indifference by driving from Scandinavia to Austria to Italy to the middle of Bavaria. It was this point that the hubby realized that he may have crapped the wedding bed, so he did what any wayward spouse would do in this situation: fabricate a ginormous fib. For those readers who may not grasp the total lunacy of this lie, imagine if the next time your significant other asks you to go the grocery store, you jump in your car and burn rubber 1,000 miles in the opposite direction. When you get there, call your mate and blame your absence on al Qaeda. See how well that goes over.
#3.
The Serial Cockblocker
The "Crime": In late 2007, Amanda Bulliner of the tiny hamlet of Newport, New Hampshire told law enforcement that she had received cryptic phone calls from a stranger who had threatened her family. In February 2008, Bulliner again contacted the police, only this time a home invasion had left her and her young children bruised and battered. Newport's finest frantically tried to find this violent stalker but came up empty-handed. How come? Well, perhaps in a town as small as Newport the police department operates with a certain degree of charming incompetence, a la Mayberry...
The Facts: ...or maybe it's just because Bulliner was stalking herself. The calls? Fake. The mysterious stranger? B.S. The attacks on herself and her children? Sadly, that was real. In a move deserving of a "World's Worst Mom" mug, Bulliner hit her kids and then turned the full force of her poor parenting on herself. What in God's name did she seek to gain from smacking herself in the face? The love of an ex-husband. Whenever her ex began seeing other women, Bulliner's "stalker" would materialize, thereby putting the kebab on his budding romance. She was a serial cockblocker, if you will.
Luckily, she was no criminal mastermind, which isn't really a surprise considering her plan to reunite her family hinged upon beating her kids. When the "stalker" left a threatening voicemail for the case's lead investigator, the cop did a little bit of gumshoe-ing (he tracked her via caller ID) and quickly threw the book at Bulliner. A sad case indeed, but at the end of the day, we're still left with one question: how the fuck did she get custody of the kids in the first place? |
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My parents split when I was 3. While my dad was stationed in Germany, she got pregnant by another man. When the base doctor confirmed that she was pregnant, she emptied out my dad's bank account, destroyed most of my dad's stuff, destroyed one of his cars and stole the other, taking me and my sister most of the way across the country to live with her parents. Once there, she started making claims to abuse, it did not matter to the courts that the dates of the alleged abuse fell during dad's platoon being stationed in West Germany.
When he got back, he found a literally shattered house, totaled car, and a restraining order.
For well over a decade, my dad was not allowed to see his children, nor to even talk to them. Meanwhile, my mother was arrested many times for drunk and disorderly, drugs, and child abuse. She was even arrested for having punched me in the face at school because I was too afraid to go home with her. I was sent to the ER with broken bones and cuts from her attacks with knives. Child services was a fixture in my mother's house.
When my dad found out about the arrests, he tried to get custody of us, and failed many times. The final time succeded in large part due to both her recent drug arrest and her showing up in court drunk and threatening to hurt the judge.
It pains me to see that courts still seem to think that only mothers should get custody of children, and not the fathers.
Here is a kicker, during the final court battle for custody, my mother admitted to some of her abuse, but claimed that she abused us "out of love."
Her attorney tried claiming that a mother would never hurt their children on purpose, and that the abuse was really a series of accidents that we blew out of proportion.
Right...... Having your nose broken by your mother in plain view of school staff is "blowing everything out of proportion."
Somehow I always leave this site feeling smarter than anyone who isn't a scientist. I can't imagine why....
Packeranatic is right, that facecarver chick was a good flakeout.
Wasn't there a lady who claimed she was attacked by a black guy because she wasn't going to vote for Obama? And to top it off she carved a "B" (I think?) on her cheek which was backward leading to the obvious conclusion that she cut herself using a mirror. And I believe Fox News actually bought the story for a day.
Seriously, that should have been an honorable mention.
Yeah just last week a woman drove from Woodstock, New Brunswick to Toronto, Ontario, which is about a 14 hour drive (we measure distance in time here), saying she was forced by gunpoint to drive there. Turns out she just drove there on a whim instead of going to pick up her daughter. I don't get why people do this crap. Do they ever watch the news? You get arrested =/
I just want to mention that most states in the United States give automatic custody to the mother. My state is one of them. Pretty sad in many cases. I was one of the fortunate ones who has a good mom.
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I heart Bill Paxton so bad.
what's that movie in #5 again, I forget.
Well, speaking about that Chinese boy that kidnapped himself... 10,000 yuan is a lot of money for most of people here, so do your homework better next time, eh? Oh, and "after-school job"? No way in hell... the kids here are poring over the books from dusk till dawn. Besides, when you have 1.5 bln population job shortage you should expect some job shortages. For f**k's sake, working behind the counter at McDonald's is considered as a career by many!
But anyway that kid was an idiot... them Nintendos fell out of fashion here about... 13 years ago, I guess.
What is it with white women and blaming colored people for fake crimes?
The Run-Away bride has eyes that scare me. Did anyone else ever notice that all women with those crazy popped out eyes with small pupils are crazy. Every wild eyed woman I have ever met in my life has either been clown-s**t crazy or a turbo-b***h. NEVER trust a Bug-Eyed b***h!
JJ7:
Yes dear, I did read the story before making a comment on it.
:::Pats jj on the head::: that's a good kid. Somewhat well written
(and incredibly boring) rehash of the facts of a case that no one cares about beyond mocking...it is a comedy site, dear.
Oh - here's the USA Today story on the filing of the suit in 2006:
http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2006-10-10-runaway-bride_x.htm
re the Runaway Bride - I remember this case. Mostly I remember how the cops in Albuquerque were nicer to her than the prosecutor in Georgia. Nearly as I could tell, this was simply a woman getting freaked out with second thoughts who ran (she was literally a fairly well-known runner) and kept on running until she realized her fiance was being accused of doing away with her and just how insane the publicity had gotten, panicked, and made up this lame bit which nobody bought. She admitted she made it up, under questioning in Albequerque. She got shipped back to Georgia, and the local Gwinnett County prosecutor's office made it a felony case saying she lied to police (it was the Albuquerque police, not the locals), while he lied every damn day for over a week saying they would announce in a day or two whether they would prosecute her. Big press conference daily, big man grandstanding day after day on an emotionally brittle woman's back. How much did all his hullaballoo cost? The fiance's family spoke in her favor, which helped some but she still paid a $15,000 judgment and mowed the lawns at public buildings a couple of years.
About the crazy eyes - she wasn't emotionally stable before, and in the mug shot she's being busted on a felony. I'd say that's good cause to appear wacked out.
If her fiance's family hadn't been prominent it would never have been the huge thing it became. So I could believe she had no idea that it would explode the way it did. As for having second thoughts, she was a somewhat liberated female and the fiance provided a room in his house but didn't believe in sex before marriage or anything. No, probably not the best match.
BTW, I have no connection to Wilbanks (I doubt that I would marry her either), just thought this was one more case of a prosecutor grinding someone into the dirt unnecessarily to use them as a rung in their ladder of success. Crying "Justice!" all the way.
Uh Meredith, the main point of contention in the $500k lawsuit involved a house John bought with story rights that had her sig on it by his proxy (power of attorney while she was medicated), titled it in his name only and kicked her out of it. That wouldn't be forgiveness, Wheelz, that would be called carefully crafted payback. (She didn't win anything, he out-lawyered her.) Guess HE had second thoughts about marrying a cornflake. He then married someone else in March of 2008.
All Hail the Hypnobride...
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The best afterward to any of these is that the "Runaway Bride" actually tried to sue her ex-fiance for 500,000 dollars for "their" story...and for half the wedding gifts they received.
She got gifts, ran away, caused a public panic and wasted man hours and resources with her lies...and then wanted to keep her gifts. Nice girl.
"...thereby putting the kebab on his budding romance: Shouldn't that be "kibosh"
"lashback"? Shouldn't that be "backlash"?
@emu143:
It really makes you wonder just how fucked up some women have to be before courts realize that maybe leaving children, dogs, or even pet rocks in her custody might not be such a great idea.
BTMadness is right.
One of my good friend's parents recently got divorced. She fled the house during the trial separation (she's 18), but unfortunately, her younger siblings had no such choice. Her mom, the psycho-b***h who initiated the whole thing, was automatically awarded custody. Even though there were several document accounts of her doing crazy things like yelling at delivery men, throwing things at visitors who tracked in dirt, and generally being crazy. Why? Because she's the mom. Duh. Kids are always better off with their psycho mom who has no money management skills, rather than their stable father who holds a respectable job.
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Somebody should have also pointed out to that Yang kid who kidnapped himself that Nintendo makes video game consoles and not computers...